i surrender

i let go and let god.  end of month assessment.  water in June 50 gal.  every month increase 'til 117 gal last and this this month.  new water softener more on electric too.  

i dropped the recharging flashlight and a button fell off.  took me half hour to take it apart and fix it.  i did it.  i'm back.

i finally understand alien is mom to misty.  that's why they neglected and humiliated mom too.  they used mom for money.  they steal from me like dad did.  it's like i chose the best from them and the sisters chose worst.  

i ate chips toke left at door and has ms g.  i need to check the ingredients.  i'm shaking.  vibrating in not a good way.  

watching 'avengers endgame' is a football game.  and watching 'concentration' keeps my thinking flexible.

my thumb still hurts

i finally figured out it's my neuropathy.  no longer numb.  the infected feeling comes and goes so it isn't an infection.  and i still have a big blue bruise on my left ankle.  as a child i was always hitting my ankle bones and Eric hitting my heel with a 600 lb box didn't help.  

i was going to eat at seniors but i came home to wash off red pepper sauce from the baked fish to avoid the arthritis impact.  i think my allergies and arthritis are part of the genetic autism.  i can compensate with diet and exercise.  having first hand experience with what works is great.  ram das/Richard Alpert guru ingested and neutralized his drugs consciously.  

i'm creating a new pattern of living

i'm feeling extremely uncomfortable.  if not for spell check this would be indiscernible.  8:45 lots of parking.  i'm learning to take care of me.  i'm so proud.  scary 'tho.  

i showered, exercised, computed 'til 11:30 hoping to see toke.  filled water bottles.  'chop wood, carry water.'  saw her and said hello to table.  toke gave me apple strudel bites i gave her fruit i picked up today.  came home noon.

i learned anti social from mom.  she taught us only people to be used allowed.  i couldn't live that way so i was punished and blamed.  

youngsheldon.com-missy

kids have it tough

there's so much to learn.  and it's constantly evolving.  change is the only constant.  kids have energy to learn everything ahead of them, the last tv special i watched on world climate said it's up to the kids to fix.  doesn't seem fair.  like the sins of the fathers are suffered by the kids.  that's why i didn't push to have kids.  i see enough suffering in the world.  i work not to add to it.  i do what i can to make it better.  

i let go

i soaked stretched.  i brought pork brown rice to library.  i wonder if parking laws apply when library closed, probably.  

it's malfunctioning again.  i don't know.  i'm working around it.

i'm hungry break time.  i also ate a fruit bar.  i learned if a door is open the remote lock doesn't work.  i can manually lock the car and the unlock opens.                                                                                                                                                                           today's daily word 'let go let god' i'm hanging out in shade.  15 minutes 'til library opens.  i finally remembered to look up 'nothingbundtcakes.'   just as i thought the mini is $5.              45 minutes to charge chrome.   done computing 3:30 home for rest.  strange people in the library.  homeless man kept trying to engage with me.  i successfully avoided him.                                                                                           

  

my purpose is to have more fun

i went to walmart to pay pge.  i got there 7:40 and was told 20 minutes 'til online.  i walked store nothing i wanted.  while waiting i found discarded plastic hanging strip.  paid.  coin machine had quarter covered in lipstick.  i washed it with spray alcohol.  

on to seniors 8:15 too early for #1-2 spot.  old asian man asked me to apply bandage to his scraped forehead.  he reminded me of dad.  i showered exercised stretched 45 minutes.  changed, computed.  picked up lunch decided to give old guy avocados.  

drove to kyo nothing i wanted.  got to cup library noon my favorite shady spot.  timing.  i picked up 'pain free' and 'avengers infinity war.'  so many fantasy movies about war.  i just want to see groot in action.  what a use of creative energy.  war is the reflection of mankind's confrontational interior.  when spiritual peace is a reality we will live in peace.

yesterday i dropped off avocados at toke's and she dropped off a mini lemon bundt cake.  i called her to thank her and found she left 3 voice mails concerned i wasn't staying for lunch.  we talked half hour.  i missed concentration at 5 and watched the repeat at 8.  i don't have to miss anything.  i don't like talking.  i like learning and healing.  and having fun.

clash of the titans

i'm watching.  people tried to make sense of the world.  they described life as they understood it based on their experience.  they didn't know atoms or electrons.   they didn't know electricity or magnetism.  they created gods, devils, monsters to explain their fears and emotions not knowing chemistry.  addiction, medication is an attempt to control physical chemistry.  

happy baby

thinking = worry.  most people don't think and are happy.  people avoid thinking.  talk shows are popular because people want someone to tell them what to believe and do.  they don't want to think.  then they blame someone else.  like the family blaming me for thinking=causing their unhappiness.

lying in tub so good

i went 8 am.  too my time arrived sunny vale pondering how long i wanted to stay.  or if i wanted to stay.  games too slow i stayed.  i still feel sick.  i feel weird.  heavy and light at the same time.  my tail bone hurts besides my neck right temple.  i just want to go home.  that's new.

games are slow.  i brought pbb and spaghetti sandwiches just in case i get hungry.  11:30 bored with slow computer i went to sunny vale $tore for c drops, amber m wash, found pink infinity scarf, complete toothpaste.  home 12:30 half of 'medium' cooked frozen hamburger patties gravy.  on bread so good i ate 4.  my tummy happy.

8:30 pm i just realized i'm processing getting my family off my back this life and all the way back in time.  and my symptoms now are what i experienced after carrying dad to emergency 3 times.  i didn't have time to feel it then working to pay my bills and staying constantly vigilant and trying to have some kind of life.  i didn't have the energy or time.  it was a luxury i couldn't afford.

oh, my aching body

i'm keeping on.  i showered, biked, stretched 45 minutes 'til i felt better.  jeanie gave me 2 more doll dress scrubbers pink and green.  i'm dealing with nausea.  reminds me of the first 6 months and 4 doctors 1972.  ex telling me it was all in my mind.  i lived on lemon drop candy.  at least i haven't vomited like i did then.  i'm feeling sick.  my body saying i need rest.

i computed, loaded double lucky's points.  picked up sushi + free water, clearance frozen banquet hamburger steaks 6/$2.50 college safe way parking lot packed returning students.  

home noon watched 'medium.'  ate lunch meatball roll added mustard sauce.  stomach still hurting.  ate meatball roll added sauce and mustard.  lay down 2 hours up for 'love boat.'  i want to be able to sleep tonight.  

feeling is so painful

and the nausea is back.  2001 i'd feel starving hungry and after i ate i'd have such horrific cramps i took vicodin and slept through digesting.  all part of the 8 years i spent bed ridden praying for death.  the beginning of feeling.  

feeling sad and angry.  over what i don't know.  i can change my feelings as easily as drinking water.  i'm drinking a lot of water.

jeanie looked good

she was in gym leaving as i went to change so i walked out with her and gave her avocados i picked up,  asked me tomorrow no need.

don't know what was wrong with that page

it wouldn't update or publish.  maybe left from weekend malfunction.  so i deleted and started over.  

i showered, exercised, stretched an hour i was so sore.  i stretched out my aches and pains.  i computed 'til i got bored.  picked up lunch.  today last day for panera gift card 10 k lucky bonus points.  and i bought bread.  i forgot to give kathy phone number and manager added to my card saying he'd forgotten his bonus.  

decided to go america's tire for air check alert done 10 minutes i gave him avocados.  the first time i didn't have to wait and find someone in the office.  

came home so tired 12:30.  i ate and had to lie down i felt tired sick.  i slept 2 hours.  dragged myself not feeling like it but i didn't want to be awake all night.  

i realized while exercising my family is the same they've always been.  i deluded myself expecting them to appreciate me.  my fantasy.  they continue to neglect and abuse me.  i'm still expecting them to change.  i have to change.

i don't know what i'm doing

i arrived seniors 7:30 after putting out garbage, recycle.  i showered, exercise, computed, filled water bottles, picked up lunch, dropped off trunk avocados to toke.  home 11:30 to watch 'f troop'.

my tailbone is throbbing.  i put in prayer request and took my willow, hemp, passion.  i called ishmael chandler for hard copy he doesn't deal in records.  he sent 2 emails and invoice and receipt with only dollar amount no details.  no record i paid discover.  he keeps no paper records.  

i ate too many beets

i boiled them.  not as good as roasting but way easier.  so my stomach is complaining.  oh, well.  i could have done half and half but didn't think of it.

i'm feeling

pretty good after doing wash.  i slept normal 6 hours.  i'm glad to be feeling good.  after numbing myself to survive feeling has been so painful.  processing all the old injuries.  i'm better. 

i exercised next to crazy republican.  sounds redundant.  loaded lucky's free yogurt and big lots soda.  after stretching new pain areas. i picked up lunch.  i still went st just pantry 2 bags just right amount from chris.  i left kelly's clothes.  he spotted avocado in trunk.  what acquisitive eyes.  drumsticks, potatoes, onions, beets, cherry turnovers, rolls, eggs, brown rice.

lucky's freebie and turmeric salad dressing 25 cents.  nice chat with cathy getting divorce from gay man.  home 12:30 i put away food beets!  slowly putting away laundry.  i'm cooking beets.  i removed tags from 2 x shirt.  i'm inspired to sew.  

i went to charge phone and emergency alert blocking display.  i tried figuring out phone and came across chandler.  called requested again itemized receipt for my records.  

i want something i don't know what.  i got water from car and watered porch plants.  i ate the free yogurt not good not bad.  

hanging out laff laundry maxi load

my finger is better.  a week to heal.  like normal.  

i have all the time in the world and still feel pressured by 'family' in my head.  very humid monsoon weather.  may lightning thunderstorm.  i listened to healing on chrome.  

laundry man loaded heavy wet clothes into my car for me.  wow.  i like having help.

i checked college safe way.  parked backward with view of street.  oblivious kid messing with his car parked at curb loses track of his little puppy and it almost gets hit by passing car.  i shout to kid his puppy is going to get smashed and he runs, grabs, puts it in car, waves thanks to me.  i wave back ok.  in store i found clearance frozen atkin's chicken margarita $2. good lunch.

i came home after double checking blog opened.  stopped @ mission paid city then home 11:30 'f troop.'  cooked chicken, ate, wheeled in basket, hung clothes.  it occurred to me i could take all day.  wonderfully freeing.  no mom yelling at me to hurry.  she never yelled at my sisters, they never did anything like dad.  kathy readler assumed dad was dead because i never mentioned him.  he never did anything.  the life of reilly to lie in a hammock all day.  his idea of heaven killed him.  inactivity made him sick.

i can go sunny vale and cup open if i want.  or 24 hour gym.  

c 22 years 9-5 sunday morning

7 am i'm feeling restless don't know what to do.  i'm exercising and remembering how it was and wasn't.  and i'm focusing on what i want more importantly who i choose to be.

i spent the night fitfully waking every 2 hours.  i thank god i have tv to soothe me, calm me.  got up half hour ago wondering what for b'fast.  sun day morning is running 9-11.  8:46-9:03 est how well i remember waking 6:46 turning on the tv lying in bed with my back broken, shredded from caring for the parents, disappointed, heart broken my sisters were attacking me for the estate.  i was confused seeing the same scene on every channel.  i turned on the sound and 7:03 watched the second jet impact the second world center tower.  i cried for those dead and those left behind glad mom had died may 13 and didn't see the horror, couldn't feel the wave of despair.

no wonder i'm not hungry.

c- finger still bruised-oh, dad tomorrow died sun day 9/5/99

i'm glad it stopped bleeding.  i don't have to worry about thick blood.  heart attack and stroke.  i'm keeping band aids with me.  i have quite a selection from years ago.  

9:38 cup library to ensure shade parking.  took 8 minutes 4.6 miles the long way.  thinking of what to have for lunch nothing is appealing.  

sigh.  

i asked about free wi-fi, just have to be close enough and accept terms.  i'm sitting comfortable living room chair hassock.  nice to just breath.  

safe way website loaded 2 sanitizer freebies.  played my games, filled 2 waters i used to wash car windows.  left noon decided to look for freebies.  none.  asked re stock er taking inventory out of stock for weeks only one shipment ever.  i bought clearance pumpkin cream turnovers, assorted danish.  front end manager suggested i look on register displays for freebies.  i found sterling solitaire ring on floor.  considered lost and found, nah.  fits perfectly.  made for me.

best day

woke 4:30 watched 'love boat 'til 6, ate b'fast, went to seniors, filled 5 bottles, showered, exercised, charged chrome, computed added free baguette lucky's 500 points chipotle gift card, picked up lunch, went to college safe way dollar stag chili only 3 left clearance frozen kung pao chicken $3.50, lucky's 2 ears corn 19 cents, free bread, home 12:45.

ate cold dog added mustard, ketchup, relish, mayo.  liked the baked beans, cauliflower overcooked broccoli tough.  i'm actually enjoying myself.  i cooked the chicken found the pan i have to remember to put away or it gets moldy.  

picker pinched my finger

poor design or purposely?  probably second.  i picked bag of avocados using the adjustable basket from orchard supply.  the grooves are at the top where the basket crushes your hand.

3100

i was home by 12:45.  i showered exercised, computed, charged chrome, filled 4 bottles.  i picked up lunch to go.  mailed life insurance and withdrew from chase.  drove to star one deposited and home.  doesn't matter i forgot last month.  check is covered 164.  

so many new feelings.  i'm feeling a little sad.  sun day will be 22 years since dad died.  2 days to die in the hospital.  a year and a month in agony.  dad's sad stubborn life and death.  and alien torturing us for months.  manipulating mom dad nit me.  horribly sad.  the family tradition of tragedy.  makes me afraid for their kids.

my eyes are burning from smoky air.