so far so good

sitting seniors.  woke 6 am after 2 awakenings.  watched concentration, now you see it cooked faux french toast with yogurt topping.  managed to eat it all.  a lot.

gave Cody apples Megan tried to explain charger and i looked online for instruction manual too many and you tube accents second language captions nonsense.  so i'm winging it.  i don't know.  giving it my best guess.

i added can tuna to lettuce inge gave me lunch.  and i'm spending the evening playing online waiting for the charger to fill.  instructions say may take 4-5 hours every 18 months if stored.  i don't know.

recycle then laundry

taking my time is awesome.  i'm enjoying what i'm doing while i'm doing it.  made $4 enough for one load of laundry the best part is making room.  today i'm happy.  it occurred to me i died and i'm dreaming.  i can control my dream.  i need to dream better.

i exercised 2 hours again and i've been dancing around.  early to bed.  

i feel so guilty feeling so good.  i've never looked forward to fry days before.  it was always just another day.  sales i had to work sat and sun days.

home again scaring myself

i had the fish lunch for 6 brussel sprouts.  

handicap showers open for classes next month so i showered.

traded it in

i turned in separate chrome hot spot borrowed combo, movie, and summer reading prize a portable charger.  

6/26/22 chrome continues crashing

oh, what to do.  i reheated rice and had 2 flavorless eggs.  i cut up chicken into 4 tiny drums 4 huge thighs must be bizarre looking birds.  i set timer to remember cooking.  the advantage to a life of ADD is i have tools.  

aging is all about letting go of life.  chrome crashed again.  and i'm back.  and i can get the available combo tomorrow.  might be this laptop.  

i get it-crashed again 7 pm

the chrome rejects me like my family.  kicked me out again.  and i'm replacing my tabs like i replaced everything they stole from me.  i replaced stuff and people.  i replaced Eric with Carlos, Art and Walter.  

my back has been trying to teach me i'm important and i haven't been listening i've resisted.  my back will heal when i comply.  

went to st just and home unloaded what i want.  so easy.  Chris in charge.  i'm learning.  

i watched a blurb on pain enzymes and every guilty food pleasure is making my arthritis worse.  oh, well.  

i'm improving wanting and receiving.  

this crash i wasn't surprised.

a little cooler

i slept ok.  i wore bathing suit top with wet towel and stayed cool.  i went gym and picked up lucky's freebie chelada.  i was so relaxed.  

i forgot chrome charger so i biked, stretched.  lunch ok, puzzled upstairs, computed.  art gave me extra lunch from inge.  came home end of whew!  2 pm.  keeping cool wet towels.  

love- chrome crashed again.

the root of everything.  it occurs to me murderers have no love or hope of love.  Louise Hay is so right.  she said she learned all health issues came from lack of self love so her focus was teaching love.

i'm learning to love myself.  it's hard not having experience feeling loved.  i'm walking and working blind.  harder than anything i've ever done highest stakes risk everything.  love is all there is.

3 am sleep 'til 7 am -22/22

if i don't publish it automatically updates.  i remembered Jamie Oliver cooks today 8-11. 

10 decided enough Jamie dressed went seniors showered art gave me extra fish lunch i rinsed off pepper sauce at main picked up hold movie shady parking in back.  i almost freaked out thinking i forgot my card and realized i didn't need it keypad i entered numbers.  stopped dollar tree 2 burritos, chicken mac, tater tots and 4 clearance.  home 4:30 cooked tots and dollar meatballs ate rinsed fish and lunch salad.  

shut down lost settings-101 o

i'm getting quite good at recovering my tabs.  it gives me time to reflect and refine my day.  

yesterday's Gidget marathon taught girls of the 60's how to be.  an all white world.  no blacks asians, chicanos.  even in Hawaii no real non white characters.  only peripheral cardboard characters.  no substance or feelings.

last night i remembered 5 years Eric died 13th and 3rd other b'day.  June a tough month like Feb, March, April, May, Sept, Oct.  

went 24 for soak and swim.  so relaxing i get afraid.  i get super vigilant.  hyper my natural reset.  and family used it for their entertainment and amusement.  some people like almeda.  seniors 10:30 after good will cruise.  didn't find anything.  

lunch just art greg.  ladies absent.  lovely peace filled.  cooling station for 98-100 o.  4:30 john comes through saying we need masks when jennifer has been walking around all day not saying a word.  go figure.  

when i left 5:30 101 degrees.  cooked noodles chopped lettuce canned chicken.  corn chips and cookies dessert.  

autism robotic-crashed again

when i obsessively play mah jongg it kicks me out.  didn't update oh well.  recreate as best i can.

7:30 gym sat in car parked paid discover by phone.  wasn't sure i'd go in swim and soak yes.  Walgreen's no reasonable ice cream cup.  dollar tree pint 'kind' full of dark chocolate almonds, chips, dried pineapple.  i'm treating myself, loving myself, spoiling myself as no one ever has.  i deserve to be pampered and loved..

seniors ok went late to avoid Monday class.  mission accomplished.  relaxing avoiding life's irritations.  like misogynistic Adrian.  i don't have to be polite.  SIGH.

Jennifer said my i d card expired.  hassled me over name and address.  so obviously racial.  i asked j about pools not open to seniors must take classes.  what a racket.  

yes 8 pm crashed again

i went to gym 7:30 hot tub 105 o pool 85.  i'm parking ramp to side of building tomorrow.  then walked lucky's used dollar coupon 2 froze dinners $1.50.  b'fast i made egg bread and i wanted to try b king biscuits 2/$4 bacon.  

home 9:30 'any day now' 10 am.  noon i decided to look for safe way freebie 785 went to $v dollar no ice cream.  

crashed didn't update

woke 3:30.  7:40 went dollar $v store got there 8:07 opened late.  2 burritos i nuked and ate, 6 eggs $1.25, mouthwash, dinner, asparagus.  thought about gym but frozen food so...

i cooked both burritos i've wanted for months and meat loaf dinner with asparagus and quinoa.  lunch and dinner.   i'm blessed.  i don't feel the need to go anywhere.  i used to love driving i don't know who i am.

the hardest part of aging is the loss of function.  constantly redefining who i am.  it's all exhausting.  no wonder i'm tired.

called Walter 6:30 b'day he was shopping cost co 39 minute he hasn't been sleeping.  i explained to him having lived through it.  the body remembers the parental trauma when the mind has moved on.  the calendar can trigger post traumatic stress.  it's simple genetic survival of the species coding.  so i told him i use movies or mantras to calm and bore myself to sleep.

i don't know anyone dying from lack of sleep, going crazy or psychotic not dying.

peace and quiet 3:30 am

ate leftover dinner for b'fast.  watched 'Queen Bees' again.  

just got brilliant thought:  take almonds for morning snack can be added to lunch.

i checked lucky's offers free smart water.  contemplating when to redeem.  Panera souffle 7:30 to seniors.  8 am finished closed out gift card replaced with new, ready bills.  

listening to releasing guilt not mine.  Nora Monaco Gemini Books 1995.

9:30 power went out no back up generator.  i used chrome for light in bathroom.  i was on second floor no elevator i carefully descended stair with rolling gym bag without back brace in locker and compressed spine.  reminded me of when i cleaned gutters in the rain.  did what i thought i had to do.  felt so sick.  lay down napped.

picked up lunch ate came home excruciating pain.  after rest stretching out better.  

new behaviors

working playing the puzzle table good exercise.  woke stiff and sore evenly stretched out.  hoping for the best.

sitting seniors.  sat dollar tree decided seniors.  i don't know.  today bookmobile.

11 sitting gaming in line for lunch.  woo hoo!!  i'm feeling so relaxed listening healing.  Pete gave Art lunch gave to me.  i had allergy to raw onion cucumber salad came home slept. i cooked cup quinoa for leftover chicken dinner.  since no wheel jeopardy preempted for basketball i could go sunny library pick up and dollar tree ice cream oh, what to do.  i feel tired.  unless i feel 100% i stay home rest even with ice cream.  i enjoy rewarding myself.

i'm yawning my head off.

ok-chrome crashed 6:50

i didn't get home 'til 6:15 last night and i'm ok.  i still had energy left despite forgetting my supplements.  and i'm still ok this morning.  i think.  as far as i know.

it's odd the way the blog fluctuates.  sometimes big sometimes skipping or erasing.  since everything is a reflection it's me.  

sitting in front of dollar tree.  rather than at home.  chrome hot spot freedom.  waiting to buy mouth wash still none.  i may have to go sunny vale.  no i started and changed my mind.  changing my life starts with changing my mind.  i can always go later maybe tomorrow.

changing my life one thought at a time.  i don't even care the chrome is skipping.  i used to feel upset.  

if i want i can go pool and library and dollar tree.

i like not knowing

i used to feel terrified always being punished by family whenever they wanted.  terrorized by all of them if i'm completely honest.  in my mind and heart i want to believe little sis didn't know better but she knows better now and refuses to do better.  i continue to feel disappointment.  i suppose it's a step up.

i puzzled 2 hours stretched picked up lunch.  went to mission checked movies wouldn't play.  then college safeway decided pick up hold main and homestead safeway frozen dinners gum lettuce 5% off.  

i couldn't get going

i felt like giving up.  i love having access to the internet.  i feel unlimited.  i'm reliving my formative years.

today i took out garbage opened house to cool off.  HOUSE OF GUCCI overdue no renew county.  i don't know what i want to do.  

i keep looking at jun and perceive jan.  always startles me.  what's that about? i feel a lump of sadness stuck in my solar plexus.  i want to cry.  doesn't feel like my sadness. 

8:30 seniors.  inge here.  truck just left her favorite handicap parking spot.  mine is regular across in shade.  i fixed grey steering wheel cover.  rainbow elastic snapped.  winter my arthritis hates the cold touch.  waited with group spotted gerde driving in got out her walker.

after lunch upstairs puzzle table 'til 2:30 well rested i returned all cup library movies.  i'm tired of driving 6 miles one way.  i'm taking a break.  looked online panera .3 mi.  still took 10 minutes searching for location.  chicken bacon pizza delicious.  home 4:30 brought in bin..  

watching becker marathon

i'm satisfied.  1998-2004. so much i learned.

2 pm feeling weird after 2 cups of coffee.  feeling the healing.

lost all settings chrome crashed.  i watched 'george o'jungle' online new behavior.  full episodes 'no, honestly'.  i don't need movies.

woke 6 am (anat baniel method since feb)

i haven't since can't remember when felt this comfortable easy.  8 am decided $v no mouth wash 3 beef jerky drumstick ice cream.  b'fast b king remembered to order ham.  home ate ice cream so good.  fixing driving wheel cover elastic.  croissant with lettuce lunch.

keeping cool wet wash cloth in top.  watched hummingbird bullying sparrows in backyard.  my aversion to yard besides broken back poisons alien sprayed.  i completely overlooked it when she lived here 2001-02 being bed ridden unable to get around. 

feeling sleepy 1:30.  articles about power napping encourages resting more.  constant pain allows no rest.  sleep is exhaustion not healing.  

most excellent

seniors finally put chairs back so we can sit.  i'm taking care not to do too much.  i stopped main to load lucky's.  checked hot spot ready 10 main.  paid both cities.  

97 o.

forgot returns

bookmobile day.  forgot bag home.  i like washing my hair everyday.  ate lunch separate table listening to healing with Vera.  said hi toke Helen gave me brownie bite.  

went to mission to return renew secret cd.  filled h2o Bea explained summer reading.  2 tickets each branch has separate drawings.  forgot bookmobile bag.  

back face itching. something healing.

sitting in senior gym

huh.  medium reception out on floor.  weak in locker room.

ate lunch listening healing separate table full.  lovely day perfect weather calm peaceful.  allergy palm skin trauma.  home 1:40 watched whew!  didn't feel like hanging out seniors.  boring.  

so much i want to do no energy.  the pain is a motivator.  no pain no energy.  

the plates in my skull hurt.

woke missing everything i don't have

i only have to remind myself of the present to embrace my decisions.  i have to remember my sisters' selfish reasons to have kids to be grateful i didn't.  i wouldn't wish this world on anyone.  i can only do my best and be my best.

decided to go main to drop vote and return combo borrow chrome.  this one is filthy.  wiping it down with water and alcohol.  city resolved chrome connection.  

i don't know

i suppose it doesn't make a difference if i exercise seniors or 24.  i considered.  i'm not sure if habit or desire brought me to seniors.  lot already half full.  maybe 24 tomorrow.  i like checking things out i'm so curious nosy.  

updated bills 'til 8"30 shower exercise computing.  lunch i ate with table left for home to watch 1:30 "whew!"  clouds tv reception spotty watched Amanda Redman "good karma hospital" British tv.  

i'm so glad i won't live forever

i don't understand republicans fighting democracy doing everything they can to destroy freedom that's given them everything they have.  they must believe they're special and won't suffer if we lose freedom.  like the nazis riding the power struggle to the bottom.  they believe they're immune from the results of their actions.  they can't believe they will crash and burn with the rest of the country.

like england boo hooing global warming and spending millions for a platinum jubilee.  so much insanity.  huge ego.

made ate pasta with pesto.  delicious sleepy like a drug.  

oh, yeah

i started to lucky's free yogurt and first went to fuel car $5.80/gal.  changed my mind went to b king then gym ate potato and 1 croissant.  3 bags chips for 1 game ticket considered yogurt b'fast.  took my time shampoo shower filled water.  home 10:30 "any day now".  lite housekeeping.  

ugh

awoke Marilyn Monroe singing "when love goes wrong nothing goes right" in my head.  i need more love.  

this house has had 60 years of negativity denial and depression i can't change in a day.  God can.  i keep forgetting.  i'm so used to avoiding thinking of any everything concerning family.  lying here listening to calming soothing healing subliminal is relaxing.  planning pick up expiring requests main i can go safe way now 9 am.  found my clearance bubble gum.  12 minutes to main open.

owie aching left hand shoulder.  like 1972 i wore it in a sling to keep it from throbbing.  oh,well.  back itching.  picked up holds filled water lovely not hot not cold just right Goldilocks day.

happiness=peace and it begins with me

slept beautifully listening to healing.  8 am Jamie Oliver.  watched any day now.  not much traffic 11 am.  i'm extremely sensitive to smoke sneezing sniffling.

looked online 24 hour open huzzah!!  maybe tonight.   

11:30 long line senior lunch i waited patiently and voila easy peas y.  came home rested.  games preempted by basketball.  checked out 24 gym no swim suit spinner filled water bottles.  burger king.  heaven. 

60th b'day second childhood

according to mom.  i saw tom swift in the tv listings reminded me tom slick cartoon from my childhood.  looking online it was part of George of the jungle and included super chicken.  i've been watching on you tube.  i'm reliving my childhood sans serpents.

woke up 3:30 saw millionaire watched channel 36.5 and checked you tube tv heaven.  i don't care if i never sleep.

my right ribs 1966 open heart surgery lung draining tube and left hip foot from 1972 fall muscle spasms so sore takes my breath away the range of pain.  ok i care.

went chase and mission c u.  the emphasis on appearance is sick.  no substance.  don't seem to know what they're doing.  i picked up lunch came home to rest.  started reading tom swift online.  pretty good.