so good

yesterday i came main to puzzle 'til i was tired still enough energy to puzzle sunny and return hot spot.  i considered keeping some due since october since no fines.  city freezes loans until resolved.  i decided to return.  looking for local weather i clicked scam referring me to call phone i shut off and rebooted.  i wasn't paying attention.

packing up from central i missed black mesh gym clothes bag.  oh well left in seniors locker.  time for new?  i don't feel sad and depressed.  new.

i love my microwave dinners.  burger in 6 minutes.  i ate my lunch chicken with yesterday salad i forgot in car.  i had half almond oatmeal for dessert.

love

energy in motion.  e motion.  chemical created by mind body.  impossible to recognize if never encountered.  

new behaviors

seniors puzzle exercise.  oh my aching back.  an hour moving w/o brace.  tiring and sore.  lovely lunch with toke, alex, joanie, ron.  on to central to return movies and borrow hold and puzzle an hour 'til close 2 pm.  such odd hours.  short hours mon fri sat.  

dollar tree frozen burger, chili no beans, instant brown rice.  better than 40 minute.  i really don't like cooking.  i never did.  i like eating well.

best thnx despite back leg shoulder skull pain

great food peace filled.  i didn't have to shop or clean up.  i checked safeway 4 u and added free 6 oz olives.  set maria store went after lucky gym after setting out garbage bin.  still in pain but productive.  pain is exhausting using so much energy.  

oh yeah safeway $5 gift card

gym 2 hot tub perfect for half hour stretches.  all to myself at 9 am.  walked safeway sunny library lots of parking.  i puzzled charged entered safeway game codes.  home 2 pm not hungry until i heated instant brown rice peas and burger.  croissant for dessert chips watching jamie 30 minute meal.  4 pm nap attack.   back to bed.

i've forgotten how sick i was, now i'm just sleepy and tired.

eating wasabi almonds in bed

woo hoo!  i ate some turkey and stuffing watching "kim's."  my tv family the only family i've ever had never scapegoated or shunned me.  i don't miss what i've never had.  since 8 yrs old i realized i was an orphan no parents no family to care for me relying on strangers.  they yell lose their tempers say mean things and actually regret and sincerely apologize.  

i've released most of my tv program attachments.  daytime game shows, most serials.  the loving family experience i was lacking.  that's what we're here for supplying others with emotional sustenance to heal and become whole.  

adding the w filling the hole.

thnxgiving 2022 i take full responsibility and credit

i've decided to make this the best ever.  i woke remembering how delightful cooking what i wanted and eating when i wanted feeling accomplished and successful.

remembering my ungrateful family.  the year mom dad had the flu i came cooked them entire dinner.  evil sisters selfishly didn't even call.  their excuse they were afraid to catch it.  over the phone.  blamed kids.  oh the many times they dumped their kids on mom to baby sit while they took off.  

10 am hot tub water up to chin 103 perfect soak i'm looking forward to tomorrow.  took my time dressing.  stopped $tree 2 cool whip for pies.  walter waved me over first presbyterian lovely lunch turkey gravy 3 cranberries rolls butter mash sweet corn peas glazed carrots stuffing.  desserts pumpkin apple pecan brownies whip cream.  then they found ham warming in the oven.  walter talked me into going to st clare and college safeway.  i saw alex talked to joanie and ron giving him directions 3 times on how to get to first church and reminding him they only had 'til 2 he kept nattering on.  he acts like i'm his jealous mom.  i don't care.  i think they make a cute couple.  

best holiday ever.  i ate all the ham for dinner.  honey baked spiral cut delicious.  i have a complete dinner for tomorrow and $tore food.  i am blessed.

mom always dreaded evil step sisters picking fights they always did family tradition the way she raised them.  i'm laughing she got exactly what she planted.  

my shoulder blades are hurting

before i thought maybe i was growing wings.  now i think my heart is healing.  i just want to lie in bed feeling alive comfortable.  my right temple is sore massaging it feels so good.

i went to seniors early for holiday meal forwent swim and puzzled upstairs.  they opened early.  i left computer in car since i only showered.  they blocked our table and regular outlet with ugly plastic turkey.  our tax dollars at work.  gloria let me know extra outlet so i retreived chrome from car plugged in to charge and healing music.  after lunch i puzzled then went central to puzzle more.  hurrah!!  home i cooked burger with lunch spinach, croissant.  

mini strokes

i couldn't focus on diana's name.  i see her everyday.  too much stress anxiety.  

today death jfk 1963.  i will always remember 8th grade no class we watched in social studies on tv the chaos happening live in dallas.  still makes me sad all the dead dreams.

i was apologized to for the first time in my life.  i didn't know how to react.  i'm still a little stunned.  i ate my pint of butter pecan ice cream.  

i can barely move

my back hurts so much.  just like before when i needed a cane to maneuver.  37 degrees i wonder if it was the dry cold before.  it's not supposed to warm up 'til 10.  it could be the tiny bit of nicotine i took for the fear and anxiety.  i'm only feeling excruciating pain in my waist at this point.  no fear or anxiety.  too much pain.  it's all chemicals.  willow kava turmeric and passionflower.  knowing and doing are two separate things.  waiting for it to work.

toke is great.  she remembered comics when i forgot.  12:30 i decided pick up at main.  puzzle still wrecked.  decided sunny pick up and puzzle so good.

and back better.

wah i want to cry

i'm feeling so tired and sick and sore.  my back is hurting in new sections, my stomach upset cold like 2003.  i'm binge watching "kim's convenience" korean canadian immigrants' family store and neighborhood.  2015 for 5 years.  vast similarities differences asian culture.  

i taste tested 3 coconut waters.  raley's 100 %, $ large, $ small tastes weird with vatamins in that order.  best value $ large.  

i'm slowly engaging.  maybe i'll swim and go sunny puzzzle.  book sale today no attraction.  maybe if i go. 

dozing flashbacks of lying bedridden feeling starving hungry everything eaten making me violently ill even water.  twice in emergency dehydrated heart palpitations hooked up to saline drip for hours drinking emetrol.  i have to go through to come out the other side.

4:30 am 41 degrees

i rewatched "reinventing rosealee" from 2018 year after eric died i was still in shock.  she died 102 he was just barely 61 in 2017 birthday 3rd died 13 like mom.  after all rosalee'd survived she died within days of meeting trump.  ironic.

11 am 57 degrees time to start moving.  i've been doing a little at a time back rest warm bed.  b'fast potatoes peas cheese olive bread.  didn't cheer me up like food usually changes my chemistry.  i don't know.  i organized papers to pay bart, jury duty, st just today.  

first pres church sevice 1 half hours too long.  i watched recorded online.  my back at this point i need to decompress every 15-20 minutes.  hurray i can feel but ouch also.  

10:30 am

i'm sitting senior women's locker room like a big parakeet in the dressing area accompanied by a large mirror.  i loved my parakeet talking to himself.  

i'm feeling weird processing post traumatic pain.  everything is chemicals.  memories, health, disease all chemicals.  so rather than drugs, alcohol, chemicals, medicine i'm using foods and drinks water juices herbs.  life is just an experiment.  i feel like dr jekyll.  i seek health.

i'm exhausted living new actions.  it's so much less energy used doing the same old thing.  new behaviors requires more muscular and mental energy.

lunch talking to gloria st clare ran out of complete meals after opening last year.  no difference going early noon.  i went 1pm shorter line same result.  

finally sent off cards and dw subscription

i'm so tired.  must be the psoriatic arthritis.  

bitterly cold morning

i quit working with eric when dad waited for me outside sleeping in a lawn chair.  i'd come home 2-3 am and find him.  it was too hard after working to manage putting him to bed over and over.  eric having lost his dad th 3/12/98 understood.  wed 3/11 he had an engagement party during a karaoke party with steph.  fr 3/13 steph called me to tell me frank had been killed by a drunk driver outside togami auto repair and asked me to sit koden.  58 yrs old i didn't know what that was having been ostracized by my family my entire life.  too much tragedy and sadness.  i could never understand mom's love of soap operas when real life is so tragic.  all those horrible sad years i had nobody.  now i have toke inga gerda people who care without criticism telling me what to feel and do.  

and i survived and have people who care about me.  god knows i want a smoke.

weird energy.  i made micro popcorn and the pyrex lid exploded.  years ago a pyrex pie plate exploded in the regular oven.  

 carlos looked at my car and reset light.  no charge.  i gave him the hot sauce.  

not allowed to cry

i was slapped until i stopped.  i swam seniors and puzzled until lunch.  ron came to lunch early and i remembered toke was picking up her neice and cancelled lunch.  ron took alex's spot and toke showed up hurrah!  alex doesn't care where he sits as long as he's remembered.

check engine light came on i forgot to warm up car so i resisted calling carlos went up to puzzle more and realized how much i'm missing eric.  we'd always do at least 2 holiday shows a week.  i got paid for adventures.  and eating great food.  i cried.

blessed

i got jury duty notice in today's mail i don't have to go i'm exempt 70.

i checked out homeless lawn mower too flmsy.  he was sleeping in bag on asphalt.  must have been freezing.  pool 8 am perfect.  seniors 9:30 spun suit puzzled b4 and after lunch.  alex and toke lovely.  3 pm $tree most frozen gone balsamic 1 burger 2 chicken egg rolls.  i could go everyday on way home.  

safeway gameon no yahoo sfymail

at sunny finished puzzle feeling frustrated by computer.   ear buds wouldn't work.  and type keeps resetting size to normal.  i suppose i'm normal.  

home 5 pm hungry pea soup and toasted cornbread.  

my time.

i forgot church.  well, i'm slowly gearing up.  i've been so disappointed.  i've always been the diligent one.  type size keeps resetting to normal when i set medium.  huh.  like i can't tell.

10 am i forgot church and choose not to watch 'any day now' resting relaxing my back.  wow.  i choose health.

the rest of my life is for me

i took my time cheese toast b'fast.  loaded free p'nuts pick up 785 safeway and trident gum.  decided gym 2 stopped 150 safeway first.  clearance coconut lemon thumbprint cookies, olive and corn breads.  i met 63 jakob east indian christian in pool works apple s clara lives in campbell.  stayed sunny library 'til 8 pm.  most excellent day.

i didn't eat lunch and i didn't miss it.

listening to healing

little effort to change my life.  of course thirty years ago i didn't have the internet, free chrome.  now is the best time to be alive.  

watching 'dough'

i'd forgotten the druggy life.  pot, marijuana.  i never felt the underlying sense of anxiety before in my stomach.  just part of the autism blended into everyday life.  ex was such a junkie taking anything available.  

time for b'fast.

ron at lunch quoted rabindranath tagore "god respects me when i work but he loves me when i sing".  remarkable.

i keep forgetting i'm a conduit

nothing belongs to me it's on loan.  i'm only the steward.  

yesterday i puzzled 2 half at sunny today at seniors.  i picked up free just 4 u bread college safe way.  easy fixture front bread aisle.  i'll ask toke if she wants it.  i have 3 breads.  i'm feeling so tired i lost shower hair comb and today i almost left swim suit senior locker.  

24 fit

connected.  9:32 i forgot tu and th free swim seniors.  $tore 8 travel tooth brush.  they fold up!  

bart still hasn't submitted hours.

i'll keep up my end.  i enjoy doing the right thing.  makes me feel strong.  

i scrambled 2 eggs topped shredded cheese in tortilla.  waiting half hour to digest.  i spent most of my life running from one task to the next driven by my mom's screech to hurry hurry up while she sat.  it became such a part of me i stopped hearing it and just performed like a trained animal.  

i loaded free body armor drink safe way.  i picked up after gym @ home stead.  clearance 6 do nuts $2, garlic baguette $2, $20 cash.  as i was leaving checkout monk patrick call him henry came in with all his worldly possessions filled large clam chowder soup for b'fast.  i went out to car returned knowing i had to go back in with bread.  he was open to receiving i had to offer new perfect backpack from rummage.  maybe he'd refuse.  his eyes lit up when i offered.  i told him church and library across street.  he mentioned asian restaurant if he had enough money.  back to car for wipes, sanitizer, mask, $20.  i told him i met eckhart tolle and thich nhat han on their holy journeys and thanked him for doing a tremendously difficult job i wouldn't couldn't do.  

seniors i felt sick.  cold and i felt the old humiliation from family doing the right thing resulting in their criticism and scorn.  threat of death.  i asked toke to tell me i'm ok and she reassured me.  oh, my stomach when i think of it.  she remembered the sun day funnies.  i forgot.  i shared 4 do nuts i didn't keep.  

as i was leaving gorges shows up wants me to get lunch to go so i can entertain him.  i went to mission library new hours 9-5.  

i could go to sunny but it's rainy and cold.

dst

i'm enjoying simple and easy.  big sigh.  inhale exhale.   

i'm considering church.  

if i don't know for sure i don't do it.

for the employees

i resent i'm not an employee getting paid.  the expanded library hours seem more for the employees.  

i decided first presbyterian craft fair.  took my time 9:30 Flora from senior swimming gave me big hug.  she was told by front desk no classes available.  i told her free swimming tues. & thurs.  i found 4 books $2.50 i told her keep the change $3.  stopped st just pantry and signed up for holidays.  home i put away groceries ate waffle & strawberries had to nap.  too much excitement.  awoke from nap energized i went to gym.  Alex is transferring to Soquel.  i'll miss the cutie.  

i made cheese toast, Campbell's princess chicken soup added salad.  

picked up freebie probiotic drink.

loaded 6 am.  swam 24, seniors lunch good with alex and toke my favorites.  walter came with minnie support hen.  left early main puzzle trashed so read paper and picked up chrome.  hot spot @ sunny i'm covered next 3 weeks.  

i'm planning my thanksgiving.  maybe time to find a church.  main closed 2 i went safeway sushi dinner.  nuked and toaster oven frozen chicken spring rolls dessert.  

brilliant

Danny's recycle to make room in trunk.  puzzled at seniors 9 am waited for bookmobile 10.  visited shared vitamin gum.  swam, lunched and no toke left early collected oranges.  decided to call star one to final ira.  paperwork e mail from sunny to s creek blvd.  

i decided to check walmart for water and gum none.  passing citibank i stopped paid atm closed branch.  at star one i signed papers waiting for dept to authorize will mail me copy.  stopped $tore dinners ice cream.  

dropped off oranges and avocados at tokes.  home so tired hungry i made bean burritos from leftover lunch and napped.  arms are sore and itchy from shots.

very productive feeling successful.

i forgot my suit

7 am i looked out backyard window to check wood ladder bart working in dark barely can see your feet.  said he had plans later.  i got dressed ate rice sausage toasted cheese i put in plastic.  paid bart $70 mentioned the receipt he gave me for new sprayer that looks old and used he admitted he kept new one and i didn't have to pay him for it.  yeah, right.  then he starts pressuring me about patio things he'll get rid of yeah right like the persimmons, lemons, avocados.  like he's doing me a favor.  he wants the plastic 5 gal planters.  

gym 8:30 lovely swim an hour.  i love watching people.  

11 am seniors i looked for suit to spin.  i left it hanging on locker door.  puzzle table crowded nurse group i wandered around.  situated myself for lunch lovely puzzled half hour headed pick up suit detoured for rite aid appointment for booster and flu got it done.  decided patelco ira rmd numbers couldn't find license backtracked rite aid found in shot room on floor.  credit union didn't want to give me numbers saying ask my financial advisor i don't have i said i Never received statements i need 12/31/2021 ending balance miriam says rmd for 2022 and finally ending balance like she's doing me a favor Not her job.  i do not like that at all.  got home exhausted from ordeal and shots ate cheese toasts and chips feeling so tired napped 2 hours.  wanted to go nob hill last day coupons went 8 pm for hour looking at everything.  bought myself raspberry parfait treat.

where's my house key?

somewhere in the space time continuum.  i talked to Morgan yesterday in the women's locker room.  she opines agrees that according to schedule posted today and thurs are free swim at seniors we'll see.  and first of month paying bills.  bart left message 9:30 yesterday about can i put out bins.  too late.  

i figured it out.  i'm wooed by lazy men seeing me happy wants zero effort relationship then set about making me over to take credit for my happiness with a few lunches dinners.  they don't want relationship.  no work involved taking me out.  they have to eat anyway.  

found key, withdrew chase, got bart money ready, remembered safeway soup looked for gum none, meant to pick up holds started puzzling 'til 6:30.

remembered went nob hill coupon expire no eggs bought egg land already boiled and free strawberries.