APOLOGIES

I'M HAVING SO MUCH MORE FUN.  DOING WHAT I WANT IS BLISS.  

DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS:  SHE WAS ALWAYS ASKING IS THAT WRONG?

MY PARENTS MADE ME SUFFER IF I WAS HAVING FUN. 

I READ A DILBERT CARTOON; HE ASKS POINTY HAIRED DEVIL BOSS TO ASSIGN HIM TO A REASONABLE PROJECT HE CAN ENJOY AND DEVIL BOSS SAYS HE'S NOT PAYING HIM TO HAVE FUN.  SO DO WE HAVE TO SUFFER?  IS THAT REQUIRED?  PART OF THE JOB DESCRIPTION?

NEW SEASONS MARKET

I'VE BEEN HAVING FUN.  CHECKED OUT THE NEW STORE IN SV FROM OREGON.  IT WAS EXPENSIVE AND HAD A HUGE RANGE OF PRODUCTS I DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED. 

IT'S A HUGE STORE WITH AMPLE PARKING.  7-10 DAILY.

I'M FEELING A LITTLE TIRED. 

I STILL WANT TO GO TO CSAA TODAY. 

NOID

I'VE BEEN RUMINATING OVER THE MOST ANNOYING PEOPLE.  BECAUSE A 30ISH FEMALE AS FAR AS I COULD TELL, WAS PULLING SKIRTS OFF THE CLIP HANGERS AND TOSSING THEM OVER THE RACK.  I WAS THERE FIRST AND SHE TOSSED THEM AS IF TO BLOCK MY VIEW.  SO I SAID IF YOU CAN'T MANAGE TO HANG THEM UP GIVE THEM TO ME AND I PROCEEDED TO HANG THEM.  AS AN EXCUSE SHE SAID THEY GET PAID TO CLEAN UP AFTER HER.  I SAID YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY GET PAID.  SHE ASKED IF I WANTED TO WORK THERE.  I SAID NO I DON'T HAVE TO WORK AND WITH HER ATTITUDE SHE OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T WORK.  SHE TRIED TO TELL ME SHE WORKED FOR HERSELF.  RIGHT, BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO WORK WITH HER.

KEY DIARIES

I SUCCESSFULLY REMEMBERED WHERE I LEFT IT. 

I STILL HAVE OLD ENERGY FROM A STEALING MINE TO COVER HER CARELESSNESS.

I LIKED HAVING THE  LATCH KEY FREEDOM.  AND LIKING THE ALONE TIME, FREE FROM CRITICISM AND PROJECTION. 

JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF THEIR ABUSE AND REJECTION.

PREDATORvPREY

IT SEEMS THE NATURAL SYSTEM.  ALTHOUGH MORE PEOPLE SEEM TO BE WAKING UP.

THERE'S TO BE A NEW PROGRAM OF AN AUTISTIC DOCTOR THIS SEASON.

DAD WAS THE LEAD PREDATOR.  A COWARD.  TORTURING WEAKER BEINGS NEVER MAKES ONE STRONGER.

OWWY

I'M STILL DOING THE BEST I CAN.  I'VE BEEN SO TIRED AND SLEEPY.  LISA ASKED IF I'M CRANKY TOO AND I'M TOO TIRED.

TODAY SAVER'S HAS T-SHIRTS $1.  I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

HOOKY

I FORGOT DW FOR 3 DAYS.  MY SPIRITUAL VITAMINS.  I'M BACK ON TRACK TODAY WITH PRAY FOR OTHERS. 

YESTERDAY I SPENT ( COIN ) TIME WITH GARY TERPENING.  HE WANTED TO BOTHER ME.  MY CHOICE.   HE WARNED ME SITTING DOWN.  HIS EXACT WORDS.  I BELIEVE HE MAY SINCERELY WANT TO BE HAPPY.  THE PLANET NEEDS ALL THE GOOD VIBES IT CAN GENERATE.

I KEPT INSISTING HE SHUT OFF HIS TAPE.  FUNNY HOW PEOPLE GO INTO AUTOMATIC SO EASILY.  HABIT?

TANTRUMS

THE IC SABOTAGES WHEN UNHAPPY. 

I WANT TO KEEP MY IC HAPPY, PRODUCTIVE AND HEALTHY.

I GET TO THE COMPUTER ROOM AND I COULD LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AND NAP.

I HAD MY SNACK, LEFTOVER CASSEROLE FROM LUNCH.  MY JUICE. 

I CHOSE NO SAVERS OR ST. J.  I READ WHILE SNACKING AND I STILL WANT SOMETHING.  WHAT??

1961

I'M BACK AT 1160 LAWRENCE STA. RD.  THE COLD TWO STORY HAUNTED HOUSE ON 1/4 ACRE.  THE BEGINNING OF THE DESTRUCTION OF THE FAMILY.

THAT'S WHEN DAD FREAKED AND SCREWED THE FAMILY.

OH WHAT TO DO

I DON'T KNOW.  THE GOOD PART IS I DON'T HAVE TO.

I went to spts b4, srs, mlib, st j, mlib, and home.

I HAD IT

AND I LOST IT, OR MISPLACED IT.  AT LEAST I FOUND MY PAPERS.  I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND THE CARDS.

T CALLED AFTER SRS, BBB, AAA, TO SAY I STILL HAVE TO BE HOME FOR THE SKYLIGHT.  THAT'S WHAT HE'S BEING PAID FOR, SO I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.  AT SOME POINT YES, NOW NO.  I GET TO CHOOSE.  I'M NOT A GROWN UP YET.  POSTPONE, PROCRASTINATE.  

AND GOD STILL LOVES ME.

I CALLED SCOTT AND HE NEEDS WEEK+HALF TO FINISH TWO JOBS. 

THIS NEVER ENDING REPAIR IS DAD ALL OVER AGAIN.  DAD ALWAYS DID WHAT HE WANTED NO MATTER WHO HAD TO SUFFER. 

I'm sleeping a lot.

SO TIRED

GETTING TO THE ROOT OF MY ANXIETY IS HORRIBLE.  THE HOUSE REPRESENTS ALL MY MISERABLE CHILDHOOD AND MAKES ME WANT TO RUN AWAY.

A EVEN SAID IT.  THAT'S WHAT I DO.  YOU CAN'T FIGHT THE INSANE WITHOUT BECOMING UNHINGED.  I LEARNED THAT TRYING TO REASON WITH THE INSANE IS A WASTE OF BREATH, ENERGY AND LOGIC.  MY ENTIRE FAMILY.  MY EX. 

IT'S TAKEN 67 YEARS TO GET TO THIS POINT.

AT LEAST I MADE IT.

FUN,FUN,FUN

NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY.  PROCESSING DAD 18 YRS.  ALSO WHEN I LEFT HOME.

SENIORS EXERCISE, CAMPBELL LIBRARY RETURNS-PICKUPS, CALLED T @ D'S MADE PLANS FOR SUNDAY 10 AM B-FAST.

SAVERS HALF OFF, FOOD MAXX, HOME TIRED.  LIKE THE LAST YEAR OF DEAD-DAD.

aug/1999

I FINALLY CRIED FOR DAD TODAY.  I HAVEN'T FOR 18 YEARS.

HIS LAST YEAR WAS EVEN HARDER THAN I THOUGHT POSSIBLE. 

A SET UP TAKING MOM TO TAHOE AND WASN'T GOING TO TELL DAD.  SO I TOLD HIM SO HE COULD GET OVER HIS ABANDONMENT BEFORE THEY LEFT AND MOM COULD TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT.  A SET UP HER CHAIN OF MANIPULATIONS TO GET HIM TO AGREE TO ACUPUNCTURE AND HER CHIROPRACTOR IN SOUTH SAN JOSE WINFIELD MALL.  I TOLD HER DR. GAIL HERE AT O'CONNER'S WAS BETTER AND CLOSER BUT SHE INSISTED AND MOM WENT ALONG WITH HER.  SETTING UP DAD'S PAINFUL DEATH, SEPT 5, 1999.

FLASHBACK

LIKE A BAD TRIP.  I'M FEELING HELPLESS AND HOPELESS.  JUST LIKE MY CHILDHOOD. 

IT COULD BE THE AUTISM.

NEENER-NEENER

I'M FEELING BRATTY.