FEELING SORE

I FEEL LIKE I WAS BEATEN.  MY BACK AND SHOULDERS.  AND I'M FEELING EXHAUSTED FROM DETOXIFYING. 

I FORGOT SPAGHETTI IN COOLER AND HAD IT FOR LUNCH AT SRS AFTER PUZZLING.

MISSION LIB HAS ONLY BEEN OPEN FOR A WEEK.  IT FEELS PERFECT.  YESTERDAY I PICKED UP THE CHROME FROM MAIN.  SAM MISSION CALLED TO MAKE SURE IT WAS AVAILABLE.  I SAW JUSTIN ON HIS WAS TO SCU. 

I TOOK AVOCADO/GUAVAS TO JOHN ST JUSTIN.  IT FELT TOO PERFECT.  I WENT TO MCD'S FOR HAPPY MEAL.  HEAVEN.

CPR

I WENT TO FIRE STATION#1 FOR HANDS ONLY CPR AND HAD A CUP OF LIME SHERBET.  THEN I WENT TO MISS LIB TO TELL THEM AND FINISH MY LIME. 

I'VE BEEN DOING WHAT I WANT.  IT FEELS SCARY GREAT!!

I WAS SO TIRED I FORGET THE NOODLES IN TRUNK.  I CAN EAT THEM TODAY.

SATURDAY BLISS.

GAS LIGHTING

INGRID BERGMAN, ANGELA LANDSBURY, JOSEPH COTTON.  MOVIE OF WOMAN BEING PSYCHOLOGICALLY TORTURED AND DRIVEN MAD. 

MY NECKLACE AND INSULATED LUNCH BAG SHOWED UP LAST NIGHT.

NOT WHERE I KEEP THEM.

THE EVIL SISTERS. 

LEAVING THE PAST BEHIND

MY SILVER NECKLACE/GOLD T CROSS IS MISSING.  WASN'T WITH HEMATITE THIS AM.  I CHECKED FLOOR.  GONE.  BLESS AND WATCH FOR BLESSING.

I WANT A COMPANION.  I RELEASE THE PAST.

ERIC

NOW I UNDERSTAND MY SUCCESS AT CAR SHOPPING JUNE.  ERIC'S FIRST YEAR GONE.  THE BROTHER I ALWAYS WANTED.  5 YEARS YOUNGER.  I WAS READY TO CHANGE PLACES WITH ALL WHO DIED.  AND I'M STILL HERE.

AND I UNDERSTAND BORROWING YOU CAN HEAL YOUR GRIEF 6 WEEKS AGO WITH 4 OTHER LOUISE BOOKS.  I THOUGHT I PICKED IT UP BY MISTAKE.  NUH-UH.

MARCH 2016 I STOP BY THE SHOP ON MY WAY HOME FROM MONTEREY DUNES.  MAY 16, 2016 THE SHOP BURNS DOWN.  AT THAT TIME ACCORDING TO THE NEWS ONLINE THEY KNEW HE HAD STAGE 4 COLON CANCER.  HE HAD HAD STOMACH, LUNG.

I'M STILL PUZZLED.  I MISSED IT.

MOM & DAD

THEIR RELATIONSHIP SET THE TEMPLATE FOR ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS.  I NEED A NEW, BIGGER MODEL.  REFRESH.

MOM WAS AFRAID OF ALL DISCUSSIONS BECAUSE DAD ESCALATED TO ANGER AND ABUSE.  SO I HAD TO LEARN TO ARGUE AND PERSUADE.  I CONSIDERED BECOMING A LAWYER BUT DIDN'T WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE IN CONFLICT.  I CONSIDERED MENTAL HEALTH BUT REALIZED THE SYSTEM TO GET THE EDUCATION IS MOSTLY POLITICAL AND HAS AN INSANE ELEMENT.

I'M STILL CONSIDERING WHAT I WANT TO DO.

MY INSULATED LUNCH BAG IS MISSING FROM HOOK.  I WANTED TO BRING CELERY.

FOUND A QUARTER IN LOCKER ROOM.

PARTY ON.

I AM BLESSED

GOD HAS ALWAYS TAKEN CARE OF ME.  MY ABUSIVE FAMILY GAVE ME A SOLID FOUNDATION OF THE WORST LIFE OFFERS AND GOD HAS GIVEN ME BALANCE OF LIFE'S GOODNESS AND FUN AND JOY AND PEACE.

FLASHBACK

I FELT EXHAUSTED ALL DAY.  ACHY IN MY SHOULDERS AND UPPER BACK.  AFTER LUNCH I GOT MY FLU SHOT.  WENT 3 MILES TO CAMPBELL LIBRARY.  ONLINE I SAW THE CHROME WAS READY.  ONE DAY WITHOUT.

 I LISTENED TO L. HAY DRIVING.  MY STRESS AND ANXIETY ARE LESS.  PICKED UP CHROME ATE LEFT OVER CHICKEN PASTA.  READ WEEPING WEREWOLF AND CAME HOME.  I FELT SO TIRED I ATE A YOGURT. CRACKERS, M/M S.  BREATHING INTO MY BACK I COULD FEEL AILEEN KNOCKING ME DOWN FROM HITTING MY BACK.  AS SOON AS I ACKNOWLEDGED IT WENT AWAY.

STILL FEELING GOOD

I MUST LEARN TO PACE MYSELF.  I RAN AROUND YESTERDAY FEELING GREAT.  TODAY I'M FEELING TIRED.  I'LL GET HERE.

CELERY THE WONDER FOOD

I GOOGLED CELERY BENEFITS.  WHEW!!  AND LAST NIGHT I SLEPT 7 HOURS STRAIGHT THROUGH.  AND NO ACHES.  I STILL HAD TO RUSH TO BM.

I BORROWED TWO LOUISE HAY CD'S AND LISTENED TO THEM IN THE CAR.  I CAME HOME AND READ FOR HOURS.  HEAVENLY.

HURRY BEING

I'M PRACTICING HUMAN BEING.  I DECIDED ON FAUX CRAB SALAD.  THE CRAB CAKES WERE DELICIOUS.

MY RED COPPER ROASTING PAN HAS DISAPPEARED FROM THE OVEN WHERE I STORED IT.  THE WOLFGANG PUCK PAN WAS GOOD.  MY INSULATED LUNCH BAG WITH THE STRAP I LENGTHENED IS GONE.

I REMEMBERED TO BRING CELERY AND GOOGLED BENEFITS.  WOW!!  IT'S LIKE THE WONDER FOOD. I NEED NEVER FEEL HUNGRY AGAIN.

just as well

THE COMPUTER IS FORCING ME TO GO SLOWLY.

PERMEATE & PERCOLATE.  WHEN A CHILD I HAD NO CONTROL OVER THE PROGRAMMING.  NOW I MUST REPROGRAM AND CONTINUE TO UP LEVEL AND CHANGE.

I REMEMBERED CELERY AND ADDED SOAKED ALMONDS.

I EXERCISED AND WALKED SAFEWAY.  NO CROISSANTS.  MARIA SAFEWAY HAD CROISSANTS FOR A DOLLAR MORE.  I HAVE ROLLS.  THERE'S A NEW MICHAEL'S OPENING AT MARIA.  I'M EXCITED.

I BORROWED TWO LOUISE HAY CD'S.  I'LL TRY THEM IN THE CAR.  WHAT ELSE DO I WANT TO DO?  I HAVEN'T DECIDED.

BEEF

10-12:30, 1:30-5.  HEALING/LH PLAYING ON CHROME.  SUCH FEELINGS OF LOSS AND ABANDONMENT.  MY 7-8 YR OLD SELF COMING ALIVE AGAIN.  I HAD TO HIDE HER AWAY TO SURVIVE.

I'M FINALLY SAFE FROM EVERYONE BUT MYSELF.

NOON-  I WENT TO G2, WALKED AROUND SAFEWAY.  DROVE TO MARIA SAFEWAY FOR PCH, CRABCAKES, FAKE CRAB.  ONWARD TO SEE LUCKY'S.  2 MIN BROWN RICE, TERI CHICKEN.  POSTPONED MCD FOR BROWN RICE, PEAS, FAJITA CHICKEN AFTER I DRAINED OFF GREASE.  I USUALLY FEEL BETTER AFTER EATING.  AND I DO, CALMER.  I WANT TO READ TODAY.  NO RUNNING AROUND.

LOUISE HAY

EVERYTHING IS ONLY A THOUGHT.  WHAT I THINK ABOUT ANYTHING GENERATES THE CHEMICALS I FEEL.  I CAN CHANGE MY FEELINGS BY CHANGING MY THOUGHTS ABOUT ANYTHING.

EXAMPLE:  I'M GRATEFUL MY SISTERS STOLE FROM ME.  I DON'T EXPECT THE WORLD TO GUARD MY BELONGINGS FOR ME.  I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR MY THINGS.  I TAKE CARE OF MY THINGS.  THEY OWN ME.

HOMELESS PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEMS OWNING THINGS.  EVERYTHING HAS CONSISTENTLY BEEN TAKEN FROM THEM.  A THROWBACK TO HUNTER GATHERERS.

SO MUCH BETTER 9/11

INGE LET ME KNOW ROSE MARIE INVITED US TO LUNCH THURSDAY SO I GAVE CANCEL SLIPS TO ALL OF US.  I'M INCLUDED.  THEN SHE OFFERED ME HER RECYCLE.  I FOLLOWED HER TO HER HOUSE TO PICKUP 3 BAGS.  I CAN RECYCLE  TOMORROW OR NOT.  IT'S UP TO ME.  HA HA!!!

NEXT TABLE GAVE US PASTRY.  DESSERT!!

12 TO 5:30

FRED ROGERS-AMERICA'S GOOD DAD.  I'M STILL LETTING GO OF MY DISAPPOINTMENT WITH MY DAD.  AMERICA HAD A GOOD DAD TO BALANCE THE VIETNAM WAR, CONSUMERISM.  VIET NAM WAS THE SELFISH WAR TO MAINTAIN THE MONETARY INTERESTS OF COLONIALISM.  I THANK GOD FOR THE BALANCE.

I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO HAVE FEELINGS.  I WAS TAUGHT TO SUPPRESS MY FEELINGS.  THE FAMILY EVILS WERE ALLOWED TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGS ALL OVER ME AND I JUST HAD TO STOICALLY TAKE IT.  I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.  MY LIFE DEPENDED ON BEING AS INVISIBLE AS POSSIBLE.  AND NOW MY STOMACH AND BACK ARE RELEASING ALL THOSE FEELINGS.

FRED ROGERS ACKNOWLEDGED KIDS HAVE FEELINGS AS IMPORTANT AND BIG AS ADULT FEELINGS.

MOST ADULTS THINK KIDS FEELINGS ARE LITTLE AND UNIMPORTANT.  YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL THAT.  WRONG.

10:23 CUPERTINO LIBRARY.  I BOUGHT CROISSANTS AND DOUGHNUTS ON CLEARANCE.  I HAVE CHOICES.  I CAN TAKE THEM HOME OR LEAVE THEM UNDER WET SWIMSUIT.  I JUST THOUGHT OF IT.  I PARKED IN THE SHADE AND I CAN PARK UNDERGROUND AT MLIB.  OR SHADE AT ST J.  TODAY'S THE LUNCH.  GINNY INSISTS.  SHE'S KIND OF BOSSY.  AT 95 I GUESS IT'S SERVED HER WELL.

I FOUND TWO QUARTERS IN PAY PHONE.  MY ANGELS ANSWERED WHETHER STILL THERE.  TYGJ ANGEL CHOIR.

I HAVE MY EARBUDS AND CAN WATCH YOU TUBE.

had to turn in chrome.  AT MLIB.

AND I'M BACK.  I KNEW THERE WERE 3 CHROME AVAILABLE BUT "DENNIS" DIDN'T BOTHER TO CHECK WHEN I REQUESTED A CHROME.  I CHECKED MY ACCOUNT B4 LEAVING AND ANOTHER COPY OF NEIGHBOR FOR 3 WEEKS.  TYGJ.

I WENT ONLINE TO PAY CITI.  I TRIED THE ATM AND NOW IT REQUIRES PASSWORD.  I HAD IT TAPED TO DOOR AT HOME.  I CALLED CUSTOMER SERVICE MISSY NO HELP.  SHE LIED IT WAS ALWAYS REQUIRED.  BS.  I'VE BEEN PAYING FOR MONTHS AT ATM.  I HAD MULTIPLE BILLS BECAUSE IT REJECTS SO MANY.  IT'S SO PARTICULAR.  I WAS RATTLED.  STILL CLEARING.

EARLY MORNING 4:49 AM

THE BEST TIME TO LISTEN TO MEDITATIONS ON YOU TUBE.  TYGJ.

GOOD RECEPTION ONLINE.  I'M AS CALM AND STRONG AS I'M GOING TO BE ALL DAY.  OPTIMUM.

BETTER, BEST

WHEW!!  I SURVIVED ANOTHER ONE.  BAD DAD WEEK.  THE LAST WEEK HE WAS ALIVE WAS HELL.  BEGGING MOM AND ME FOR HIS VICODIN SO HE COULD KILL HIMSELF.  HE WAS IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN FROM THE CHIROPRACTOR AILEEN AND MITZI INSISTED HE VISIT EVEN THOUGH I REFUSED TREATMENT.  I ENDED UP TAKING HIM TO EMERGENCY FOR MORPHINE.  HE WAS DEAD IN TWO DAYS. 

MITZI CALLED ME TO TAKE HIM TO THE CHIROPRACTOR AND I TOLD HER HE WAS ALREADY IN SO MUCH PAIN NONE OF US SLEPT THE LAST WEEK HE WAS ALIVE.  SHE CRIED SHE KILLED HIM. I TOLD HER AILEEN WAS THE ONE INSISTING AND SHOULD HAVE TAKEN HIM HERSELF INSTEAD OF MITZI TAKING HIM.

LET GO

I'M USING THE MEDITATIONS.

3:30 A.M. I GIVE CONTROL AND FOCUS TO HAPPILY EVER AFTER.  FASTER CURRENT LEAST RESISTANCE. 

i keep forgetting

today's dad's deathiversary.  of course i feel sad.  i've been feeling sad and then when i think i remember.  my body remembers.  taking care of him for ten years through his decline, wrecking my back not having the training to carry him when he couldn't walk.  the panic, drama, endless, sleepless care taking.

so many trips to emergency the doctor recognized me when i went in for treatment. 

feeling vulnerable.

i'm feeling like a toddler again.  no words just apprehension and wonder.  and my body hurts as it changes.

I WONDER WHERE THE IDEA OF 60 BEING THE SECOND CHILDHOOD CAME FROM.  THAT WOULD MEAN MINIMUM 20 YEARS MORE EXPECTED.

BLESSES AND CURSES

I WAS THE CURSED CHILD.  I LIVED IN THE CURSED HOUSE.  I'VE BEEN PERPETUATING THE FALLACY WITH MY MISPLACED LOYALTY.  MY FAMILY CURSED ME WITH THEIR LIES.  I LOVINGLY RETURN THEIR LIES TO THEM.  I DON'T WANT THEIR LIFE I WANT MINE.

I DREAMED OF BUTTERFLIES READY TO FLY.  THE METAMORPHOSIS IS COMPLETE.  I JUST NEED TO FEED MYSELF AND FLY.

GOD BLESSES ME EVERYDAY.

BABY

I SLEPT LIKE A BABY.  IT MUST BE THE CELERY.  I CLEANED 5 STALKS AND ATE SOME.  I WATCHED MY GAME SHOWS AND NOTHING WAS ON SO I WAS GOING TO READ BUT BY 8:30 I WAS ASLEEP.

I AWOKE 4:30 STIFF FROM SLEEPING LITERALLY LIKE A LOG, UNMOVING.

DRIVING TO G2 THE LIGHTS WERE WITH ME.  I PARKED, PICKED UP THE TV GUIDE, WORKED OUT, WENT TO SAFEWAY $.99 LEMON BAR, BROWNIE/COOKIE, HALF PUMPKIN PIE.  ON TO CUP LIB, PHONED PCH, WENT ONLINE AND RENEWED CHROME, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO RENEW FOR TWO DAYS.  I ATE ONE BROWNIE, OK NOT GOOD.

I DON'T HAVE TO GO M LIB SO I CAME HOME FOR LUNCH AND REST.  WHEN EVERYTHING GOES SMOOTHLY I GET NERVOUS.  THE PAST I'M LEAVING BEHIND IS FEAR.

AUTO PILOT

THE SUBCONSCIOUS IS THE INNER CREATOR.  MY PROGRAMMING AS A CHILD CAME FROM WHAT WAS INSTALLED, INSTILLED IN ME.

NOW I GET TO CHOOSE WHAT MY PROGRAM CREATES.  I WANT TO FIND AN EASY, DELICIOUS, HEALTHY FOOD.  I WANT TO DO MORE FUN.  I WANT MORE TIME TO BE A HAPPY CHILD.

I FINISHED THE CELERY AND FORGOT TO GET MORE.  I'LL REMEDY THAT TODAY.  MY HEALTH IMPROVED WITH CELERY.