to feel ok. it's been almost 20 years since i ripped my back the night mom died mom's day sun day 5/13.
i stayed up to watch late jeopardy and wheel because of national football league draft. i don't understand how it's so important two nights in a row.
saturday-mom's 100 b'day.
and martin yan is supplying fresh lunch at noon. i don't know. 13 minutes to pick up 12:19. 2 basic teriyaki drumsticks on a bed of fried rice. very fresh delicious even the broccoli beef best quality. i feel nourished. twice maybe 3 x the amount of food.
senior lunch walked and stretched. rib lets i can have for dinner if i'm hungry.
i used cart made 2 trips 3 bags 1 box groceries. maybe end of month there's more food i don't know. they dump the food arbitrarily. took me 2 hours to sort and separate everything. i'm paring it down to 1 bag and box. only the things i like and know i'll eat.
oh, i love the crystal lotus candle holder i bought at goodwill. the little crystal lotus fits perfectly in it. so beautiful. the fly fishing apparatus looks like a little man with the magnifying glass head and 2 clip arms on the 2 footed stand. so cute and perfect for making jewelry.
i ate all the sweet potato tots half the brussel sprouts and part of the rib let and bun.
walked and stretched. i finally know why i keep watching classic concentration. mitt and i watched when she was 3 and i was 8. we made up our own version to play. playing cards for the matches and drawing puzzles. i can finally lay to rest 'hoe purr pie jell.' her version of gomer pyle.
i thought she was my friend but she took after alien. safer survival. i can't blame her for being 'normal.' or can i?
now i've cashed $10 p c h check the pressure is off. 3 month exp date.
and i figured out saggy left side of face due to right brain stroke at 21.
i'll wait 'til i'm hungry. lunch looks ok but i have no appetite. i'm feeling too tired. walking home stead safe way nothing looked good. got my 99 cent eggs. ate 2 already. one last night one this morning. sitting on mission library patio for reception after senior parking lot closed noon. i can smell pizza and bbq cooking local restaurants. not even that piques my appetite.
felt too tired to finish games and forgot mom contest. came home. i actually wanted to come home. i usually dread it.
my general feelings. woke feeling stressed. decided no bins today. no need. still feeling the sword of damocles over my head. could be end of month blues. it's been awhile. tonight is pink full moon 8:30. the pull of the moon luna-tics.
love sick the film numbness vs feeling. i had so much pain squashed down inside me to tolerate living. my entire childhood was humiliation, degradation and torture. it's a miracle i'm still alive. as a toddler i remember being pushed out the window, off swings. i learned if i did it to myself my sister would leave me alone. i learned to be alone.
i checked check from pch issued by wells fargo. i can pick up eggs from last week ad and go to bank. lunchtime line out the door. got eggs, walked store, nothing i wanted. bought eggs considered bathroom code didn't need it needed home.
i brought my lunch for sitting across seniors. picked up paper and recycles. walked and stretched. i'm still tired and restless at the same time.
i forgot to leave open blog page and had to wait. i guess i needed a break.
i finally sewed skirt to crochet top to make dress. maybe 10 years? now it's occurred to me to crochet pockets.
i guess computing is part of my self care. gives me a schedule framework. i woke 5:30 and stayed in bed 'til 9. still recovering from overdoing.
i still have the bruise on my foot. i called talked to toke regarding carpal tunnel. she was wearing a wrist brace. she fell and broke her wrist 2 weeks ago. when she went to the doctor had it x-ray'd doctor wanted a plaster cast but settled for velcro brace toke already had. forgot to tell her violin lesson. told her milk or dark chocolate good for heart and stress reduce.
i checked emails. i picked up free lucky's drink. big lots 2 free spices and 5 off 15 this weekend.
i feel safer using city internet. i'd prefer better reception. limited access makes me more cautious and aware. can't take safety for granted.
aspies are impatient. yes i am. internet slow today. only on chrome. when i used mission very fast. only half hour limit.
i'm coughing sneezing up a storm. the nicotine gum is irritating my sugar sensitive throat, i ate fresh olive bread from home stead safe way. they cook it better than cup bakery. it has more body and better crumb. and i bought clearance slice of unicorn cake. i wanted a piece when i saw it at college safe way. so cute.
i wanted bread and corn chowder panera sent an email earth day soup half price so i went to s cl and she said i could only get it online. yeah right. they didn't want my money i came home opened a can of progress o chicken corn chowder. i didn't even heat it. it was delicious with the olive bread. and for dessert i had bread and jellied cranberry. and then i ate half the unicorn cake. it has layers of frosting. no flavor but fun. and if i add fresh fruit it will be better.
child again. the bad old days alien took my key lost her own blamed me. that's the front door lock issue.
last night i couldn't blog and didn't feel like going back out for connection so i rested. still tired from long tuesday. didn't do any games or sweeps. and i survived. imagine that. not even anxious. only feeling a little irritated.
of course. city employees have roped off best parking place in shade for no reason. unless to discommode seniors. accomplished. what goes around.
briskly walked stretched. back better. hips neck shoulders still working stiffness out. lunch was ok. i ate while watching the parking lot drama unfold. i went over to main to compute so i could check for olive bread at safe way. score. and i found 2 pair clearance easter socks $2.70 and half price unicorn cake slice i've wanted to try since i saw it at college safe way. frosting between thin multi colored layers.
life is good and getting better.
they do delight in annoying seniors. they had their 'meeting' on the lawn and refused to open the parking lot. oh that jennifer. and yesterday they started right turn only leaving the lot. what goes around.
like just in promoted to central admin the female wolves are happy. they have their mission pond back. arbitrary. i wonder if the library is matriarchal?
picked up sesame pork ok lunch on to main compute. kept falling asleep not watching videos.
1:30 i had to move main for gardener. no connection came home.
i woke in so much pain. stretched still painful. carried on.
i went to lx-scb safeway no jerky. walked store didn't buy too sweet corn cake. tried to redeem extra nail clipper no go. stomach upset from choc milk. went to wal mart paid p g e and bought 2 blue and 1 cherry pie. seniors after 11. imagine that. walked stretched picked up lunch. toke came over to thank me for bread so good they ate half last night. came to mission for computer reception.
patio in shade cold brr. good reception. i can see jets take off sj airport. car warm lunch good. supposed to be fajitas. onions and bell peppers. i can feel my feet swelling but so tasty. beans good.
pain free.
so i considered home early. halfway there i remembered last day safe way 99 cent eggs. going down bowers i remembered senior day good will. $4.37 pens and case, green stained glass butterfly, brand new roll of frog tape. i went main for computer shopping list. st just squash. no eggs clearance easter cookies $3.99 from 13. wouldn't give code for bath room i found receipt. so after asking i got rain check on eggs signed ad. if i hadn't saved it in car i would have been out of luck none in store.
i got home 5:12 starving hungry. i cooked hamburger chopped up squash ate olive par bread with lunch juice. delicious. i toasted blue pie ate with yogurt. not as good as i'd hoped. not enough blueberries. pumpkin or pecan better.
changed into pj's i have big bruise right foot instep. doesn't hurt.
lost my settings. at mission bea supposed a virus messed my tabs and to reboot so i did.
the early morning yard work yesterday still was with me despite the stretching, fell asleep 12:30 woke 6:30 racked with pain. my stomach stated hurting night before. got the pain out stretching and put out bins. garbage came 7:30.
9 am went to cup safe way walked store half off olive bread talked to store asst mgr harold had rain check written for jerky. no nail clipper. stopped homestead fresh from oven. one for me one for toke.
i asked toke for help and she did it. she actually brought my bouncy home for me. while stretching and walking senior park across the street was fold up walker and mini trampoline with other things. i used the walker to get the trampoline to my car. i thought maybe helen could use it. i couldn't fit the trampoline in my car. when i saw toke it took me 10 minutes debating asking her for help. and she did it. she dropped it off without torturing me or being dramatic or refusing to help.
she has no idea how AWESOME this is for me. she's done more for me in the few senior center years for me than EVERYTHING everyone's ever done for me my ENTIRE life. my family trained me not to expect help from anyone. my important relationships supported that. i picked them from what i knew.
i know different now.
i called to thank her and helen already has a back up walker. i have another in middle room. i use it for moving things. i'll buy her olive parmesan bread. it's so good and light. doesn't need butter or anything.
went to carlos for check engine light. he fiddled with gas cap because it came on after fill up and checked hoses. reset the computer. it was nice connecting. he got vaccine. i went to college safe way driving all around school. 2 easter candies. one for toke. sat at mission computing. seniors lunch picked up baby chicken lunch. rice and steamed veg ok. gave toke candy. computed at main 'til 12:30 then decided cup safe way. still no jerky waited to talk to latina matron customer service with unknown off brand. she delighted in disrespecting me by talking down to me blaming the dept mgr for lack of product. i told her i've been half dozen times different days different times and no product. she has the nerve to tell me like i haven't been shopping for 60 years freebie is sample to try and once product is gone that's it. i told her they have 3 facings that have been empty and they need to substitute something else for customer service. she said she'd talk to her manager, yeah right. then she asked if i wanted phone numbers. i told her i can find them on the website. i went to valley fair i was so pissed and found clearance dark chocolate. at least no fake facings. check out clerk asked if there was anything else i asked about jerky she said she had freebie too she couldn't find. i told her cup bait and switch and reminded how stores have been sued for advertising with insufficient product. i felt better. i stopped at saratoga lucky chicken breast $1.77 using clearance and reward. home for love boat. sliced and cooked rinsed chicken in artichoke juice. i folded and put away laundry and washed dishes. i feel tired and good.
i washed 4 loads $5. dried the towels and comforters. bad computer reception kiely and seniors. went to main funeral at st just filled parking lots so i came home. i hung laundry.
i finally tried food processor to slice dried almonds made a mess. sliced almonds must be fresh almonds. oh, well. i have some sliced in garage. i made linguini and added asian dressing, tomato mozzarella from senior lunch, jerky, sesame seeds. so good. lunch was so tiny.
dizzy again. took white willow to thin blood and i'm drinking lots of water to avoid possible clots from vaccine.
i decided not to do anything to house and yard. i wanted to keep things for nit and her boys but they've sabotaged me so no. i give 110 %. like my divorce i worked my way out. no regrets.
toke left chili. she called to tell me to refrigerate turkey. we talked for 38 minutes. mostly i talked. i think everybody has psychic experiences but most people are better at accepting and moving on. 'course in miracles' miracles are happening all the time but most people don't notice. it freaks me out, i resist and remember.
my arm wasn't sore 'til today. i've felt so good i had to rein myself in. i kept wanting to wash laundry. i think a side effect is euphoria. i'm practicing pampering me.
i feel empowered. i went to kiely no reception stretched and walked. went picked up lunch computer slow. so college safe way i picked up free tissues, hand soap. just 4 u pizza and lettuce. came home noon cooked pizza removing onions to cook separately added inoki mushrooms and pineapple. lunch was tiny. i ate the entire pizza so good.
love boat repeat i lay down and watched '...she wrote.' slept 2 hours. guess i was very tired. i planned bills. i feel good.
i put out bins last night and tied bags this morning. paid city at kiely and then reception went out. i went to seniors picked up lunch with weird games sometimes working and had to search to find scratch path. is it weird or me? my neck is sore and i feel dizzy. as long as i'm seated i'm ok. is it the vaccine?
he's gone and i can safely go back free and clear. i took my time rising. i was excited and slept sporadically. i went to fill up gas, drove to fremont early. checked in and was done by 11:15. lots of forms to fill out. not well organized but dr linda du helpful.
drove over to newark and always construction going on. looks beat up. went past house. remodeled and tiny. looks old. no nations. pavilion had flea market i walked nothing i really wanted. getting hungry tried bbq sauce sample drum ette tough. not tender. drove through town to highway backup. some cars reversing. i forged ahead unlike me. in 13 minutes cleared 3 lane closure. i ate meat stick drank flavored water. listened to 1610 and secret cd. drove home cruise control 55. went to senior park 1:30 paper gone. stretched and walked. too hot went to lucky's double points bought 2 clearance asian salads 1 tri tip dinner. 5 hours old like leather. potatoes little rocks, brussel sprouts tender. ate at main while computing.
home by 5 love boat at 6.
arrived kiely an hour ago. made appointment san lorenzo lucky's wed 4/14 3:30. do i want it? i feel tired and sick of jumping through hoops. i want to cancel. i don't want to go back. definitely not.
i surrender. i did my stretches.
i want ease and peace. clean, cool, healthy.
flashback of grade school, high school eating my homemade sandwich. i always made my own lunch if i wanted to eat. i never got money for lunch like the sisters.
went back in cancelled san lorenzo. so frustrating. picked up tomorrow fremont 11:30. better. fill up gas and gone.
came to senior park and mission forgetting it was saturday. justin is here.
my stomach very upset. i'm eating vitamin c candies. the grapefruit especially good. i stopped at st j scored 3 dry milk. i prefer it. i spent the afternoon organizing. i love doing without having to think.
so i must be new. i watched stretch and sit 9.2 living room. decided to go on gum run early to avoid street sweeper. passed it on nobili. then s j dollar tree nothing. 99+ 3 pads 2 per ox spray. walked college safe way nothing. mission computed paid prop tax. seniors walked stretched computed.
w mart vaccine i went online nothing tried walgreen's nothing. i'm feeling frustrated. i seem to be stretching out different parts of my back shoulders and feeling it in my arms.
so i'm doing my games. looked up quitting smoking. over a year and i'm feeling weird.
i'm feeling so frustrated i want a hissy fit. that's good and alive and human. normal.
america is lucky he wasn't smarter. movie of industrialist fascists equating wealth with the right to manipulate and rule. using money to control and subvert people's thinking. appealing to emotion to control thinking. using prejudice, fear,
wiki compares the dead anti hero with william randolph hearst.
fascists, anyone so short sighted must be limited in intelligence or they'd look to history for the end results of tyrants and despots. 1) they all die 2) most die horribly. so many historical examples.
doesn't feel like easter. it's so quiet. next door had their easter yesterday.
i've listened to the hypnosis cd 2 times now and i'm feeling changes. i'm ready. my back is hurting in a new way.
takes a lot to shake me. watched pre-code movie free soul i'm feeling shaken up. and that's what art is about.
i went to target for multi closed so i went to sprouts 90/$21. i'm totally worth it. i don't feel like driving around. arr senior park just after bike boys picked up paper noon. i stretched, walked a little feeling tired. tried computing no reception. ate an apple walked a little more finding abandoned paper. my issue with abandonment. makes me sad.
taken this long for new post to load. i've been patient and neutral. it's responding like a human brain. the longer and more reinforcing the stronger the connection. had to move car for slightly better reception. i'll take it.
i knew to expect an epiphany when i couldn't sleep 'til 3:30, woke 5:30 and finally at 8 am remembered my mom being typically critical guilt inducing. and i felt sad her version of love was mean, cruel, soul crushing. what she lived and passed down to us. i pray all of us learn better, kinder.
i saw grace on el camino waiting for bus wearing unknown beige hat. chips dollar store.
some computing kiely park. walked around scoping amenities. lived here most of my life and brought mom to see begonia or camellia festival she wanted to see. like diamond exchange in redwood city. or jewelry store in cup. my life was dedicated to making my parents happy. dead-icated. when i was little i was afraid of them and when i matured, i understood, i realized how sad they really were. they never took responsibility for their continued unhappiness. so they never learned how to be happy.
checked county requested secret cd. remarkable turn around time.
my family are good examples of how not to be.
ate my r b sandwich and raw asp. picked up lucky's free vita water clearance p chops. maybe i'll bake with mustard. back to main more computing.
i'm so blessed. someone worthy to share it is perfection.
i drove past st just left bag of apples and took black pepper spam. home i watched 'love boat' cooked p chops with sliced onions 'til tender.
playing you tube seniors was crowded. closed tomorrow. waited half hour. complimented on dress. couldn't find hot pink wore floral.
drove to target paid bill. dropped off insurance. chase withdrawal i saw grace outside a t m. i waited asked if she wanted milk, no. she hurried off. driving to main i saw her st just. asked orange, no. in hot sun i asked big or little hat. both. i gave her korean and park hats. on to computing main. arby's email 5 classic $5. i keep thinking it's fry day.
1:30 i decided to go home put senior food away. washed hair, rested, watched "love boat."
found march 6 lost check on front porch. drove to star one deposit to checking. cup library returned 4 movies secret cd. decided i wanted arby's checked steven's creek super safe way for smoke meat none. april fool arby gone. i went back to main computing considered sunny arby. drove there had to take lap top for email, checked safe way, drove remington home 8:15. i enjoy driving again. watched young sheldon ate 2 sandwiches. tomorrow no seniors i have lunch covered. awesome!!
