watched aquaman aagain

Amber Heard is an average actor and Johnny Depp is an excellent liar.  she has no charisma and he is an alcoholic addict practiced in deception and manipulation.  watching the trial reflecting on my divorce.  the older they are the more experienced at giving the audience what they want.  explains Putin and Trump too.  i can tell Depp revels in convincing everyone making him the superior liar/actor.  that's the payoff.  feeling superior.  

11 sitting listening to healing seniors waiting for lunch opening.  went good will salad spinner $3.50.  lunch Gerde kept asking the same questions and Inge bless her heart answered over and over.  so patient.  she deserves the best angel that she is.  i couldn't do it.  

oh, what to do memorial monday

9:13 sitting gym 2 parking snacking b king.  i never read the coupon i got ham egg cheese croissant.  visited Lucky's free drink had to return home forgot brace wearing bathing under dress.  will try car reg machine again safeway dmv kiosk.  huzzah!! i did it.  and i bought 2 clearance sandwich + snack boxes $7.07.  too tired to swim i shampooed then noticed the swimsuit spinner broken anyway.  came home ate lunch and napped 3 hours.  

wrote out life insurance Wednesday banking.  i've decided one phone for car one house.  

i feel shot in the back

ironic how many times i've been betrayed.  i've never had anyone in this lifetime protect my back.  during Mari-el i connected with 3 deaths from back injuries.  no wonder i have trust issues.  

watching Dr. Daniel and wife Tana Amen overcoming anxiety depression trauma grief on PBS.  talking directly to me.  i'm ready to give back family drama trauma alcoholism suicide and create my own life story.  i've been living theirs.  of course my sisters have continued along family lines and seem further along.  they didn't re invent the wheel just kept rolling along alcoholism suicide road.

cooked quinoa with chicken and bell pepper juices.  shredded ca bobs so good with almonds  Bragg amino supplement.   my improved healthy diet.  any step an improvement.  i accept any improvement without diminishing its importance.  

my family always diminished my successes.  never acknowledged my college degree.  2 years later Alien in attempt to manipulate me out of the blue says mom and dad hurt i didn't invite them to my graduation when they never offered any assistance or acknowledgement when i told them 1976.  she so crazy.  i never even went to my own graduation.  they criticized and ridiculed my accomplishments taking credit when they did nothing.  i didn't need more of that.

i figured out how mom made me a caretaker.  she made me always put everyone else ahead of me.  i was a non person completely unimportant.  my survival depended on taking care of others without complaint.  i didn't exist.  

complete

i'm eating delicious burger king hash browns and sausage croissant.  heaven.  8 am i decided to look for Friday freebie and check 24 gym Lawrence.  not open yet and yogurt sold out.  clearance chick ka bob and 4 cobs.  i wanted burger king.  only b'fast i ordered croissant forgot to order bacon.   sausage still yummy.  

decided to try Saratoga Lucky's and clearance none.  Labne in cheese case lots.  hurrah!  

back is still unstable getting used to it.  how depressing.  slept noon to 1:30.  feeling better.  amazing how much of my life was spent as a slave in this house.  not the house's fault.  i'm finally coming out of the family funk.  cooked chicken micro garage kitchen.  

3 pm Jamie Oliver 30 minute meals!!  i love learning to make my life easier and tastier.

sitting 2 hours my right foot pinky toes so sore feeling broken for this entire week.  i don't know how people sit for hours.   

i feel such love

i'm still in excruciating pain.  when i'm completely still the pain stops and i can feel the love powering every cell. 

good day.  home to watch whew!  

1972 again

8:46 am charging at snack bar watching traffic.  early bed i'm feeling better.  i just decided i'm waiting for bookmobile.  i can shampoo and stretch after in fact i usually do on Thursday.  today it's official on purpose.  

blustery cooler today.  the smell of the new redwood chips in the planters reminds me of dad the carpenter.   excruciating pain left side of body runs like taking care of dad.  and dealing with mom's resentment and persecution.  table left early back pain.  watched half movie.  

remembered Trudy strawberry shopping bag took hours to find i put away so well.

which came first

i think the ego distraction and then physical pain attempting to draw attention.  1986 motorcycle injury.  my ankle so swollen i didn't notice shoulder rib hips.  oh, my neck whiplash 10 lb with helmet.

oh, my left rib both hips so sore makes me nauseous.  lucky me no one wanted to compute.  Ray has neighbor for practice tests.  and i have fruit candy to settle stomach.  

dream woke me

discussing associate arts degree of man.  and more will be revealed.  must be Raymond.

according to  AARP minimum 25 gms of protein required at b'fast and every meal for senior muscle maintenance.  that's a lot.  

i unintentionally bullied clerk yesterday into refunding me $6.  the veg jerky really was $5.29.  the signs for $2.29 were for other things.  it was crowded and people were lined up behind me so she gave it to me without argument.  went back 8 am.  i'm feeling embarrassed.  

like the Australian aborigines i let my spirit catch up to me.  i'm sitting seniors resting my upset tummy sore haunches.  

Gerde wants to wait for Thursday to continue computer practice license tests,  but inge talked Raymond into taking the tests i took him upstairs he did 3.

routine.

so tired.  did a lot yesterday.  14 miles driving and walked 8 stores.  woke 2:30, 4.  tried sleep soda.  has warning.  at 5 put out bins for garbage pick up.   deciding what to wear.  listening to healing.  new 24 hour shirt of course.  if not for new shirt not so enthusiastic.

seniors i changed to bathing top hot day.  after lunch i showed Gerde online DMV license tests did 4 practice.  she wants to do more tomorrow.  i'll take her upstairs big computer tomorrow.  Thursday Cody her own library card like Art.  i prefer people be independent.

so hanging out with neg Gerde i locked keys and phone in car at college Safeway:  veg jerky, clearance parchment, orbit gum.  Marisa customer service called 'triple a' Danny quickly efficiently unlocked and i was home 3:15.  what a creative day.  i want more veg jerky.  Gerde is stubborn like me.  intelligent and stubborn or committed.  maybe commitment manic.  she makes me laugh with her complaining like dad the only person in the world getting older and weaker so special.  i love her like dad.  

time for everything

3 movies ready at Cupertino library.  i'm surprised Apple hasn't put city on world map since cup is world headquarters.   8:30 Maria safe way one lone mango no slivered almonds.  Ross' had most beautiful car floor mats with rhinestones $10 if i had a fancy car.  cup mike no shirts and super safe way no almonds.  must have stopped carrying.  gym safe way has dmv kiosk for car reg.  tried for 10 minutes wouldn't read card.  5 bags $2.99/10 oz almonds. 

whew!  11:47 sunny library.  hotting up.  book sale starts noon.  i'm glad i have snacks i'm hungry.  considered safe way deli but no. 

home 3:30 can't believe how early i'm home.

hot spot

i can go anywhere anytime unlimited limitless.  awesome!  how blessed i am.  i patiently waited 'til 8 cooked egg bread with prepped strawberries.   planned lucky's free seasoning 3 bags dill p chips for 1 game token and big lot coconut chocolate candy shopping.  2 free 24 hour shirts XL 2 chips 4 oz water.  opening Thur.  Alexis and Chris trainers very helpful.  

done by 9:30 home watched "any day now".  schedule changed 11 am classic concentration to 1 pm.  movie "dreamer" 2005 Kurt Russell Dakota Fanning quite good.  3-6 Jamie Oliver 30 minute meals.  interesting one commercial break 5 minutes.  how blessed i am.  he's so entertaining 3 hours gone in an instant.  

just read online sunny book sale today tomorrow.

seniors fair today

here i am.  i took my time argan oil shampoo into better bottle.  washed hair i love every day.  i feel good.  wore brace under workout clothes for walking fair.

10-11 am booths fair had free strawberries peach nectarine banana.  so many goodies.  i feel good i walked it.  lunch 11:15 in line ate in with table.  followed Gerde loaded her walker.  home 1 pm.  i walked a lot feeling tired.  sunny library tomorrow maybe.  24 hour definitely.

4 am

i was ready to go.  i'm excited 24 due to open.  

took me 2 hours to figure out how to reconnect chrome.  i turned off spot as experiment.  i learned the chrome has to be connected for the spot to connect not the other way.  i'm becoming proficient.

i cooked ate egg bread cut up strawberries for lunch salad.  brought home sunflower seeds.

seniors 7:30 am already 63 o.  going to be hot maybe.  onshore wind may keep cool.  1 pm feels ok very windy.

gave myself a fright left locker keys in car after bookmobile.  i remembered 1 pm after lunch.  eating lunch low blood sugar helps.  left leg still swollen sore from 1972 and 1979-82 injuries.

course in miracles

watching Jill Scott "Highway to Heaven" i can tell she loves doing it but was so much better as Mma Ramotswe.   i don't know.  in light of the latest shooting we need more participation.  where was the family of the ny kid?

Panera

John is usually here.  he's always welcoming.  i wrote review online.  then on to seniors exercise.  no adrian.  hooray!!  did a lot of bike and stretching.  

i got excited picking up new chrome hot spot combo and forgot phone charging in senior locker room.  i called consumer to pause it and ellie paused the wrong phone.  i can't use back up.  maybe both linked.

what a day.  left leg swollen sore 1972 injury.  i'm trusting healing.  

i'm wearing bathing suit tops.  so comfortable.  i can go to 24 early to relax.

very excellent panera

 1.7 mi.  from main.  i looked on computer after turning in hot spot to Ben.  i looked online to request hot spot and holding new combo two options.  

brilliant.  i feel brilliant.  spent my day doing what i want.  seniors washed my hair avoided annoying adrian using the stretch table for the first time ever watching for my reaction i ignored him and the irritating bitch turning off my fans.  i had already decided to use alternate machines.  mellow cool workout.

picked up r b sandwich and salad.  went to main for new movie Jill Scott  found more.  turned in hot spot requested new combo and singular.  requested both.  so city and sunny covered. drove over to st j turned around found shade ate my lunch main.  went back in used computer for time and distance to Panera.  lots of people online.  

nob hill $33+ i used coupons saved $26.  $5 frozen potato peas samosas i cooked and ate 8.  so good.  fresh strawberry lb and $5 huller.   $9 chicken alfredo for b'fast tomorrow. 

left leg numbing out.  right rib hips better.. feels weird no internet.

i'm getting excited for sat day gym opening.  new $6 bathing suit top i can wear in and out hot tub.  

woke 2:30

i'm blessed.  this is the best time to be old.  unprecedented freedom.  people don't acknowledge the pattern of life.  i'm watching new movies borrowed free from library.  i have everything i need not everything i want.  a good thing or no reason to strive.  

i'm listening to healing eating my chili mac with sweet baby carrots cooked in the microwave and forgotten.  i'm so blessed.  so delicious.  

9 am i looked online for dmv smog test stations Santa Clara.  one close just opened i called drove over 2 ahead i charged chrome and spot listened to healing.  headed home detoured good will $6 bathing top the remembered rite aid booster shot no appointment waiting.  done and done home 11.  missed my 'any day now' show hey life is choices.  

egg bread and chili mac lunch.  so good.  watching "Walton's" marathon.  heaven.

hungry 6 am.

made my egg bread and a banana.  SIGH.  just thinking how blessed to live at the time when life became honest.  covid is nature balancing gluttony and disrespect.  indigenous people stress respect for the planet realistically accepting this is the only planet we have.  scientists and technology unrealistically believe we can go to the moon or mars to escape the pollution and irresponsible use of resources.  insane.  compassion isn't accepting insanity.  accepting insanity encourages insanity.  makes insanity seem ok.  insane thinking and behavior cannot be tolerated.  must be ostracized.   

city hot spot due Monday 10-2 or grace day 3-7.  most are broken.  Sunnyvale has chrome hot spot and combo.  long waiting list lot more equipment.  none at county.

lunch tuna sandwich, dessert pealed apple cinnamon p'butter.  mac cheese can chili.  i was just inspired.  3 pm my ribs and hips stopped aching.  finally enough movement.  

i used to miss talking i don't anymore.  i'm watching 1981 "Saturday the 14th".  

awake since 3 mom's 21st death day

i made egg bread relaxed watching my tv games shows and looking forward to my afternoon nap.  i'm enjoying watching great movies from cup library. 

i forgot 'til 8:33 arriving at seniors.  and it suddenly hit me.  spent the day as i wanted stretching computing resting.  2 hour watching "Maggie Cole" slow train wreck like mom and dad.  legs feel good ribs hurting released locked muscles.  woo hoo!

egg bread

finished bread soaked in beaten egg.  my own invention french toast without sugar.

early to seniors sitting computing allowing my soul to catch up.  new me washed hair ready for bookmobile.  ate lunch in on to cup pick up movie.  home tired nap.  feeling better.  

feel tired

lack of energy sucks.   my body is winding down.  i did a lot new.

awoke scolding God the promise of Eve being Adam's partner taken from rib not above or below but from his side.  Bible written by men.  chicken and egg dilemma.

when we studied with Jehovah's Witnesses i was 9 asking questions God is all knowing and knew Adam and Eve would eat of the tree of knowledge.  kicking them out of the garden was expected.  

7:47 seniors arr time.  splendid day.  Adrian is a bitch.  he yelled at me to impress a female predator.  he's dead to me.  she went around turning off fans just to preen.  that's what predators do."look at me, look at me" mating posturing.  

2 pm channel 7.3 "Misty" of Chincoteague movie.  i read all Marguerite Henry's books and Walter Farley black red piebald stallion books during my unhappy childhood.  

hungry at 5

i got up heated chicken cooked potato onion.  'zoolander 2' is outrageous.  so many stars.  waited and watched my game shows.  

cold second day wearing shorts under dress.  mom always made me wear pants.  now i'm a girl i can wear dresses.  so much more comfortable.  autism hypersensitivity to fabrics textures smells sounds.  

my obsessiveness i can drive to Campbell for a movie or wait who knows how long.  Saratoga has the other one i want.   i'll let it sit.  i decided to go america's tire air top up and from there Saratoga Library.  drove expressway couldn't believe how far 12:45 ended at senior center 4 years old Feldenkrais class 1-2.  stayed and observed Michelle Winterlaken instructor, Wanda client.  good relaxation.  synchronicity.  

stayed up to watch Hugh Laurie in 'Mr Pip' 2012.

looking forward to gym opening. sat 21

i woke excited for a change.  i rarely feel good waking up.  family's been half my life.  i've cleared up so much karma.                                                                                                  format is malfunctioning.  my back seems better.  i filled gas tank stress free.  medium traffic took 10 minutes.  the new me.  ate lunch with table fixed Art's lunch bag strap.  computed charged chrome and hot spot.  street blocked off for clean up i went around down expressway no ire.  new me.  i almost bought meat loaf remembered last minute cooked chicken.  great dinner potato onion chicken.  the new me.                                                                           cut cooked ate artichoke.  so delicious fresh from garden.  love the blue green color.                             

"i remember mama" 1948 happy mom day

lost my post didn't update and chrome crashed again.  and i'm capable of retrieving pages.  hurrah!!  awake since 5 am.  i just have to keep up dated and close top.

i learned everything good from tv.  i spent my weekends cleaning house mowing the lawn since the age of 8 to 18 when i was kicked out for putting myself through college.   dad had to quit school 8th grade to help his family and hated me.  Mr Rhodes my high school advisor applied to colleges for me.  i tutored his daughter through algebra.  and then Mitzi at 13 had to clean.  maybe.  she probably got dad to do it.  

i learned to budget from the movie setting aside money for rent, then food.  prioritizing taught me critical path management.  and seeing how a loving family functions.  i couldn't bring myself to complain like my sisters so i was always last if remembered at all.  mom told me like i didn't matter.  she rewarded them for complaining like Gerde.  that's why she complains non stop but it just makes her sicker and sicker.  like George thinking Trump a saint.  that thinking makes him sicker.  he can barely walk too.  

what i know about love i learned from the movies.  wasn't any for me at home.  mother's day movies.

i went Lucky's for freebie none.  bought 3 cherry soda for ticket forgot misplaced found went  back.  not the success or failure the attempt = intention.  

lost all my settings

exactly 2 weeks i started blaming myself like the family punishing me.  the chrome crashed froze last night wouldn't turn off to reboot.  tygj.  i didn't realize how deeply embedded the family blame and persecution went down to my very bones.  thank you bad back.  all the family baggage ive been carrying hurting my back coming to the top.  i took chrome to Monica and half hour she taught me to refresh with power buttons. 

and it crashed again.  i pressed refresh and power and it reset.  i regained what's important to me.  my choices.  city clean up tomorrow nah.

awake since 4

had a pop tart for b'fast.  adapted gym bag.  puttering making my world better..  9 i'm feeling sleepy relaxed.  i went dollar store for mouth wash got corn chips.  haven't bought for months.  

i still

 think of this as a paper journal and don't like 'wasting' pages that are only in my mind. 

interesting i gave 2 bottles free monopoly game aspirin to inge to give to gerde and she was going to keep both.  she only gave one so i suggested she keep it for when gerde forgets to bring hers.  the only reason i remembered was when i got the box cutter for the mail order.  pain can only be acknowledged as a chemical experience.  

i called Walter check in.  he just rambled for 24 minutes.  he's so autistic.  went nob hill 4th time the charm last 3 ears of corn.  i cooked and ate all.  so sweet and good.  2 minutes wrapped in parchment paper.

woo hoo

finally connected too many users online.  10:20 pm.  

doing what i want i'm the most like mom

i'm so glad i never had kids.  the compliments i get on the dresses i make from mom's boxes and boxes of fabric are part of the death gifts dream 1986.

i'm calmly feeding myself.  i opened black pepper spam so good.   especially with my favorite nut and grain bread.  

i decided on Panera at 7.  changed and abundance of quiches.  i considered 2 but i only get credit for single purchases.  unless next time i get 2 separate.  an idea.  i'm such a simple soul it just doesn't occur to me.   mom always labeled me sneaky when actually it was Alien pulling my strings or else.  who always appreciated me taking the fall.  none of my men did.  mom not acknowledging made me think she was dim but maybe just in denial.

i want to wash my hair again my scalp is oily.  sometimes the a doesn't print.  

noon i'm sitting shade eating lunch mission library opens an hour.  i have quiche for dessert.

i realized the cover of 'love' reflects the oil painting i did 1986.  jeweled crown headpiece and covid veil.

no internet all afternoon.  so sunny?  connected to strong hot spot no internet.  something wrong with chrome.  not working.

i start tired

and work my way to exhaustion.  reading statistics on average life i have 10-15 years left.  and i'm glad.  talking to bookstore volunteer at main yesterday commiserating she's 84 could be dead any second.  life is too complex and getting worse.  no wonder Thoreau popular.  "simplify, simplify."  1880's.

i'm loving the size and ease of this smaller book.  i can hold it in one hand and type with the other.  i'm updating regularly.  i lost all my original ruminations.  i can shrink and expand the screen.  

8 minutes to mission c u.  i'm so early.  i'm gaming in the car.  stretched, consolidated shampoos feeling efficient.  half hour to pick up lunch sat fireplace room charging hot spot chrome and table came sat down to visit.  1 pm came home.  chrome sometimes works.  

i inventoried supplies that came in 4 separate bags.  it's all here.  no mouthwash in catalog.  i've never noticed. 

no internet

could not connect.  too many online possibly.  and i was done driving after seniors, main, chase, jack in the box.  i waited 'til 1 to eat in car at main and just too tiring.  lunch pick up so slow line out the door for an hour 11:30-12:30.  exhausting day.  

most movies are dark or stupid

i am not entertained.  reading is always better, drawing on my own imagination.  feeling end of month blues.

i have to eat something substantial i ate a pop tart.  steamed veg 2 hot dogs.  added instant mash.  

happy b'day mom.  walter sr is star wars day.  this is the first year i didn't obsess for weeks before.  hurrah!  

i don't want to do anything.  i looked online for anthem otc took my time scrolling ordered supplements.  we'll see.  arr tomorrow and Tuesday.  

do i want Lucky's peas and hot dogs.