dreams

i live in dream country=heaven.  where we go when we sleep.  

i over stretched yesterday spent very uncomfortable recovery.  that never happens in heaven.  i'm sitting feet up watching 'that girl'.  

i don't understand how Eric could disrespect me.  our entire relationship my fictitious denial.  my 'little brother' sentenced himself.  my parents the same.  makes me feel sad.  they taught me to be the best to reap the best.  what you put out you get back.  they always called me lucky refusing to acknowledge the correlation.  simple physics.

i went to sunnyvale library 1 pm open to return and borrow.  detour around driveway sidewalk torn up.  stopped gym beautiful cool day.  feeling good dollar tree frozen dinner 2 burritos.  high protein for healing. 

5 pm watching old cartoons.  1940's.  still makes me laugh so silly.

yesterday wiped

where it went i don't know.  i kept updating so i don't know what happened to what i wrote, i'm so confused.

24 gym great

picked up recycle lost yellow driving glasses ok.  retraced steps evaporated.  new spare in car.  seniors Cody 4 new movie prize book bag and free bookstore item coupon.  picked up recycle.  spent an hour online frustrated to replace driving glasses no good.  bbb, night view websites not user friendly i want to use gift cards.  

lovely lunch with Toke and Diane.  Alex came and went early with weird curry turkey salad.  needs diced potatoes.  

home rest taking care of baby.

i get to eat what i want as much as i want.

mom always condemned what i did and said.  my sisters who looked like her were praised for all good or bad.  i looked like dad and she hated me.  i could never understand why she stayed with him.  he was never loving toward her i could never understand why he stayed with her.  

24 hour gym energizing.  stopped $tree for canned.  i'm covered for dinner.

internet slow.  had lovely lunch Diane and Toke.  sitting waiting for main to open for 2 holds and reading prize.  12:30 drove over perfect parking in shade back.  picked up movies couldn't find my reading prize tomorrow bookmobile

i'm feeling so sleepy.  must be pollution from fires.  i drank oxygen and felt better.  

ex anniversary next month

i can't believe i've lived this long.  i soaked @ 24 hour soothing my body.  i'm so worth it.  b'fast cooked onions from salsa with 2 eggs in flour tortilla.  so good.  walked picking up recycle.

picked up more recycle park seniors.  i'm enjoying sitting seniors people and hummingbird watching.  inge shared oatmeal crackers.    

crashed!!

24 hour fitness such pain.

left haunch feet.  called Carlos from parking lot he said 9-9:30 i added air filter and noon better for me.  alright Me!!  way to champion Me.  my stomach still upset.  seniors i ate cherries and avocado squashed in car.  i liked it.

upstairs on the couch feet elevated i'm so comfortable i could fall asleep.

mango salsa very strong red onions upset stomach again.  allergy.  Pete gave lunch i pounced.  took to Carlos' noon i relaxed new couch and bench seat gaming.  he was impressed chrome hot spot.  done hour $86 Eric never less $500.  only charged me $35 labor.  home napped 2 hours.

de boned 2 drumsticks

put braised bones out for crows they took bones and all.  i thought they'd pick it clean they took everything.  

spaghetti o's for b'fast.  making myself happy.  

my favorite word update.  chrome crashed i didn't blink just kept on keeping on.  real progress.   

left haunch leg swollen stiff achy i'm ok.  i'm feeling the healing.

waiting for God

i get it.  i'm tired of feeling tired all the time.  spent the morning looking for 2 boxes of dark choc cherries i picked up last week can't find them.  bought 2 more and remembered the vulture sisters.  my lunch tool box dad gave me is gone.  not important just annoying.  don't feel like gaming.  don't feel like anything maybe sleep.

cooked noodles opened can chicken a la king added almonds delicious.

i'm still mourning 2017 Eric 6/13

i just feel so bad he suffered.  

i have to continue to take care of myself.  no one has done it for me.  toke thinks of me.  

big lots free sparkling. 

filter oil change

8:44 stopped at Carlos' after paying pge Walmart desk now opens 8.  on to seniors Jeanie found Mochi bites Costco.  still deliberating to go dentist straight or from home.  i like deliberating.  even though it's de- liberating.

feeling sadness as another change within toxins leaving body.  having the hot spot is liberating.  i'm soothing myself with healing music.  gently loving myself.  my back and stomach messed up.  

dentist made me wait.  good fast cleaning complimented me.  i haven;t changed my care so fari ali did way too much resurfacing my teeth.  

hudelle (you-dell) new at seniors.

she doesn't know what her name means.  i prefer my autism.  looked up baby names pedia.com scandinavian not yiddish means lovable.   

woke in terror 4:30

my miserable childhood of criticism, threats, punishment, sabotage all leaching out of my cells into my bloodstream to be swept away.  memories are chemicals stored to protect and defend us from future threats to survival.

came home to watch monk

took me hour half to skin, separate 8 quarters 10 lbs chicken.  i cooked 6 drums and spaghetti with pizza sauce.

i've been so terrorized in this house.  everything here is off putting.  

oh, yeah

put out garbage after skinning separating 4 quarters thighs drumsticks.  bagged in plastic froze.  despite forgetting swim classes seniors parking i'm #1.  my legs feet hips so stiff sore.  glad i soaked yesterday loosened up boosted circulation.

after lovely lunch i returned due chrome combo to main after testing sunny hot spot with city chrome worked fine.  i don't know if it's dell or sunny program that dumps everything when laptop is closed.  very annoying to constantly have to restore all tabs.    Lenovo and Samsung city chrome keeps settings unless it crashes.  

henry ford and soy beans

he was ahead of the times except for being extremely prejudiced.  

watched Rosalie Glass movie by her daughter Lillian remarkable.  

i've been deliberating

 st j today next week?  when what time.  i want to watch 'any day now' or do i?  

tuned in to feeling 7 years old as i sit watching 'Beverly Hillbillies' i'm back in time waiting for others to rise making my b'fast alone feeding little sis keeping quiet so as not getting in trouble.  

went st j after show and home put things away 15+ lbs frozen chicken, threw out unusable mushy cucumber, seedy celery, radishes, the cheese wrappers a winner.  

lots of air interference.  computer and tv reception.

100 million neurons

stomach is called second brain but i think it may be primary.  the head brain is a calculator.  it's designed to execute.   the gut determines assesses and decides.

feeling content

i didn't game or journal.  i basked in feeling contentment.  

and today doing what i want i'm improving.  i'm feeling more confident.  4 movies Lovely Cody filled out my tickets for summer reading.  i don't like handwriting.  had lovely lunch and extra for dinner.  good digestion is imperative for good health.  

listening to healing

every day i reprogram.  the trauma and drama was so deeply ingrained.  less and less.  lunch with Toke, Alex, Pete peace filled pleasant.  better to digest.  

living loving

good for a monday.  smooth calm.  15 minutes to put out bins.  i'm trying to understand mom's hate of doing it.  i was never allowed to live in this house.  i could feel resentment my entire life.  she and dad told me repeatedly if not for my existence they would be happy.  such a load of crap to carry and come to terms.  

they taught me what not to be.  i refused to bring children into their orbit.

mmmmm

brown rice, hot dog 2 egg b'fast.  Citibank due drive sv then safeway g-2 looking for unicorn freebie juice found clearance last 2 slivered almonds saved $4.  SV dollar tree 8:41 watching planes Moffett field.  walked store frozen 2 pizza, 2 beef, 2 chicken pot pies, 2 beef bean burritos.  home remembered i wanted lucky's sale eggs found clearance pork chops.  home again.  11 am gym.  tried renewing svl no returned induction cook and movie borrowed 5.  

i haven't done this much driving in one day since 2001 hurt my back.  

done

i looked for safeway free minute maid agua fresca loaded today.  walked entire store with help found nothing.  i finally figured out it's like a unicorn.  

i go where spirit leads waiting estate sale

i picked up Friday free crystal geyser  saw estate sale sign 8 opens 9.  went smart final potatoes $1.49.  on to fat jo walked 48 minutes looked at everything 5 pillow cases $2 ea lace fabric liar claimed hem not $5 still ok tax on all.  then i realized i don't know how much they cost.  looked online bed bath i can get more cases with gift cards minimum $3-$6 ea.  

Pete gave chicken and beans.  i tossed carrot slaw.  

ray is dad.

lazy selfish concerned.  doesn't give only takes.  i'll take my time.  an opportunity for self care.  follow their example only do what benefits them.  i have to find paper work walmart orders put together new order and go online or call.  

i remembered i wanted to do banking today.  some pelvic pain not immobilizing just slow and careful.  9:30 banking done and sitting at chase i found records of January order.  took half hour looking through paperwork in car through all med and car a lot.   i have to remember to change car reg tag.  

better

pelvic pain much worse than back or legs.  immobilizing.  i picked up 'Larkins' Sunnyvale no problem.  pain intensified.  called Cathy to acknowledge card arrived sat.  apologized not holiday.  she rested like me.  they cauterized her hernia now she can't eat anything tasty.  she was catching the bus.  i don't know how she does it.  

supplemental non income meeting went well.  takes 2 months accepted into program best part is irs info on real income definition publication 554.  maybe Cathy will be ok.  

nothing to say

 stomach and pelvis hurt too much.

wow amazing

my life has been constricted constrained by the family's torture.  their web of pain.  the pain in my back, body is healing their abuse.   

time to check on the allergy leaves i cut yesterday i'm drying.  i parceled out the pie into 3 containers for the freezer.  and i have another raw silk house dress to sew.  

i'm watching 'classic concentration' and 'any day now'.  it's keeping my back resting.  i'm just doing a little too much.  hips and legs hurt so bad.  as soon as i start feeling better i do too much. 

gym hot tub 8:30 Lucky's free season packet $.98 hot dog.  home 10 pm new, new, new.  stomach hurting healing.  

sunday morning

watching adopted sierra leone boy's birthday i cried i never had b'day cake i didn't buy.  and i bought cakes for the family how sad.   i never realized they were just cheap.  

i'm feeling pressured.  i want Lucky's my back hurts feel foolish not exercising given the opportunity.  i must overcome the family criticism imbued in the material of this house, i change the energy of wherever i am.  willow glen neighbor commented noticing.  

watched 'any day now' on homeless and loss of stuff.  how people act, react, cope, accept, reject.  

lost settings again.  3 pm i cooked toaster oven 6 lucky's clearance bacon wrapped asparagus spears half hour i wanted them crispy in 6 minute increments.  corn bread.  i bought coconut cream frozen pie, chips, hot dogs for spaghetti, mash and sprouts.  used rewards $10 cost me $2.  free $4.49 eggs.    ```

watching 'any day now'

Lawrence Lucky's had Q tonic and i paid $1 per potato.  i soaked at gym paddled pool with good noodle.  Kelly Wright from seniors in hot tub.  has shoulder pain.  home 9:30 energized.  

i love doing what i want.

fry day freebie

Q ginger ale.  i forgot to pick it up.  seniors was good.  first day eat in only.  went college safe way clearance peach turn overs, sushi and free water.  dollar tree taste test burritos tater tots.  Lucky's clearance burgers for holiday.  

decided banking tomorrow or next week.  Sunnyvale has 'Larkins' to pick up.  tomorrow or sun day.  or laundry i love clean clothes.

doing what i want is amazing.