slept 16 hours to 'ticket to paradise'

after eating so much healthy food i slept totally satisfied.  i only woke long enough for bathroom breaks.  and i feel better.  more like healthy me before the family care taking, drama and betrayal.

doing what i want.  brought in bottled water and canned groceries from the car.  still sad 6 years since eric.  i still feel badly he died too young.  i'm amazed i'm still here.  

added the last of spinach to can chick noodle soup with micro rice.  lunch and dinner.  

watching the fourth season of 'adam 12' stories of human behavior.  amazing infinity.  

listening to healing

do what i want day.  watching 'happy days' from the beginning.  i'm reminded of when chuck biggerstaff lied about loretta dirks and made her cry.  i called him out from the gym and he admitted he exaggerated.  i told him he owed her an apology and he did.  he was no longer a dork at school he became a stand up guy.                                                                                                                                                                                                                    i soaked washed and prepped red potatoes for corned beef.  chopped napa cabbage added in microwave.  so delicious.  i steamed prewashed organic spinach gloria gave me in microwave with garlic powder.  added slices of provolone and swiss cheese to melt.  added spinach to cabbage and corned beef.  later added beaten eggs.  eating as empress.  

90 degrees already

summer.  over night.  new behavior ate entire can of chili and corn.  i'm usually too picky.  i didn't sleep to tv.  i just kept healing music playing when i woke 2 times.  new behavior.  I didn't watch movies.

lucky's i loaded free smart water, bought 2 garbanzos, 2 pork beans and 4 spam lite.  seniors showered leisurely and upstairs charged chrome, listened to healing, played games.  lunch good company, bland food, bingo benches room for all.  toki gave me arare tj's.  gloria brought 2 huge bags prewashed organic spinach from st just.  i gave one to alex telling him to cook in microwave.  i told trudy in gym if she wanted to try bingo i'd go half hour then i had to return combo to library by 2.  she wanted company.  kenny stayed to talk in gym to toki.  she won $5 gift to snack bar she gave to me.  kelly wright showed up too shy to play.  she might play next week.  i had 10 minutes to spare at library.  sale signs on way home hurrah!! rummage at church.  browsed 2 hours $45 for 2 summer dresses, fake book box, folding step ladder chair, folding laundry rack, antenna (iv) stand, spatula, mini cannon, 3 rings, movies.  home i put everything away opened corned beef, chopped napa cabbage, ate it all.  half of toki arare.  dessert entire bag dozen cinnamon dollar tree donuts so good.  

7:53 waiting for dollar tree to open.-lucky fav food-chips

i decided to look for more goli calm.   bbb charged $14 standard online price.  sunnyvale dollar tree may have some too.  

i have sinus headache from allergies.  online 25% have because of global warming i believe from planting where doesn't belong.  not natural.  

dollar tree goli calm i stored in gym locker.  trudy tried it.  kenny and toki deferred.  i'm feeling exhausted end of week.  i rushed planning to swim more after bookmobile.  i confused saturday actual earth day with today.  no bookmobile here seniors at central park for earth/arbor day.  

i'm my own mother.  every heavy person is soothing themselves with food trying to be the mother they needed and never had.  

lunch sat at front table with ed and sydney.  new behaviors for a new life.  it's all just an experiment.

awake 3:30

stomach still upset from lunch raw onions.  

finally finished fresh mozzarella sliced on toast.  never buy again.  so old turned to brie.  

safeway picked up free pitted date and halfway to seniors i could have had stan's donut.  next time.  seniors ok lunch company great.  i went sunny pick up 3 movies.  home hungry ate lunch salad added can tuna.  chips almonds 2 cupcakes.  

i'm more relaxed with change.  mah jonng is helping me stay flexible in game play.

senior center so hot

or maybe it's me.  swam an hour.  worked out all kinks, twinges, pains.  seemed much longer.   

cleaned and adjusted dad's quad walking cane for gerde, doesn't know where she lost hers.  she bought new one $80.  she can keep both for back up.  i want it to go to someone i know.  too many dad memories attached to it.  

lunch carrot broccoli slaw raw onions made me sick.  just when my stomach muscles relaxed.  eating hard candy to settle nausea.  probably why i felt so sick motivated me to go to bed, bath and beyond bankruptcy closing sale to use 2 gift cards took 4 senior center phone calls to get remaining balances.  $63.  2 boxes a reds eye vitamins and $20 plush bath mat, 2 laundry bags.  used 2 coupons.  tomorrow starts discounts.

At home i added cleaner to water softener while cooking dinner fish sticks.

raising lifting vibration

my playing, listening, and using healing music is changing the energy here.  60 years of bummer energy from 4 people.  it's what i've done everywhere i've lived and neighbors always commented complimented.  so all in all i'm raising the planet energy.  ok.  i'm just so tired.  bored?

9 am went costco gas.  already warm.  seniors parking crowded.  showered thoughtfully.  puzzled upstairs.  so relaxed.  i like resting when i want to and the ability to relax.  i so appreciate me.  lunch ok mini wrap.  finished puzzle 2:30 home.  i'm doing what i want still tinged with fear.  

slept unplugged chrome down to 3 percent

regained settings calmly.  i'm being the change i want to see.  i finished cob corn and ricotta spinach ravioli slept hour and half.  

dream of 'rick' and marcia rickman multi million dollar realtors showing their home.

typical night.  movie 'what about bob' playing.  no idea where dream came from.

marathon watching 'adam 12' first season.  practicing rest irequires focus and concentration.  i keep remembering things to do.  i cooked cheese spinach ravioli in toaster and water.  food experiments.  bragg amino boullion delicious.  staying home is easy doing nothing is difficult to do.  practising pampering myself.  

easiest path

people all do what's easiest.  I assess long term benefit and act accordingly.  i loaded free biosteel and bought 

most drinks have caffeine

makes one feel energized.  fake energy and people fall for it.  

i'm not as sad and angry at processing the past.  i empathize with abused neglected disrespected people.  we're treated as if we're unfeeling by callous unfeeling rude boorish people.  

i planned on 10 am bookmobile and spirit took me to seniors at 8:30.  swam, picked up 2 movies dropped off 2.  upstairs i read 'spare' due soon.  rich content.  lunch of hamburger, 1 corn tortilla, dry refried beans, squash, orange.  after toki, alex left hilda gave out extra.  too late most everybody left.  lots wasted.  

upstairs read 'spare' due soon.  decided to pick up new star trek series and adam-12 seasons 1+2.  i'm addicted.  home back to bed read, rested finished book.  decanted red bull cans into plastic bottles.  keeping busy distracting myself.  decompressing gradually.  

whitney houston biopic

they never let her grow up.  then they used emotional blackmail and threats taking credit for her 'gift'.  she never had a life of her own.  she never had a chance.  she was allowed to be herself until visions of money caused her parents into guilting her to be the success they failed at.  so sad.  kids have a biological imperative to please parents for survival.  

children twist themselves into trying to be what their parents want.  children are biologically programmed to need approval for survival.  when they don't get it they become suicidal acting out trying to fix themselves as mistakes by killing themselves off.

sounds harsh but the results speak for themselves.

i'm tired of feeling tired.

i'm a little stiff and sore.  my entire life i've been stiff and stretching every day is the only solution.  my arthritis made me old and thoughtful.  bringing in the bin too late last night caused me a restless night.  i watched a clean copy of 'all passion spent'.  

blog working correctly today.  seniors i swam an hour.  upstairs man at the puzzle table so i read 'spare' due 20.  lunch tiny lasagna garlic spinach delicious.  gave toki milk and pear.  little gloria and alex.  upstairs read more, a woman seated at the puzzle table.  home i felt tired from swimming.  brought in water bottles.  cooked potatoes carrots.  ate seniors alex salad with ramen and chicken so delicious.  paid discover didn't remember the member number.  had to look it up.  i've never been so relaxed.  

cupertino library-bartolo one bin

5 pm i'm feeling tired.  seniors i showered.  The locker room was so humid and damp it took me 10 minutes struggling into my clothes.  i feel like i wrestled a bear.  i remembered the oreo cookies in the trunk and gave some out.  put cupcakes in the trunk and gave one to jeanie.  pete ate his cookies and gave me his lunch.                                                              cupertino went smoothly.  filled water bottles.                                                                      2:30 bartolo had filled and put out one bin.  i brought it in.           

no words

feeling.  almost painful.  maybe everything new is perceived as pain.  like being born.  how do we know to cry?  why is laughing crying natural?   

cooked 7 drumsticks in puck oven 3 in toaster.  puck so tender.  seasoned cinnamon, ginger, tumeric.  ate 4.  baked 4 small carrots, 4 potatoes in puck.  tired cooking cleaning.  harvested shepherds purse.  resting in bed nothing on tv.  watching 'man called otto'  remake of 'ove'.  tom hanks did mr rogers because he's distantly related.  trailer billy crystal movie ''here today'.  funny alzheimers.  

3:30 decided sunny library, county later.  wore pj's and back brace.  so relaxed.  returned combo check in no problem.  i knew they lied about 3 day hold combos computers.  puzzled an hour finished 300 piece.  vicar dibley and hot spot.  water filter down fill bottles tomorrow.

feeling rebellious-MIRACLE 8:16 AM

a luxury.  i wasn't allowed as a child, teen, ever.  all my risk taking explained by 'spare'.  feeling all my feelings.  

8:16 suddenly remembered A's b-day.  i'm no longer traumatized!!  A MIRACLE!!  a lifetime of abuse healed.  tygj.

st j and central 12 movies $9 book sale.  home put away pantry cooked and ate pepperoni pizza bread.  my feet swelled immediately in my tennies.  soaked asparagus.  cooked with cheese.  eating like empress.

figured it out

preverbal wounds are hard to heal.  every disappointment feels like death.  my toddler spirit calls out for love and reassurance and no one answers.  i can be the adult for myself.  i'm practicing taking care of toddler me.  forcing myself to rest.  rewarding myself.  acknowledging me.  

reading 'spare' reminds me i was the spare in my family.  it still hurts.  even a prince has it hard.  explains risky behavior.  life isn't precious when you're treated like nothing, the spare tire in the trunk.  explains why i always need to save the day.  step up step in to take care of everyone.  my purpose in life is not to live for myself, i don't own my own life.  so i had to take care of my dying parents.  what i was born and raised to do.  

desperation.

dollar tree surveyed freezer.  sprouts walk through.  seniors took my time.  luxury.  lunch both glorias, alex, toki. weird meatloaf, mash, gravy, roll, soggy veg, bruised banana.  puzzled upstairs 'til walter came by with minnie hen.  he has 2 chicks.  spares.  dicussed families.  we're all so messed up.  went sprouts more clearance chips and bakery special pumpkin pie $1.99.  dollar tree frozen pizza, butter pecan, 4 fish sticks, 8 vienna sausages, 2 egg rolls, poster clay, relax candy.  most i ever spent $21 plus.   eating like a queen.

feeling peacefilled

something about eddie murphy is so watchable.  'daddy day care'.  ridiculous movie.  and yet watchable.  8 am ready for seniors.  homestead safeway for everything loaf then sprouts everything rye and 4 clearance chips.  waited for cody bookmobile returned 'estate' for whitney houston movie.  swam half hour.  lunch ok only little gloria, alex and me.   very quiet day.  after lunch upstairs to puzzle and charge chrome.  home by 2 to read and rest.  i have a week to read 'spare'.                           i keep smelling smoke.  people burning in fireplaces.  it's cold north wind again.  i'm working at making another cobbler.  steps.  

mom and dad hated being adults

constantly playing not it.  that's why i feel obligated to step in, step up.  like everything is my job.  my responsibility.  the only way to have peace.  me the peacemaker.  better than pacemaker.  

i loaded free safeway donut checked homestead rosemary turkey stick 1 oz $1.99 blah.  i tried.  college had 3 old fashioned i took 2.  driving to seniors ate banana.  i'm so good.  eat good stuff and naughty.  horoscope said play.  behind the times.  

9 am donut break.  i know it makes me stupid, chemically short circuits thinking, impedes functioning yet so good.  sitting in the parking lot watching women waiting on men.  why?  it weakens them. 

doughnut makes it easier to accept.  thought of one for inge, nah.  ate one and half.  showered, stretched and went upstairs to the puzzle table.  charged chrome stretched more.  lunch ok.  good cup of veg soup.  bland chicken, cauliflower, 1 slice bread, peas carrots.  

dinner i cleaned and sliced brussel sprouts added to corned beef.  made instant mashed potatoes delicious with senior butters.  5 pm decided i wanted apricots cobbler.  found last can.  preheated toaster oven 350.  made pancake batter, heated drained apricots.  sprayed pyrex, poured batter, spooned in halves, baked for 45 minutes, delicious i ate 2 pieces.  

home sweet home

i went 7:30 to seniors 60 degrees.  beautiful.  considered groceries looked sunny.  i want cheese, eggs, drink.  i want to get in pool.  diane early too.  hour half relaxed healing playing water park in tub.  lunch good little gloria and diane other tables.  gloria, toki, alex, salome.  good lunch.  beef broccoli, pine bits, brown rice, yellow squash.  still hungry.  

college safeway had what i wanted.  2:30 rested in bed.  4 you bet your life.  cooked asparagus and pasta, 2 eggs, heated can chicken ala king.  peace and quiet.

compassion

cathy is compassion.  she's teaching me a kinder world.  

i have to return maxed out library books.  decided to stop at carlos' reset check engine light discussed gasoline quality.  he recommended chevron or shell.  mission branch open 9 renewed and filled water bottles.  seniors i waited for parking.  lunch good gloria, toki, little gloria, alex.  ron came very late, sat with salome @ late comers table.  a little tired i considered eggs, cheese, drink at safeway tomorrow.

bed 9:20.

one step

feeling all i accomplished, my hips and legs screaming.  i was careful to use correct alignment.  bad exercise is worse than no exercise.  

living, playing for me i feel life is worth living.  i've had to answer to family, not allowed to live my own life of course i hated living.  slavery is not living it's slow dying.  WOW!!

called cathy thanks for card and returning call.  she was having dinner with friends 3 pm hawaii.  i'm too tired.  i'm glad she can.  not something i would consider fun at this time too tired.  lunch at seniors as much as i can handle.  i feel like she's doing it in my place.  so i don't have to.  

cheese puffs

feeling i don't know.  i've eaten a lot.  never too late for a happy childhood.  or tomorrow hoppy Easter childhood.  what else might i want?  

today sat day free day.  went to big lots still no spice.  then st just no pantry central returned and picked up.  county cup returned movies let them know needed cleaning, requested another copy.  home cooked asparagus added to chick veg made lots of garlic toast.  toasting slivered almonds to add to wasabi soy.  

watching 'easy to wed'.  1946 van johnson, esther williams, lucille ball, keenan wynn, ben blue, cecil kellaway, june lockhart etc.  new for me.  

sarah starr happy yoga-bloom

episode for hips on a station i don't get so i looked on library sites.  another quest.  a new quest.  

like edgar cayce said be consistent and persistent.

i want to go to lucky's for freebie and asparagus haven't the energy.  i spent so much of my life being forced, driven and then driving myself.  i ate beans on toast.  so good.  took my vites.

8:30 am wore my sweats and slippers put on back brace.  bought asparagus and $1.99 lb strawberries free 29 oz cheeseballs.  waited 15  for big lots to open checked on seasoning none free colgate teeth strips pass.  

feeling almost ok

i need love.   i'm feeling back to 1972.  i deserve love.  everyone deserves love.  i forgot it's thursday bookmobile.  cody brought my combo so i returned to him

11 am found Pele's Wish looking for sondra ray's i deserve love my first self help book.  wow!  a treasure trove of books and adventures.  i'm rich!

i've never felt this calm.  my fear and anxiety drove me forward.  i feel adrift.  floating on the sea of life.  scary.  without fear and anxiety who am i?

better today

mellow from swimming.  lunch ok.  toki arr late alex and man said they were leaving early and didn't.  she sat next table.  i miss her.  

it's working.  1 pm healing music i just scored leftovers from lunch.  they waited since dance party today and city staff had their fill.  2 extra fish and entire meal.  dinner.  ate chips and almonds for dessert slept like a baby.  freezing cold.  

i've got the slows

i don't feel like doing anything.  i've been tossing, turning so i'm tired.  i hate starting the day feeling tired.  i'm mourning my lost childhood.  i'm depressed.  probably most of my life so i can't really discern.

8:30 on the way to seniors drop off bart$ considered cancelling lunch nah.  freshly inspired by bart's tax clipped on mail box i decide on chase detour.  since i'm on the way i deposit at mission cu.  banking done.  safeway frozen veg, tim chips.  i go home early resting for tomorrow.  consider nob hill $5 nah.  nuked 3rd burger with veg.  cheese toast.  chips.

watching 'young'  1984.  i was never that young.  maybe the attraction popularity.

i love sleeping

all snuggly warm total comfort.  best feeling in the world.  my movies my bedtime stories the parents i never had.  

11 am feeling sad watched 'any day now' replay bobby kennedy murder.  still makes me sad i cry.  i don't feel better that i can tell.  i knew back then the brothers did something to cause the way in which they died was not coincidence.  so not just their deaths but the behavior that caused the result.  so sad all around.  and jackie searching for happiness finding more disrespect and humiliation on the world stage.  i can't tell if it makes me weaker or stronger.  we're never untouched.

i have 3 chrome playing healing.  

4:33 on the way home from big lots free starry no hemp season bought toothbrush.  filled water at gym showered.  

going to bed by 9 helps

since i awake early i want to be in bed early too.  i'm feeling flashback anxiety fear of 8 years bedridden unable to walk sit in chair, ride upright in car.  my back is indescribable.  i couldn't drive, relied on friends for rides to doctors, shopping.  eric came and maintained registration on car.  

rose at 10 trying to live my life.  remembered to write out life insurance.  post took it.  one down.  spot cleaning bathrooms.  i've been so massively depressed.  only coming out of it can i behold the magnitude.  and i expect i'll fall back into it.  everything is cyclical.

1 pm back in bed nothing on tv, back to movies.  'puss in boots: last wish' his 9th life = mortality.  strange topic for kids anime.  

9:30 watching snl i haven't seen 20 years.  thinking of '8 billion angels' and man destroying the planet and the posturing on tv.  everything on tv about consumption and technology is destroying the planet.  chemical murder.  the oceans are becoming more and more acidic, the fisheries are being decimated and the commercials still promote senseless consumption.