living life-tina turner

awake since 3:30 watching movies.  tina turner had nothing; love, security.  watching the interview with velma bullock her mother explains a lot.  makes me cry.  my mom never loved me either.  i'm still crying.  hurts in my first chakra.  ike turner and velma bullock had dead eyes no love, compassion, snake eyes.  thinking of 'little big man's 'snake eyes.'

it was interesting ike named her tina from anna mae bullock.  he stripped her of her identity attempting to remake and control her.  worked for 16 years until through buddism she detached from the abuse fought back and left him.  the seeds of spousal abuse were planted by her parents.  she had to love ike as she loved her parents.  

sunday 6/4 9:30 pm i just realized craig turner killed himself 7/4 2018 year after i lost eric.  tina ran away from ike 7/4.  ronnie turner died cancer 12/ 2022 six months before tina.  it's all so connected.

planning

i'm enjoying the break this week from seniors.  shower then wash or recycle?  i'll just do.  today is let go follow.  i showered at 24 checked $tree i'm relaxing more.  went to mission library forgot it's tue not mon for hours detoured to college safeway buying mood clearance cut bear claws.  shared with seniors.  i'm making bread pudding.

lunch seniors opened late.  ok lunch everyone there.  retrieved my phone and charger.  relaxing, filling water, charging  electronics at main parked under in cool.  perfect day.

i just realized july 2017 i fell on concrete porch in june 13 eric died.  he just turned 61.  one month.  i was in such shock.  i'm coming out of shock finally.  he was my brother 30 years.  he'd beaten cancer 5 years i expected him to beat it again.  

oops and power out 7:30.

i forgot to plug in to charge chrome ran down to 1% lost all settings.  tee hee.  watched 2 yoga discs.  i have 2 sites playing healing.

so i decided on the lawrence gym but the power out too, deliberated on gym 2 in sunny.  fremont may be closer but i want to check on the suit spinner broken so none.  oh well.  it's so lovely quiet.  i'm loving it.  i brought sunny library returns so i may i may not, i'm free.  tattletale complained to front desk about me sitting charging and computing poor janitor had to tell me.  they don't pay her for that.

walked gym 2 safeway bought unsalted chips.  i can sit starbucks charging 24 hour there.  

I dropped off movies at biblioteca and decided i wanted home for lunch at noon.  beans, vienna sausages, 3 pieces toast.  

5 pm toki brought me very expensive sushi.  too slow to door i called from alt phone to thank her no machine.  she called me back not recognizing number i explained i left primary phone at seniors.  she didn't have hour and half power out.

A beautiful overcast cool day.

checked cup safeway bought mango passion smart water tastes terrible.  3 plain doughnuts delicious.  excellent parking cup library 10 am sunday.  i'll make it my cup day.  i was so sick and inflamed i sought out air conditioning at vallco covered parking because before back brace i had to return to car to de stress back.  i don't know sunny was closer.  maybe the quiet.  picked up holds and 5 more movies in new arrivals.  home 10:45 cool.

awake since 12:30

i'm feeling excited on the cusp of something.  i want to pick some flowers for toki memorial day with relatives.  i have so many sad memories in this house.  mom always complained about the yard.  and yet they insisted on looking 'normal.'  i ate second half spinach omelet for b'fast, sorted weeky supplements.  

delivered flowers. she said bucketful more than enough.  i figured out easy way using one bin as a table second bin for trimming, bucket ready with water.  she's delivered so much goodness to me raising my spirits and giving me hope.  priceless.  it's so nice to be appreciated.

inspired i walked homestead safeway looking for mango passion smart water none.  the cucumber lime only ok.  maybe with lemon.  i'll try sunny stores.

decided dollar tree.  frozen peas carrots, blueberries, beef patties, 4 types baked beans for taste test.  home by 10.  

i guess i'm like most abused people preferring quiet and peace.  i don't envy those with families.  

5:21 pm i forgot phone #1 at seniors plugged in upstairs.  oh well.  not the first time.  i'm not freaking out just concerned.  

new bookmobile hour yesterday/ dolly movie 'seriously red'

one 10-11.  arr seniors 7:17 computed in locker room waiting for pools to open at 8.  swam an hour and started new 1000 piece fish puzzle mallory left on  table.  she said to slow me down.  why i don't know.  center is closed next week.  

about being who i am.  deciding who i'm becoming.  we're all the star in our lives.  

restless

 

5/23/23

 i used to always feel slightly off, not quite right, together.  today i feel calm composed.

better than ever before

i ate lots of protein, hamburger,  cottage cheese.  eggs for b'fast.  i'm feeling stronger more resilient.  i ate cucumber too.  i like cucumber juice.  i wonder why it's not more abundant.  refreshing.  maybe a short shelf life.  

hot spot at sunny!!  picked up and book of pizza ideas.  safeway looked for clearance bread parmesan herb cornbread.  2 loaves everything discounted for me account $1.47 ea so good ate 4 slices w/butter.  never had fresh b4.  

my outside is stiff sore my inside the happiest in my life so far.

tomorrow swim and woden maybe wash.  a plan.  

i'm planning ahead

after deliberating i filled gas costco.  next week holiday prices up.

seniors closed 29-2 so i'll come to lucky's gym.  today is practice.  if i come earlier i can stationary bike and compute.  charging may be trickier.  i just noticed black on black outlet.  

yesterday i binged adam 12.  so many human stories.  each raises more questions than answers.

i walked big lots.  lots of amino drinks.  lucky's clearance lb of hamburger and cesar salad $8.  my favorite hamburger salad.  cooked using microwave.  two helpings.

awesome

 

wheel first

 already swam over an hour, 

doing better this year

compared to last year.  i pondered going to sunny i'll wait for spot maybe.

6:48 too late

bart left v mail asking what to do like we hadn't talked about it 3 times already.  

i swam an hour total in all 3 pools.  washed my hair with castor shampoo.  and upstairs i want to do 'mandalorian' puzzle from sunny library.  so i am.  i'm considering cup library.  i have 'til 18 to pick up holds.

still no hot spot reminds me of mom keeping me incommunicado on threat of death.  

yesterday no blogging no internet when usually if open i can blog.  i don't know.  tv was spotty reception too.  and today it works.  i went to cup library picked up 'vicar of dibley' 80 degrees.  everyone said hotter today but not.  

i'm feeling happier.

typical overcast no bart for annual clean up

 

best mom day

 doing what i want i baked chicken.  half i added bok choy.  bingeing doc martin and relaxing. 

mom's 22 death birthday everything in bloom just like when she died

well tonight.  I did wash 9:30 at lawrence lucky's like when i was so sick and alien broke the washing machine, oven etc.  so many horrible memories of pain humiliation disrespect.  2 load machine $3.75.  more like one.  filled one pillow case.  trunk empty.

11:30 sitting upstairs at central parked under the library with pantry groceries.  and i'm calm.  talked to chris, saw sidney.  wow no pressure.  diamonds are made by pressure but i'm a squishy human not just carbon.  listening to healing while blogging.  copy of doc m 9 listed available in catalog but not on shelf.  i asked to check in back hurray!  she found it.  At home i put away groceries and hung wash.  i'm amazing.  

i ate pineapple cake and slept 4-6.  i watched 'galaxy quest' 3 times during the day 3 different stations.  heaven.

sjmn

today's  copy on table.   played bingo after lunch and won a $2.50 certificate left 1:30 after half an hour.  right on schedule.  

my happy childhood

i'm doing what i want.  i paid utilities, swam, ate lunch, visited with gerde, got extra sprouts yam, finished puzzle, home resting.  as a child totally unaware i suppose my body may have been healthier but i wasn't happy.  

i just realized 2 days 'til mom's death-a-versary and i'm ok.  i think.

child 10 wo

loaded free strawberry banana protein drink shelf stable 'til opened.  checked 

so weird table empty alex, toki, diane and eddie.  one day table full next day empty.  so weird.  no rhyme or reason.  i'm finishing puzzle.  

i'm taking my supplements.  feeling pretty good.  when i'm not in screaming pain.  

and tonight jeopardy masters AND celebrity wheel ken jennings.  

bartolo did yard, set green bin in yard.  this weekend yearly clean up set out.  

child tu 9

safeway free roar drink.  i noticed display at homestead i needed bread.  decided to check college and changed location account had free.  and i remembered i needed fish oil and safeway listed as available location.  it worked and 2/1 sale.  score!!  

lunch, gloria had friend from before covid and her friend.  little gloria sat with us alex sat next table.  

internet withdrawals?

my first day without a hotspot.  i'm using senior center wi-fi.  so far ok.  i'm motivated to move.  On weekends i'd have to go out.  no staying home.  closest 24 hour gym.  

my body is so itchy.  i'm itching to heal.  lunch pleasant toki, alex so relaxing kimo's girl volunteer.  predictable.  makes a point of disrespecting me like my sister aiko, stand-in.  reminds me of a cat.  she makes a 'look at me move' then ignores me.  like a loveable cat.

after lunch puzzled 'til 2:30.  home watched 'vamps' on tv.  relaxed, cooked potatoes, heated carnitas, chopped napa cabbage.  boxed milk still good with chips ahoy reeses pieces cookies.

galaxy quest 5, jeopardy wheel 7-8, jeopardy masters 8-9.  heaven.  

forgot to enter the wheel of fortune.  stress free!

one minute at a time

addicts are in constant emotional pain.  my physical back pain started as the emotional wounding from birth when i failed to be a boy.  nothing i could do could change me being a girl.  i was cursed at birth.  babies know.  love is an energy.  without that energy it's a nutrient lacking that we need to be happy.  celebrities thrive on that energy.  we all need love energy to thrive but we can survive on hate, jealousy, shame, etc.  

tried for a returned hot spot, already reserved.  i'm feeling quite relaxed.  cupertino a breeze.  i am a little hungry 3:30.  

72 at 1972

back at the beginning again.  revisiting the past.  now i know how to deal with the symptoms.  white willow for pain.  grapefruit for acid stomach.  comedy for depression.  

i ate the fish and rice for b'fast.  cooked potato for au jus with vegs and corn.

watching charles' coronation.  what an incredible waste of resources.  just because it's how it's always been done doesn't make it good or right.  ridiculous british speech impediments.  like a peter cook parody.

next kentucky derby.  

oops!  let chrome run down turned itself off.  resetting pages amazingly easy.

back on lemon drops

I woke up at 2:30 in pain and felt sick.  put me back to sleep without white willow tincture.  awake again potty break.  loaded lucky's freebie hawaiian chips.  

seniors i played bingo 'til 2:30 with diane and gloria.  at least 20 people.  

pool and bookmobile on STAR WARS DAY

everything hurts.   my stomach feels sick.  i know it's my back.  1972 again.  an hour in the pool i feel good.  

roger rabbit cartoon and live action movie 1988

 i looked up the original 1981 book online.  very different.  

i'm still here

omg.  baked beans and cooked beef.  so good.  i can't believe how delicious it is.  i decided my cinco de mayo is pork and beans and carnitas.  

got olive parmesan foccacio safeway clearance $2.15 homestead.  nothing at college.  then at seniors i couldn't find my i d.  25 minutes looking through the car.  finally found it under the seat.  in the locker room talked with caretaker whose mother passed february and now her ex boss needs her help.  she's on the edge.  maybe she can hire someone else.  if i hadn't been late i would have missed her.  swam 'til 10:45 then dressed.

lunch was ok.  kimo's girlfriend was serving so very late.  she's so weird.  has to be to be kimo's girlfriend.  

feeling relaxed for the first time in my life may day mom's b'day

no family to ruin my life.  sad but true.  halfway to seniors i remembered carnitas sale @ nob hill turned around.  clearance baked beans 10 at $1 ea.  returned home.  i paid bartolo and in the seniors parking lot i sat in the car writing out bills to post after lunch.  showered and relaxed luxuriously.  visited with inge.  lunch ok toki, diane, alex.  insisted toki take alex's asian coleslaw home her favorite.  i digested waiting for inspiration about what to do.  mailed life insurance went to Chase then home to rest.  

cooked red potatoes with second half corned beef sliced napa 4 eggs.  half dinner half b'fast.