Painful terrible childhood can be better

I''''ve endured sooo much pain and humiliation I wonder if I can embrace and transmute the damage.             

Breathing and sighing helps.  Deep breaths and letting go gently.  

Checked Daily Word, Understanding.   Another word for purpose.  The reason behind the cruelty.  

It has to stop.  

The story of the Garden of Eden is just a story told in archaic terms to archaic people limited in understanding by their environment and experience.  Can I transcend my environment and experience??

Reading opens me to new worlds and different ways.

I've experienced many miracles, coincidences?  Too many and too perfect to be coincidence.

Maybe I can't, but God can.

Down with A's antenna

Saturday no tv reception so I called Joe C.  After talking to Beto and Joe and two antenna companies I decided to scrap the old and wait to start anew.  

As far as I know digital can be placed indoors so maybe I'll try one advertised on tv or check what they have at Fry's.  

All the fear, depression, hopelessness, feeling of being trapped and waiting for death came back this last week.  My childhood was a never-ending bad movie.  Books took me away from my imprisonment.  And now #1 Ladies Detective Agency.  The dvd and books.  A child who was truly loved and cherished becomes a woman able to live her self evolved life the way she chooses.  Not always the way she imagines, not easy or uncomplicated but manageable.  

Like Best Marigold Hotel, if it isn't alright it isn't the end.  Everything comes out alright in the end. 

Truly Horrible Normal Parents

I've been remembering the past and laying it to rest.  

When I was 16 and had to study for a test.   So I made dad his hot chocolate and buttered toast and had to study instead of watching tv with him and in revenge he put my 20 gal fish tank outside on the patio in the middle of December.  He punished me and my innocent fish for leaving him to eat on his own when I had to study.  

He'd rather I fail my test and in life than he be inconvenienced.  What kind of father is that?

And when he drove mom to suicide.  Well he and his dad.  She was always so afraid something would happen to dad or he'd kill himself like his father.  Because his parents were horrible does not excuse his horrible behavior and mom's condoning everything he did.

I wonder if she ever loved any of us.  She was so boy crazy and projected that on A.  Something in me was aware of projection without having a name for it.  Dad never saw us as people.  Did he even know what feelings were?  To have them and not know what they were.

What is a humane being and how do I find them?

Do they even exist?

62 yr old happy child

Friday Sydney took me to lunch and Sunday Tomas took me to Ron's w/Richard.  I'm getting better at tolerating the droning.

It's amazing to me how talking endlessly and pointlessly about the past is considered entertaining.  I could understand it if something were to be gained by it.  If the experience were to used in a constructive or positive way.  Maybe I'm missing the point.  Maybe there's a point I'm not seeing.

So I've been happily doing and being what, when and how I want.  Keeping God foremost I know my ego is subject to God.

Last four days of pain7*16*13-Tue

Sunday I started having flashbacks to my depressed childhood.  Children have no concept of death only the absence of suffering.  I curled up and rode out the emotional pain I've blocked out for so long.  The mind can only take a finite amount and then just shuts down.  The experiences all get stored in the muscles and tissues.  So I'm riding wave after wave of pain.

My life was torture.  A made my life hell.  She took out everything mom did to her out on me.  Her life was much better.  She had family to comfort her and celebrate her.  Aunts, uncles, cousins.  I've spent the majority of my life feeling sorry for her and making excuses for her when she had it soooo much better than me.

And m had the best of the family.  Well, I'm finally having a happy childhood.  People who care for me and about me.

7*14*13-Pandora's box of memories

Had flashback of childhood humiliation.  Feelings of depression and futility.  Had my first flash of fear.  Kids have no concept of death only wanting the feelings to stop.  I've spent most of my life depressed. 

The transition from anger didn't happen.  I was depressed when I had no joy.

My earliest memories started when I had no vocabulary.  My depression just was.  My in utero experience was one of stress and frustration.  

My smoking started before I was born.  Dad smoked and mom lit them.  How frustrating to have her complain about his smoking and have her buy them and light them for him.  My insane family and their insane behavior.  And when questioned, mom said it was cheaper to buy cartons than by the pack.  Maybe he smoked more then, too.  She made him lazy by doing too much for him.

She increased his insanity by making excuses for his behavior.  And putting her seal of approval on it even when she knew he was wrong.  What's wrong with her??

Fleeting memories-so much pain

I haven't many conscious memories from my childhood.  Under hypnosis I could recall my childhood in excruciating detail.  Mom beating A and me too little to help anyone. 

Why violence makes me so angry.  And why I always made allowances for A.  And why I never told on her for fear mom would kill her. 

It's amazing how much pain a little body can hold without withering and drying up.  Dying.  No wonder I never liked being alive. 

Noticed how the default color is lighter than black.

Gaining clarity-yardwork

The Buddhist Chop Wood, Carry h2o


Woke 6:14am feeling anxious, took pflower.  Do something and the chemicals change. 

H2o'd plants and started weeding.  Remembered laundry needing fluff and fold.  Did that too.  8am was getting warm so closed up house.  Intrusive thoughts of mom saying if I'm so smart why aren't I rich and my reply money is not the most important thing to me and I realized m&d wouldn't let Aunty Katchan adopt me because they were jealous she had $$$$$ and she wanted me.  Money's always been the most important thing to the four of them.  So important, she couldn't see that allowing Katchan to adopt me would have given her carte blanche.  I asked her why she didn't give me up, and she made some lame excuse about dad not working and money being tight.  How lame is that.

So the scapegoating started.  I became everything bad and wrong in their lives.  Mom tortured me through A to distance herself.  She was still the root.  And that's why dad never did anything to help.  Sickos blamed me.

Decided to blog.  8am taco bell open so used coupon steak +egg burrito free with bev.  Got coffee, $1.19.  Showered off pollen, nu-stepped, stretched, blogged.

YES!!!

Finally figured out susan1 = child,  susan2=adult,  aspergersnext=resolution, Happiest=future.
That's why I have four blogs.

Miracles

The most obvious when God saved my life twice by avoiding head on collisions.  Once newark train trestle X driving and coast highway with nancy and rod me driving. 

Then living in Gilroy doing the Course in a year cuz it was so simple.  And now every day is a miracle.

SomeOne Loves Me-Smoke Again

Boston Marathon Bombings Monday Apr 15 and I was already medicated.  I started smoking again when Walgreen's had Bugler tobacco for $1.32.  It helped me thru cleanup and then on the news I saw the reports.  I was nu-stepping.  Too much violence. 

Then I watch Obama reply to the defeat of the latest gun control law.  I know how he feels.  Anger and depression, sadness that people put money ahead of people.  Their families must be low on their list of priorities. 

I wonder if their families get depressed being related to such money grubbing selfish animals.  No, even animals have higher morals.

So, yesterday I worked in yard for 2 1/2 hrs.  Feels better to get rid of chemicals.

I'm so much better.  My back is still unstable and I still wear the brace.  TYG

3/26/12-Almost One Year Ago Smoke and Quit Again

Smoked about a year.  And quit again.  Tomas has been wonderful helping around the yard. 

Two weeks ago Walgreens had nic-lozenges on sale.  So when I ran out of smokes I used the lozenges.  Didn't really think about it.  Been feeling too much to think.

Feeling panic, fear, doom.  The family heritage. 

Great dream vision of comedies fraught with crises.  I don't want comedy I want a new form of life.

PEACE   AND   PLENTY!!!