PLAYING WITH I-PAD/NO LOCKER ROOM THIS WEEK

CHRISTMAS WEEK

I PICKED UP THE I-PAD MONDAY AFTER BEING CALLED SUNDAY TO PICK UP BY TUES.  SHORT NOTICE.  SO I PLAYED WITH IT YESTERDAY A.M. AND IT SOMEHOW CONNECTED ITSELF TO THE INTERNET.  I DIDN'T KNOW IT DID THAT AUTOMATICALLY UNTIL I GOOGLED THE HOW TO CONNECT.  

I BOUGHT MYSELF A PIZZA AFTER T SHOWED UP WITH MY XMAS HEATER AND LEFT FEELING SORRY FOR HIMSELF.  MOTHER ABANDONMENT ISSUES.  STEVE AND STAR WERE DUE IN AT 7PM.  AND DELLA WANTED TO GO TO THE AIRPORT WITH T AND HE RESENTS IT.  AS USUAL.  

I WAS FEELING ANXIOUS MONDAY TO THE CHANGE IN ROUTINE.

SO I'M ADJUSTING TO NO LOCKER ROOM, NO SHOWERS THIS WEEK AT THE SENIOR CENTER.  I CONSIDERED A MONTH AT A WILLOW GLEN CLUB, FITNESS EVOLUTION, FOR $10 BUT IT'S SO FAR AWAY EVEN THOUGH IT HAS A MACHINE MASSAGE TABLE.  MAYBE LATER.  I'M BEING GENTLE WITH MYSELF, NOT FORCING MYSELF TO DO TOO MUCH, TAKE ON TOO MUCH.  

                       I'M PROUD OF MYSELF.

I GOOGLED AUNTY'S ADDRESS IN HAWAII YESTERDAY AND SAW HER LITTLER HOUSE AND A WHITE COMPACT CAR.  I HOPE SHE GETS SOME PLANTS.

SO MUCH FREE STUFF

FOR MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR I STARTED WITH MY FREE DENNY'S GRAND SLAM.  TOMAS CALLED INVITING ME FOR LATE LUNCH. 


I CONSIDERED ANOTHER GRAND SLAM OR THE FREE ROUND TABLE INDIVIDUAL PIZZA BUT I WAS TOO MELLOW. 


AND THIS MONDAY THE 14TH AUNTY AND UNCLE SENT ME $$50 MAKING ME REALIZE ALL THE YEARS I NEVER GOT A BIRTHDAY PRESENT BECAUSE MY BIRTHDAY IS IN DECEMBER AND I'D GET A "COMBINED" PRESENT.  SOO MUCH BS. 


THE YEAR I MOVED HOME TO TAKE CARE OF THE PARENTS THEY BOUGHT MIT AND AIL STERLING SILVER AND AQUAMARINE BRACELETS AND I GOT A GOLD TONE MULTICOLORED GLASS BRACELET.  I ASKED FOR ONE OF THE STERLING WITH MY BIRTHSTONE AND WAS REFUSED.  TYPICAL.


I LATER FOUND ONE AT THE UNITY WHITE ELEPHANT SALE FOR $5.  EVERYTHING THAT IS MINE COMES TO ME.


AND CHILI'S HAS GIVEN ME 3 FREE MEALS.

THANKSGIVING ANEW

TOMAS HAD TO WORK AT CVS.  AT 7PM UNTIL HE VOLUNTEERED TO WORK 2 EXTRA HOURS TO COVER FOR SOMEONE.  SO I WENT TO TD'S AT 1 AND WAS HOME BY 4:30!!

MIRACLE!

I RESTED, RUMINATED AND WATCHED MY PROGRAMS UNTIL MIT CALLED AT 7:36.  I CHOSE NOT TO ENGAGE.  I HAD ENOUGH.

WHEN I LIVED IN GILROY SHE CALLED ME ONE TIME AT 7PM FOR DINNER IMMEDIATELY.  I HAD EATEN AT 5.

AFTER I HURT MY BACK TAKING CARE OF OUR PARENTS THE ONLY TIME SHE INVITED ME TO DINNER IN GILROY, SHE INVITED ME THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING AND EXPECTED ME TO KILL MYSELF TRYING TO GET THERE WHILE TELLING ME NEIL WAS PICKING UP HIS OTHER AUNT IN SANTA CLARA AND COULDN'T PICK ME UP.  I COULDN'T DRIVE AT THAT TIME.

SHE TOLD ME TO FIND A RIDE!!

TWO INVITATIONS IN THE COURSE OF MY LIFE.  THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME.

I GOT ONE PUMPKIN PIE FROM SOPHIA AND ONE FROM LLOSA.  I SHARED WITH MY SR-CTR FAMILY.

INSIDE OUT-SCARY CARTOON DVD@FEELINGS

DEALING WITH THE FEELING.  I'M FEELING VERY ANGRY!!

I'M MOURNING MY SAD LOST CHILDHOOD SPENT IN FEAR AND SADNESS.

I DON'T KNOW JOY AND HAPPINESS.  I KNOW CONTENTMENT AS THE ABSENCE OF PAIN, NO PROBLEMS TO SOLVE.

HOW SAD IS THIS.?

                   HAPPINESS IS NEW AND SCARY

                                                RUN AWAY!!!!

OVER MY COLD-AND CONFUSION OVER MEDICARE

LAST TUESDAY I STARTED FEELING TIRED AND SCRATCHY.  IT RAINED LAST MONDAY AND YESTERDAY.

IT'S BEEN FIERCELY COLD.  40'S MOST NIGHTS.

I ACTUALLY HAVE FELT THE COLD, NOT JUST HAVING ONE.  I DON'T REMEMBER FEELING SO COLD.  NOT SINCE I WAS 21 AND FELL THE FIRST TIME.

TODAY I'M BETTER.

I'M TURNING 65 AND HAVE TO SIGN UP OR FACE PENALTIES.  THEY ALLOW YOU TO NOT SIGN UP AND WARN OF PENALTIES.

TYPICAL PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY BS.

WED.1-13-2016 UPDATE STILL CONFUSED.  CAREMORE SENT ME A PACKET TO READ.

A NEW CHILD

I FOUND HELEN TO LEARN NEW BEHAVIORS.  SOME HOW SHE HAS THE BENE GESSERIT VOICE LIKE IN DUNE, FRANK HERBERT.


SHE SEEMS WARM, CAPABLE, AND AGING GRACEFULLY.  A MENTOR.


MY LIFE IS......BALANCED.

the very hungry caterpillar

the transition from caterpillar to butterfly is painful, confusing, not to be entered into lightly

this month so far has been filled with pain traveling to different parts and fluctuating.

dad's 16th deathiversary has been difficult and I've managed to stay balanced.


the weight gain is all part of the new me.  I've never been other than a skinny popo until now.  right here and now I love the new me.


at some point I hope to love my life.

NEW PERCEPTIONS OF ABUSE

I SPENT MY CHILDHOOD IN ISOLATION AND NEVER KNEW HOW STUPID AND MEAN PEOPLE COULD BE.

MY FAMILY WAS NORMALLY STUPID AND MEAN FOR THE TEN PERCENT THAT CAUSES TROUBLE.

I CAN AVOID THEM.  THEY'RE DEAD AND ALL THE MEAN SPIRITED ONES ARE DEAD TO ME TOO!!!!!

V VILLAGE BBQ SAT 7/18/15

PERFECT DAY OF BEING.

I''M FEELING VERY SATISFIED.  

LOVELY WEEKEND. I WENT TO COSTCO GAS, FRESH AND EASY, HOME TO REST AND PUT AWAY VEGS.  I THEN WENT TO SRS, EXERCISED.  10 am PARKED AT VALLEY VILLAGE AND SORTED CARRY BAG.  WALKED AROUND EXHIBITS AND FINALLY GOT QUOTE OF $104.90 FOR MEDICARE IF I PAY MYSELF, NOT THROUGH SOC. SEC.  

SITTING ON BENCH IN SHADE, LISTENING TO THE LIVE BAND ELLA MAE CAME BY WITH HER PLATE.  I INVITED HER TO SIT AND WE TALKED A BIT AND I WENT TO GET MY FOOD.  I HAD WONDERED HOW TO SAVE MY SEAT AND GOD SENT HER.  

SO WE ATE A GREAT LUNCH OF BAKED BEANS/BACON, POLISH SAUSAGE, GREEN SALAD, POTATO SALAD, CHIPS AND I ATE EVERY BIT.  WE LISTENED TO MUSIC AND SAW CAROL WHO DIDN'T WANT TO SIT WITH US.  

A LOT OF THE SR CTR LADIES WERE THERE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE.

I GOT SOME BAKED BEANS AND SAUSAGE IN A CUP TO TAKE HOME.

GROUNDHOG DAY- I WOULDN'T MIND IF EVERY DAY COULD BE AS STRESS FREE.

OVERCOMING ASPERGERS

SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN MIND-JULY/AUGUST 2015

THE ELASTIC DECLARATIVE MEMORY CAN COMPENSATE FOR ADHD, AUTISM, SPECIFIC LANGUAGE IMPAIRMENT.

WHY EVEN THOUGH I SUFFERED OTHERNESS AS A CHILD THE COPING BEHAVIORS I LEARNED SERVE TO KEEP MY MIND AGILE AND ABLE TO ADAPT AND ADJUST.

ALSO THE ATTENTION DEFICIT PROTECTED ME FROM ABSORBING THE NEGATIVE BEHAVIORS OF MY PARENTS AND OTHER NEG ADULTS AROUND ME.  

BEING FORCED BY ABUSE TO CONTAIN MY HYPERACTIVITY TAUGHT ME INTERNAL CONTROL.


                             THANK YOU GOD/JESUS               
                      

THE MYSTERY OF REPEATING LIVES

IT'S JUST SOOO EASY.  MOST PEOPLE REPEAT WHAT THEY'VE SEEN BEFORE.

THEY ARE COMFORTED BY KNOWING THE END OF THE STORY, BELIEVING IT MAKES THEM   APPEAR  SMARTER.

HOW CLEVER TO KNOW THE ENDING AND SO THEY REPEAT SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE.  OR A PAST LIFE.  OR THEIR PARENTS' LIFE.

AFRAID TO LIVE AN UNKNOWN LIFE WITH AN UNKNOWN ENDING.  

WHICH IS WHY NIXON WAS PRESIDENT TWICE.  THE KNOWN CROOK VERSUS THE UNKNOWN POSSIBLY HONEST MAN.

FEEELING LIKE A KID AGAIN-POOL SHOES

NOT DOING WHAT I DID BEFORE.

I'M FREE FOR THE FIRST TIME CATCHING GREEN LIGHTS, FINDING COINS, ASKING AND RECIEVING WITHOUT THE ANXIETY OF FEELING IT'S TOO GOOD.

GOOD IS UNLIMITED.  KRISTEN WIIG MOVIE-WELCOME TO ME.  WINS 86 MILLION ON LOTTO AND GOES OFF MEDS BELIEVING SHE DOESN'T NEED THEM ANYMORE.  AND SHE CRASHES AND RISES FROM THE ASHES.

THE FIRST PAIR I FOUND NEW AT SAVERS $4 ON SENIORS 20% OFF, MY SIZE 7.  THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE BECAUSE NOW THEY WANT $8.

THE SECOND PAIR I FOUND AT ST JUSTINS FOR $1.50 SIZE 8, NEW, SLIPPER PRICE AND HALF OFF.

I WANTED MORE POOL SHOES SO I'VE BEEN CHECKING THE WALGREENS,AND SAVERS, AND ST JUSTINS. I WENT TO SRS TO GOOF AROUND, EXECISE AND PUZZLE, AND FOUND THE AD FOR BIG 5.  COULDN'T LOCATE EXACT LOCATION ONLINE SO CALLED T.  HE SAID HE'S COMING OVER TOMORROW.  HE THOUGHT TODAY WAS FRIDAY AND WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE CJ ON SUNDAY FORGETTING HE TOLD ME SUNDAY.  SO I INVITED MYSELF TO CJ AT MOTEL 6 IN SUNNYVALE ON MATHILDA.  WITH WHAT'S HIS NAME.  RICHARD. 

YAY!!!  PARTY.  T SAYS NO BUT I SAY YES.

AND I BOUGHT THREE PAIR $10 EA IN MY SIZE 7, BLACK SOLES.  PURPLE/BLK, PINK/BLK, BLK/BLK.

CHILDHOOD ISN'T FOR SISSIES

THEY SAY OLD AGE ISN'T FOR SISSIES BUT NEITHER IS CHILDHOOD.  

I'VE TAKEN TO WRITING IN CAPS TO AVOID SHIFTING.  THIS IS AUTOWRITE.  ALL WRITE.

AWESOME!!!

I LOVE THE PINK / GREEN BACKGROUND.  MY PROMISE OF A GIFTED LIFE.  

WHILE DOING THE COURSE IN MIRACLE IN GILROY 1985 I LUCID DREAMED I WALKED DOWN THE HALLWAY AT 2281 NOBILI, MY FAMILY HOME, AND ENTERED THE BATHROOM TO FIND CARPET WHERE THE BATHTUB SHOULD BE AND A STACK OF GIFTS WRAPPED IN WHITE PAPER / GREEN AND PINK RIBBONS.  I KNEW ALL THESE PRESENTS WERE MINE.

THAT'S WHERE THE MOM-ABUSER DIED, IN THE BATHTUB.

MADE ME FEEL A LITTLE WEIRD.  I'VE ALL WAYS FELT LIKE A TRESSPASSER IN THE HOUSE THAT WAS NEVER MY HOME.  IN ALL WAYS.  I FELT ABUSED.  I THOUGHT I WAS CINDERELLA AND THESE PEOPLE WERE MY EMPLOYERS.  

I ASKED MY MOM ONE TIME WHY SHE ALLWAYS ASKED ME TO DO EVERYTHING AND SHE SAID BECAUSE I NEVER COMPLAINED, LIKE ANYONE WOULD HAVE NOTICED.  OR CARED.

I WAS PUNISHED FOR EVERYONE ELSE'S SCREWUPS!!  I WOULD HAVE BEEN PUNISHED FOR COMPLAINING. 

MY CHILDHOOD MADE ME PARANOID.  ALL MISTAKES BECAME MY FAULT AND ALL MY SUCCESSES WERE CONSIDERED LUCK.  OF COURSE I HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER.  IT'S ONLY A DISORDER BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL DEAD TO ME.  MY WARNING SYSTEM AVOIDS ANY AND ALL SIMILAR TYPES.  

EXPLAINS MY DISCOMFORT WITH SUCCESS.  THE UPSIDE IS I DON'T NEED APPROVAL OTHER THAN MY OWN.

THE ABUSERS AROUND MY LIFE ARE MINOR BY COMPARISON.  AND I AM NOT BIOLOGICALLY RELATED TO ANY OF THEM.



I'M STILL IN THE HOUSE LEARNING TO FEEL AT HOME.

LUCK=RIGHT THINKING and HARD WORK

I was never given credit for my accomplishments.  No cash either.


I was called lucky by my family. 


When I got to college I learned the name of my way of life was called Critical Path Management.  MY FAMILY WAS ALWAYS IN SOME CRISIS.  A PACK OF DRAMA ROYALTY.


I taught myself to look at the big picture to optimize success.  AND REDUCE STRESS.


Rather than analyze my method my family chose to call it luck.  Over and over again. They labeled me lucky and I was the luckiest kid ever; not realizing how much time and effort my luck required. 

I'd gotten used to doing it automatically.  Until it became my second nature.

I WAS A VERY UNUSUAL CHILD.