CHILDHOOD ISN'T FOR SISSIES

THEY SAY OLD AGE ISN'T FOR SISSIES BUT NEITHER IS CHILDHOOD.  

I'VE TAKEN TO WRITING IN CAPS TO AVOID SHIFTING.  THIS IS AUTOWRITE.  ALL WRITE.

AWESOME!!!

I LOVE THE PINK / GREEN BACKGROUND.  MY PROMISE OF A GIFTED LIFE.  

WHILE DOING THE COURSE IN MIRACLE IN GILROY 1985 I LUCID DREAMED I WALKED DOWN THE HALLWAY AT 2281 NOBILI, MY FAMILY HOME, AND ENTERED THE BATHROOM TO FIND CARPET WHERE THE BATHTUB SHOULD BE AND A STACK OF GIFTS WRAPPED IN WHITE PAPER / GREEN AND PINK RIBBONS.  I KNEW ALL THESE PRESENTS WERE MINE.

THAT'S WHERE THE MOM-ABUSER DIED, IN THE BATHTUB.

MADE ME FEEL A LITTLE WEIRD.  I'VE ALL WAYS FELT LIKE A TRESSPASSER IN THE HOUSE THAT WAS NEVER MY HOME.  IN ALL WAYS.  I FELT ABUSED.  I THOUGHT I WAS CINDERELLA AND THESE PEOPLE WERE MY EMPLOYERS.  

I ASKED MY MOM ONE TIME WHY SHE ALLWAYS ASKED ME TO DO EVERYTHING AND SHE SAID BECAUSE I NEVER COMPLAINED, LIKE ANYONE WOULD HAVE NOTICED.  OR CARED.

I WAS PUNISHED FOR EVERYONE ELSE'S SCREWUPS!!  I WOULD HAVE BEEN PUNISHED FOR COMPLAINING. 

MY CHILDHOOD MADE ME PARANOID.  ALL MISTAKES BECAME MY FAULT AND ALL MY SUCCESSES WERE CONSIDERED LUCK.  OF COURSE I HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER.  IT'S ONLY A DISORDER BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL DEAD TO ME.  MY WARNING SYSTEM AVOIDS ANY AND ALL SIMILAR TYPES.  

EXPLAINS MY DISCOMFORT WITH SUCCESS.  THE UPSIDE IS I DON'T NEED APPROVAL OTHER THAN MY OWN.

THE ABUSERS AROUND MY LIFE ARE MINOR BY COMPARISON.  AND I AM NOT BIOLOGICALLY RELATED TO ANY OF THEM.



I'M STILL IN THE HOUSE LEARNING TO FEEL AT HOME.