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LAST NIGHT I TRIED TO REQUEST THOR;RAGNAROK AND LIBRARY PROBLEM WOULDN'T LET ME.  I FORGOT UNTIL I TRIED TO ACCESS WHEEL AT SRS.  WHEEL HAD A PROBLEM LAST NIGHT.  THE DESK CONFIRMED MY ADDRESS AND PHONE

SO AT 1:17 I CAME TO THE MLIB TO SUBMIT WHEEL BONUS B4 2PM AND I RUN INTO A WHO HAS THE NERVE TO ASK HOW ARE YOU IN THAT SACCHARINE SARCASTIC VOICE I KNOW SO WELL. 

UGH.


2:30- I WENT TO ST J TO AVOID HER.  SHE WAS FOLLOWING A CLERK AROUND.  I WAS FEELING SO ANGRY.  I WAS AFRAID I'D PUNCH HER.  IF I HADN'T GONE I  WOULDN'T HAVE FOUND A BRAND NEW PAIR OF ISOTONER INDOOR BOOTS FOR $10 THAT JOHN GAVE ME FOR $8.  AND A MEDAL $1.  I FOUND A RECEIPT IN THE BOOT FOR $5 TJ MAXX.    

RUTH SENIORS TOLD ME OF A HOPE THRIFT CURTNER/ALMADEN.  MY OLD HOME TOWN.  AROUND THE CORNER FROM RADIO AVE.

SOMEDAY.

INGA'S B-DAY

A NEW ME AND ANOTHER MONTH.

I MADE IT THROUGH JURY DUTY, AND THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL SURROUNDING IT.

2004 WAS THE YEAR LAST TIME I WENT IN WITH A NEW USED CAR, THE YEAR AFTER THE EXPLORATORY SURGERY; THE LAST TIME I SAW MY SIS BECAUSE MIT DIDN'T BELIEVE I WAS SICK, SHE INSISTED ON COMING TO PRE-OP BUT REFUSED TO DRIVE ME FOR THE OPERATION.  T & D TOOK CARE OF ME.  I STAYED WITH THEM OVERNIGHT.  I WAS SO ASHAMED OF MY FAMILY.   I GOT RID OF A 31 YR CYST FROM X.  I FELT BETTER THAN I HAD IN 31 YRS.  WAS HE THE CYST?  MY SISTERS?  BOTH?

TYGJ

THE DAY STARTED WITH A STAN'S DONUT. FROM JEANIE FOR INGA'S BIRTHDAY.  I GOT ENERGIZED AND FLOATED TO EXERCISE.  I GOT DONE EARLY AND DID COMPUTER.  THEN 3 EXTRA CORNBREAD WITH MY VEG CHILI CAUSE MY LADIES WERE FULL OF DONUTS.  THEN GERTA PRESENTED THE COSTCO CHEESECAKE W/HOMEMADE STRAWBERRIES. 

SO CREAMY.  SO FULL.  I FEEL LIKE IT'S MY B-DAY.

TOO GOOD

IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE TOO GOOD?  JURY DUTY IS DONE, LIBRARIES ARE GOOD TIL MONDAY, I HAVE FOOD, CAR IS GOOD, HOUSE IS TIGHT, I HAVE AN IDEA FOR WEEDS. 

IF I USE PROPANE TORCH DURING WINTER AND SPRING I CAN REMOVE WEEDS.  TOO BAD A STOLE MINE, I CAN GO TO OSH. 

ONE WEIRD WEEK

I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO DO JURY DUTY ANYMORE.  THE IDEA OF MATLOCK, PERRY MASON AND MURDER SHE WROTE HAS ALWAYS APPEALED TO ME BEFORE.  AND TODAY I DON'T KNOW.  MY LADIES SAY 70 YRS IS THE CUT OFF.

AND I'M CORRECTING PEOPLE.  INCONSIDERATE PEOPLE WHO COUGH FOR ATTENTION, GO HOME IF YOU'RE SICK.  BAD SINGERS I TELL TO TAKE VOICE LESSONS AT MISSION COLLEGE.  I POINT OUT THEIR BRAND OF AIR POLLUTION.

AND AUDREY ANN CALLED A CO-WORKER ON HER DRAMA.  I TOLD HER GOOD FOR HER AND MY LADIES LAUGHED.  SHE'S USUALLY SO MEEK.  I'M GLAD SHE'S STICKING UP FOR HERSELF.  AND MY LADIES SAY MY CRANKINESS IS JUST ME STICKING UP FOR MYSELF.

I WANT TO DO MORE, BE MORE.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD

WAHHH!   I'M STILL ON STANDBY.  HAVING TO REMEMBER TO CALL IS ANXIETY INDUCING.  I'M AFRAID I'LL FORGET. 

TODAY I SPENT 10 MINUTES LISTENING TO THE RECORDING.  AT NOON AND 5. 

WHAT IS IT I FIND SO ONEROUS?  I GUESS THAT THE VOICE SOUNDS SO DEPRESSED.  STILL, IT WOULD BE WORSE IF SHE SOUNDED UPBEAT AND ENTHUSIASTIC.  SO....

MY LADIES

ARE SO MUCH FUN.  I STUCK MY LUNCH CARD ON MY FOREHEAD AND GERTA DID TOO.  AND GINNY CAME OVER TO VISIT.  ROSE MARIE CONFIDED THAT MAURICE YELLED AT HER WHEN SHE WAS JOKING WITH HIM.  SHE'S THE DON RICKLES OF THE SENIOR CENTER.  SHE INSULTS PEOPLE SHE LIKES.  LIKE T.  WHENEVER I SAY SEE YOU TOMORROW SHE SAYS NOT IF I SEE YOU FIRST.

MAURICE IS USED TO PRIVILEGE.  WHITE AND MALE.  HE EXPECTS THE WORLD TO TREAT HIM BETTER THAN US LOWLY PEONS.  AND GERTA AND INGA HAVEN'T GOTTEN IT YET.  I'VE NO DOUBT THEY WILL.  HE'S A WIDOWER.  AND USING THE SYMPATHY CARD.  I SAW HIM AT THE LIBRARY.  I WAS WAITING FOR THE TECH TO HELP ME WITH THE CHROME BOOK AND SAT IN THE DESK AREA.  SHE TOLD ME ONLY STAFF COULD SIT THERE.  I MOVED TO THE COMPUTERS AND WAITED FOR HER RETURN.  HE SHOWED UP.  I EXPLAINED I WAS WAITING FOR HER AND THE POLICY WHEN HE SAT IN THE RESTRICTED AREA.  HE SAID IT WOULD BE ALRIGHT FOR HIM TO SIT THERE.  I RESPONDED BECAUSE HE'S WHITE AND MALE.  HE LOOKED SURPRISED BUT DIDN'T MOVE UNTIL SHE CAME BACK AND MADE HIM MOVE.  HE'S USED TO SPECIAL TREATMENT.  THE REST OF THE WORLD PAYS HIS WAY.

SECOND HAND LIONS...

HAS TO BE ONE OF THE FEW PERFECT MOVIES.  IT'S A CLASSIC FABLE.  IT SHOWS LIFE CAN BE ALRIGHT IF WE LOOK FOR THE GOOD AND INSIST ON HAVING IT.

MY BACK IS CONTINUING TO PLAGUE ME.  MAYBE BECAUSE I'M STILL TRYING TO BE A HUMAN DOING AND NOT A HUMAN BEING.  MY BACK IS STILL TEACHING ME.

I'M FEELING BETTER

ACCORDING TO MY HOROSCOPE I'M ENTERING A GOOD SPACE. 

THIS LAST MONTH HAS BEEN AN UNCOMFORTABLE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER AND I HAVE THE WHIPLASH. 

I'VE FELT DEPRESSED, ELATED, TREPIDATION LOOKING AT THIS SCREEN IS DAMAGING MY EYESIGHT.

AND I CAN SPEND DAYS LOOKING UP INFORMATION.  ONE LINK LEADS TO ANOTHER.

FEELING ANXIOUS

I SUDDENLY AWOKE WITH FREE FLOATING ANXIETY THEN REMEMBERED JURY DUTY NEXT WEEK. 

THE LAST TIME WAS 2004.  WHEN I GOT THE CAR, AND THE FUNNY PART; I STARTED LOOKING FOR A CAR BEFORE.  THEN THE CHECK ENGINE LIGHT AND REMEMBERING ERIC'S DEATH THIS LAST JUNE 13, TEN DAYS AFTER HIS BIRTHDAY. 

MOM'S IS MAY 13, TWELVE DAYS AFTER HER BIRTHDAY. 

IS THAT THE ROOT ANXIETY?  HOW A&M TURNED ON ME AND TRIED TO EVICT ME 2001-2008.  BATTLING THEM FOR THE RIGHT TO LIVE.

AND ALL THAT TIME I'VE BATTLED DEPRESSION, THE FAMILY TRADITION.

NO WONDER I FEEL SO TIRED.  PTSD.

NEWS I UNDERSTAND

SUNDAY 12 CHILDREN WERE FOUND IMPRISONED IN A HOME IN L A.  I CAN UNDERSTAND THE FEAR, DEPRESSION, AND ISOLATION THAT WILL CONTINUE TO KEEP THESE KIDS CAPTIVE. 

ONLY PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE CAGE CAN SEE.  I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY.  SHAME AND FEAR PLAY A HUGE ROLE.  KIDS WHO'VE BEEN TAUGHT THEY DESERVE ABUSE NO MATTER HOW INTELLIGENT THEY MAY BE WILL CONTINUE GRAVITATING TO SITUATIONS TO REINFORCE THOSE ERRONEOUS, SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BELIEFS.  WE SEEK THE SAFE AND FAMILIAR NO MATTER HOW DESTRUCTIVE AND ILLOGICAL IT MAY BE.  NOW I UNDERSTAND THE REPUBLICAN CYCLE.  PEOPLE CAN'T STAND TO HAVE LIFE BE TOO GOOD. 

I'VE LIVED IT.  I AWOKE DEPRESSED THAT LIFE HASN'T CHANGED BUT I HAVE.  I CAN SEE IT AND I CAN CHOOSE DIFFERENTLY.

THE FLU

TERRIBLE NEWS STORIES OF HEALTHY MIDDLE AGED PEOPLE DYING.  I'M GLAD I HAD MY SHOT.  I HAVE A TOUCH, THAT FEELING OF DOOM.  SO I'M BABYING MYSELF.  GOOD TO KNOW WHAT IT IS.

HOW LONG CAN THIS LAST

I'M WAITING.

I WENT TO COSTCO GAS, G2, MLIB.  I WANTED TO GET MY THRIFT ON BUT ST J IS CLOSED DUE TO MLK HOLIDAY.  I RECHECKED OUT THE CHROME BOOK, PICKED UP DELIVERANCE, WATCHED THE SPECIAL FEATURES.  IT'S BASED ON A BOOK. 

THEN ON THE WAY HOME I SAW THE SIGN FOR THE ESTATE SALE AROUND THE CORNER.  I BOUGHT MOSTLY FOOD, CEREAL, RICE, BEANS, BALSAMIC. 

I FEEL IT'S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

     

VULNERABLE

THERE'S A VAST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VULNERABLE AND WEAK.  I'VE BEEN CONFUSING THE TWO. 

I WAS PUNISHED FOR BEING HUMAN.  SLAPPED, BEATEN, RIDICULED.  I WAS SMALL AND DEFENSELESS.  IN MY MIND I SOMETIMES STILL FEEL SMALL.  I'M A WORK IN PROGRESS. 

SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE

I CREATED A BLOG OF LYRICS TO THE SONGS THAT DESCRIBE MY LIFE.

DW-LET GO, LET GOD

I WAS DREADING DRIVING TO SAVERS IN THE GLOOMY RAIN AND SUDDENLY REMEMBERED ST J REOPENS TODAY.  HURRAY!  1.7 R/T 6 MILES.

I TOOK MY TIME AND FOUND AN IN SINK DISH RACK $1, NEW DRAFTING TABLET $1, NEW SOMETHING ABOUT MARY DVD $.50, GLASS UNICORN HEAD PAPERWEIGHT $1, AND A FIGURE JEWELRY BODY $3.  I DEBATED ON THAT ONE AND DECIDED IF I DIDN'T I MIGHT NEVER FIND ANOTHER AND REGRET IT.  IT'S KIND OF SCARY.  A BODY WHERE THE ARMS AND HEAD ARE REPLACED WITH WIRES AND PEARLS TO HANG JEWELRY FROM.  I COULDN'T DECIDE IF IT WAS CUTE OR CREEPY.  EH, I CAN ALWAYS DONATE IT BACK.

SO SWEET

LIFE FEELS VERY SWEET.  I'VE NEVER NEEDED SWEETS.  I'VE ALWAYS PREFERRED SAVORY.  GIVE ME A MASHED POTATO SANDWICH FOR DESSERT.

DIABETES IS THE SEARCH FOR THE SWEETNESS IN THE OUTSIDE LIFE.  THERE IS NO OUTSIDE LIFE.  ALL LIFE IS AN INTERNAL EXPERIENCE.  OUR BODIES CONVERT EVERYTHING TO SUGAR=GLUCOSE TO BURN AS CALORIES.  SWEETNESS WAS HONEY OR NECTAR OR FRUIT ACCOMPANIED BY FIBER.  WE'VE LOST THE BALANCE.

I ENJOY DIFFERENT FLAVORS.  SUGAR MASKS EVERYTHING.  IT OVERPOWERS THE FLAVORS OF LIFE.

I HEARD ANOTHER ONE; SUGAR COATING.

FEELING MAGICAL

FRIDAY 5TH
OR BLESSED.  ALL THAT GOOD KARMA.

MY WISHES-PRAYERS ARE BEING ANSWERED.  THE DAY HAS GONE WEIRDLY AND WELL.  I DIDN'T MARK LUNCH SO I WENT ON STANDBY.  THEN I NEED TO RENEW SR. ID.  WHEN I TRIED TO THEY SAID I HAD TO WAIT 'TIL IT EXPIRED AND IT EXPIRED THE 3RD SO THEY DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT.  SHE SAID NEXT TIME IN.

SATURDAY
I WENT TO LOEWS LOOKING FOR SHELVING UNIT, CLOSEST @ FREMONT STORE.  ON TO RETURN DVD+BOOK SV LIB.  THEN 24 HR FITNESS.  SAME NEEDED TO RENEW SILVER SNEAKERS TOMORROW.  WHILE IN TUB I NOTICED NECKLACE HANGING ON POOL NET POLES ON WALL.  LOOKED LIKE AN ANGEL.  IT BLENDED INTO THE BEIGE MARBLE WALL.  I SOAKED, STRETCHED AND SHOWERED AND CHANGED.  I LOOKED THROUGH THE WINDOW AND IT WAS STILL THERE.  I WENT BACK TO RETRIEVE IT.  I COULD TAKE IT TO DESK.  WOULD IT EVAPORATE?  WAIT.

I WENT TO LUCKY'S PHONED PCH.  SPROUTS $.10, LINDOR TRUFFLES $2.99, 4 PROPEL @$.69, ARROWHEAD $.25.  ON TO MLIB FOR CHROME BOOK; RENEWED, WASHED DIRTY ANGEL NECKLACE AND IT'S 18KGP.  SO I DON'T KNOW.

RAISES THE QUESTION AM I GOOD ENOUGH TO OWN IT?  OR ALL MY LIFE OF TURNING IN FOUND THINGS, WAS IT TO FEEL SUPERIOR?  BETTER THAN MY FAMILY.

I TRIED CHROME BOOK IN PARKING LOT TO FIND CITIBANK TO PAY COSTCO, NO RECEPTION.  I REMEMBERED SARATOGA AND PAID BOUGHT 100% COCOA BARS, KOMBUCHA $1.99.

HERE I AM HOME, GREAT RECEPTION.

better,best

I WENT G2, LUCKY'S 2 $1.50 SALADS.  HOME REST, TURKEY LUNCH, LOOKING FOR T SHIRTS. DROP SILVER GARNET EARRINGS.  STARTED FIXING BLACK NYLON SWIM SUIT.  LOVELY 64o DAY. 

I CALLED T.  HE CALLED BACK.  I TOOK TURKEY, GIBLET GRAVY, WHITE BREAD DRESSING TASTED LIKE SAVORY PUDDING.  I ASKED T IF I COULD GET HIM ANYTHING SINCE HE WAS STILL SICK AND WENT TO WORK.  HE WANTED ORANGE JUICE.  I SUGGESTED GRAPEFRUIT (2X$3.99).  HE WANTED NEW BREAD ($2.29) WITH SEEDS AND NUTS.  HE HAD HALF A LOAF OF BUTTERMILK (IT WAS OLD).  HE'S SO SPOILED.  HE GAVE ME $20.  SO I WENT TO SARATOGA LUCKY'S.  I BOUGHT A BOX OF 20 QUART ZIP BAGS $1, 7 LIMES@ $.27, 2 DK CHOC BARS @ $.99, CLEARANCE MUSHROOMS $.99.  HIS WAS $10.27. 

ROB & LOUISE WERE THERE WAITING TO GO TO JULIE'S FOR DINNER.  T AND I HAD DINNER AND LOTS OF JUICE.  I TOLD HER HIS MOM'S NAME'S LOUISE.  HOPE SHE GETS THE HINT.  HE DIDN'T HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.  HE'S SO JEALOUS.  HE'S RELIVING HIS MOM & DAD.