i just noticed

the horoscope has the date on it.  i'm stressing.  divorcing the family is hard.  just as HARD AS DIVORCING THE EX.

TV SCHEDULE IS DOING WEIRD THINGS TOO.

I HAVE TO DIVORCE AUNTY TOO.  SHE'S NOT WRITING BACK.

kodama

Princess Mononoke forest spirit.  I'm getting in touch with myself.  The weirdness I feel isn't just me.  It's the culture. 

HHWW.  The only solution.

sweet

I have it pretty good.  I'm giving myself a happy childhood.  I'm lying in bed eating my custom oatmeal, playing pch scratchers, watching free library dvds, charging the chrome.

Does it get better?  I'm expecting it will.

I'm actively looking for a new used car.  T took me yesterday.  I'll go alone today.  I'm sore and tired and I can do it.  I've been here b4.

I needed a hot soak, got some free stuff, looked at wheels/deals, home for r&r.

short term memory

is back.  One of the most annoying things after my back injury was not having access.  I'm getting better.  I only took half an hour to remember my purse and I was able to recall last night's bonus puzzle almost immediately.  Well, faster than b4.  I had to remember the category then the actual puzzle.  Win!

PEACE GARDEN

I WANT LOVE, HEALTH, PEACE.

YESTERDAY B4 P.T. I CHANGED MY BAG TO THE HOBO AND BY THE AFTERNOON I FORGOT.  I SPENT A PANICKED HALF HOUR LOOKING FOR IT B4 I REMEMBERED.

AND NOW I KNOW WHY I CAN CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR AND CHANGE MY LIFE.

I SAW A HOUSE WITH A BASEMENT, CONCRETE ALL AROUND THE FOUNDATION, SPACES FOR PLANTS AND TREES.  IT LOOKS SO SENSIBLE. 

STOMACHE

MY BODILY SENSATIONS ARE CHANGING AND MY LIFE SITUATIONS ALSO.  NOW A BOOK I CHECKED OUT HAS DISAPPEARED FROM MY RECORDS AND A BOOK I DON'T HAVE HAS APPEARED.  IT MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE BOOKMOBILE. 

I DIDN'T NOTICE SINCE I CHECKED OUT SO MANY.  I WENT BY THE NUMBER OF ITEMS.  I SHALL HAVE TO CHECK MY RECEIPT.

I CONTINUE TO SLOWLY EMPTY MY CAR.  I CONSIDERED JUST LOADING ALL STUFF INTO THE NEW/USED CAR BUT THE LOGISTICS OF BOXES NECESSARY PRECLUDES THAT. 

AND MY STOMACH HURTS.  IT MAY BE MY BACK.  I'VE BEEN MOVING MY STUFF REORGANIZING.

AMAZING

I USED THE SCRABBLE TO SOLVE THE WORD JUMBLE.
I'M HANGING ON.
I STILL FEEL ANCHOR LESS.  I FEEL I CAN DO ANYTHING.  WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?

weird week

I'VE FELT DESOLATE, WITH RETURNS, CAR SHOPPING, PHYSICAL THERAPY STIRRING UP MY BACK, THE CHROME DISAPPEARING FROM MY RECORDS.

MY ORDERED LIFE IN SEEMING CHAOS.  I TURNED IN THE CHROME AND GOT A NEW ONE IMMEDIATELY. 

I STARTED CLEARING OUT MY CAR AND FOUND THE BAG.  I HAVE SO MUCH.

TYGJ.

FLASHBACKS

PTSD-MY BODY SCREAMS 3;10 AM OF SITTING ON WICKER FURNITURE AT 14-15 MONTHS OLD.  IT HURTS TO SIT ON THE WICKER COUCH.  I'M AFRAID TO MOVE. SPLINTERS, IT FEELS LIKE IT'S BITING ME.  I FEEL SO TERRIBLY UNHAPPY.  MY LIFE IS ONE OF MISERY, CRUELTY, HUMILIATION, TORTURE.  MY GRANDMA IS MY ONLY RESPITE.

MY PARENTS SPEND THEIR TIME SCREAMING.  THEY'RE SO UNHAPPY.  FEAR ANXIETY ARE CONSTANT.  MY 7 YR OLD SISTER HAS BEEN A HUMAN PING PONG BALL RAISED BY TWO IMMATURE DAMAGED PEOPLE.  HIS DAD HUNG HIMSELF 1 YEAR 4 MONTHS BEFORE MY BIRTH 1949.  MAYBE WHY I WAS TREATED LIKE MALE.  A WAS 3.  THEY MARRIED 1942 WW 2.  WE LEARNED TO PRETEND TO BE HAPPY. 

I'M STILL UNLEARNING.

I MAY NOT KNOW

EVER.  I'M FEELING A TINY BIT BETTER.  MAYBE I'M JUST ADAPTING.  I HAVE WAY MORE EXPERIENCE WITH HARD TIMES.  HEAVEN FEELS WEIRD AFTER A LIFETIME OF HELL.  AND HEAVEN IS CONSTANTLY EVOLVING AS I EVOLVE.  SO.....

OH WELL

I LEFT MY PHONE BAG IN THE SR DINING ON A CHAIR.  I SPENT HALF HOUR LOOKING FOR IT RETHOUGHT AND REMEMBERED PUTTING IT ON THE CHAIR NEXT TO ME.  I GOT UP, PUSHED GERTA'S WALKER OVER TO HER, GRABBED MY CARRY ON AND LEFT.  AND LEFT IT ON THE CHAIR.  I'LL TRY LOST AND FOUND TOMORROW.  BOTH PHONES IN IT.

OH, WELL.  I'M REALLY MISSING MOM.  I SPENT THE AFTERNOON LOOKING FOOR CARS.  I ATE AND NAPPED 4;39-6;30.  WATCHED JEOPARDY-WHEEL LOOKING FOR CARS.  GETTING READY FOR BED I NOTICED I DIDN'T HAVE MY PHONE, LOOKED IN THE CAR, ALL OVER THE HOUSE.

IT'S OK.  I'M OK.  NOT DOING AS WELL AS I HOPED.  AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

ON THE VERGE OF SLEEPING I FLASHBACK TO CROSSING THE STREET AT LAWRENCE MONROE ON THE WAY TO 5TH GRADE AND BEING HIT BY CAR, KNOCKED OVER, ALL MY BOOKS FLYING, WOMAN IN CAR LOOKED AT ME NEVER EVEN STOPPED.  AND THEN I REMEMBER THE BOY ON THE BIKE THAT KNOCKED ME DOWN AND NEVER STOPPED AND I'M TOO UPSET TO SLEEP.  I NEVER TOLD ANYONE.  MOM WOULD HAVE MADE IT MY FAULT.  SHE MADE EVERYTHING MY FAULT.  MY SISTERS STOLE FROM ME AND SHE WAS FINE WITH IT.  SO THEY BECAME THIEVES.

GHOSTS

THE CHROME HAS DISAPPEARED FROM MY RECORDS.  A GIFT?  T HAS TOLD ME MANY TIMES TO BUY ONE.  OWNING THINGS REQUIRES MAINTENANCE, WATCHFULNESS, POSSIBILITY OF LOSS.  I HAVE A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY AS IT IS.  MORE THAN I WANT.  MY CAR.  LOOKING FOR A NEW USED ONE.

I'VE ALREADY LOST TOO MUCH.  AND MORE WILL BE REVEALED.

what to do

i'm trying to renew chrome and it disappeared yesterday from my records.  it may reappear overdue.  shall i turn it in or use it.  there are 5 available.

NO IDEA.  AND THEN WAITING FOR IT TO LOAD I WAS RUNNING THE CURSOR AROUND THE SCREEN AND MINIATURIZED IT. 

I'M EXHAUSTED. 

ALASKA

I CALLED T HAPPY B-DAY.  HE'S IN ALASKA WITH ROB.

BOOKMOBILE DAY.  I WENT TO CAMPBELL LIB. 

CHECK ENGINE LIGHT AGAIN, PRACTICE PEACE.  HHWW.  TOMORROW I GO TO #1 PHYS THERAPY. 

I DO MY EXERCISES, STRETCHES AND PROGRESS IS SLOW.  I'M FEELING DEPRESSED.  AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS. 

I BOUGHT BLUEBERRY STRUDEL TO CELEBRATE THE END OF MONOPOLY.  WE WENT LAST AT LUNCH.  I HAD A TINY WRAP.  I WAS STILL HUNGRY AND MY LADIES GOT ME AN EXTRA SALAD.  I COULDN'T BEAR THE CHICKEN CHOP SUEY FULL OF GREASE.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.  I NEED A BETTER LIFE.

STAR ONE CAR SALE 9 DAYS.  I WANT AN EASIER CAR TO DRIVE AND MAINTAIN.

   

PEACE

MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.  YESTERDAY I REMEMBERED T IS LEAVING TODAY AT NOON FOR ALASKA TO SEE ROB.  LOU IS IN MAINE.

I DELIVERED HIS B-DAY CARD AND BON VOYAGE.  I REMEMBERED CITIBANK AND PAID IT AND CITY DUE.  WHEW!!

TYGJ.

i'm still dealing with the fallout of taking care of the ungrateful folks.  watching them die miserably was too much.  even if they deserved it.

NEW TERRITORY

I'M KEEPING IT TOGETHER.  I FEEL FLOATY.  I HAD INTENDED ADDING MONOPOLY AND BROUGHT THE COUPONS INSTEAD.  AUGH!

NOT REALLY.  I'M PRACTICING NEW BEHAVIORS.  BE=HAVE.  IF I WANT A DIFFERENT LIFE I LIVE DIFFERENTLY.  I CONTEMPLATED PUTTING OUT BINS.  NAH. I DECIDED LAUNDRY.  AND CHARGING CHROME AND PHONE.  SO I READ YESTERDAYS PAPER I BOUGHT AT MARIA SFWY FOR A BOX OF TICKETS I'VE GONE THROUGH AFTER ST JUSTIN.

MANTRA

HHWW.  ALL I HAVE IN THIS WORLD IS ME. 

tantrum

NEXT DOOR JIM OFFERED TO CLEAR FRONT YARD TOMORROW FOR YEARLY CITY CLEAN UP.  HE INCLUDED YES NOTE.  DOESN'T GET ANY EASIER AND I HAVE MY DOUBTS.  I'VE BEEN BETRAYED TOO MUCH AND SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I DESERVE IT.  I'VE WORKED LONG AND HARD.  WE'LL SEE.

I NEED SOMEONE TO LEAVE THIS TO.  I HAVE NO ONE.

THE GARAGE BACK DOOR WAS UNLOCKED AND THE OVEN WAS ON.  SHE STILL HAS THE OPENER.

I ATE THE DONUTS.  MARIA SFWAY HAD KRAB AND LUNCH MEAT.  FIRST I HAD A HUGE LUCKY SALAD AND THEN POTATO/KRAB/CHEESE BOWL.  NAP ATTACK.

FREEDOM

I SPENT THE DAY MONOPOLIZING.  I AWOKE AND TOOK MY TIME GOING TO G2.  I WENT TO SAFEWAY FIRST AND THEN TOOK BACK A TOWEL AND WORKED OUT.  I WENT TO MARIA SAFEWAY LOOKING FOR THE FREE ASPIRIN.  I CHECKED OUT QUEST LABS NEXT TO THE PHARMACY INSIDE SAFEWAY.

I CALLED T GOING TO BREAKFAST W/GREG HOME BY 11 FOR TICKETS PICK UP.  ON THE WAY I CHECKED OUT LX SAFEWAY.  4 DONUTS COUPON ITEMS.  CLERK SHORTED ME A TICKET, I WENT BACK FOR IT.  ANOTHER FREE CHIPS.  YAY!

I BOUGHT CROISSANTS 75% OFF. 

GOOD GIRL

I'VE DONE MY BANKING, FILLED THE GAS TANK, ORGANIZED MY BILLS.

TOMORROW I'M FREE.  TODAY I'M FREE.  AND THE WEATHER IS PERFECT.

I MISPLACED THE VISA CARDS FROM CARE MORE AND FOUND THEM.  I'M ENJOYING READING GOOD PILOT PETER WOODHOUSE.  TYGJ.  ALIENS ATE MY HOMEWORK IS GOOD TOO.

CINDERELLA

WHEN I WAS EIGHT I WAS SURE I WAS ADOPTED WITH TWO STEP-SISTERS NEVER REQUIRED TO DO ANYTHING WHILE I DID ALL THE COOKING CLEANING, ETC.  SO I THOUGHT I WAS CINDERELLA.  I FIT THE DESCRIPTION.  I WAS BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING AND DIDN'T KNOW HOW I HOW I HAD BECOME SO POWERFUL AS TO AFFECT THE ENTIRE WORLD.

AS AN ADULT I WAS ATTRACTED TO BLAMING ADULTS TOO AND TO A LESSER DEGREE I STILL AM.  ME IN DENIAL.