ACHY ALL OVER

I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING SICK.  I FELT TERRIBLE LIKE THE FLU.  STOMACH WAS UPSET BODY ACHY.  THEN IN THE POOL I FELT OK.  POOR AIR FROM ALL THE FIRES UP NORTH.  I DIDN'T KNOW THE EXTENT OF THE EFFECT.  OH, MY ACHING SHOULDERS BACK.

I WENT TO CAMPBELL AND SALLY LAST DAY OF COUPON.  I DIDN'T NEED ANYTHING.  I TURNED IN HAPPY TIME MURDERS AT MISSION AND ONLINE SAW LUCKY'S TODAY 2 X POINTS.  $1 OFF KETTLE CHIPS 2 FOR 1 PANERA SOUP.  I ADDED HOT MEAL CHICK ENCHILADA AND EGG ROLL $5.  $14+. 

I WANT TO BE BAD. I'M EATING CANDY. IT'S EVERYWHERE.

SO I'M COUGHING AND NOSE RUNNING FROM SUGAR AND THE FIRES BURNING UP NORTH.  YESTERDAY LAB CORP BLOOD TEST I FELT LIKE SCREAMING AT MY PARENTS LIKE THE 7 YEAR OLD THERE SCREAMING AT HER MOM AND TECHNICIAN.

COUGHING FROM COFFEE.  COFF, COFF.

I'M THINKING WHAT TO DO TOMORROW.  HALLOWEEN.

i don't want to do anything.

better better

I PLAYED IN THE POOL FROM 7:30 TO 8:30.

WOO HOO

AFTER ALL THE DONUTS AT ST JUSTIN I WORKED OUT EXTRA AND I FEEL SLEEPY AND GREAT.  I LOVE DOING WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT.  NO WONDER PEOPLE GET CRAZY.

I'M DOING WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT.  I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW GREAT LIFE CAN BE.  I'VE NEVER KNOWN MY FEELINGS BEFORE.  I CAN'T IMAGINE LIFE FEELING BETTER.  APPEARANCES DON'T MATTER.

I'M WEARING MY CLEAN FLUFFY CLOTHES.  I'M MY OWN STUFFED TOY WATCHING MY PROGRAMS AND R MUPPET MOVIE.  I'M FEELING SO GOOD.

I LOVE THE WAY I FEEL

I'M WEARING MY DENIM FLARE DRESS.  I LOVE THE TEXTURE OF THE FABRIC AND MY CURVES.

eureka

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY I BOUGHT ANOTHER IRONING BOARD.  I HAVE A MOVABLE WORK SURFACE.  I WANT TO MAKE A BUNCH OF POCKETS AND GATHERED TOPS.

CHECKING IN-CATHY SALE-FAN ON

FEELING IS STILL SO NEW TO ME.  I WAS WAITING IN THE DARK 6:30 LAFFEYETTE LAUNDRY AND WAITED 20 MINUTES.  THEN I STARTED LOOKING FOR 1697 FREMONT IN THE DARK.  I THOUGHT OF GOOGLE MAP.  NAH.

I'M MISSING CATHY ALREADY.  I WAS AT HER DUPLEX AT 7.  SHE GAVE ME 3 NEW REAMS OF COPY PAPER, 4 NEW WRITABLE DVD, NEW 7TH SEASON BIG BANG DVD, 2 NEW ROLLS PAPER TOWELS $3.  WHAT A DEAL.

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 2:30 AND NOW I LIKE TAKING MY TIME GOING SLOWLY.  I STARTED BLOGGING AT THE WASH AND NOW I'M SITTING AT SENIORS 8:36.  I USED TO RESENT WAKING EARLY BUT NOW I KNOW I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT AT HOME.  MY HOME.

STAYED IN POOL AN HOUR, HOT TUB HALF TAKING MY TIME.

I ARRIVED HOME NOON AND SAW I LEFT THE FRONT DOOR OPEN AND THE FAN ON TO COOL DOWN THE HOUSE.  OH OH.  TOO TIRED.  I ATE SALAD AND LEFT OVER SENIOR LUNCH CHILI COLORADO.  I COOKED THE STEAK AND CHICKEN FROM LAST SUNDAY TO MAKE STEW WITH ZUCCHINI.  I STARTED ON EYELET REDO AND  WATCHED THE TRIP AND SNOOZED 2 HOURS.  WHEN I WOKE 6 I THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY MORNING.

practice

 I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO REMEMBER.  THEN IF I WRITE IT DOWN I HAVE TO REMEMBER WHERE I PUT IT.  A CONUNDRUM.

I STARTED WATCHING SHOPLIFTERS.  I CAN'T TOLERATE HELEN AND MARILYN.  LUNCH WAS NOT GOOD.  I'M SO GLAD I ORDERED CHEF SALAD.  THE MAC CHEESE WAS TERRIBLE, I DON'T KNOW HOW INGE ATE IT. 

QUIET CALMER

I'M A LITTLE LESS TENSE.  I STILL HAVE TO CONSCIOUSLY RELAX OR MY MUSCLES GET SORE.  I THINK THAT'S THE PAIN AND STIFFNESS IN MY NECK AND SHOULDERS.

MY ALLERGIES WERE BAD FROM ALL THE SUGAR CAKE.  I TOOK WILLOW 3 TIMES FOR SINUS PAIN YESTERDAY.  AND LAST NIGHT I ATE WALMART PUMPKIN PIE SO I WOKE UP HOT AND SWEATY.  MY STOMACH FEELS GOOD TODAY.  4 SERVINGS OF PINTO BEANS YESTERDAY MADE ME A METHANE FACTORY.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO TODAY.

I WATCHED TOY STORY 4 FOR THE 4TH TIME AND THERE ARE NO BAD PEOPLE ONLY BROKEN TOYS.  WE'RE ALL BROKEN IN SOME WAY.  WE CAN SUCCEED AS A SPECIES BY ACKNOWLEDGING, ACCEPTING AND ADAPTING WHAT MAKES US 'SPECIAL.'

I'M SPENDING MY DAY SUPPORTING AND NURTURING MYSELF.  I FEEL GUILTY.  I DEARLY WANT IT TO FEEL GOOD TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.  I WANT IT TO FEEL NORMAL.

KYLE KYLE KYLE

I CAN'T REMEMBER HIS NAME.  THE MANAGER LIFE GUARD AT THE POOL.  I CAN REMEMBER KIT CARSON PONY EXPRESS SATCHEL,  JASON AND ARGONAUTS MOTOR CYCLE RIDER. 

MAYBE KYLE SOUTH PARK BUT HE'S SO CALM AND REASSURING UNLIKE SOUTH PARK.

rebel

I'M FEELING REBELLIOUS.  AT LEAST I THINK I AM.  I DON'T KNOW.  I'M WEARING WHAT I WANT IS FUN.

I CONFRONTED SPECKLED BITCH.  SHE ASKED WHAT I HAD AGAINST HER.  I TOLD HER THE FIRST TIME WE MET SHE CHOSE TO MAKE FUN OF ME TO HER CLASS.  SHE PRETENDED TO APOLOGIZE.  I TOLD HER I DON'T THINK SO.  THE BULLY KISSES UP TO MIKE AND HE LAPS IT UP.

HURRAY ME!!

I'M PROUD OF MY SELF. AND NOW I KNOW FOR SURE MIKE IS RACIST TOO.

ONE DOWN

I ARRIVED SENIORS 10;15.  10;30 MORE PARKING.

OPTHAMOLOGIST APPT. OK.  I'M FEELING SHELL SHOCKED.  AFTER AN HOUR OF TESTING THEY WANTED A 3 D SCAN.  LUCKILY IT WASN'T COVERED AND I COULD LEAVE.   ALL THE PARENTS' APPOINTMENTS, EMERGENCIES HAVE TAKEN THEIR TOLL.  I CRIED FOR DAD AND ME.

MY ALLERGIES ARE HEAVY.  EYES, NOSE, THROAT, FEVER, SLEEPY.

NEW SEASON

I WAS FEELING SICK.  I DIDN'T KNOW IF IT WAS THE WIND AND MY ALLERGIES OR SUGAR FROM EATING CARBS OR HIGH BLOOD  PRESSURE FROM STRESS.  I GUESS IT WAS ALLERGIES.  IT WAS SO WINDY DUST AND DIRT. 

postponed

VALLEY VILLAGE WILL BE 11/9.  OH, WELL I PUZZLED ON THEIR BEAUTIFUL TABLE.  I CONSIDER IT A PRACTICE RUN.

I WATCHED ART OF SELF DEFENSE ANOTHER QUIRKY JESSE EISENBERG FILM.  HE SAYS IN THE INTERVIEW HE LIKES TO FEEL CHALLENGED.  ANGRY HELEN WAS IN THE WARM WATER POOL AND GAVE ME HER OPINION ON EVERYBODY.  SHE DOESN'T LIKE INGA.  IT COMES OFF AS JEALOUSY.  MARIA OLVIEROS SET A TOUGH EXAMPLE OF TOLERANCE.

I TRIED LOGGING ON SENIOR PARKING LOT AND COULDN'T.  I DECIDED TO GET PANERA BACON TURKEY BRAVO, FREE CHERRY CHEESE BRITTANY, $1 OFF PRICKLY PEAR HIBISCUS DRINK TASTED LIKE NOTHING AND PEETS SCONE.  MISSION HAS ADULT READING TRAINING IN MY PRIVATE DINING ROOM.  SO I ATE ON THE PATIO.  I ADDED AVOCADO.  I LIKE USING IT IN SANDWICHES.  I HAVE TWO STARBUCKS CARDS I DON'T KNOW.

I WANTED TO BLOG.  HERE I AM.  I WOULD HAVE GONE HOME BUT FOR RECEPTION.

I'M FEELING SLEEPY AFTER EATING.  I WAS GOING TO EAT MY STEAK SQUASH AND ONIONS BUT I GUESS THERE'S ALWAYS TOMORROW. 

NEW ME STUBER!!

SAME OLD DAY...MAYBE.  WE'LL SEE.  I WAS FEELING EXHAUSTED.  THEN I REMEMBERED HOW MUCH I DID YESTERDAY.  A LOT.

I WATCHED STUBER.  SO FUNNY.  I LAUGHED SO MUCH DESPITE THE BLOOD AND GORE.  THE ACTING IS SO GOOD AND THE EFFECTS ARE AWESOME.  I HAVEN'T ENJOYED A VIOLENT PICTURE MORE.  I'M USUALLY JUST BARELY TOLERATING THE VIOLENCE.  IT WAS AN INTEGRAL PART OF THE STORY LINE.  HORRIFYING AND HILARIOUS.

POIGNANT BECAUSE AILEEN CALLED ME STU-PID UNTIL MOM NOTICED.  MOM ALWAYS CALLED ME STUPID SO AILEEN DID TOO.  STUBER IS STU DRIVES UBER.

I EXERCISED AND AFTER SHOWER NOTICED THE AMETHYST FELL OFF THE EARRING.  I LOOKED IN THE SHOWER AND THERE IT WAS.  TYGJ.

AND SNACK BAR LADY GAVE ME COFFEE.  SHE GAVE MIKE A SANDWICH.  I FELT A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED.  THEN AT 4 WHEN SHE CLOSED SHE GAVE ME A HOT DOG.

I LET GO

IT'S ALL IN LETTING GO.  WHEN SO MUCH OF MY SURVIVAL DEPENDED ON KEEPING MYSELF IN CHECK LETTING GO FEELS HUGE MAYBE INSURMOUNTABLE.  I DON'T HAVE TO RELY ON MYSELF.  I LET GOD. 

I GOT GAS SENIORS 10 EARLY.  I JUST LET GO.  I DIDN'T PLAN IT I JUST DID IT.

WALTER SHOWED UP AT LUNCHTIME AND CAROL REFUSED TO BE REASONABLE AGAIN.  I VISITED WITH HIM 'TIL 12;30.  I REMEMBERED I NEEDED TO GO TO WALMART TO PAY PGE.  FOUND SEA WEED, THAI CHILI ALMONDS, PUMPKIN PIE, BOX MILK.  THEN CAMPBELL LIBRARY FOR GOLDEN CHILD.  RENEWED L. HAY 3 WEEKS 11/7.  I WALKED SALVATION 2 HOURS AND HOME.  IMPATIENT 30  WOMAN HONKING AT EVERYONE. 

STILL SLEEPING LIKE BABY

I WOKE 11, 3 FROM NIGHTMARE OF BLOND MAN THREATENING ME WITH KNIFE FOR MY CAR IN TOWN 30 MILES FROM NEWARK.  IN FACT I DEFENDED MYSELF FROM WILL WITH A KNIFE AFTER I DECIDED TO LEAVE/DIVORCE HIM.  I COULD SEE IT WOULD OTHERWISE END WITH ONE OF US DEAD.

MOM THREATENED ME WITH SHEARS WHEN I WAS 16 AND I'D LONG AGO GIVEN UP HOPE FOR LIVING.  I LIVED DEPRESSED MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD.  IN MY 30'S AFTER I LEFT WILL I DIDN'T KNOW LIFE COULD BE OTHERWISE.  I FELT DIFFERENT.

WILL, BILL, TOM ALL HAD BEEN ARRESTED.  DAD PROBABLY TOO.  MOM SAID WE MOVED TO MAINLAND TO ESCAPE HIS BUDDIES.  I THOUGHT TO AVOID FAMILY.  SHE ISOLATED ME.  RICH AUNTIE KATCHAN WANTED TO ADOPT ME.

I'M FEELING SO MUCH POST TRAUMATIC STRESS FROM THE PARENTS' LAST YEARS I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO EXPERIENCE WHILE IN SURVIVAL MODE.  20 YEARS WORTH.

I WENT TO MAIN LIBRARY TO RETURN STOP SMOKING AND PICK UP FRANK.  I DIDN'T FORCE MYSELF.  I KEPT FALLING ASLEEP SO RELAXED.  I CAME HOME 2:30.  PUTTERED AROUND AND FELL ASLEEP TO CARTOONS.  AFTER A 3 HOUR NAP I FELT GOOD ENOUGH TO COOK ONE ONION 3 POTATOES IN CURRY OREGANO. 

I WAS TRAINED TO TORTURE MYSELF AND NOT ALLOWED TO ENJOY ANYTHING.  IF I DIDN'T THEY TORTURED ME.

I FORGIVE I FORGOT

I STARTED PLANNING TO SCHEDULE MY APPOINTMENTS AT 8 AND FORGOT 'TIL 9.  I FORGIVE MYSELF.

AFTER TAKING DAD TO HIS APPOINTMENTS 25 HIS LAST YEAR THE STRESS I PUSHED AWAY IS BACK TO BE EXPERIENCED.  I DIDN'T HAVE THE LUXURY WHEN I HAD TO KEEP MY SELF INTACT TO FUNCTION.  IT WAS TOO OVERWHELMING.  DR. APPOINTMENTS, WOUND CARE, EMERGENCY, BLOOD DRAWS, ETC.

STILL BABY

WAKING SLEEPING REPROGRAMMING OVER OLD CONDITIONING IS EXHAUSTING.  AND I KEEP FORGETTING HOW TIRING IT IS.  I'M BLAMING MOM WHEN SHE'S A LEMMING TO THE SEA.  SHE HAD AS MUCH KNOWLEDGE OF HOW THE WORLD WORKS.

NO WONDER I FEEL LIKE CRAP.  MY INFANT SELF.

I'M HANGING AT SUNNYVALE.  I EXERCISED, SPROUTS PROTEIN POWDER TURMERIC AND ECHINACEA.  YESTERDAY I LOOKED UP PANERA AND PEET'S SUNNYVALE AND MILPITAS AND TODAY DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.  I THINK I STILL HAVE RED ROBIN.  HUH.  I WANT THE TRIMMED SIRLOIN STEAKS I BOUGHT YESTERDAY WITH SALAD MIX.  I'M SNACKING.

SUDDENLY MY RIGHT SHOULDER BLADE AND HIP HURT SO BAD I TOOK WILLOW.  I WAS FEELING SICK.

SOMEONE LEFT SMALL CAN CHICKEN.  I DECIDED TO EAT MY OTHER CAN IN SALAD.  SLICE SOURDOUGH W/BALSAMIC.  DELICIOUS.  CHIPS DESSERT.

HOWARD LOVECRAFT

MUST HAVE BEEN A TORTURED SOUL.  I WIKIED HIM.  SUCH FASCINATING CONTEMPORARIES.

LIKE A BABY

I WOKE 12:30, 2:30, 4:30,6:30.  FEELING CRANKY.

I DIDN'T WANT TO DO LAUNDRY, PEET'S, $AN CARLOS, DOLLAR TREE.

THEN I REALIZED I CAN DO IT MONDAY HOLIDAY.  I WENT $ANTA AND EXERCISE.  I'M FEELING BETTER.  CATHY GAVE ME ZIP MAKE UP BAG, CANDY, MONKEY POD BEADED BRACELET(WONDER WOMAN), PLUMERIA HAIR CLIP.

WOO HOO!!

two cupcakes.

I AWOKE 2:30 AM TERRIFIED.  INFANT WAS CRINGING.  I COULDN'T GO BACK TO SLEEP AND STAYED WITH THE CELLULAR TERROR.  I'M STILL FEELING IT.

SO MUCH OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN SHUT OFF BY THE OVERWHELMING TERROR OF BEING IN A CRUEL ABUSIVE ENVIRONMENT.  

I REALIZED YESTERDAY I HADN'T RECEIVED MY PGE.  I MANAGED TO FIND IT ONLINE.  MORE TERROR.  

I HAVEN'T REMEMBERED TO CALL FOR APPOINTMENTS AND I'M GOOD.  I'LL REMEMBER.

AND I REMEMBERED TO GO TO WALGREEN'S.  MET TALL THIN PLAYFUL WHITE PONY TAIL FELLOW I GAVE 2 AVOCADOS.

HISSY

I'M FEELING CRANKY.  I FORGOT TO CALL FOR APPOINTMENTS.  LUNCH WAS OK.  EXERCISE GOOD.  THE BIRDS WERE CHATTERING TOO MUCH ABOUT THE POWER SHUTOFFS RELAYING LAST NIGHTS NEWS.  THEY JUST DON'T LISTEN.  COMPLAINING, ALWAYS COMPLAINING.  DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION.  HEARING WHAT THEY WANTED NOT WHAT WAS SAID.  SELECTIVE SLANTED.

I DID MY ROUTINE.  CAMPBELL LIBRARY AND CAME HOME.  I'M BORED OF DRIVING. 

ADULT CHILD

I'M FEELING GOOD.  I WENT TO CITIBANK AND REALIZED MY CAR EXPIRED.  THE NEW ONE WAS IN THE GLOVE BOX, I PHONED FROM THE CAR, ACTIVATED IT AND PAID MY BILL. 

I WENT TO DR CHUNG'S OFFICE AND GOT APPOINTMENT ADVICE.  AND STILL FEELING GOOD.

I WENT TO LUCKY'S A POUND OF BONELESS PORK RIBS $1.36.  YEAH, BABY.

ALL RIGHT!!

I HAD A GREAT DAY.  I RECYCLED $5.75.  10 MINUTES EARLY SENIORS.  I PUZZLED 'TIL 10 WHEN MARILYN STARTED SPEWING HER POISON.  I EXERCISED AND WATCHED MOVIE 'TIL LUNCH.  ART GAVE ME HALF HIS CHOCOLATE CROISSANT.  GERDA GOT US EXTRA LEFTOVERS.  ALEX JOINED US AND GAVE ME HIS SALAD AND NEWSPAPER.  I ADDED AVOCADO.  HIS TABLE WAS EMPTY.       

IT WAS HOT SO I CONTINUED PUZZLING.  KIMO GAVE ME CHEESE DANISH.  I PUZZLED IN THE COOL.  I WAS HUNGRY 4 AND HAD DINNER.  WAITED 'TIL 5 AND COMPUTED WHEEL OF FORTUNE.   CAME HOME FEELING GOOD SO I PICKED UP FRUIT FOR TOKI AND HELEN TOMORROW.  MAIL HAD ANOTHER $6 AMERICAN SPIRIT. 

MANY HAPPY RETURNS

I'M FEELING TIRED.  I LEARNED FROM THE FAMILY TO PICK ON MYSELF AND SABOTAGE MY SUCCESSES.  I'M TAKING GREAT CARE OF MYSELF.  I MAINTAIN CONSTANT VIGILANCE.  IT'S TIRING.

NEW BEHAVIORS TAKE A LOT OF ENERGY TO REPROGRAM.  ERASING THE OLD AND RESTRUCTURING TAKES MORE ENERGY THAN JUST LEARNING NEW.

I'M DOING IT. 

playing hooky

FUNDAY SUNDAY.  EVERY THING I WANT.  I HAD MY CEREAL AND WAS HUNGRY I ATE MASH STRAWBERRY CHIA  SOURDOUGH SANDWICH.

I WATCHED SPIDER MAN FAR FROM HOME.  ILLUSION OF SUCCESS/FAILURE COURSE IN MIRACLES.

I AM HAVING FUN. 

PTSD

DREAM WOKE ME.  I'M RELIVING ERIC'S DYING 6/13/2017.  HIM REPEATING BREATHE.  I'M BEING COMFORTED BY MY DREAM HUSBAND.  MY LIFE IS COMPLETE ON THE OTHER SIDE.

ERIC'S SAD TRAGIC LIFE PARALLELS MINE.  THE BROTHER I MISS.

5 PM I'M FEELING BETTER AFTER STAYING WITH MY ROUTINE.  $TORE.  I EXERCISED, BOUGHT 10 NUGGETS CRISPY TACO AT BK.  I RENEWED CHROME, WATCHED ANNA APOCALYPSE AT MISSION.  ATE LUNCH PATIO ROOM USED.  CAME HOME PREPPED COOKED CHICKEN FROM 9/22.

booga booga

I'M STILL FEELING STRESSED.  I'M CAUGHT UP FOR NOW. 

I'M TIRED OF EVERYTHING.  TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING I OWN THAT REALLY OWNS ME.  BEING RESPONSIBLE.  I'VE BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR 60 YEARS.  COOKING, CLEANING, SHOPPING, PAYING BILLS. 

I CAN UNDERSTAND USING BUSINESS MANAGERS TO FEEL FREE. 

DID MY BANKING

AND REMEMBERED TO COVER CHECK.  FREAKED MYSELF OUT WHEN I FORGOT.  MY LIFE HAS BEEN MOTIVATED BY WORRY AND STRESS TO FULFILL MY RESPONSIBILITIES.  DOING LIFE WITH GRACE IS NEW AND DIFFERENT AND SCARY.  A NEW WAY OF LIVING TAKES GREAT COURAGE. 

THE PIONEERS MUST HAVE HAD HELL BEHIND THEM TO MOTIVATE THEM.

I'M A CONSCIOUSNESS PIONEER.  I WANT A BETTER LIFE TOO AND I'M LEARNING.

BOOP

AND HAVING MORE FUN.  I DID MY BANKING AND CAME HOME TO REST.