breakfast i made

jerky oatmeal.  lunch i prepped asparagus warmed chop added balsamic i simmered yesterday half hour so sweet and smooth.  and i came main after dollar store.  and i'm waiting for pch to load my games.

i sit and look at the lot and shopping center across the street and i'm happy.  totally new me.

auntie sent a letter.  her pain is better and she sent $50 for new year's food.  and she wrote 'luv u'.  so cute.  makes me wonder if she's slightly autistic.  forever young.

played online games and sweeps as much as i wanted.  couldn't find aarp.  always happens.  

i started the car and suddenly remembered sun day paper senior park.  i jetted over and found knotted leash too.  walked the park did my stretches and home.

heated pork chop asparagus.  mixed cardamom, cinnamon, ginger added to can yams and boiled down.  ate half.  second half for breakfast.  2 cupcakes dessert.  almonds, chips. 

good day.  tygj.

delightful

 'my faith carries me far'.  i'm very relaxed thinking how everyone in my past would condemn my life.  i spent the morning in bed 'til 8:30 when i made an asparagus omelette.  cheesy toasted bagel.  

the ants went crazy when i boiled down balsamic vinegar.  they couldn't find it in the micro.  i decanted into bottle.  i have enough for the rest of my life probably.  i bought a dozen bottles years ago at safe way and have used maybe half.  it's so easy to make it thick syrupy excellent.  $2 each surplus.  i may use it for my pork chop.  haven't decided.  ooh..with sesame.  and noodles.

i looked for my bottle of cinnamon spices and couldn't find it.  i'll have to make a new one with cardamom and ginger.   i want to heat canned yams.  

i wiped pork chops with paper towel as recommended and electric hibachi.  wiped grill with trimmed pork fat non stick.  besides retirement best thing i got from ex.  fat rendered beautifully crunchy tender.  i wasn't hungry for meat so i cooked linguine with sesame asparagus.  toasted cheesy bagel.

stretch-daily word

 ahh...i'm senior parking lot computing for freebies.  no lucky's oh, well.  got weekend food put in cooler.  nice size fish lunch for a change tygj.  did my stretches.  slept 'til 8:30 after waking 5:30.  peggy cappy relaxing.

and i love feeling free.  

i've never before been free.  always answering to someone.  at someone's beck and call.  someone criticizing and condemning me to control me.  no one caring about me except what i could do for them.  

slow internet forcing me to pause, reflect, appreciate my uniqueness.  i'm terrific.

wow!

i checked email trash and found big lot free hand sanitizer 16.9  and michael's.  i went home to 'love boat'.  4:30 i went big lots looked for book case none.  lucky's i walked store clearance $1.02 pork chop.  i want sweet sour.  

online taxes

found it aarp.  i'll try it later.  may take some time.

xylotol cleaned me out.  i used it with lemonade.  i'll have to use less.  i added molasses to maple cinnamon syrup.  we'll see.  may be a better sweet option.  

i watched concentration while charging phone arrived seniors 11:07 picked up flabby chicken lunch, stretched, drove main to compute.  much more restful here listening to sound healing.

sitting mission

new plan get to seniors parking lot and compute.  then over to main if necessary.  huh, little person just walked by.  i've never seen one local before only tv and movies.    

i showered washed my hair wearing it in pony tail.  i feel summery.  yesterday 78 o today's supposed to be cooler.  

i went seniors 11;07 stretched picked up lunch, ate tiny tiny lasagna  then lucky's bought asparagus peas and main computing feeling frustrated.  freezing on some tabs.  my games.  and wheel has too many spaces won't accept answer.  i left them message.  i noticed my travel log incomplete since val day.  

strange new.  maybe me.  must be me i'm all i have.  i picked up holds #2 in line 3 pm.  home to 'love boat' hungry i ate chips, cupcake i forgot i had in choc cooler, peas and wasabi almonds.  i made my lemonade.  i'm ready for tomorrow.  

i'm still mourning

dream of mom and nit alien.  still hoping for maturity on their part.  i have to laugh or cry.  i need to grow up and accept who they choose to be.

i forgot

the cutting left in car until this morning while i was planning what to do with the choc roses.  i took out garbage and put cutting in avocado pot.  something will grow.

i'm sitting in front of lobby reopen main.  

cut sterling silver rose

and i finally remembered dollar store my bottle top i need replacing, needs work too long.  i'm seniors park in the shade stretched.  came after cesar 911.  had the best rice, asparagus, egg omelette with meatloaf breakfast.  took half hour to make.  

listening to 'stress free' ad for ken honda/wahei takei 'arigato $'.  what u appreciate appreciates.   parking computer reception good for 2 hours then i had to move car.  go figure.  went to main for reception.  played my sweeps.

remembered i wanted lucky's 2 for 1 fish debated which store.  decided home.  and big lots brag amino $4.  on the way i stopped wal-flora remembered distilled water.  wasabi almonds on sale bought 3 @ $5.99 ea.  i found one in the drawer.  

i came home preheated oven, foiled pans, cooked one bag.  ate fish with rice and meatloaf.  i forgot to eat lunch.  

why do i feel naughty?  

not balloons

cartoons.  all those art supplies i've been buying i can use for stories of my lives.  the ever sharp mechanical pencils that i've never purchased now make sense too.  i realized i can write temperatures on car calendar for planning day travel.

so much of my life is doing nonsensical things that later prove wisdom.  my favorite 'f-troop' episode is the one with harvey corman prussian hot air balloon general.  chief sees it shouts 'balloon!!'  makes me laugh just thinking of it.

i went dollar store for ramen.  i've eaten so much of the monopoly pasta.  unless stolen by sisters.  that's a distinct possibility.  i bless it and multiply.  today's daily word forgive.  overlook.  not forget.  mom always believed forgiveness was weak and stupid her favorite word for me.  i forgive her.  my dupe car key came apart.  when i pulled it from trunk key hole half stayed behind.  

i came senior park for the stretch.  had to drive around for internet signal.  took 20 minutes.  first time stretching hurt but then i was more vigorous and twisted.  last night i couldn't sleep, folded and put away clothes too late in day.  i have socks that don't quite match.  i looked for other pair to fix.  don't know where it is.

free associating is my way of brain storming.  de-stressing.  

i continue making tiny improvements.  i ate 4 choc roses, sorted my plastic bags, made sesame amino linguine with meatloaf.  had a fun day.

this still works

others are frozen.  i did my stretching back pretty good.  i had to drive around senior park for signal.  probably weather impact.  supposed to rain.  hot muggy overcast.  sun is hot when it peeks out.  

ok back to 3 tabs.  fiddling for half hour.  i did my wheel and aarp sweeps entries.  lucky's free guru caffeine 12 oz.  went and got clearance milk choc roses $1.  bowl of fresh fruit $2.  double points.  tygj.  i still want 2 for 1 fish.

sitting at main computing checking just 4 you.  no specials today.  went for meatloaf walked store clearance.  

best me

that's all i can logically build towards.  no amount of suffering made the world a better place.  course in miracles teacher's manual answered my questions on the crucifixion.  and beyond.  when i was married my counselor eleanor said i was projecting my insecurities on my ex and how wonderfully faithful he was.  she was projecting her own civil engineer husband onto my cheating ex.  confused me.  she had all sorts of idiot degrees.

changing my routine changes my brain chemistry.  living without a clock changes brain chemistry.  

well, la-di-da i'm eating diced sweet potato asparagus bits cooked in sesame seeds oil.  so good.

child

onward and upward.  we're programmed for survival.  we can't just do nothing.  i'm glad i chose not to bring innocents into this world.  what a mess.  and seems to be getting messier.  the thought has occurred to me that my children might have helped the mess but i won't take chances with innocents.

at least we know who the crazies are.  trump brought them out of the woodwork.  he gave them a platform to screech from.  he emboldened a pack of cowards.  king of the cowards.  he kept his promise to make america great he didn't mention he wanted us to be #1 in covid.  i'm sure he believed some how he'd rush in to save america.  

i'm a walk up lunch virgin no more.  i got so excited i forgot my mask had to go back.  so easy.  no line.  back to the car eaten at leisure.

lost all my settings again.  i talked to some s v power guys having lunch at park and everything crashed.  so i went to college safe way found hostess dark raspberry $2/8 val cupcakes.  back at senior park regaining my settings 3:17 pm. 

dw-my jubilant spirit soars!

 i talked to art walking by and i don't feel like doing anything just being.  he got his shot stadium.  

listening to guided meditations horrible annoying vocals

l'm at main being scrutinized by a pair of canadian geese.  the overcast is encouraging them to forage.  

i thought i'd have to jet to cup returns but i have 2 days.  internet is slow.  maybe i am too.  gives me the opportunity to observe the world.  and think about all the games and whether i feel like playing.  walked stretched park.  

checking e mail lucky flash sale i flashed and bought 4 cokes $.88, large cage free eggs $1.88, 3/$5 sliced cheese, bacon $2.99, and asparagus $1.47/lb.  i'm set.  i finished potato + squash.  2 yams to go.  home 4 pm i put away bins.  

i peeled and diced one.  cooked it with better gingersnap spice since i couldn't find cinnamon.  i finally found free soda.  i've been looking since friday.  i was so jazzed about delicious chocolate which i've been eating every day.  i found kombucha i've been drinking diluted.  

i'm exhausted.  i removed the liz labels so i can finally wear the silk blouse.  don't make a blouse with cheap scratchy tags.  i guess good for me to remove.  no one else wanted or could wear.  like the too long denim designer chiffon dress i hemmed.  

a productive day. tygj.

it's not working

my third attempt.  the time held but the words vanished.  oh, well.  got here seniors park and drove around finding signal.

my check light still off.  i don't know.

car is releasing my fear

and warning light's out again.  maybe eric messing with me.  i called carlos but no answer.  holiday monday maybe vacation.

i discovered bars to hang from kids part in park.  smaller diameter.  i used to take nit's boys to park after mom fed them sugar.  

11:42 am how perfect is this.  cathy called to say thanks for val card while i was missing company wondering if gerda and inge would come and eat senior lunch in their cars while we talk on the phone.  and angel cathy called to answer my prayer.  tygj.

went to lucky's for my free blue raspberry caffeine sparkling ice.  looked at chocolates 3 clearance 70 % off dark minis, asparagus, and black cherry ice.  then i remembered i needed restroom.  chili verde  pork clearance i saved $4.  i went to main to compute.  i'm going to check home lucky's.  woo 4 clearance chocolate and traded ice blue raspberry flavor to passion fruit.  

i soaked very dirty asparagus.  

dinner i heated wild rice from last week added asparagus egg and cheese.  i surprise myself.  it's still good.  i feel weird getting what i want.  nothing on tv i don't know what to do.  

sometimes chrome battery runs down overnight not always.   

i'm feeling sad and depressed my sisters or mom and dad will steal my happiness.  lori leonettii  said i was too happy.  didn't even register at the time the resentment felt so familiar and normal.  

looking back

i was reading 2017 - now written diary.  i must have spent a lot of past time as a hermit.  

i can understand folks feeling frustrated and just taking wild chances.

i came home replaced buttons on sweater, added elastic to socks and hot pink hoodie.  finally made and ate cup noodles added ham.  figured out where to place antenna rainy conditions.  i started blogging 2011.  i've been journal-ing 45 years.  i had a diary as a teen.  i never had anyone to confide in.  i was consistently betrayed and married someone familiar.  all i knew then not knowing any better.  

i transplanted 2 shepherds purse just before it rained.  tomorrow i can harvest the parking lot.

it's back on

i do my best at what is mine to do.  i pulled over after $5.46 Danny's recycle for a metal rack in the street and when i proceeded to mission lib the check light was back.  not mine to do just because i see it.  i want a world of value.  to me recycling expresses cherishing the planet and the miracle it is.  oh, maybe the gas treatment fill up.

my biggest issue with people:  ingratitude.   took 2 chill pills.

i'm sitting under the one way sign pretty good reception.  early morning shade.  i drove senior lunch at 11 the latest i've ever been.  parked on monroe walked to bars  stretched.  stress free played but nothing else worked.  back to mission.  mustard pork loin tender tho' cold.  so pleasant eating lunch to lovely music.

i'm trying to stay hydrated.  hard on computer focus.   

starting to rain. book mobile just arrived

i'm sitting at mission having dropped off mail at post.  spotty reception i'm going to park walk stretch.  

10;43 #8 55 o.  found 4 pennies under benches.  lovely overcast cool day.

good lunch at main.  

i've been watching Beatles anthology.  i just realized alien stole my childhood.  without intervention people who don't have childhoods are doomed to remain immature, warped, stunted.  she never had one, mom either.  no wonder the world is such a mess.  it's historically been run by emotionally stunted children no matter what the physical age.  look at trump.  he's killed hundreds of thousands with his covid lies.   

today's words pray for others.  i always pray for all of us.  

looking for lip balm i found pikake oil in roll on.  i have opened balm somewhere.  found one.  and lots of new ones.

toasted senior weekend sandwich with cheese added lettuce.  and now i know why i bought 2 quick microwave brownie pans.  i can use one as topper.  i'll make grits for breakfast.  too coarse for corn bread.  

i'm recapturing my childhood.  there was so much going on in the world reflected in anthology.  white album from the repression of expression when they opened music store and required to paint store front white from murals.

oh miracle!!

i put laundry in car for whenever i feel like it and 2 apples for carlos and the check engine light was off.  i went to costco 9 am got gas proceeded to carlos with apples and asked him if bulb out.  he said computer in car continues scans and it went away.  

i went to laundromat found dime 6 pennies, washed clothes dried blanket.  11 am on to seniors walked stretched.  no scs signal on to main.  

i ate good sloppy joe lunch computed.  silent unity replied!!  walked stretched.  home for 'love boat' and started slicing onions for dinner with burger and squash.  cooked potato, toasted corn bread with cheese.  hung clothes.  

spraying my mask with alcohol after wearing is keeping it fresh.  

everything is better admitting i've been lying to myself that my family's lies were ok.  they kept me sick.  i can't be around lies.  i may spend my life alone.  i'll be healthy finally.

super sunday

i love the scarcity of people.  the best day for everything.  shopping, driving, laundry, everything.  smarter planning would make a perfectly imperfect world.  i can do this.

i watched cesar 911 and for the first time the dog was moved to a more conducive permanent environment.  the 3 young children confused the dog.  success for the dog's well fare.  made me sad.  i think i tend to let too much go expecting people to self regulate but that's why we have laws, they don't.  so many of my relationships.  all probably.  i expect adults to act mature.  most aren't and i can't be around them.  my biggest mistake trying.  i give up.  i physically can't tolerate lies and the world celebrates liars.  actors and politicians, criminals.  

i asked for help.  i put in prayer request.  my only source of support.  and i spoke from my heart not my head.  i have no experience with in person support.  cathy and toke are the only 2 to reciprocate.  and they have their own problems.  

lunch i had cornbread and half the beef barley soup.  dinner i cooked carrots, potatoes mex squash with cheese and amino.  

best super ever.  i did what i wanted.  i ate what i wanted.  

plowman's plank

i finally remembered the name.  steamed potato, carrot, broccoli or squash smothered in melted cheese i ate in oak land.  took me an hour prepping veg for breakfast.  i cooked 1 c. quinoa.  strainer works great.  

life is simple, can be easy. 

you tube popped up 'i love myself the way i am'  jerry florence -alliance sung by a bunch of people not giving him credit.  ok, he died a long time ago and probably is ok with it but i'm feeling a little insulted.  i saw alliance a number of times first church religious science willow glen, san jose.  i've been blessed.  tygj.

after an hour i'm back to stress free kelly howell.   1;15 pm 82 o.  maybe weather is turning more tropical.  that would be ok.  

driving to senior park to stretch long line main on benton picked up curbside free hook carrier for my purse in car.  just what i wanted.  tygj.

i'm feeling very frustrated trying to play lotto, quiz, search.  tech problems.  why i don't trust internet.  unreliable.   

i felt so isolated

c s c went offline 2 pm yesterday.  i called main after leaving s c i t message.  she said it was being investigated.  i amaze myself recouping my settings.  

whatever the problem computer responds much faster.*

driving here check engine light i called carlos monday soonest he's leaving town.

10;48 seniors #8 58 o.  perfect day 12 minute walk stretch.  it's heating up.  quinoa fish lunch.  i want to cook lemon quinoa.

loaded and picked up lucky free cookies.  2 mgr spec coconut water $1.  paid citibank.  on the way b b b strainer.  last time there 3/22/18.  i wanted to check out s. creek boulevard.  very short block, long traffic lights.  picked up films done 6 minutes.  walked around cup center new sign.  autism change alarm.  i guess that's my funk the last few years.  tom abandoned me like his own mom.  on subconscious level my soul knew.  

*i finally got info on s v p meter unprotected so chrome will not connect.  hurrah chrome!!  i like being protected.  god has always taken care of me.  

cars are lined up st j again.  i'm feeling tired and jumpy same time.  i'm learning to trust myself.

home 3 pm for love boat.  free tomorrow and super bowl.  

i love myself.

even if no one else does.  mom dad didn't love themselves couldn't love me or anyone.  did the best they could.

i'm back at front main.  picked up my lunch, stretched, walked not in that order.  i get better stretch senior  park one inch pipe.  better leg stretch main park.  

we got veg soup.  not on menu.  i had amino wild rice burger breakfast.

i feel like sewing.

sigh

i enjoy my solitude @ main except for getting things done.  "many hands make light work."  how to make the light work for me.  i'm so classically autistic.  i'm going to walk.  and stretch.  ''make light work".  

step-1 minute plan

step-20 minute vacation

step-1 thing to do before bed towards the plan.

dropped off bag of groceries sophia's locks on gate.  wonder if she's still there.  i thought i saw her monday st j food pantry as i was leaving but without walker so probably not her.  left voice mail.  she returned call not knowing who i was.  reminded her 10 minutes.  she's ok.  

proceeded to main computing.  at 11 am drove to seniors picked up lunch 18 minute round trip.  i forgot to stretch on skinny bars.  put more cup returns in car.  

wild rice-ojibwe sacred berry.  lots of good stuff second only to oats protein.  another question answered.

4 am wake up

i ate cheerios i was so hungry.  made burger patties cooked one and heated wild rice and rest of asparagus.  i stood with back brace.  washed dishes.  i'll have to look up wild rice.  i know it's a grass but not why my body craves it.  my tummy upset like 1972.  great i have grapefruit candy.  i almost barfed one night watching tv.  

watching marlene dietrich the chemical imperative is obvious.  she plays the same woman in different situations.  she capitalized on her beauty.  she took good care of her gifts.  a good example to study.

i'm vibrating with change.  having this time without feeling driven i'm slowly getting used to it.  still feels weird uncomfortable almost painful.  i read richard pryor and understand his chemistry controlled his life and death like mom and dad.    

i went to chase 10 am and stopped st j food pantry asked john @ store reopening.  not known.  2 bags groceries 11 organic eggs, potatoes, squash, yams, 1 wet red onion, oatmeal, cans, tuna, chili, tender young broccoli, mac cheese, cookies, crackers.  hour & half to separate put away carrots, apples, oranges, lemons.

format resets to normal.  i prefer paragraph.  wee'll see.  lol.  11 am i went to seniors #10 car 59 o.  stretched picked up lunch back to park side main spotty reception drove to front.  ate and computed 'til 1 walked stretched pole 2 x different muscles.  

i went cu deposit 1;30 pm no other customers.  hurrah!!  much better than waiting for cup.  and los padres becomes henry so easy peasy non traffic route.  back to main.  i like working computing 'til half power.  

called soc sec 2;11 pm cindi sounds viet saul's day off mrs corralis has been on vacation.  cindi took down all my info again consulted her supervisor david.  looked up my account no payments actions.  will process again.  whew!! 

home a little after 3 love boat.  by the time i put everything away it was time for dinner broccoli burger 2 slices cheese.  

8;30 i'm ready for bed.

doing the best-am tires 2 lbs low ea.

i guess we all do our best to the level we're at.  all i know is i've been awake since 3:30 from a dream i'm living in heaven on a cul de sac and dead eric calls on the landline to tell me he's left senior weekend food on the front porch and when i open the door old fellow playing soft ball with his family enters to get his ball in my back yard and has a heart attack.

sitting in front of main oh, i can feel my pulse in my back.  i've already been to chase but the at-m inside is down and outside has $ limit so tomorrow too and i don't care.  old me would feel irritated annoyed and i just feel wonder.  who am i?  better than i used to be.  i'm  making incredible changes to me.  remodeling the inside.  i'm learning to be in charge of myself.  i wonder if that's how abused people save themselves?  i'm reading up on richard pryor.  he was horribly abused and continued on himself.  my biggest fear.

i watched marlene dietrich angel and see how 'normal' people function.  i guess that's my fascination with movies.  learning from a vast horizon of lives.  i watched 60 minutes and cried seeing how many people died in their prime and the families they left behind.  i have a right to feel sad.  life is tough.  

i wonder why the date and time are numbers while setting it is words.  i thank god i can distract myself.

11 am so nice at seniors warm no wind.  must the height of bars oh, my back!  left back ribs talking to me.

back at main still fierce windy.  talk about micro climate it's like two different planets.  supposed to rain tonight bright sunny now.

i am having fun playing with two finger screen control.  i ate my turkey alfredo.  good sauce yucky diced deli meat.  steamed boiled broccoli diced carrots.  whole wheat roll.  i was hungry.  i ate wild rice 2 eggs 2 slices swiss for breakfast at 7 and i was hungry.  

as i was leaving checked my e mails and remembered am tires.  called not too busy.  after went b b b to look for strainer 90 day return policy i had gift card no coupon so another day.  checked oxo web for strainers.  due diligence.  found $5 coupon dash.  

home package on porch from cathy ceramic new year ox.  pretty porcelain.  $5 postage $5 ox.  she's been covid vaccinated as teacher.