i went to chase limited k withdrawal. tomorrow i'll see if the limit pertains inside. or not. i can wait. wow! i've always been so obsessive.
i showered , exercised, stretched, changed, put wet clothes in car, charged chrome, watched boring film, picked up good lunch, came home 11:45, ate lunch. took my supplements from this morning. i cooked potato onion egg for later. i took kava passion to relax.
i'm feeling delightfully deliciously tired. a day well spent.
no idea what time i slept. tv was boring so i watched 'love boat.' felt pretty good. showered, exercised early. gamed listening to 'attract love' and 'release guilt.'
ate lunch with inga, art, hell. stomach ache. thought to go chase banking part 1. not on moon day. home rest, relax.
i woke my regular 5:30 watched 'love boat'. i made potato onion omelet. i dressed 8:30 waiting to be. i went outdoors to check porch plants. watered. since the bin was by cactus i cut a little. it was lovely cool. i filled half and moved it into street already heavy. i cut a few more paddles and it was to top. immovable.
feeling sticky i drove to G-2 after much thought debate. showered, tubed, cold pool, showered dressed. i have such resistance to the location. half mile closer. next to super safe way i walked store clearance coconut milk.
more convenient i came to library. i considered i brought p'nut butter butter and banana. i looked at Panera menu. i've been buying and eating the wrong sandwiches. not the ones i wanted. i tried online couldn't manage. drove 3 miles noon and thought i can come back to library, huh. never occurred to me. i always wanted to visit on sun day but no gumption. being out and about like gravity. i ate half roasted turkey bacon avocado and p'nut butter butter and a banana.
i filled 4 water. my regular chair occupied i went in back. better reclining chairs, outlets on table, isolated. more room to spread out and no one telling me to keep my flips on.
strange traveling pains my feet and legs.
very slow computer reminding me to go slow. and yesterday 2 snails on a can i recycled. 5 cans 1 bottle @ Saratoga lucky's.
bold squirrel on patio checking out garbage cans and people for handouts.
i filled 3 waters. wheeled, am gaming. i watched 'full moon in blue water.' i liked it. Teri Garr looks fabulous.
i don't know what i want for dinner. i could get Pan or stay in. i don't know. i didn't want to bring lunch today. i thought about it.
wow i almost forgot holds. expire tomorrow.
games not loading. helping me release obsessiveness.
soles of my feet are sore. feels pinchy.
i went to seniors early. forecast 90 o. 8 pm exercised. 10 put clothes in car, called unity no mag, got phone and chrome charged upstairs, computed. loaded free 20 oz coke lucky's. copied news article on restaurant auntie sent me. picked up lunch. wrote out bills. i forgot banking the first on sun day. i feel ok. the world didn't end mom didn't kill me. paid city bank early.
i did my shopping went to main to pick up hold this week library all open only 'til 2. i missed summer reading program June/July. when i asked they gave me summer book bag.
home 1:45. ate lunch and half sushi. mag not in mail preview. read and relaxed. aspergers anxiety.
would have been 49th anniversary.
i went seniors 8:30 showered washed hair. exercised, changed, clothes to car, computed. picked up lunch late home by noon, ate, brushed teeth, bed to rest right hip back screaming. finally got up 4:30. last 2 nights forgot hemp oil.
toke left message. we talked 77 minutes. auntie sent article on revolving restaurant ala moana shopping i'll make copy for toke she remembers too.
i'm looking up myrtle fillmore. i still feel empty. or at least not full.
relaxation is the key to change. love meditation centers on relaxation. i relax and let go of my old programming.
i showered, nu stepped 20 minutes with Trudy, changed, put clothes in car, went upstairs charged chrome computed. picked up lunch went to fruit veg store mango $1.29 lettuce $.59. cup library copied stretches returned book borrowed more 'love boat' home 1 pm. went so quickly.
i'm feeling recurring sadness for sweet baby bill. resolving the past in ebbing flowing waves. oh, well. i'm feeling anxious like i'm missing something.
i dreamed i found large yellow female and smaller red male parakeets. all i needed was cage/house. i woke up 5:30.
i went to dollar store for saltines and amber wash, 2 pineapple ear buds, tray and necklaces, 'monster family' animated. seniors showered worked out changed computed, picked up tiny lunch ate in car listening to healing love.
called care more regarding lab bill. 16 minutes on hold Anna called lab straightened out billing. 38 minutes total she'll send me urgent care list locations.
back to computer room. considered copying late book. tomorrow. thought of returning it but no more driving today.
i remembered to check mail i wanted to mail from seniors but no pick up so i took auntie's card and my ballot to drop off PO. came home feeling tired and hungry. resting taking care of me. i'm learning to love myself.
feeling sad. my fears of doing the right thing. i dreamed we were living in an updated home with pet mice in a cage. my sisters.
i loaded wash in car. i showered exercised computed. took my lunch to go and listened to healing 'love and comfort' in car. i'm feeling so excited i ate a little and felt full. i'll eat it for dinner.
i'm upstairs charging chrome. i checked discover $1850 charge from chandler. 3 hours 2 plumbers $600, $500 + parts. $700 overhead.
the healing love and comfort meditation from unity is working. i can feel anxious sad and return to center. considering how many years i was programmed to the family tradition responding this quickly is a miracle. the years preparing the soil is getting results.
A MIRACLE. THE UNITY MED IS PLAYING W/O CONNECTION as long as i stay on the page. i listened for over an hour at home. i'm focusing my thoughts on expanding reception.
every thing that breaks brings back the trauma and drama of parents dying long pain and fear filled deaths. the betrayal of neglect of my 2 sisters i don't want to accept as blood. they betray their blood. their own parents. makes me sad they didn't love their own parents. how can they love themselves when their bodies are from mom and dad.
Gavin stayed and talked to me. Mario left to another job. i gave Gavin the 2 bags groceries and we talked the cactus and cut grapes. i think concord.
i guess most people just do what they want. i puttered this morning and 9 i decided to come to sunny vale library. i registered the Rheem water softener online. i can extend the warranty by buying and using the cleaner recommended by saving the receipts.
my body feels ok. i could use some leg work the rest of me feels ok except my neck feels retracted like a turtle in its shell. i want to get home 1 pm. we'll see.
i got home 12:15 'love boat' is the marathon. hurray!! balances out my right hip. i can barely walk it hurts so much. must be a pinched nerve. didn't hurt this much when i fell on it 2014. don't know what i did. i opened what i thought was oat ice cream it was cottage cheese. i made 3 burger patties cooked one. peppered and ate the cottage cheese while the burger nuked. ate 1 chocolate cherry cookie and my hip screamed.
i found half of fry day sandwich in microwave.
i'm using repetition listening to meditations 7 x. i journeyed online to unity Hawaii. in my mind i can be anywhere doing anything. how my life would be different.
i researched sears, home advisor. hour half. i'm feeling oogy. my stomach hurts. i've been moving things around in garage to clear around softener. on top of the grocery sorting and cooking. augh!! didn't sleep much. i'm better than 2001 when alien flushed paper down toilet to block drains.
i want to throw a tantrum but don't know how. wasn't safe as a child. too much violence. expression is a god given gift. i don't know how to be cranky.
i called mike counsil plumbing no openings 'til tuesday 10-12. so i tried chandler and set today 1-3 pm. i called best bay plumbing for good measure got machine left no message.
i went to college safeway for sushi freebie water, lucky's free oat ice cream blueberries. home 1 pm 2 big white pick ups pull up. Gavin 10 yr exp Mario 20 yr. Gavin went to home depot Rheem softener and all hoses, etc. Mario removed 23 yr old tank and prepped for new. done cleaned up 4 pm.
Gavin stayed to chat Mario left to another job. i gave Gavin the 2 bags of surplus groceries some oranges apple. discussing harvesting cactus fruit noticed concord grapes. i got clippers paper bag. better than attracting squirrels or rats. i encouraged him to come back for fruit.
well, first thing i paid discover and balanced bank. i exercised washed hair. computed. picked up lunch went to st just 3 bags grocery and 2 shirts. and home before noon. i put everything away sorting what i wanted. lots of new stuff to try. i baked the frozen potato spinach appetizers. ate a chocolate cherry cookie.
the water softener isn't shutting off. it just keeps running. i called city John water dept, Suzanne Burns neighborhood improvement her contractor installed cartridge kitchen only water softener, county Rebuilding Together, 2 sears no longer in service. David cal plumber no water softener. so i shut off the water. i can't waste. too important. so of course i feel like i have to go all the time. like when alien plugged up the toilet with toilet paper. the same fear depression feeling the world is ending. inconvenient but not insurmountable.
i finally called consumer cellular 33 minutes on hold waiting. August 9 alert showed up on display. Kristin called me back on my spare phone to talk me through removing alert. not on tutorials anyway. time doesn't count toward usage.
before moving back to take care of the family i was alone and ok. i must have caught fear, anxiety, depression, loneliness like a virus or infection. or it was sublimated so deep i didn't know. i don't know. all i know is i could never depend on the family for help. a miracle i survived. and today with covid and some crazy threatened to blow up the capitol. i don't know.
i'll have to ask everyone i know and check home advisor and online. maybe that's why i always wanted a big family.
choice of 2 best spaces at 8:30. exercised stretched computed at quick lunch more computing 'til 1. new behavior new result. 5 green lights home.
today i went $tore 2 handy hangers, 2 corn chips, ramen, amber mouth wash, stickers.
got to seniors 9 parking taken. showered, exercised, stretched. computed, checked libraries, listened to love. got to lunch late sat with guys, left early. home 1 pm. new behaviors.
taking the weekend off brilliant. i can't believe it's taken me this long. no guilt no voices, tapes of the past. i'm living in the now. i slept 3 hours watched "no.1 ladies' detective agency" special features author's diary. Anthony Minghella last work. 58 years old. too young too talented. my theory of extensive travel causing cancer. disruption of the body's electro magnetic field. environmental disease.
i considered a nap. i'm enjoying watching tv. and i'm enjoying the cool inside.
i always thought of 13 as an holy number. 12 apostles and Christ. today program is auto updating, huh. and it keeps resetting itself.
i arrived seniors 8:30 packed exercise rolly went upstairs computed games, wheel, checked no freebies. 9:30 showered and exercised stretched. lunch was lovely mellow. hell brought fluffer nutters for dessert. charged chrome back upstairs playing 'til 1:30.
day off- i decided to take a day not thinking of my family. i never had a day not at their beck and call. i always enabled them. whatever they needed it was me to the rescue and my relationships were all the same. the only people i was comfortable with were the same as my family. familiar.
i'm practicing. it may take the rest of my life. there's nothing more important. i'm having my mom's nightmares. every where i live i clear the energy.
trimmed front rose directly into bin.
seniors third favorite spot. feeling slow and tired i prepped my day then went to shower and exercise. i took returns to bookmobile with 3 apples 3 oranges finished with stretching. went to lunch. they left early i sat and started computing. moved upstairs finished 1:30 feeling tired sneezing.
home still feeling tired i tried vitamin c i have a cold. sneezing runny nose went away. explains sore shoulders. settled my upset stomach too. pocky candy dated 8-26-21. i forgive myself for all mistakes i've made.
i didn't have nicotine gum all day. i forgot. kept busy.
washing dinner dishes i'm blessed to have clean water. so many in the world don't. europe is burning.
paid cost co due today. considered lucky's nah. seniors to my favorite spot. i showered exercised stretched. changed and put my gym clothes to dry in the car, got my chrome to charge and game, sweeps upstairs. online paid city too. it hasn't been this easy for over 20 years, since before moving back to care for the parents. life became so difficult in their environment. i am still grateful i never was closer.
time out for lunch good cheese enchiladas, squash, pot beans. inge left and ted came to sit down. reception cut out so i went upstairs to finish games and sweeps. i felt ok leaving. my family trained me through punishments and threats to never leave them. to always be available.
i made the best dinner. the pork i braised in tomato sauce i added to linguine with sliced olives, pickled beets with fennel, yams for dessert. so delicious. i have whole grain/nut bread for snack later if i get hungry. no more gmo chips. and i'm mixing drinks of juices.
aside from lucky's freebie, clearance pork roast, frozen dinners i rested. then nothing on tv i went to bed 7:30 'mike and molly' home marathon i rested. my body hurting in new places.
today i remembered petrol easily. 9 am i put out recycle bin. gas station moderately busy. seniors exercised mostly stretching, charged chrome, ate lunch home early. babying myself.
i'm already feeling tired and sore. came to sunny vale slightly different route. 10 am they turn on air condition so it feels hot.
i woke 5 stayed in bed watching 'mike molly' until i felt hungry. nuked spinach sesame seeds omelet. made cheese toast. watered plants, loaded recycle bin. watched my exercise ate cheese toast. made p'nut butter butter and omelet sandwiches. i brought h 203. made such a difference yesterday.
i caught part of Joan Lunden mental health on pbs. they don't get it. the stressors today are 180 from what our ancestors lived in. and the food and water quality are worse. dementia and obesity, lack of real nutrition. no survival problems in developed countries of food and shelter simple creature comforts.
oh, now i understand trump insanity. they don't have enough going on in their lives and create crises to project their fear and anxiety. when food and shelter aren't problems the free floating anxiety has to be attributed to something or someone. blame must be assigned.
the pandemic stems from the lack of farsighted thinking. unless proactive goals are set the collective mind will create problems to solve. obesity=fat thinking. the 1908 'Spanish flu' is a great example of people wishing the world to be better without taking action. like trump they tried to pretend it didn't exist.
this back limitation forces my brain into action.
my back is horribly inflamed. early home 3 pm. i found 25 cent scissors i misplaced in phone pocket. and i completely forgot i nuked corn and smelled it as i came in door.
i think i must have shattered my pelvis 49 years ago. 1977 i had a stray hit by a car with broken pelvis vet said just rest only course of action. my hips are on fire. 2 willows. my head hurts from sinuses allergy plant.
i'm not relying on nicotine as much.
took my time to $tore 3 amber mouthwash clearance 2 aqua kerchiefs, 1 jumbo gigantic plastic cup. seniors i showered, exercised on new bike. lunched with art, hell, inge. very tough pork loin, barely blanched broccoli, soggy spinach. so tasteless i ate half.
computed and charged chrome upstairs. added lucky's free caff ice, double points. loaded safe way just 4 u cheese $1.47, flash oat milk 99 cents. college safe way didn't have free antioxidant water had 5 clearance jumbo meat sticks. i was so tired from big fires bad smoky air i drank h-203 to perk myself up. i thought i started my car but didn't. i couldn't understand the car wouldn't shift move in neutral. couldn't remove key in ignition i drank half the bottle to figure it out. no oxygen makes thinking tough.
i went to homestead safe way for free antioxidant water but no combo sushi i had all cal roll. home in time for 'love boat'. didn't even think of it. tired and happy.
completely forgot about listening to 'love' and wheel of fortune.
don't know yet what i want tomorrow. because of the smoke it's cooler than previously projected.
9:30 left for post office to mail kit. parked and dropped and asked how many times pick up several no schedule. went seniors exercised stretched. lunch art, inge, hell greg her boyfriend came late. i suddenly remembered book mobile return pick up left them rice crispy treats orange from lunch. i finished lunch. hell and inge wanted sweets i gave them treats and 1 for art and maurice. i drank 2 milks that upset my stomach. i stayed upstairs computing 1:30 my stomach was better. i remembered veg store on the way to cup library and stopped for blueberries and corn 3/99. returned 7 films picked up class stretch. i left 2:30 in time for 'love boat.' i ate spaghetti. rested and recovered.
look up 'soulmen' 2008 'born under a bad sign.' 'lightning strikes twice' 1951. 'nobody lives forever' 1946.
i'm feeling so tired and sore took kava.
i exercised showered washed shampoo brush. perfect to load and brush through hair. man next to me biking was asked to wear mask. after attendant left he told me trump cured the pandemic and there's no global warming according to his science. i said he must have voted trump he agreed and asked my opinion. i told him i get my info looking at the world. he was pissed. his poor wife is crippled now. it's what he does.
i stood by door waiting for opening at 10:30 as per newsletter. jenny fur told me the seniors sitting outside ahead of me. i sat on patio strong reception 'til i wanted to go inside.
today's daily word 'pray for others.' i am.
yesterday i started leaving off back brace 'til time to drive home. working wonderfully. gives my back a chance to rest and recover.
i spent so much time and energy blocking them out. so much of me is invested in avoiding my 'family' that i feel drained. and yet i struggle to find any good times. i'm an avid archaeologist sifting through memories for emotional treasures. nit complimented me once. dad wrote me a letter that disappeared through my sisters machinations. i felt so sad witnessing the parents' decline. my sisters stayed in denial or celebrated their revenge. that makes me feel sad too.
i biked on the new senior equipment. not busy yet in the gym. the young attendants hired have so much to learn.
i feel a little anxious and different. new mantra 'love me, help me'.
i forgot today senior open 7 am. i went to main at 10 to drop off and pick up, Sara lucky's for bead and arrived seniors 10:46. came inside to check out new world.
lunch i sat separate table from art, hell, her b'friend, inge, maurice. computed upstairs 'til stinky man came in talking.
home so early to bring in bins and rest. must be something going on next door south. cars have stayed parked same last fry day.
