self sabotage

misplaced my dreaded phone.  not healthy.  i recognize.  this is a win.  i'm not ready to date.  i'm healing  my #1 priority.  he wants me to entertain him not my job.  if he wants to spend time with me make my life better easier not harder more complicated with me jumping through his hoops.  he's helping me define what i want.  i feel like an idiot not knowing.  i'm still feeling family pressure to know what i don't know.  they'd ask what i want, go out of their way NOT to give me, making up ludicrous excuses and rubbing my face in it.  HUMILIATION.

i can feel the self doubt and mistrust in my big belly.  tom was the same 1985 liar.  37 years to admit to myself.  

noon just tried to return Cathy's call.  received her card late last night too tired fell asleep how i misplaced my phone.  funny card witch riding on broom cat behind her says "i hate when she eats burritos."  inside says i hope your Halloween doesn't stink.  lol.  

he's making me think - ouch

so weird.  i didn't realize i want calm peaceful more than anything.  maybe why people follow trump thinking he's big daddy going to take care of everybody.  and why gorge is so pushy.  we have the rest of our lives and beyond.  

today is mine.  i'm watching movies. eating, sleeping, pooping, like a big old baby.  this is a test of doing what i want.  the old me 'people please r' would jump to do what everyone else wants, sacrificing my Self.  i was raised conditioned to sacrifice myself the scape goat

freebie after 3 checks

lucky's after 9 am even though mail said 6 am but it wasn't there.  8 am picked up fruit sat in car gorgis called demanding where i was.  i was on my way took my time he was waiting front door 24 hr.  went on my first date in 40 years.   

faris han gorgis

wants to take me for dinner, a drive, too fast.  i told him nothing.  he says i'm beautiful.  he insisted on showing me his cdl b'day 12/12/59.  

still processing depression

returned 'karma 2' to sunny picked up #3 and completed puzzle 2 hours.  feeling i accomplished fun.  

no idea huge depression-lunchtime earthquakes 5.1-3.1

i somehow changed the chrome format.  no headers until cursor at top and no bottom until cursor on bottom.  no distractions.  no idea what i did or how to reverse it.  i forgot chrome at home.  my fear of mistakes linked to mom killing me.  everything i failed she threatened to kill me.  when she came at me with shears to get off the phone i could feel the hatred.  

depression could be from ex marriage.  i was never lonelier or more isolated.  he was the sum total of my family.  i voluntarily married self destruction not knowing any better.  suicides.  

i'm in bed.  doris was 6 months bedridden when she fractured her tailbone.  

yesterday i forgot spare car key at home today chrome due to depression.  wonder if mom was depressed.  would explain her short sighted stupidity.  i can hear her complaining she never had nice things.  dad would always sabotage her.  every time.  

5:30 pm format changed back.  i watched jay leno trying to give away money.  

feeling depressed

nothing's  changed and i feel so depressed.  i took 2 do nothing days.  and today i found messages from star one re my retirement and i'm suddenly feeling incredibly depressed.  or maybe i wasn't aware how depressed i feel.  or i don't know.  my shoulders are screaming.  i've been carrying the weight of the family.  i'm feeling sick.  my back neck temporary relief when i exercise.  

called bart per note he left with tokes croissants on porch.  he forgot he left it.  

cheese toast b'fast

i appreciate my freedom.  i can do or not do.  i'm thinking and remembering.  i lay in bed 8 years unable to eat in agonizing pain on vicodin.  kaiser was useless.  twice i ended in emergency on i v saline anti vomit med.  remembering my back symptoms 1972 i knew how to deal with pain.  mostly i slept.  now i'm doing bed rest consciously.  when doris fractured her tailbone 6 months bed rest.  

i'm blessed.  celebrity shows 8-10.  my eyes are blurry my forehead skull hurts my back feet good go figure.

listening to my body 10/22/22 sat

started listening to you tube healing music 4 am when i woke.  like walter's support chicken calms him.  6 i was hungry made cheese toast topped shredded pork unbelievably delicious.  rested i could hear bart back yard.  i'm healing resting watching season 1 'young rock' i knew i'd like w/o commercials.  all about supportive family.  mine never loved me.  nice to see how it's done.

loaded lucky's freebies

listening to healing i realize all my friends in their version of heaven too or they leave my life.  my heaven requires peace and plenty around me.  fulfillment satisfaction.  

my back neck shoulders continue to adapt.  a new soreness.  clicking and popping.  i slept a little more comfortably.   

gym great.  seniors i puzzled before lunch and finished decided sunny pick up hold puzzled 4 hours and checked 150 safeway for freebie loaded drink found clearance rice $3.99 broccoli $1.18 just 4 me.  coupon didn't work went customer service she gave me whole $4 for overcharge.  score!!  $5 nob hill pork so excellent with balsamic broccoli.  heated senior lunch rolls bread in toaster oven.  

loveliest dream

of my own true love watching tv together on the couch wrapped in cozy blanket.  all i ever wanted.  

swim, $tore out of c drops. seniors remembered paid disc.  puzzled before and after lunch.  walter had social worker meeting seniors brought bantam hen 'mini' found 2 weeks ago.  he has 2 pigeons too.  the bird man of s c.  we visited 'til 3:30 kicked us out i remembered to pay p g e.  stopped am tires all 4 29 lbs low did rotation not pressure check.   feeling let down.

making every day fun day

taking my time enjoying that it's my time.  puzzled 'til 3 home and rest.  freebie flash safeway too late.  eh, 5 cent recycle isn't completely free.

expressing my inner child feels irresponsible

i feel guilty having fun.  it's so new to me.  having fun is new.  

bart was here cutting persimmon.  he already cut kiwi.  he's harvested quite a lot.  

i'm remodeling my back, shoulders, neck by swimming.  oh the pain.  new pain.  and i napped 2 hours.  

charging

i'm at seniors with my dell and city samsung.  i may go to sunny.  i didn't pick up hold to see what happens they sent e mail.  i have another hold ready.  second season i don't know if i saw.  

i wrote out cards to send finally after having them a month stamped and addressed not knowing what to say.  i'm becoming as the lily of the field toiling not neither do i spin.  

luxury of sunday

this Samsung chrome book has a special feature of an analog calendar.  i love i can plan better.  i think this is the same combo i turned in 2 days ago.  

going to bed 7:30 last night i'm feeling well rested for a change.  my body hurts in different places.  cheese toasts in bed.  treating myself special.  healing is exhausting.  continuous pain and cells regenerating uses a lot of energy.  

lunch i baked jiffy cornbread in puck oven had chili diced tomatoes.  TV is all about Halloween.  boring.  back to bed.  cool overcast peace filled day.  

filled out voting ballot to return to library.  thinking hard on Halloween cards to send.  stamped but what to write?  

flashback to 8 years confined to bed.  now i appreciate the rest.  

puzzled at main 3 hours passed on fire station open house and sunny library.

leisurely swim then drove to st just drop off grocery.  saw sign thrift open 10 library first.  2 movies $1.  decided upstairs considered newspaper.  looked up map to fire house open.  puzzle too much fun.  1 pm checked redwood room book sale 2 more movies used coupons.  free bag chips stale still satisfying.  checked account combo ready miracle.  stopped st just then $tree dinners snacks and home.  exhausted stomach back legs screaming worth it.  napped 2 hours a little better.  nothing on tv early night.

maybe

tomorrow book sale i can use my coupons.  i asked.  choices.  today i chose to puzzle.  only an hour today.  i turned in combo last minute atypically and came home using hot spot.  

cooked broccoli omelet with cheese 2 toast.  so tired.  exciting day.  6 am loaded lucky's free alkaline water yucky salty and trail mix.  

i accidentally turned off

i forgot i was charging went to grab chrome and hit off button and didn't care.  mom always made a federal case of everything i cringe at everything.  today i'm ok.  

excellent

i swam, puzzled at seniors went to pick up hot spot main and puzzled 1-5 so relaxing.  focused vacation from my life.  i called kathy addiego at pat never received page 2 but the computer automatically acknowledged.  she said to have star resubmit i called lina with fax number pat is a caution.  the first screw up was the deposit/withdrawal, second messed up ira roll over and now this. 

playing puzzle

i paid city reviewed star one retirement.  i'm bored feeling tired.  i do love paddling in the pool.  called star nothing yet.  i'll call pat tomorrow.  i have 'til ape.  the old me stressed trying to force everything to completion.

bart cut trees over garage

left receipt for hose $18.20.  i have 2 hoses in garage.  i made asparagus swiss omelet for b'fast paddled pool half hour.  browned chicken drained beets into yucky energy drink now delicious added balsamic to beets now delicious.  

ate energy bars cut wrapper with scissors covered ink leaky pen cleaned with alcohol lots of clean clothes.  loving it.  i love clean laundry.

checking back side yard bart wrapped hose on faucet too heavy leaking.  i'm feeling disappointed.  he wanted it to leak next to downspout.

turned off chrome

resetting is normal.  my stomach upset and back responding to doing yesterday.  bart came 11:30 after church probably add an hour swept porch fixed hose and hanger.  already paid him this month.  reminded no watering front door sticking settling uneven foundation.  

fell asleep watching concentration woke remembered to cook st just chicken.  5 lbs bones fat.  cut 4 quarters apart baked nuked.  boned ate crackings.  best part.  set out garbage recycle too.  

watching p g wodehouse

awake since 4 i got the shivers the yelling and screaming mom and dad.  now i know why i feel comforted by jeeves and wooster.  the relationships are familiar and comforting.  reflections of my ideal family with elements of earthly.  i don't feel limited and stuck.  i can turn them off.  i can pick and choose.

i loaded wash in car in case i feel like it.  left out roll-y.  pondering what i want.  8 am harris lass historical house yearly flea market.  arrived 7:46.  i can pay Citibank on the way to laundry or home or what i want.  hooray me!!  found gold dome india ring $3 lots of misc freebies.  

paid bank drove .1 back hurting walked sara lucky's and 10 i'm at wash.  filled 3 load machine and still some bags left over.  i'm here finally.  done 3 more min.  wow i could wash holiday.  i can do what i want.  what my back allows.  teaching me to take my time,  i realize if i had a relationship i'd probably revert to being a servant.  

arachnid climbing on window reminds me of sis weaving her webs.

feeling pretty good i decided to try st just pantry.  pick up quick 2 bags easy.  car full.  i saw signs yearly rummage high school church.  2 hours looked at what left second day sale.  3 bags, 8 movies, jewelry, sewing notions $20.  fun day.  

resting an hour after eating

i've been making myself digest my food calmly.  new behavior i'm practicing.  i don't always remember.  i'm improving.  all that counts.

rested after lunch puzzle.  i picked up free guru drink lucky's before gym and water with sushi after lunch.  and i'm resting at home.  and it feels like home.  i'm missing my sisters or rather who i believed they were.  yesterday nit's 67 b'day.  i feel so sad.  it comes and goes in waves.  i did so much for them.  i miss doing for them.  they were never my sisters.  they never had my back.

inner child fun

and i'm so proud of myself.  diana price wanted some sale tennis she saw on 7 news and with gloria's input i successfully ordered online.  between the 3 of us success.

came home bartolo added hose front yard.  i told him i don't want anything watered.  

2 egg smoked gouda

good b'fast.  or gouda b'fast.  couldn't sleep from standing talking to bart yesterday without back brace.  i felt ok still do.  better not well.  

part of me feeling guilt for feeling happy or content.  old program.  i deserve happiness.  everyone does however it looks unless it depends on unhappiness to others..

feeling anxious.

bart came 3:30 did 3 hours today.  i paid him 2 hours from 14 so currently 15 hrs.  mrs. adela was in truck i said hi.  she's cute and tough.  

i'm taking care of me.  i swam half hour exercising my feet.  it's amazing how different i feel.  and the difference swimming stomach or back.  i'm listening to 3 healing pages at once like my family droned on in the background of my entire life.  

freebies

4 stores.  today i found coke coffee @ homestead and popcorn @ college safeway.  a miracle.  or 2 miracles.  i had to keep changing home store to qualify for freebie.  i went to chase after the gym and decided to go to safeway since kitty corner i found free coke coffee.  deposited at mission c u and decided to check clearance at college safeway since close and found free popcorn.  i learned website saying 28 items missing means all items i've ever purchased are tracked.  i got to seniors @ 11 and wrote out bills readied cash for bartolo.   he didn't come by.  i set out all 4 green bins last night so my back kept me awake and i think i'm ok.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        i'm getting used to it.

 

   

watching john stamos

bob saget was his chosen bro like eric was mine.  makes me cry.  he lost his brother january brings back my loss 6/13 17.  mom died 5/13 01.  makes me wonder if i'll die on a 13.  her fear instilled criticism still echoes in my mind reverberates through my body.  a lifetime of torture takes a lot of re programming.  

gym wonderful.  returned all sunny library checked safeway free coke coffee and popcorn gone no dollar hagen daz flavors i wanted.  4 almonds, bread and clearance angel cake.  dollar tree beef bean burritos, dinners, 4 clearance.

'any day now'

school shooting when prey becomes the predator.  and 1980 is still with us when people say not my problem.  there is no us and them only us.  people are raised to be good capitalist predators rather than human beings.   

i finally built up the pillows on my chair.  my back is shifting i'm resting and allowing my body to restore reset.  i'm listening to my healing on my you tube.  i'm feeling deliciously unusually relaxed and happy.  i cooked spaghetti with can chicken, diced tomatoes, cream cheese or smoked gouda.  so good.