happy leap day

i've never felt more alive and together.  i'm grateful for my health and friends.  house in shambles, car a wreck i feel ok and at peace.  this is a perfectly imperfect world.  i've changed.  i love and accept this world.  the only path to lasting change.

i almost missed last 2 episodes disk 3 'just shoot me' 2001.  

this day feels like a week.  i started calling early 8 am took 45 minutes to get to senior center.  swam first time since valentines.  felt good.  bookmobile.  cody had my requests.  told him i'd see him pacific gardens i forgot thursdays at the seniors.  pfft!  out of my head.  rude annoying weirdo watched me puzzling muttering at me.  after lunch she couldn't add to puzzle made nasty snide comments like my mom and sisters.  i called hopper immediately after eating and dispatch program down call back in hour i finished puzzle.  she left in a huff.  

in my head i could hear groucho marx saying 'leave in a huff or a huff and a half.'  Don't go away mad just go away.

8 pm bed nothing on tv.  thought about trying cap one not appealing.  maybe tomorrow.  maybe.  i got e mail re hopper $1.75 charge i verified good.  

checked anthem prime OTC balance $30 not $150 so i went through tome finally found on page 71 not listed in table of contents or silver sneakers page 147.  i added.  i feel like i'm doing their job.  sloppy like burgos.  11:15 pm done.  

childhood terror-exactly 2 weeks since ka-boom

reaching down through the levels to first chakra.  i'm feeling vulnerable.  

12:35 after lunch with trudy, ken, toki, weird woman on puzzle i'm resting.  i arrived 10:30 after 40 minute wait booking ride.  i got marisa again yay!  she loaded case into hatch for me.  i've discovered i love being waited on.  yes, please more healthy happy to enjoy.  

brittney called back.  reviewed pictures but errors in police report and left turn made me at fault.  i wasn't surprised.  we live in a trump world.  i called carlos.  he's on the repairs.  

took 4 hours to get home via.  researching alternatives.  last resort yellow cab.  driver tattooed ashley kept going to bus stop.  missed calls many dispatchers.  1-5 busiest time.

i ordered potassium water softener from amazon.  rose in pp an hour trying to apply for card.  great reward program chase bank.  god in action support all over the world..  

my right toe

my back and neck are good from not carrying anything.  i moved around a lot yesterday without picking up anything heavy like mom or dad.  the most painful thing is my bunion.  

i love not having to do anything.  i'm resenting the senior center.  not toki but it's almost as if after 57 years driving i needed an excuse to stop.  toki was the first person ever in my life to defend me from helen.  

i can fix my car more enlightened about myself.  i don't have to drive if i don't want to.  i can ride hopper.  when it rains i can be chauffeured door to door.  no parking and walking.  better than handicap spaces.  people with walkers should be chauffeured.  driving uses only half the body keeping the muscles unbalanced.  ergo pain.  

i ate spaghetti-os/meatballs for breakfast.  mom said it was too expensive.  anything i wanted they didn't was impossible.  they refused what i wanted.  they denied me everything i wanted and i chose people who denied and negated me.  

drifting in and out of sleep i get it.  i'm re balancing 1999.  especially hellish due to the interference of my parents' other daughters making them sicker.  i got no rest or sleep.  they tortured mom and dad and therefor me.  i had to cope with the fallout.  

ah, feet are transportation stepping forward.  

'just shoot me' tv 1999 dad died

trump and steve harvey.  so much air time again.  celebrity is a necessity to them like the sun.  without attention they'd wither and die.  

so much going on inside me.  

9:30 am called scpd re report talked to chris officer burgos noted differences.  then called brittney 10 she probably doesn't start 'til 11 am pst new jersey time difference so she works 'til late.  

reborn

i'm having the weirdest dreams not knowing where i am feeling safe for the first time in my life.  i'm sleeping like a baby waking every few hours and drifting back asleep.  

noon i called bartolo for ride to sunny he was busy, available 3 pm.  picked up 3 returned 2 movies.  100 piece puzzle of planets.  stopped big lots free 12 oz water i wanted spaghetti-o meatballs.  lucky's free liter zen water i wanted salad mix and 2 clearance $1.49 manana water.  everything i wanted.  i gave bartolo choc shake to try.  home 4 pm exhausted.  put everything away.  ate fish stew with bread.  

i don't know what i'm feeling

i'm looking at aarp tips to de-clutter.  i'm starting small looking for things i've hidden in the mess.  the only way to hide the things i value from my sisters.  i fixed roller case handle.  

i ice picked 3 pieces of frozen pollock crock potted with diced tomatoes.  i cooked onion then carrots then potatoes separately.  so good.  topped with tortilla chips heavenly.  

i'm drinking barley and coconut almond milk.  i bought clearance assortment and due to lack of car i'm using all i stocked up.  i have so much water from car storage.  i had it stocked for emergencies.  i never did it before eric died.  depression and my thieving sisters triggered a perpetual alarm.  

i called walter 5 pm to apologize leaving seniors abruptly.  i was exhausted.  so tired today i forgot i could use hopper 9-5.  slept and ate.  

watching 'christmas lucky charm'

sweet.  i'm too independent.  i'm not needy enough.  i survived being dumped on my 5 year older sister, losing my grandma who took care of me from birth when mom decided to intervene in my life.  mom and dad were so jealous.  every man in my life was a repeat of no one loving me more than loving them.  all my relationships have been competitions.  not relationships at all.  

hopper was very busy.  late going and coming home.  and today tyroon drove into parking lot.  

i got to seniors at 10, stored my things in locker room.  i walked to the post office bought a sheet of 2024 dragon stamps, mission library i returned movies.  new librarian minnie.  16 minutes walk back.  lunch trudy and kenny saved places.  nice to relax.  toki and fred.  lunch was good meatloaf, mash gravy.  i remembered little water.  i won snack bar, 2 tops one new.  walter showed up i left bingo early.  i picked up prepaid turkey sandwich lunch.  i returned cathy and carlos calls.  she got my card spent time emergency.  he sent pictures of car damage.  walter talked to inge and helen.  time for home shared ride.  

3 am

i get to do whatever i want.  being alone has it's advantages.  it can sometimes feel lonely and yet it's pure freedom.  being married to the wrong person was lonelier.  i worked my way out learning my marriage was the result of my childhood.  

when i lived in gilroy ray bradbury lectured at gavilan college.  3 am is when he liked to work, the quietest part of the day with everything else asleep.  he had a filing cabinet.  plain black nondescript.  when he had a thought to save he filed it.  i wonder how he found what he wanted.  

10 am waiting for carlos to come take pictures.  i have all the info on a post it and i'm keeping track of their time.  i called citibank trying to view credit online.  they verified phone but i have to wait 2 days but news tv att phone lines down so could have been that.  

finally carlos knocked on door while i was checking freezer.  he already took pictures i gave him email info he took more pictures.  

'you may be right'

everyone believes they're right no matter the actual facts.  

after lunch which i couldn't eat for depression i downloaded and printed police report marking the discrepancies and called brittney jeffers csaa adjuster.  i'm probably romanticizing her job but she's like a detective putting together the pieces of what happened.  so the more info i can get to her the better.  toki was very subdued as if bad memories.  she never talked about her accidents other than that she's been in a few no details.  

i happily puzzled after setting up with carlos for pictures and e mails.  i called for hopper 20 minutes but tyron indian 15 minutes late and refused to drive in parking lot i walked to street curb in sprinkling rain.  then he talked on his phone most of the ride.  i was glad to say good bye.  

i prayed with silent unity, overloaded my energy

screen went black lost settings.  and i'm ok.  i'm still here.

i deserve happiness.  i'm ignoring everything else.  makes me sad when people lie and blacken their souls.  i happily give them to God.  and trump because of how he was raised believes he's right.  

the story of cain and abel when God asked cain about abel God already knew.  

2 am i'm still feeling upset, still human.  i have lots of movies and natural remedies kava, passionflower, beet, willow, melatonin to change how i feel naturally and silent unity phone prayers.  i'm no longer alone.

ready to start my day

stomach hurting from prepared oatmeal.  too much sugar.  even added plain.

hopper great service so far.  9 minute pick up.  i like being dropped off right in front of senior center.  no parking worries.  most people glad to see me back.  i showed them my bruised knee and arm.  ann in locker room reminded me bookmobile on thursday.  i don't have to walk the mile to mission library in the rain without a hat.  

10 pm i viewed police report she lied said i hit her even though anyone can clearly see from damage to the cars she hit me.  officer burgos chose to omit rain, witnesses walking in rain with umbrellas.  well we live in a trump world.  

voice mail pick up 3 am for 3 pm appointment

i called all the phone numbers since 7 am.  i have to wait until 8 am pacific which i don't understand when i'm calling all over the world all time zones.  i'm a simple soul.  may in the phillipines corrected the scheduled ride took 8 minutes.  i'm feeling humiliated.  all the things i can't do.  

my neck, right hip, headache right temple, i'm so uncomfortable.  my aspergers is screaming.  i took kava, willow, beet, passion.  an hour i'm relaxing, calming down.  5 days since accident more symptoms showing up.

10:10 called unity customer care phone id i didn't have to suffer phone tree.  changed mine to large size auntie and cathy getting daily word.  

watching 'birdies' just what i need.  a ridiculous golf movie.

3 pm uber robot called 4 minutes before pick up.  new stuff.  my butt hurts, neck, shoulder, right eye twitching.  i feel stiff, hard time maneuvering.  sitting waiting.  out of car my blood pressure 191/90.  half hour after accident 149/58 looking pretty good.    

finally wi-fi inside nob hill. turned in hot spot 1/5

i spent a half hour looking for a hot spot in parking lot.  i walked store and sign for recycle up to 50 cans or bottles $2.50.  i called bartolo he's 75 he drove me to sunny i picked up hot spot.  he didn't park where he said.  ha ha.  i'm exhausted.

2:30 i'm finally hungry.  i've been too upset.  3:30 peas, hummus, carrot, tomato, celery, sprouts clearance and v sausages so good.  from my childhood.  i ate grapefruit and chips.  restoring myself.

2/14/24 an unforgettable valentine

it started a usual day with swimming, puzzle, lunch.  a lot of candy.  last night pat sajak talked about his wife annoyed he confused halloween and valentine, both are candy centered.  and hilde lots of lunch leftovers.  i got 2 containers from car for peas and an extra meal.  i puzzled and drove to sprouts as it started to rain.  i walked store.  nothing i wanted.  i drove toward library, crossed san tomas, waited for traffic to clear to turn on las palmas.  raining steadily traffic was heavy, cars stopped to clear intersection so i started turn.  woman with her 2 teen granddaughters white tesla speeding in rain in bike lane hit me on right side front shifting frame 4 inches.  i couldn't open driver door hinge broken.  about 3:30 half hour for emergency to show up 4 pm, police took pictures and report, emt took my blood pressure 149/58 pretty good considering my ordeal.  and monitored oxygen finger clip.  i'm pretty shaken.  i called carlos mechanic who advised me to tow it home by csaa carlos and i'm pretty sure it's totaled.  i called toki for advice.  julie csaa accident claims advised and informed me on procedure.  i'm thinking about renting a car or calling for rides.  huh.  i'm definitely taking tomorrow off.  7:14 pm officer burgos # 36 called for my policy number.  i hope the pictures he took of car damage came out better than my info on his phone.

10 pm i called silent unity for support.  i'm still buzzing.  my knee hurting, chest sore from seat belt, headache.  

2/17 sat.  i've been busy organizing medicare rides to the doctor and local hopper rides.  toki called to check on me provided the phone number.  2 hours on the phone setting up an account south africa, 2 calls to phillipines.  i'm exhausted.  many bizarre nightmares.  3 days recovering.  carlos came yesterday after missed calls 15th.  he advised me to call state farm and have them take pictures of my car.  tesla has 360 camera that only showed footage after impact.  doesn't sound right.  carlos assessed damage sent pictures to repair guy.  thinks 3k.  advised have state farm adjuster take pictures.  if they offer 5 k to fix or 6 to junk.  1/12/22 tow truck driver also carlos.

yesterday mail 97 auntie's daily word  booklet came with mine.  i know she's gone.  toki astonished senior center knows.  omeed is a gossip.  everyone asked her.  

happy aaron

 i want to check savers.  

lovely lunch abe lincoln

i may wait 'til after valentine for cookies.   too many outsiders at lunch today.  thomas, melvin, diane.  i forgot to mail HI valentine cards.  oh well, i made them out yesterday.  

as the mood moves me

11 am i wanted long raw silk dress took me awhile to find.  i wore leopard shirt and tennis shoes.  warm.

cup library i took returns in case and muppets requested.  i picked up holds and double 'just' i cancelled one i took to desk.  i checked libraries online and drove to sunny early.  i sat in the car then walked around the back parking lot.  they removed the offices.  returned 2 picked up 1.  charged chrome and i finished round word puzzle 4 pm stopped at sprouts.  herb already dried out gone.  went in 30% off peach pie.  

i forgot to eat lunch.  i opened canned lentil soup over lettuce greens with steak.  half poppy muffin dessert.  peanuts, chips.  

i bought lunch from senior snack bar.

i used bingo win.  tohir is working for credits.  he gave me peanuts, crackers, ham cheese sand, chips, water, p salad, banana.  reminds me mom never made my lunch or gave me lunch money like the sisters.  the universe is loving me.  sprouts lettuces 99 cents.  someone left can vienna, 2 very green bananas, peach cup, cherry turnover, fork spoon.  perfect since tohir forgot utensils.    

library so calm listening to healing, eating lunch digesting it all.  taxes very full, busy.  

puzzle table maryam 7 more like 10 and aisha 6 more like 2 introduced themselves.  their mother dumps them and goes online.  i apologized to them for the lack of a mother and when they are old like me they can have their happy childhood.  aisha begging for attention wrecked puzzle.  done for the day.  i don't have to suffer trying to put up with discord.  

lack of hot spot ok.  

i rested, living for me in the fireplace chair with feet up.  renewed i fixed the puzzle.  library closed 4 home at 4:30 i finally remembered the perfect steaks.  i dredged in cinnamon and grilled on electric hibachi sitting in living room watching tv.  heaven.  washed immediately easily.  delicious sliced steak green salad honey mustard dressing.  heated hibachi to dry thoroughly.  put away voila!  

made it through another week

 i won $5 snack bar and picked chopper and exchanged it for cookies.  yay! me!!  

oh so good

i have so much.  seniors lunch was good company fred and toki.  lonesome melvin desperate to make friends.  i remembered cookies and snack bags.  i started new puzzle and forgot short day.  i went to sprouts bought 20 % off cherry pie and 99 cent ice cream 2, and camembert cheese 2 looks just like brie but not as tasty.  library i puzzled 'til 5:30.  it's funny i have no desire to go to savers.  

hilde offered to give me 3 fish lunches but den and chinese lady were there and i only wanted one.  then i took mix veg and can mushroom soup, cut up cooked chicken, potatoes and onions.  

post disappeared. i was having more fun!

my remote disappeared this morning too.  i was watching 'the dial of destiny' and i wanted to pause and i looked everywhere, moved everything, crawled around looking under everything and like magic gone.  and i'm ok.  last year i'd be sick.

i go to sprouts in the afternoon when they markdown.  mornings they started taking off 20% then if it doesn't sell bargain.  nothing i want.

came home found it!  remote was under blanket.  how it got under there i don't know.  my back was hurting i'm listening.  i stopped at nob hill to pick up ads and 59 cent 4 burritos.  i forgot i could connect and update at nob hill.  

seniors 8:30

i swam, puzzled, lunched roast beef sandwich and got leftover veg pasta, and puzzled 'til 5:30.  wheel wouldn't load.  i checked sprouts 3 vegan cheese 99 cents ea 7.5 oz.  home 6 pm.  such a lovely day.  i melted 3 slices on left overs for dinner.  pretty good.  

chinese new year

i drove to cup library through torrential rains and winds i could feel the car shaking.  exciting i've never experienced.  i couldn't find half my returns, looked through car and trunk.  drove home nothing must be in trunk found it drove back to library problem with checkout alicia gonzales looked and will trace.  last year i would have been sick, this year i'm ok.

arrived at sunny for 2 pm lion dance so no parking.  i had to park by police city hall.  i've never seen a bigger crowd.  i drove around and around hundreds of cars.  spaces blocked off for performers.  lots of asian families with infants, toddlers, young kids.  so cute.  i stood in p f chang speedy line for lettuce wrap and salad.  i charged chrome listened to healing and puzzled 'til 4:30 then home i watched "royal family" created produced by eddie murphy.  an exhausting day.  

seniors swim-i've been thinking how every civilization imploded from its own weight.

sprouts clearance substantial turkey dinner $1.86 and 2 cooked breasts 99 cents.  i put into freezer bags in trunk.  i ate for lunch and dinner with pie, so much turkey 3 x senior lunch.  I am full of sugar.  i napped from 3-8:30.  i watched grio awards.  so satisfying.  and wheel.

i can sit in the warm tub at seniors and reflect on how the greeks, roman and english empires all rotted from within and that's what trump is the instrument of america's destruction.  the evolution of human behavior to destroy democracy.  

6:37 oh my back

i did too much too late.  b'fast the third cooked fish steak.  

picked up free water lucky's and corn chips for guacamole.  i want to keep my corn chips.  checked out sprouts, seniors i showered, puzzled, lunched.   because of bingo served early so didn't get a chance for chips.  everyone late.  bingo i won late so snickerdoodles.  walter showed up late i still had to deposit.  

and walked sprouts.  new policy of 20% off until afternoon then $1.99.  

time for pants

i started wearing skirts and dresses because of mobility issues.  i'm doing better.  i'm feeling better.  not wracked with pain.  occasionally when i eat the wrong thing or do something careless.  and i had to be the boy in the family so i had to wear pants.  

carlos at 1 pm waiting for engine cooling for oil change.  then mail bill @ post office, withdraw at chase, main return hot spot.  and maybe savers.  or deposit.  or pay bartolo.  a full day.

i went chase then straight to savers so much to see.  yellow tags half off bought another suitcase $5.  glasses frame cracked broke i found possible fix.  3.5 hours i could look everyday.  library i found 2 quarters copy room, puzzled half hour, turned in spot.

st on the way home 3 boxes pantry i took 2 bags of frozen pollock, beets, celery.  stewed 3 pieces in honey mustard so good with chopped salad.