and today internet seems ok 7:57 am seniors-but what do I know-free pizza

5 minutes to pre pool shower.  opens 8:30 today closed all next week to pay for 49'rs stadium.  $125 mill here $65 mill there.  we could use 2 mill easily.

no st just lunch due to Monday Labor Day holiday I don't know.  I miss their lunch.  in a box with fresh veg I scored 2 celery which I wanted and yams to roast and a can of spaghetti sauce.  so I have my protein shakes.  I stopped at Sprouts 6 CBD seltzer and gummies, 99 cent cauliflower and greens.  nothing else appealed to me.

I 'm so used to being denied like little Aaron I wait to make myself uncomfortable like my childhood.  I stress myself.  

i'm re reading 2018 i'm fascinating.  so much anxiety.  angst.

I'm also hungry.  I have pasta tuna in the car.  Mac nuts, dried cherries, jerky. i'm  fulfilling my own needs.  filled full.  

3:57 pm I decided to pick up my hold and drop off 2 puzzles at sunny library and the pizza fairy left 8 pizzas in boxes in shade in front of library.  I had big bag for puzzles fit perfectly.  homeless guy complained cold pizza.  made me laugh.  I was wondering about Monday lunch.  med veg individual cheese.  confirmation I'm on the right track.  I drove the easy way.

better connection?

it's doing weird things.  changes in attitude, changes in latitude.  

epiphany:  Walter's lack of respect for his happiness reflects his lack of respect for my happiness ergo i cut him loose.  3 gals disrespected me in line today, i release them also.  lin, little gloria, ugly.  simplify.  

my happiness is paramount.  home 3:05 for people puzzler.  

relax

10:50 remembered bookmobile

last eve I went to cup library 72 degrees.  coming home tire pressure light came on I detoured to Costco and asked for filling help.  Andrew was patient I asked how long I can drive before damaging tire he said a few days ok.  and he asked how light came on.  blinking means sensor can't find it, could be battery replacement valve stem.  they need replacement 8-9 years.  huh.  then I thought about before sensor lights we just checked every six months.  

doing what i want

6:30 pm I found a crochet magazine.  i'm feeling inspired.

wheel "embarking on a new chapter" which doesn't make sense.

awful-i-zing

my family won the gold medal at "gee, ain't it awful."  Walter and his dad were small potatoes.  my car insurance came ok.  

i'm making myself happy.  I had some blueberry pie and Swiss cheese for b'fast.  YUM.  and I got extra pasta chicken lunch to eat 3 pm.  Aaron and mom stuck on puzzle.  I put in a dozen pieces and she started hogging the table.  an hour to put in 3 dozen.  then missing piece too late to be careful.  I told her cleaning crew will throw out anything on floor but she never checked.  how many times I cleaned up after them.  at least he gets to go home and eat.

WOW new puzzle coming out 5:20.

today would have been my 52nd anniversary-CRASH!!

it took me 13 years to divorce them.   i'm feeling so sad.  so much unmourned detritus.  I've been putting out fires for so long I forgot how to live.  or mourning just wasn't allowed.  controlling emotions is the simplest way to manipulate people without them being aware.  Trump does it so well.

next week is dad's 25th year death day.  this week my sleep issues are coming up AND I figured out the CBD allowed the bad drivers I avoided for 57 years to finally hit me.  I got vulnerable.  I let my guard down.  Alien has been figuring into this with surrogate Alien at the library 5 and half Aaron.  I pray for him.  I have the time now.  dad's last year was hell for me with Alien manipulating and maneuvering mom and dad.  

Walter came to lunch.  takes courage to keep on keeping on.  he's doing better.  still focusing on the past, quicker to stop, not trying to laugh it off.  i explained the chemical memory survival imperative.  again.  

CRASH!!  took an hour to retrieve settings.  I don't know.  I was using center's e mail and had chrome open too.  so frustrating I don't have text on my phone for code.  

I'm motivated to change

 life is change.  death is dead.  no change.  I swam and ignored Dave.  he accused me of outer space, I said inner space to his confusion.  he's now telling all the tub guys his wives were psychos without connecting the fact he chose to marry them.  

I went to St Just for lunch 11:30 I ate at main cafe.  I read magazines.  upstairs puzzle I expected tiny bad mother.  Aaron is 5 and half no school.  shakes his head doesn't know alphabet nods he knows numbers.  I read to him, told him about graphic novels full of pictures.  he may be autistic Barry Neil Kauffman Son Rise.  his mother another Alien, children are for her convenience.  3 pm he still hadn't lunch.  she claims she cooked at home.  no wonder he's so skinny makes me wonder if mom starved me too.  set up future diabetes sugar roller coaster.  it hurts me to watch the poor little guy going through my torture.

sunday 9:30 i can't stay awake.  I keep falling asleep.  I dearly want to watch "sweet little beet" Bullwinkle cartoon.  beet has 2 abusive sisters and chooses them over a new life.  real human behavior choosing the devils she knows.  fell back asleep 'til 12:30.   made tuna sandwich.  with chips heaven.  

I'm better. almost forgot to return SPOT

I picked up freebie cooked pasta and sauce, grapefruit wine and double monopoly.  online Safeway salad $1.5 and I have lunch peaches for salad and walnuts.  

I slept ok.  

I got to second elevator and returned SPOT.

acting childish

skinny pasta 9.52 freebie tomorrow I decided to return spot after.  gave Cody fruit.  

hey, I remembered to brush my hair.  win for me.  

i saw Dave in the tub and pretended everything was ok and it is.  the beauty of dysfunctional people.  gloss over everything give it beauty.  

spent the day at main after finishing puzzle missing 1 piece.  put away and put out Van Gogh cafe puzzle.  played on 2k puzzle.  poor kids of immigrants.  they have no childhood like me.  their parents are treating themselves and abusing neglecting their kids.  

lovely cool ride to cup library at 6 pm.  I played and picked up burritos and tomato sauce at lucky's, walked big lots.  came home 8:30.  

oy, what a day.

good day

 Dave ran away.  

walter day

he showed up stand by lunchtime.  computer glitch reservations messed up so he got sandwich bag lunch.  another hen died.  he came to seniors a great sign.  so I stopped his obsessing reminding him a new life requires a new him.  if I can save him 10 minutes of self torture it's worth it.  I sat with him 3 hours letting him know he doesn't have to entertain me or waste his energy on the past. he has choices.  he's not doomed unless he chooses the past which he has a perfect right to choose.  not everyone wants happiness.  it's a free country.

happy monday brought leftover groceries to seniors

 I considered St J didn't feel right.  i left them in the park.  i had a snack at 10 in the rose garden.  wraith couple at upstairs puzzle table I can wait.

Dave had a meltdown in the tub.  i wondered at his level of anxiety.  he believes Trump's lies DNA tested Mexicans for sex trafficking.  still hates his ex, is comforted by wanting to believe.  even though trump repeatedly molests women.  my instincts are good.  page 21 adult survivors of toxic family members familiar lies are comforting feeling safety in the devil you know.

i'm free.  his book will still change thinking patterns.  after lunch I considered what I want to do.  cup library and Walmart.  Toki buys her corn nuts at trader Joe.  I wonder if they have CBD?  and dollar tree for mileage log.  not important only convenient.  

I finished one puzzle at central.  I'm waiting for 82 to cool.  no game shows tonight democratic convention 'til friday.  I talked to Cody at central looking for books.  he mentioned bookmobile karaoke for Elvis Presley's death day i'm even more famous.  I told him senior desk complimented me.  I love maniacs who make me laugh.  there's a bunch online I couldn't find mine.

old programming

I'm feeling blah.  I moved a lot with brace yesterday and today I took out garbage and recycle feeling restless.  so much I want to do without forcing or torturing myself.  it's supposed to be cool today.  maybe later.  I'm practicing the balance between being and doing.  

i cooked veg meatballs in the malfunctioning toaster oven are delicious.  5 per serving.  I've burned so many things in it it's nice it's working for me.  

I considered cup library and Walmart and decided later.  today is totally me, all about me.  totally new me.  

i'm feeling so afraid of making a mistake.

I'm feeling life or death.  unlike video games or maybe like video games have a reset button.  play again.  reincarnation.  huh.  I haven't had b'fast I want to sip my protein shake while soaking in the tub.  Mananalu lime water is so sweet.  new little dark girl lifeguard can't read, she assumed sign saying no glassware pictured means no drinking anything.  

Dave showed up 10 am.  chatted 'til 11.  I considered a 3 hour tub record, nah.  I wanted lunch.  St Just pantry since no elevator library parking.  only single sandwich.  I was so hungry.  home noon they froze the fresh strawberries a mess I prepped and ate plain.  still delicious.  

I watched a boy and his dog 1975 and 1944 gaslight.  classics.  

no swim lol

I picked up free Gatorade water, checked burrito and Mac treat supply at lucky's.  seniors I showered went to closed pool.  I forgot it's Friday.  I love feeling so relaxed I don't care.  

i'm reading Dave's book.  the errors and typos keep me alert.  perfectly imperfect.  I learned a new word: pg 24 inerrant, infallible, without errors.  (coincidence pg 24 ACIM text prayer.  I don't think so.  a miracle)  

I am here only to be truly helpful.  I am here to represent Him Who sent me.  I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because He Who sent me will direct me.  I am content to be wherever He wishes knowing He goes there with me. 

I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal.

csaa car insurance e mail.  oh,oh.  

I'm an indoor cat

the air is making me cough.  the lack of breathable air makes me feel sick.  as soon as I get indoors i'm ok.  outside is toxic.  I need oxygen.

I talked to Dave an hour in the tub then Cody bookmobile.  I returned the healing book missing pages 5-8.  

home 1:45 after walking sprouts.  season 7 love boat.  I'm loving myself.

today I am at peace

I've never felt so peace filled.  I soaked in the tub 2 hours this morning, had lunch, played on the puzzle and soaked 4-6 pm.  I'm the most relaxed I've ever been.  I have hope for the world knowing real peace for the first time in my life.  

changing my brain-WORLD PEACE

reading Dave's book I can feel a shift.  since we have two poles it's possible.  now there is peace on Earth and it has begun with me.  

AWESOME.  writing reminds me of Course in Miracles.  CIM written iambic pentameter.  lol  gave people trying to memorize it headaches.  people like to quote scripture to beat others about the head.  

still feeling tired

I showered at gym at 9 new cleaning procedure 8-9.  I love taking my time.  feels luxurious.  leisurely drive to Cupertino library 10 minutes early.  returned some movies outside some it wouldn't take.  i'm enjoying my day.  never said that before.  

11 am I was feeling hungry, surprise too sweet beef jerky, I have contentment.  how PERFECT.  took me 2 hours to read People magazine.  I don't know how I did that capitals.  looking online i'm inspired to research healing depression.  specific steps to healing.  

lots of options today

talked to Dave in the tub.  best secret in town.   no one here yet.  he's led a very dramatic life.  he wrote a fiction book bully patrol working on world peace.  looking for it online page 14 Goodreads and page 16 on Amazon.

so many options today.  city wide yard sale, Northside anniversary.  i bought my 4 lightly salted chips at Safeway.  I picked up lunch at St Just and ate at the library cafe.  Heaven.  

I relaxed and read 2 books on healing.  I borrowed looney tunes movies.  I went all over the library.  2 pm I was exhausted.  home and rest.

seniors 7 am

puzzle, lunch, puzzle to digest lunch, paid Costco and picked up freebie at lucky's plus clearance tuna, blue cheese olives, 2 BLT salads.

2 nights I slept through

1997 probably the last I slept normally.  dad waking me and then the post traumatic stress.  my nightmare childhood into old age.  the extra protein Ensure, the ashwaganda, passionflower, CBD, additional tub time I don't know or care just keep improving and i'm happy.

I'm having more fun

puzzle and enjoy the air conditioning.  I'm not used to such luxury.  practice makes perfect.

took the day off

I considered sunny sewing but too hot 91 degrees I went to main.  sprouts clearance ham sandwich $1.99, greens .99, mango lillikoi $4, chicken tenders.  came home 7.  

an hour to finish senior color puzzle

and now to soak.  savory snack for b'fast.  

eureka found macadamia

I spent since 6:30 organizing groceries and bills.  important life details.  

I ate tuna jerky for b'fast.  not good but better than too sweet jerky.  I watched 'ghostbusters frozen kingdom' ok to somewhat good.  I didn't shut it off.  

what I want to be I don't know.  I've been a counselor.  God pays very well.  i'm finally calm.  I keep remembering being a happier me makes the universe a happier place raising the vibration.  I only need to be happier.

I am already what I need to be.  maybe I need a nap.  I ate a bear claw sugar rush.  I kept busy organized chase, bank, life insurance papers I haven't for 2 years and the world didn't spin out of control.  I always felt gloom and doom.  

lunch rainbow greens and tamarind pulled chickens.  napped 2 half hours.  dinner arugula micro greens and hash.  just what I wanted.  the happiest i've ever been.

oh, what to do no plans

woke hot sweaty, uncomfortable, restless.  maybe the horrible 'Dating and New York.'  yuck, I'm so glad i'm beyond dating.  

first b'fast.  avocado and butter sandwich and my vitamin supplements.  I let go let God I arrived seniors 7:55 organized car.  I puzzled 'til 9, showered, considered cup star one deposit and library.  I didn't want or puzzle.  then Sprouts no lunch, deposit @ Merriwest.  2 sale CBD seltzer, 2 CBD gummies, Mauna loa rocky road, sale beef jerky high sugar.  ooh with micro greens.  got to st just 6 minutes to spare for lunch pick up.  scored almond pastry.

main library cafe busy.  read my ARIGURUMI books.  crocheting fanciful animals.  upstairs i finished sea puzzle at close.  4 pm 86 degrees 40% humid.  I want cup movie 'ministry of ungentlemanly warfare'.  no parking regular side, around front in sun.  eh, I can always eat my ice milk.  

I love love love the quiet company.  no bitching, moaning, complaining.  they want me to feel sorry for them I just get annoyed.

oooo, bad air quality best to stay air conditioned.  and hydrated.  stayed 'til closing 6:30 time for wheel and car in shade.

banking-today

I love living relaxed.  I picked up my free peanut chew at Lucky's and 2 clearance chicken bacon Cesar salad for $1.98 or I could have bought 1 same price, go figure.  came seniors smelled orange looked all over found it in gym roller the one I forgot to give Toki.  a science experiment dissolved on swim I will wash.

ate one salad with a peach so delicious I offered to Marie Walter's friend no or Sydney.  I have another peach.  I'll wrap it in wet towel.  b'fast was ensure drink.

I'm pretty happy content.  despite the bad air I could enjoy living like this.  

Trudy and Kenny held the lunch table.  Fred, Mike and a Melvin.  Toki very late.  Meatloaf and mash very popular.  Sprouts close out $4 moana loa mango lillikoi today.  if i had freezer space i'd fill it.  healthier not.  CBD seltzer on sale.  

I went to Flora chase for banking.  I prefer indoor ATM.  and I want it used.  I want to deposit cup tomorrow.  

seniors very early/survived another july

like 2008 when I couldn't walk and had to get the closest parking.  one obstacle handled.  my wins were miniscule.  I made the most of what I had.  I was too sick to deal with anything.  all my energy I focused on staying alive.  I didn't know about back braces or use rolling gym bag.  and now I rest hour and half in tub relaxing, stretching.  

10 am Cody gave me book bag and pub pint glass perfect for pens.  I made scrambled eggs and onion sandwich so perfect.  only thing better chips.  ooh, i'll add avocado.  lunch pork fried rice extra and Fred gave me pork.  

Walter came by Minnie died.  his counselor didn't show on vacation.  he was cuddling tootsie.  

I commiserated he cried I left, remembered to mail life, took Carlos avocados, he put up metal security door, home 3 pm.