THE END OF A LONG MONTH

I FEEL LIKE SIX HAVE GONE BY. 

SO HUNGRY

BACK ISSUES ARE LACK OF SUPPORT. 

MY BACK SENDS HUNGER SIGNALS TO FILL THE LACK IN MY CHILDHOOD.  THAT AIN'T GONNA WORK. 

I LOOK AT THE OBESE PEOPLE AND WONDER AT THE AMOUNT THEY EAT.  I EAT A LOT.  I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW MUCH THEY CONSUME.  ENOUGH TO FEED AT LEAST TWO MAYBE THREE. 

TODAY'S DAILY WORD I PRAY FOR OTHERS.  AND MYSELF. 

TODAY IS FUNDAY

WHY ISN'T THERE A DAY OF THE WEEK CALLED FUNDAY? 

I THINK THERE SHOULD BE.  OH, LOOK {}.  LITTLE MUSTACHES. 

I WANT EVERYDAY TO BE FUNDAY.  AN ENDLESS STREAM OF FUNDAYS AND THEN I DIE.  ON TO HEAVEN AND MORE FUNDAYS.  I'M REREADING CAN'T WAIT TO GET TO HEAVEN.  I'M SO GLAD I KNOW HOW TO SPELL HEAVEN.  I USED TO THINK IT HAD TWO A'S.  HEAVAN.  I COULDN'T REMEMBER.  NOW I KNOW.  DIFFERENT FROM REMEMBERING.

8 YR OLD ME

I LOOKED AROUND ME AT MY FAMILY AND THEIR FRIENDS AND DETERMINED THE WORLD WAS CRAZY.  WHICH MEANT I HAD TO HIDE MY THOUGHTS OR BE CRUCIFIED.  MY MOM WAS GREAT AT PUNISHING ME FOR EVERYTHING.  I LEARNED THAT EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT. 

I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD.  I MADE HER MAD.  I MADE EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD.  GAVE ME QUITE A SENSE OF POWER.  I DIDN'T KNOW HOW I DID IT BUT SHE INSISTED AND SHE HAD THE POWER OF LIFE AND DEATH OVER ME SO WHO WAS I TO ARGUE.  I'D ONLY LOSE. 

THEY COMPLAINED ABOUT EVERYTHING AND YET DID NOTHING ABOUT IT.  I DECIDED WHEN I DIDN'T LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  IT LED TO MORE PERSECUTION. 

I LEARNED TO KEEP COUNSEL WITH MYSELF.

I SET ABOUT LEARNING HOW THINGS WORK SO I COULD CHANGE MY IMMEDIATE WORLD.  I LEARNED FURNITURE REFINISHING, SOLDERING, BASIC CAR MECHANICS, ETC. 

I STUDIED THE WEATHER, SEASONS, HOW THINGS GROW.  I THINK IT'S A MIRACLE THAT PLANTS AND ANIMALS USE NUCLEAR FUSION TO GROW.  AND INSTEAD OF STUDYING FUSION MAN DECIDED FISSION WAS BETTER.  MAYBE BECAUSE FUSION TAKES TIME.  ENERGY, INTENTION, FOCUS.  LASERS.

I LEARNED TO LOVE LEARNING.  THERE ARE NO LIMITS TO LEARNING.


I LEARNED THE POWER OF THOUGHT.  EVERY IDEA IS AN ELECTRICAL IMPULSE.  LEARNING IS HAVING THE IMPULSE BUILD A TRACK THAT IS REINFORCED AND STRENGTHENED EVERY TIME THE THOUGHT IS ENTERTAINED.  THIS IS WHY UNWANTED HABITS TAKE WORK TO ERASE AND TAPE OVER.

THE MATERIAL WORLD IS A REFLECTION OF OUR INTERNAL WORLD.  TELEVISIONS, CARS, BUILDINGS ALL STARTED WITH THE ELECTRICAL IDEA.  THOUGHTS ARE ELECTRICITY.  ELECTRICITY CAUSES OUR HEARTS TO BEAT. 

THE BEST CITY IN THE WORLD:  ELECTRI-CITY.

THOUGHTS ON THE LIGHTNING STORMS:  THE PLANET IS RE-BOOTING. 

so much for plans

THE ROOF IS IN THE WORKS. 

I WANTED TO MAYBE GO TO SAVERS, COSTCO HOT DOG CHERRIES TIRE PRESSURE, SUNLIGHT CONCEPTS. 

SUNLIGHT CONCEPTS-MARJORIE CALLED, $125 IS TRIP CHARGE.  THEY DO REPLACEMENT NOT REPAIR.

SO I HAVE TO THINK ON THIS. 

COSTCO SV ONLY IT IS.

EVELYN GERACCI THE SECOND PERSON TO ACKNOWLEDGE ME FOR MY SUGGESTING SHE VOLUTEER IN HOSPITAL NURSERY HOLDING BABIES.  I COULD SEE SHE MISSED GEORGE'S GENTLE ENERGY.  A PLACE HOLDER. 

MOMMA-DELORISE LUCAS THE FIRST TO SEE AND ACKNOWLEDGE HOW HARD I'VE WORKED ON MYSELF TO BE THE BEST ME.

distractions

WE ALL HAVE THEM TO MAKE LIFE TOLERABLE.  MY BOOKS, DVDS, PUZZLES.

MOM HAD HER POKER MACHINE. 

D &A THEIR MANIPULATIONS WHICH I COULD UNDERSTAND IF THEIR ACTIONS HAD BEEN FOR GAIN OTHER THAN EGO.  SO POINTLESS TO RUIN PEOPLE LIVES.  WHY?  A SENSE OF GODNESS?

STUNNED

I GOT LOCKED OUT AT SRS CMPTR.  I GOT LOCKED OUT HERE AT MAIN ONE TIME.  I THINK PCH IS REWORKING THEIR WEBSITE.  GLITCH.

I WENT TO $ANTA AND GOT CHIPS AND VITES.  I WAS OUT OF FISH OIL.  WAIT A MINUTE I THINK I GOT D TOO.

I'M UPSET

I FINALLY FIGURED THE PANIC WHENEVER ANYTHING GOES WRONG.  DAD WAS A TYRANT.  VINDICTIVE, CRUEL. 

HE BECAME THE HOUSE.  HE WAS SO CONTROLLING ABOUT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING.  THE REASON I PUT MYSELF THROUGH COLLEGE.  I KNEW I COULDN'T DEPEND ON HIS JEALOUS SELF TO HELP ME.  THE PAIR USED EACH OTHER TO MANIPULATE AND CONTROL US KIDS. 

EVILSISTERS PROBABLY DON'T EVEN REALIZE WHAT THEY DID TO US.  HOW THEY DID IT. 

I CAN TOLERATE THE PANIC BETTER KNOWING WHY AND HOW.

EVENTUALLY IT WILL DISSIPATE.

AND THE ROOF WILL BE OK.  THE KITCHEN, BATH, YARD, WASHER, DRAINS.

I WILL BE OK.

LALALA

THERE IS NO THING I MUST DO TODAY.  FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I FEEL UNDER NO PRESSURE. 

MY ANXIETY RIDDLED LIFE HAS CHANGED AND I CAN BREATHE EASILY. 

SO MUCH OF MY CHILDGOOD WAS TENSE, CONTENTIOUS.

THE FREEDOM AND LACK OF A WEIGHT ON ME, IS ALMOST DIZZYING.  ALMOST.

MY susan

I'M FEELING JUMBLED.  JEANIE MADE ME A CHICKEN PICKLE MUSTARD MAYO SANDWICH.  PERFECT AT 9:30.  GJ IS TAKING CARE OF ME.

I'M CALM NOW. 

READY FOR NAP OR HOT TUB. 

JUST DOING WHAT I WANT

Msusan CAN BE VERY INSISTENT.  I THINK THE CHILD HAS MORE STRENGTH OF CHARACTER AND STUBBORNNESS THAN THE ADULT.

PLAYING WITH MY NAME REMINDS ME OF FRY AND LAURIE SAYING M'COLLEAGUE. 

WAH!!

I'M FEELING FRUSTRATED.   DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A REASON. 

FEELINGS ARE SELF EXISTING.  THEY CAN BE LODGED IN THE BODY AND ERUPT. 

FOR THE FIRST TIME A DOCTOR REPEATED CAROLINE MYSS "BIOGRAPHY BECOMES BIOLOGY."

johnbitch does NOT play well w/others

LIKE W-IRANI WANTS THE ENTIRE TABLE.  OH LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!  I CAN'T STAND THEM.  TOO MUCH LIKE A/D.  LOSERS. 

LOST ME. 

LIKE ARrrrrrrrr.  

I DESERVE A CHERRY BAGEL.

AND HE NEVER FINISHED THE PUZZLE AFTER INSISTING HE NEEDED TO WORK ON THE ENTIRE PUZZLE AND WAS UNABLE TO WORK ON JUST ONE SECTION, THE IDIOT.

LIFE IS LIVED IN INCREMENTS. 

AND FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF

READING THE ZOOKEEPER'S WIFE, SHE WAS ORPHANED AND DID OK.  SHE MUST HAVE HAD SOME GOOD ROLE MODELS.