BEST HALLOWEEN EVER

MONDAY-COCA COLA CAKE
TUESDAY-APPLE PIE/REAL WHIP CREAM, COOKIES
TODAY CANDY
AND I PUZZLED, SWAM, BOOKMOBILE 2 NEW DVDS, CAME HOME, TIDIED, READY TOMORROW, NAPPED, TV, READ.

TYGJ

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT I CAN CLICK ON VIEW BLOG AND SEE MY BLOG IN ITS ENTIRETY.  ALL POSTS.  THAT'S WHAT THEY SHOULD LABEL IT.

THE INTERNET IS ONE OF THE FEW THINGS I'M NOT CURIOUS ABOUT.

THROWING MAJOR TANTRUMS

AT LEAST IT FEELS MAJOR.  I WANT TO SCREAM AND KICK MY FEET.  WHEN I DO IT IN THE POOL IT FEELS GREAT.

at the library

I'M STILL LEARNING TO BE GENTLE WITH MYSELF AND HOW TO HAVE FUN. 

I SAT IN MY CAR 40 MINUTES DECIDING WHAT I WANTED TO DO AFTER EXERCISING AT SENIOR CENTER.  I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO DO OR EAT OR ANYTHING SO I SAT WITH MYSELF AND DIDN'T JUDGE.  A FIRST.  I DIDN'T FEEL GUILTY OR LAZY OR ANYTHING. 

I'M GETTING THERE.  OR HERE.

I WATCHED A MOVIE AT LIBRARY, ATE JUNK FOOD AND I'M OK. 

MISTAKES

IS IT THE ADULT OR CHILD OR BOTH?  OR MAYBE I NEED TO ADJUST MY PERCEPTION OF MISTAKES.  MAYBE IT ISN'T A MISTAKE BUT AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHIFT PERCEPTION.

8 PM-I WENT TO PATELCO AFTER SENIORS 2 PM AND EVEN THOUGH IT'S FRIDAY THEY WERE OVERLOADED.  I HAD TO BOOK AN APPOINTMENT FOR 5.  I DECIDED TO GO BACK TO SENIORS RATHER THAN LIBRARY AND WOW McD TREAT.  THEY'RE SLOW BECAUSE FEW WORKERS.  I GOT HAPPY MEAL AND HASH BROWN.  NO TOKEN FOR GAME.  YUM, I WATCHED SAMSON DVD.  SO SATISFIED.

YEP, SHIFTING PERCEPTION.

WE ONLY LEARN FROM MISTAKES.

AUGHHH...

OH, THE PAIN IS STILL COMING OUT OF MY TISSUES, BONE, AND BLOOD.  I'M FEELING FEVERISH AND TIRED.  DRINK MORE WATER, GET MORE REST.

I ACCEPT

I RECEIVE HELP. 

MY FAMILY NEVER HELPED ME.  I EARNED EVERYTHING.  I WORKED FOR EVERYTHING.  I'VE BEEN WORKING MY ENTIRE LIFE TO BE ACCEPTED AND LOVED.  THE IDEA OF FAMILY IS THE LOVING, GIVING UNIVERSE.  THEY TAUGHT ME INCORRECTLY. 

I DESERVE A LOVING GIVING FAMILY.

FUN, FUN, FUN

THREE PEOPLE BROUGHT IN CAKE, DELICIOUS CAKE.  I EXERCISED AND RELAXED.  I'M FEELING PRETTY GOOD.  I GOT 6 EXTRA MEATBALLS FROM LUNCH.  I'M GRADUALLY CLEARING THE FRIDGE. 

CLEARING OLD ENERGY

ALL THE ANGER AND SADNESS IS LEAVING MY BODY.  I'M A TODDLER AGAIN AND FEELING BRATTY.  FOR THE MOST PART I'M THINKING THINGS TO MYSELF.  WELSUN/DAD TRIED TO TELL ME THE ALKY WAS A THIEF WHEN I'D WORRY MORE ABOUT WELSUN.  KIMO WARNED ME WHEN I FIRST STARTED COMING TO THE SENIOR CENTER AND I'VE SEEN HIM TAKE GROCERIES FROM THE HOLIDAY FOOD BINS FOR THE NEEDY.

LAST FRIDAY I OFFERED ALAMEDA TO BUY LEOPARD PRINT 3X SWEATSHIRT AND SHE SAID IF SHE WON BINGO SHE'D LET ME HAVE IT.  TODAY SHE WANTED $5.  I DON'T OWE HER ANYTHING MORE.  DONE.

SELF HYPNOSIS

ALL LIFE IS SELF HYPNOSIS.  CHILDREN ARE PROGRAMMED BY THE WORLD AROUND THEM AND ADULTS BY THEIR ATTENTION.

CHILDREN SEE REALITY BASED ON THEIR SURVIVAL.  THEY DEPEND ON THE ADULTS AROUND THEM TO PROVIDE FOR THEM.  WHATEVER THEY ARE GIVEN DEFINES THEIR REALITY.  WHEN WE BECOME ADULTS WE ARE NO LONGER LIMITED BY THE BOUNDARIES DEFINED BY THE ADULTS.  WE DEFINE OUR OWN LIMITS. 

MY BOUNDARIES ARE MOVING AND SHIFTING. 

HUKILAU

YESTERDAY I TOOK THE DAY OFF.  I PUT ROBERT AND IRENE IN THEIR PLACE AT LUNCH.  I STAYED UNTIL 5 PUZZLING.

I'M FEELING TIRED OF DISRESPECT.

BOOKMOBILE DAY

I LOVE HAVING THE BOOKMOBILE COME TO ME AT THE SENIOR CENTER.  I FEEL LIKE I'M CREATING MY HEAVEN. 

I REDISCOVERED A 3/4 SLEEVE POLISHED SILK BLOUSE THAT MATCHES A SLEEVELESS BLOUSE I BOUGHT YEARS APART.  ASTRONOMICAL ODDS.  IF I CAN CREATE THIS IN MY LIFE I CAN HAVE A CAREFREE HOME, LOVE, CAR, LIFE. 

integrity

REMEMBER=RECONNECT.  I COME APART AND RECONNECT IN A NEW CONFIGURATION.

INTEGRATING IN A COHERENT MODEL.

FAWLTY TOWERS

YESTERDAY I FELT SICK.  I DRANK GRAPEFRUIT AND FELT BETTER.  I WENT TO G2, SFWY1, MICHAEL'S, SFWY MARIA, I HAD PRODUCTIVE SHOPPING AND HOME TO REST.  I LAY DOWN FOR AN HOUR AND FELT EXHAUSTED.  I HAD TO RETURN CHROME AT LIBRARY,CHECKED OUT AVAILABLE AND CONSIDERED RETURNING HOME NO ST J.  AFTER DRINKING MORE GRAPEFRUIT DRINK I FELT ABLE TO SOLDIER ON TO ST J.  HALF OFF EVERYTHING. 

IF I FEEL BETTER I'LL GO BACK TODAY. 

LUNCH WAS GOOD.  I READ NEWSPAPER AT LIBRARY AND CAME HOME, ATE MORE CHINESE CHICKEN SALAD, EGG ROLLS.  COOKED AND ATE SFWY CRAB CAKES/REAL CRAB. 

MAYBE I'LL TAKE A BREAK FROM CELERY.  I HAVE NEW LOUISE HAY.  MAYBE I'M JUST DOING TOO MUCH TOO QUICKLY. 

RE-REMEMBER

EVERY NEW SYNAPSE CONNECTION IS PRECEDED BY FEELING HORRIBLE.  THE TERRIBLE TWO'S IS LEARNING TO TALK AND WALK.  THE BEGINNING OF BEING AN INDIVIDUAL.

EVERY HORRIBLE PHASE IS A PRECURSOR TO NEW THINKING.

EVERY HORRIBLE PHASE IS WONDERFUL.

IF I CAN ONLY REMEMBER.

STILL CHANGING

I'M FEELING LIKE AN ADOLESCENT.  LIKE A CLUMSY PUPPY.

YESTERDAY I ATE TWO PIECES OF CELERY.  I WENT TO SRS, CAMPBELL,  CAME HOME AND NAPPED FOR HOURS.  I'M SLEEPING 4-5 HOURS AT NIGHT AND WATCHING DVDS, COMPUTING, WORKING ON THE NEW ME.

I'M AT A CHANGE POINT AND AM AWARE, FEELING SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  I PICKED UP MORE LOUISE HAY AND REQUESTED MORE.

I DECIDED TO LOOK FOR AND WATCH CONCENTRATION ON YOU TUBE ONLINE. I KEEP MISSING IT BROADCAST ON BUZZR TV.   I BINGED FOR 3 HOURS STRAIGHT THROUGH.  STRETCHING MY BRAIN IN NEW DIRECTIONS.  I'M RESTING MORE, TAKING CARE OF MYSELF.  IT FEELS SCARY.  I'M EXPANDING MY SELF CARE.

I REALIZED EVERYTHING MANUFACTURED IS CREATED TO MANIPULATE.

KIDS ARE DUMB

THE KIDS TODAY ARE SO INSULATED.  THE ONES FROM SCU ARE SO NAIVE.

THE PSYCH MAJOR IS TOTALLY SKEWED.  I HOPE SHE GETS THE HELP SHE NEEDS.  SHE HAS SO MANY NERVOUS SELF SABOTAGING TICS.  WORKING ON A PUZZLE SHE STACKS PIECES ON TOP OF EACH OTHER,  COMPETES, MOVES THEM AIMLESSLY, RETREATS INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS.  I'VE BEEN NOTICING HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE LIKE ACTORS PLAYING A ROLE NOT LIVING LIFE.

AND YET ACTORS GET PAID BIG BUCKS FOR NOT BEING THEMSELVES.

SOCIETY SEEMS TO LOVE AND REWARD LIARS.

MAYBE SOCIETY IS TOO YOUNG.  OR JUST YOUNG.

LOSING WW

OF COURSE.  I'VE NEVER LOST ANYTHING FROM THE LIBRARY B-4.  THE INITIALS AND THE FATHER SON STORY LINE NEED MY CONSIDERATION, ATTENTION.

WEEPING WEREWOLF IS MY DAD AND HE NEVER HAD A CHILDHOOD EITHER WITH HIS ALCOHOLIC/SUICIDAL DAD.  HIS OLDER BRO WAIPAHU UNCLE WAS THE SAME.  MY DAD WAS THE BEST OF HIS FAMILY AND MADE UNCLE DICKIE POSSIBLE.

MOM AND DAD TRIED TO RUN AWAY AND BROUGHT IT ALL WITH THEM.  THEY WERE ASHAMED.  MOM WAS AFRAID DAD WOULD END UP THE SAME.  WW2 SAVED UNCLE DICKIE.  HE WAS A SURVIVOR.

                                          WOW!!
NEW MOON NEW ME.

AND TODAY'S WORD SEARCH IS DEAR OLD DAD. 

PLAY HOOKY

I NEED A BREAK.  I DIDN'T WANT TO BE HERE.  ON SO MANY LEVELS.  I'M JUST BONE TIRED.

I WANT TO BE TRUANT.

I WENT IN LATE.  $ANTA CLARA FOR TOOTHPASTE, EAR BUDS, SALTINES, CORN BREAD CHIPS, VIENNA SAUSAGES.

AFTER SRS I BOUGHT CELERY, WILD RICE, ONION CHIPS AT SPROUTS.  TARGET I BOUGHT 32 GB FLASH DRIVE FOR MOVIE CONVERSIONS. TYGJ FOR CREDIT CARDS AND THE USE OF THEIR MONEY FOR A MONTH.

8:30 PM.  IT WAS OK.  MY LADIES WENT TO SEE ROSE MARIE SUNDAY.  I'M MOVING AWAY.  WALTER JR CAME BY.  I TOLD RICH THEY COULD START A SUPPORT GROUP.  THEY'RE BOTH CARE TAKING THEIR DADS.

ART GAVE ME A RB FLAT BREAD.  TOO MUCH SALT AND HALF THE BREAD WAS DRY AND TOO MUCH BREAD SO I TOSSED IT.  AND I HAD A BIG SALAD.

NEW MOON IS ALWAYS HARD.

DISCOVERY

THE HOUSE AND YARD ARE MY CHILDHOOD.  I HAD TO COOK AND CLEAN AND NOW I DON'T.  I'M LIVING A WORK FREE CHILDHOOD.  FOR HOW LONG, I HATE THE MESS.

HOMELESS PEOPLE NEVER HAD A HOME.  THEY WERE SERVANTS OR UNWANTED TENANTS.

ALMOST ILL

AFTER HOT TUB I THOUGHT I'D BE SICK.  EVERYTHING HURT SO BAD I WAS NAUSEOUS.  I SIPPED GRAPEFRUIT NAPPED AND FELT OK.

CHANGE IS HARD WORK.  I DESERVE A RAISE.

STEPSIS

I'M REMEMBERING AND CONSIDERING.  MY FAMILY NEVER ONCE GAVE ME ANYTHING I WANTED.  I HAD TO GO OUTSIDE AND FIND AND MAKE EVERYTHING I WANT.

SUSAN/JOHN ST JUSTIN HAVE GIVEN ME THINGS I ACTUALLY WANT.  MY FAMILY MADE A POINT OF REFUSING TO GIVE ME EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED.  THEY MADE A POINT OF ASKING ME WHAT I WANTED SO THEY COULD REFUSE.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT BEHAVIOR BUT I CAN DISSOLVE MY CONNECTION TO THAT BEHAVIOR AND LOOK FORWARD AND FOLLOW MY DESIRES.

THE FIRST TIME I NOTICED WAS DAD REFUSING TO GIVE ME MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT AND GAVE IT TO MY SISTERS.  THIS TREATMENT AFTER I MOVED HOME TO TAKE HIM TO HIS CANCER TREATMENTS.  MY SISTERS HAVE BEHAVED THE SAME.  MOM WENT ALONG.  SHE DID BUY ME EARRINGS I WANTED WHEN WE WERE ALONE AT THE JEWELRY STORE.

I RENEWED CHROME FOR THE HOLIDAY MONDAY.  I PICKED UP $50 GIFT CERTIFICATE YESTERDAY AND PLANNED WHAT I WANTED TO TRY FROM SUMIYA.  I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE TO USE IT ALL AT ONCE OR WHAT.  I'LL HAVE TO ASK.

CAMPBELL LIB

I TRIED.  ONE DVD NOT RENEWABLE.  OH,WELL.

AS THE TRAUMA AND DRAMA LEAVE MY BODY THE SORENESS IS MY BODY ACKNOWLEDGING THE EVENTS.

I HAVE TO BE KINDER TO MYSELF.

I AWOKE LATE 6AM AFTER A NIGHT OF WAKING AND SLEEPING.  ALL THE PAST I'M PROCESSING AND RESOLVING, DISSOLVING, RELEASING.

I'LL GO IN LATER.  TAKING MY TIME.  GOD GIVEN.  MINE.

I PICKED UP 2 NEW AND FAWLTY TOWERS AND GOOD PLACE 1.  FREAKED MYSELF OUT LOOKING FOR CHROME.  MISPLACED IT.

ON THE WAY HOME I DECIDED TO GO WALGREEN'S SMOKES  AND TA-DA!  RUMMAGE SALE.  MAGNIFYING LAMP/BATTERY,GIANT SUCRETS TIN, SILVER CHAIN, LOUIS PRIMA/KEELY SMITH DVD=$10.  BETHEL CHURCH.

I FEEL BETTER.

MCD

I'M LOVING MYSELF.  I TOOK MYSELF FOR A HAPPY MEAL.  I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.  I DESERVE FUN.  I'M HAVING A STAY-CATION.  IF I CAN RENEW CAMPBELL I'M DOGGING IT.

I WAITED 'TIL AFTER LUNCH TO SWIM.  I WANTED TO WASH MY HAIR AND RELAX.  THE POOLS WERE PRACTICALLY EMPTY.  I GOT THE PAPER.  I HAD ALL MY FAVORITE THINGS TODAY.  I PUZZLED AND AVOIDED BACKWARD PEOPLE.  HURRAY!!

DID IT ALL YESTERDAY

SENIOR TOM WAS PONTIFICATING AT PUZZLE TABLE.  KATHLEEN WAS LIBRARYING.  SHE SAID THEY DIDN'T REALIZE THEY WERE INCONVENIENCING ANYONE.  I TOLD HER THEY DID AND THAT WAS ONE WAY OF GETTING ATTENTION.  SHE TRIED TO TELL ME TOM WAS MENTAL.  I TOLD HER I TRIED TO TALK WITH HIM AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ONLY LECTURE.  HE'S NOT MENTAL ONLY SELFISH.  HE'S JUST LIKE MY DAD AND I KNOW HOW THAT BEHAVIOR ENDS UP.  THAT THEY TRY TO ANGER AND IRRITATE PEOPLE TO INTERACT WITH PEOPLE.  IT GIVES THEM THE ILLUSION OF CAPABILITY/POWER.  MAYBE HE IS MENTAL.

THEN WALTER AND WALTER CAME ALONG.   SHE TRIED TO ENGAGE ME IN GOD AIN'T IT AWFUL.  I SHARED MY INFORMATION.  SHE DIDN'T KNOW.  DOESN'T REALLY CARE, WOULD RATHER GOSSIP AND CONJECTURE.

I GAVE AWAY THE FRUIT TO HELEN AND TOKI, TOOK MY TIME, WENT TO CHASE, I CONTINUED TO ST J.  I GAVE THEM BAG OF AVOCADOS GUAVA, SUSAN GAVE ME TWO X 4 YARDS FABRIC PURPLE FLORAL, KITTIES.  I DECIDED TO DRIVE TO MISSION C U.  I DESERVED SCOTT MC D KIDS MEAL $3.27.  HOMESTEAD MC D $4.03.  $.76 MORE.  CAME HOME.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE MYSELF.  NO ONE'S EVER LOVED ME SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE.  I'M TEACHING MYSELF.

STILL RUNNING

I HAVE YET TO DO MY BANKING.  THE WORLD HASN'T ENDED.  WHENEVER I TAKE MY TIME THE PRESSURE FROM THE PAST MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.  I'M STILL ADAPTING TO THE NEW ME.

SO MUCH FEAR TO OVERCOME.  I HAVE TO KEEP LOVING MYSELF TO OVERCOME THEIR HATE.  I GET SO TIRED.  I STILL HAVE THEIR CRITICISMS.  IN MY HEAD, IN MY BODY THE BEATINGS LOCKED IN THE MUSCLES AND TISSUES, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO AVOID THEM.  HOW TO SURVIVE.  I'M STILL TRYING TO SURVIVE.  MY BODY TRYING TO SURVIVE, MY SPIRIT TIRED BRUISED.

I CONFRONTED DAD IN THE FORM OF SENIOR TOM.  THE PSYCH STUDENTS FROM S CLARA U WERE AFTERNOON.  I HAD THEM GET CHAIRS AND GO THROUGH THE SUPPLY CART.  TOM COMPLAINED I TALKED TO STUDENTS AND NOT HIM.  I TOLD HIM AGAIN HE DOESN'T CONVERSE.  HE DRONES, PLAYING TAPES OF LECTURES PRETENDING TO ATTEND.  I TOLD HIM THAT'S WHAT THE STUDENTS WERE THERE FOR, IT SAYS SO ON THE CARD.  HE PLAYED HIS TAPES FOR THEM.

I RAN AWAY

I SPENT THE DAY GOOFING.  YESTERDAY I SLEPT.  I'M RUNNING AWAY FROM MY CHALLENGES.  VACATION.  WHOO-HOO!!