LOLLIPOP GUILD

AFTER EXERCISING, THE SONG FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ PLAYED IN MY HEAD AND YESTERDAY WHILE EXERCISING IT PLAYED AGAIN.  SOMEHOW MY BODY REMEMBERED THE DANCE AND PLAYED THE ACCOMPANYING SOUNDTRACK. 

EVEN THOUGH I NEVER ACTUALLY SANG AND DANCED THE LOLLIPOP SONG SOMEHOW MY BODY CONNECTED THE EXERCISES WITH THE DANCE MOVES.  AN UNCONSCIOUS PROGRAMMED BODY MEMORY.

THIS MEANS THAT WHAT I WATCH WITH TOTAL INVOLVEMENT BECOMES A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.  MY BODY DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.  MY EMOTIONS CREATE CHEMICAL VERSUS EXPERIENTIAL MEMORIES.  ALL MEMORIES ARE CHEMICAL CHAINS. 

ADDICTIONS ARE AN ATTEMPT TO OVER RIDE AN UNWANTED CHEMICAL MEMORY WITH ANOTHER CHEMICAL.

I REMEMBERED

I'M WATCHING CONCENTRATION ONLINE.  AND I ALREADY EXERCISED AND BOOK MOBILE PICK UP.  CITY IS DONE 'TIL FRIDAY.

CAMPBELL HOLDS EXPIRE TODAY.  AND I THINK THE RAIN HAS PAUSED.  I HAVE 5 READY.

AND TODAY'S LUNCH WE'RE #1 SHEPHERDS PIE.

spongebob is dead

STEPHEN HILLENBURG AT 57 YRS OLD OF ALS-LOU GHERIG'S DISEASE.  TOO YOUNG.  HE WAS ONLY DIAGNOSED MARCH 2017.  TOO SAD. 

CHUCK OFFERED A CUP OF COFFEE BEFORE I EVEN LOOKED ONLINE AND I WANT CHOCOLATE.  I HAD A CHOCOLATE DONUT TOO.  I DROVE HOME TO MOURN THE WORLD'S LOSS.

MEANWHILE

SITTING OUTSIDE SENIORS WAITING TO OPEN.  I AWOKE THINKING TODAY IS SUNDAY AND REMEMBERED MICHAEL'S EXTENDED BLACK FRIDAY SALE.  THERE'LL BE MORE LATER.  I'M PRACTICING PROSPERITY.  I DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TODAY.  I CONSIDERED COLEMAN AND COMBINING TARGET AND MICHAEL'S.  NO.

I WENT TO SCOTT TARGET AT 8, PAID MY BILL, FOUND CLEARANCE SILICONE BAKING SHEET.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOUGHT IT WHEN PARCHMENT PAPER IS SO CONVENIENT.  I'LL FIND OUT LATER.

I PADDLED AROUND THE WARM H2O POOL FOR AN HOUR.  THEN I WENT TO SARATOGA LUCKY'S TO SEE IF DINNERS HAD BEEN MARKED DOWN.  NO.  SO I BOUGHT SPINDRIFT H2O FOR BONUS POINTS AND PICKED UP MY FREE GATORADE.

I DECIDED IT WAS TIME FOR NORI MAKI AT LAWRENCE SQUARE AND CHECKED OUT PARIS BAKERY TOO.  I RESISTED.  $4 for CRAB CROQUETTE.  AND BEAN RICE DONUT.  I BOUGHT AND ATE KRAB SUSHI FOR LUNCH.

DINNER I HAD THE REST OF THE TURKEY AND MASH WITH MUSHROOMS.  I FORGOT MARMALADE.  OH, I'M SO BLESSED.  I FOUND DIME AND THREE PENNIES. 

I MADE TURQUOISE ANGEL EARRINGS, THREE OTHER PAIR. 

NO MARGEE.

I'M SUCH A CHILD

I'VE BEEN AWAKE FOR AN HOUR OR SO, WATCHING HEARTS BEAT LOUD.  DVD.  I GAVE MYSELF TOO MUCH POTATO CHIPS AND HAD A LOVELY LOVE DREAM OF MY OTHER SIDE LIFE.  EVERYTHING I DON'T HAVE HERE.

SO MUCH BLOODSTREAM SUGAR WOKE ME UP.  EH.  I SLEPT 10-1.  I WANT TO DANCE.

XFINITY NETWORK IS ALWAYS AMBUSHING MY CONNECTION.

I LOVE MYSELF THE WAY I AM AND I'M WILLING TO CHANGE.  IF I MUST.

I WENT TO SAVER'S BLACK FRIDAY.  MY FIRST BLACK FRIDAY.  I AVOIDED SALES HAVING LIVED RETAIL FOR MOST OF MY LIFE.  THE BEST DEAL MOST SKIRTS $.62.  AND ONE OF THEM HAD AN INSIDE WAIST SECRET POCKET I CAN ADD TO MY OTHER SKIRTS.  BEST IDEA. 

I'M SO FULL

WHEN I STARTED GOING THE THANKSGIVING ROUTE I WAS STILL UNABLE TO STAND IN LINE WITHOUT FEELING SICK.  THIS YEAR I FEEL GREAT.

THIRD YEAR THE CHARM.  I EXERCISED AND WALKED THE STORES NOT KNOWING WHEN I WAS GOING TO ST CLARE.  I RETURNED HOME AT 11:30 AND WENT WITH MY CHROME BOOK TO SEE IF I COULD GET RECEPTION.  NO.  I WAITED IN THE CAR 20 MINUTES.  I SAW L-LOYD AND THE SENIOR CENTER.  I GOT MORE TURKEY TO GO.

I PEOPLE WATCHED UNTIL 1:30.  I DROVE TO 1ST PRESBYTERIAN AND WAITED.  STILL NO CHROME RECEPTION.  I HAD BEEF WELLINGTON AND BUTTERY MASHED POTATOES.

BEST THANKSGIVING EVER!

INTERACTING SUCKS.

TOO MUCH

I ATE PIE AND CAKE AND DIDN'T FINISH LUNCH.  AND YESTERDAY  I MADE MYSELF NAUSEATED WITH FOUR PIECES OF CANDY.

AS A CHILD I WAS MORE DISCIPLINED.  I KNEW TO SAY NO.

SUGAR IS THE MOST INSIDIOUS ADDICTION.

THE MOST HEALTH THREATENING.  CLOGS THE BODY, RAISES BLOOD PRESSURE.  CAUSES MOOD SWINGS.

BYE BYE I LOVE ME.

I FILLED THE TANK, PAID DISCOVER.  DONE FOR NOW. 

I LOVE NEW THINGS.

I WORE MY PINK LEATHER JACKET.  I DID MY EXERCISE, WASHED MY NEW UNDIES, PUZZLED. 

LISTENING TO LOUISE HAY I'M FEELING HAPPIER AND STRONGER.  I TALKED TO AN SCU STUDENT TODAY, CHRISTINE.  THEY'RE SO NAIVE AND IGNORANT.  I WOULDN'T BE YOUNG AGAIN FOR ANYTHING.  I JUST WANT TO STAY HEALTHY.

SENIORS BLAME EVERYTHING ON AGE.  I DON'T AGREE.  I WILL EXERCISE AND LAUGH MY WAY TO HEALTH.

FEAR & ANXIETY

MY FAMILY TRADITION.  OH, AND DEPRESSION.  ALONG WITH SUICIDE AND ALCOHOLISM.

HOLIDAY STRESS

I FEEL FREAKED AND THEN LOOK FOR A REASON.  I KNOW MY SIS' ARE THINKING OF ME.   SOCIOPATH AILEEN AND DOORMAT MITZI.

I'M BACK TO LITTLE ORPHAN SUSAN.  THE CINDERELLA.  THE FAIRY TALE.  THE PERFECT PRINCE RESCUING THE PAUPER/VICTIM.  THE PERFECT PRINCE WITH THE PERFECT FAMILY.

WILL I EVER KNOW WHAT I'M DOING IN THE MOMENT?

THE PURPOSE OF REFLECTION IS TO MAKE SENSE OF WHAT'S HAPPENING.  MAYBE IT ISN'T SENSIBLE.  I WANT THE WORLD TO UP LEVEL BY IMPROVING MYSELF.  I'M PART OF THE WORLD, WHEN I IMPROVE THE WORLD IS BETTER.  KNOWING WHAT IS BETTER AND DOING BETTER. 

SORE CORE & FEET

YESTERDAY I WALKED ALL OVER MILPITAS GREAT MALL.  I STOOD IN LINE AT SAVER'S 45 MIN.  I DROVE TO SCOTT MCD'S AS THEY WERE LOCKING THE LOBBY AND THE DRIVE THROUGH WAS TOO LONG SO I WENT TO BK FOR 10 CHICK NUGGETS $1 AND VALUE FRIES $1.49 PLUS TAX=$2.71.

DAISO HAD RUBBER CLOGS $3.  I CHECKED THE PRICE OF EMBROIDERY THREAD I BOUGHT AT SAVER'S THURSDAY SAME.

WALKING THE MALL I RAN INTO RAYMOND FROM SENIOR CENTER.  HE'S EMBARRASSED HE CALLED ELSIE NOSY.  SHE IS.  WE TALKED AN HOUR AND I TOLD HIM WE MISSED HIM.  HE ASKED ABOUT ROSE MARIE AND OFFERED TO TAKE HER OUT WITH HER WHEEL CHAIR,  HE DOESN'T REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS.  DAD EXPECTED TO BE WHEELED EVERYWHERE.  IT'S A LOT OF WORK LOADING/FOLDING/UNLOADING/UNFOLDING A STEEL CHAIR IN AND OUT OF THE CAR.  I WAS EXHAUSTED AND HURT MY BACK.  50 LBS AND BULKY/AWKWARD.

SO MANY BAD MEMORIES OF PEOPLE NOT WILLING TO HELP THEMSELVES AND OTHERS.  THEY ALWAYS END BADLY. 

LOUISE HAY DESCRIBES THE PISCEAN AGE AS LOOKING FOR OUTSIDE INTERVENTION AND CONTRASTS IT TO THE AGE OF AQUARIUS INNER SELF RELIANCE.

MY DAD WAS PISCES TOO.  IRONIC?  MY ENTIRE FAMILY WAS UNWILLING TO HELP OTHERS.  THEY CRITICIZED ME, CALLING ME STUPID.  THEY HAD TO BE PAID, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.

HAVING MORE FUN

I CHECKED MY EMAILS FOR FRIDAY FREEBIES AND LUCKY'S HAD JUICE THAT I LIKE.  AND I REMEMBERED I HAD TO PAY CITIBANK SO AFTER MAIN LIB PICK UP CD I WENT TO SARATOGA AVE TCB.  PRODUCE HAD NUTS AND FRUIT ON CLEARANCE.  YUM.  I CAME HOME 4:30.  I THOUGHT OF ADDING REWARD AND BUYING MORE BUT I CAN DO IT TOMORROW.  I HAVE $3 EXPIRING END OF NOV.

I ATE HALF OF LUNCH STROGANOFF AND 8 I WAS HUNGRY AND HAD CORN BREAD AND WEIRD AUNT DOT'S CHILI.  ONLY OK.

yay!! susan!!

I WENT TO SAVER'S AFTER PUZZLING TO MY HEART'S CONTENT.  FIRST I WENT TO CAMPBELL LIBRARY , CHECKED WITH HOW I FELT, DROVE TO 24 HR, SHOWERED & WASHED MY HAIR.  AT FOOD MAXX I BOUGHT GROUND JALAPENO $1,  2 BOXES PECAN RICE CRACKERS $1 EA, 6 MUFFIN MIX $.39.  AT SAVER'S SKORT $I.75, EMBROIDERY THREAD $1, BLK LAMB'S WOOL WRAP $3.  I TRIED ON 5 DRESSES, ALL NEEDED WORK SO I PASSED.

I DID EVERYTHING I WANTED TO DO AND I'M A LITTLE ANXIOUS AND I'M OK.  I'M DESENSITIZING.  I MANAGED TO KEEP ME TOGETHER.

TODAY WAS MONDAY'S PREVIEW SALE.  I MAY GO TO NORTHSIDE MONDAY.

HEAVEN TAKES GETTING USED TO.

i forgive

everyone and everything.

MY INNER CHILD SUSIE RUNS THE SHOW.
MY SELF SABOTAGE IS MY INNER CHILD UNHAPPY WITH ADULT SUSAN.  THE BALANCE OF ADULT AND CHILD CREATES HEAVEN.

TRAPPED

I'VE BEEN IMPRISONED IN THE SELF-PROTECTIVE DENIAL I NEEDED IN THE PAST TO GET ME THROUGH MY HORRIBLE FAMILY.  I CONSTRUCTED WALLS SEPARATING ME FROM THE HUMILIATION AND ABUSE.  THEY NEVER SAID ANYTHING COMPLIMENTARY.  NEVER HAD ANYTHING NICE TO SAY TO ME.  AND I LET IT GO.

QUIETLY HORRIFIED

LISTENING TO LOUISE HAY I'M THINKING OF 2003 WHEN AILEEN AND DALE STONE LEFT HERE.  SHE MOVED IN 2002 WITH LAUREN INTO THE MASTER BEDROOM.  I WAS BEDRIDDEN.  SHE RENTED THE FORDHAM HOUSE TO AARON AND HIS FRIENDS.  SHE REFUSED TO GIVE LARRY, HER HUSBAND A KEY.  SHE TOLD HIM SHE WANTED A DIVORCE ON VALENTINE'S DAY.  SHE MOVED DALE IN AND MOVED LAUREN TO THE SECOND BEDROOM.  SHE ADMITTED TO ME SHE MADE HER KIDS LIE TO THEIR FATHER.

SHE TALKED MOM INTO LENDING SHE AND LARRY 100 GRAND AS THE DOWN PAYMENT ON THE FORHAM HOUSE AND MOM WAS A CO-OWNER ON THE MORTGAGE IN 1999 AFTER DAD DIED.  SHE TOLD MOM SHE WOULD BUILD HER ROOMS TO LIVE WITH THEM.  MOM MOWED THE LAWN, WAS THE GARDENER, COOKED THEIR MEALS, MAYBE DID THE CLEANING.  AFTER I SHOWED MOM HOW EASY COMPUTERS WERE AT THE LIBRARY MOM DID AILEEN'S BOOKKEEPING.  AILEEN NEVER INTENDED FOR MOM TO LIVE THERE.

WHAT TO WRITE

IT'S TIME TO WRITE AUNTY.  I'VE BEEN FINDING NICKELS AND DIMES AND PENNIES.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE.  I STARTED DRIVING MY GREAT USED CAR FRI. 7/13 WHEN I AWOKE TO THE OLD CAR SMASHED FRONT WINDOW, LOST MY GYM SUITCASE THUR. 7/26 MY LAST LETTER TO AUNTY.  I'M AFRAID.  WHAT NEW ADVENTURE AWAITS?

MY LIFE HAS IMPROVED AND I'M AFRAID.  HOW GOOD CAN IT GET?

INFINITY

META-BEYOND PHYSICS-MATERIAL. 

OUR CONNECTION TO THE UNIVERSE IS ENERGY.  ANT MAN EXPLORES THE MOLECULAR.  THE IDEA.  THE ENERGY CONNECTING THE MOLECULES.  ATOMIC ENERGY. 

I HAVE TO GIVE IT MORE THOUGHT.

huh

I WENT AND RENEWED W-W-W 7 XS NOW.

MY BACK RIB FROM MOTORCYCLE DUMP SPASMS.  AND MY LEFT LEG HAS BEEN TWITCHING AND JERKING LIKE CARAZY.  JERKS MY ENTIRE BODY.  STARTLING.  SPASMS FROM 1973.  A FORM OF TIME TRAVEL.  I WONDER IF THAT STARTED THE IDEA.  IT'S A WEIRD IDEA TO THINK ABOUT.  WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO?

BEING HERE NOW IS THE ONLY POSSIBLE WAY TO ENJOY LIFE.

TERRIBLE TWO'S

EVERY DEVELOPMENTAL SHIFT IS PRECEDED BY GREAT UNREST.  SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  I DID ALL MY BANKING YESTERDAY.

I DECIDED TO GO TO CUPERTINO TO RETURN DVDS AND REMEMBERED I NEEDED TO SEND IN MY LIFE INSURANCE.  I WENT TO THE LIBRARY AND LOOKED UP CHASE LOCATIONS.  DOWN THE BLOCK ON THE WAY TO *1.  SO I WALKED AROUND SAFEWAY TOO.  THEN I DECIDED TO SHOWER AT G1 STOP AT WALGREEN'S FLORA VISTA FOR SMOKES AND CAME HOME.  VERY PRODUCTIVE DAY.