keeping them honest

garbage came 7:30 recycle 8:30 so 9 i go out to collect bins.  i put out green #1. 

young overweight BLACK WOMAN rousted by 2 sc pd across the street.  they had her sitting curb questioning her.  safe way shopping bag bottle of coca cola on roof of battering cruiser.  they end up arresting her.  tie behind her back put on stomach.  2 more pd show up.  i ask if they want water for her.  they say called for emt.  fire truck shows up.  so 4 big burly cops 2 fire men.  she's reacting like toddler crying saying she can't breathe.  someone asks if she'd like to sit up.  she's still down on her stomach.  i can see her feet moving and hear her crying asking why so i know she can breathe.  

i hovered picked flowers trimmed ends into green 2.  made my bouquet emts ambulance show up white man and woman while monitor vitals i chop down giant dried weed into green 2.  when they take off i put bin 2 in street and go inside.  it's only 9:30.  i blessed the situation constantly from start to finish.  

maybe that's why i'm still here.  to remind the bullies of their humanity.  i keep on keeping on.

seniors park warm.  i computed 'til signal quit.  went to college safe way checked toothpaste bought half price macadamia nuts and sale lettuce.  mission i did games 'til low charge slowed computer even more.  ate home made chicken wrapped lettuce.  home stead safe way half price dark chocolate almond coconut, 2 corn 15 cents ea, and toothpaste.  dropped off 2 bags groceries st just tried computer no signal, main none. 

came home 2:30 brought in bins.  house lovely cool, outside 88 o.  ate second chick wrap, sampled candy, macadamia.  nuked corn so good ate second one too.  

ate second lettuce wrap dinner.  ice berg sweet crispy.   

perfect right now

bbq chicken lettuce almond sesame b'fast.  readied the bins put them in the driveway.  watched sit fit and stretch.  directly to senior park picked up 5 bottles newspaper walked stretched.  internet reception gave out.  i walked parking lot but no where to sit to compute.  

mission medium reception.  i mailed insurance.  i parked next to driveway i love redwood.  so peaceful.  listening to healing.  

hooray! at least this page isn't freaking on me.  i did all my games and oldie sweeps.  11:30 still in shade.  i may be back tomorrow.

coupon $3 off colgate gum toothpaste exp tomorrow.  freebie big lots drink today only.  drove local.  bought more hemp seasoning.  home shortly after 1 for games.  cooked cauliflower heated chicken with bbq.  yum.  i was feeling tired 'til i remembered i hadn't eaten.  

i napped in the cool house.  lovely quiet.  

very good lovely cool

woke at 5 stayed in bed 'til 6.  no ill effects.  watched 'sit fit' remembered st just chicken to cook preheated oven.  removed skin and fat half the weight and size.  washed drained laid in pan with herbs and curry.  set oven 40 minutes 350.  cooked yesterday onions from mac salad with corn beat in 2 eggs topped dollop cream cheese 2 plain sliced bread.  last night i sprinkled garlic topped with slice cheese and toasted.  yum.  put chick in containers juices in bottle.

did my supplements.  i'll need more multi.  maybe cost co.  9 decided early library.  stopped at yard sale 2 films dollar each.  back main library computers darryl extended to an hour 'til waiters.  so i stretched in chair walked stretched on bars.  lovely cool today.  

still processing fear and shame.  i feel a little better.  i wonder if mom and dad ever thought of what their parents endured.  we wouldn't have suffered asian hate if we'd stayed in hawaii.  true to form dad made it worse.  

shame and fear

the family tradition.  grandparents immigrants to work sugar cane, pineapples fields.  dad one of 6 kids mom's family also 6 kids.  the grands met and married here.  mom 1 of 6 dad 1 of 6 maybe all they had in common.  i can only surmise.  tossed and turned feeling the family program.  must have been terrifying coming on a boat for months in 1900's.  

i waited for jason but maybe i missed him.  i pulled a few weeds.  washed car windows.  saved sweet pea seeds.  i checked on garden tools available.  if every day like today i love it.  just right goldilocks day.  i remembered fill up gasoline.  $3.79/gal.  

i picked up and ate tiny lunch and put weekend food in cooler.  lucky's freebie smart water clearance noodles.  safe way lettuce clearance hash.

i did wheel, lotto, word, sweeps, quiz, scratch.  some laptop some main lib.

police out

yesterdays shootings in san jose.  and i could hear the choppers.  last year gilroy.  and i pray.

i have to fill gas.  and take care of bills, business.  a child has all that taken care of in return for enslavement.  at least i did.  i loved the lack of abuse.  some lacks are good.  lack of disease. 

i've never had a childhood.  i think a lot of dementia is the body trying to regain childhood.

i parked next to seniors on street even better than across.  huh.  parking was taken when i got here and the view is better and shade is expanding.  i emptied garbage.  i finally remembered.  i don't know where i've been.  i stretched today, i skipped yesterday.  i skipped games too.

book mobile showed up and cody remembers me.  i checked out 8 movies and picked up white w/purple book bag.  score!

picked up lunch wanted to dump tray after i ate but i brought home recycle to wash.  i couldn't not recycle.  makes me wonder how other people do it.  may be autism.  another reason we're the world's best shot at continued existence.  we solve problems because we are tenacious.  it's a part of our dna.

came home 2:30 puttered and rested.  4:45 jason beal fire man called to clear weeds.  will check out yard tomorrow 8 am after his 24 hr shift.  doesn't seem safe.  the idea of help gave me a stomach ache.  i might be disappointed betrayed once again.  i want to reciprocate.  i feel like i should.  i must pay for everything.  so i have stomach ache.

tossed and turned upset.  fear and shame embedded in my cells conditioned from a lifetime of abuse.

movie not good

i've decided to do only what needs to be done.  i follow my heart.  i picked up lunch, st just cris gave me sandwich lunch john gave me groceries, home by noon.  just like when i first started going to senior center.  i felt closer to mom there.  i dropped her off when dad refused.  kaiser insisted she take classes there after she survived her suicide attempt 1993 or they'd cancel her medical coverage.  when he saw he couldn't isolate her he took her. 

when i first started going i went a few times a week exhausted.  it took all my energy to dress myself and go.  i'd make my lunch in case i got low blood sugar.  sometimes i'd eat there sometimes i came home too exhausted.  sometimes the 3 mile drive was too much and i'd have to pull over to rest.

i gradually built up my strength 'til i could stay all day, then i started exercising.  my back was still messed up, my muscles still bound.  that's why whiplash injuries don't show up for 6 months or more.  the more intense the muscle trauma the longer it takes for the injury to present itself.  healing only happens in relaxed muscles.  the body seizes up freezing the muscles as a survival mechanism when escaping danger.  that's why post traumatic stress doesn't present until the person is safe, out of danger.  to experience trauma while it's happening would reduce survival odds.

my left arm and shoulder are still frozen.  my right side and left side look like two different bodies.  they don't match.  my right side hurts more but that's because the left side is still numb.

latest i've ever been

and the world continues.  no disasters, or catastrophes.  seniors i waited in line, picked up lunch and stretched.  i drove to mission but no internet so on to main i parked in back and found more toys at john's.  darryl extended computer time.  i just remembered i forgot wheel. 3:30 is too late.  i did aarp.  i must still be a little stressed.  i've been wondering about when to do laundry.  i must remember to focus on myself and what i want to do.  

my back injury is my life changing event.  doing too much for my family almost killed me.  much easier to read ella enchanted.  i've been trying to change my life for 45 years now.  

ella enchanted main lib

i was going mission but main lib has copy so i'll go there and pick up st just.  this is updating automatically.  it did at the beginning and stopped.  another mystery.

i ate an egg and rice.  the brown rice doesn't cook with sweet sour.  still a little crunchy.  good though.  tasty.

some days-sun day

i have to reload page others i don't.  still a mystery to me.  well, all electronics.  theory i'm great applied not so much.  maybe it's the relentless wind.  i'm coughing and sneezing.  i'm playing my games ever so slowly.  gives me lots of time to think and keeps me from tunnel vision obsessive gaming.  so thank you g j.  much wiser than i.  games so slow it's good i get 10x points.

i got to seniors early and the paper was here so probably dropped last night.  i considered the man in camper.  but then he had all night to pick up and the first time i noticed was after noon.  

i walked stretched strengthened.  i forgot to bring lunch.  i have pork chop to cook, rice, peas.  and lots of breads.

got home at 1 put out bins, cooked pork chops with pickled onions, cleaned, sorted.  cut up loaf.  peas freezer burned i added carrots.  watered porch plants.  ate some bread with cream cheese.  feeling tired after hour and half straight chores.  neck aching.  feeling dehydrated i drank water, feeling better.  

very mellow.  don't care what day it is.  i have problem with time.

gluckschmerz

already 1 yard sale

found the location nothing i wanted.  mostly furniture.  and dollar store.  scored 4 clearance, watch batteries, 3 amber m wash.  

stopped by john's found ella enchanted good to read while slow internet i don't mind at all.  i'm reliving mom's funeral.  in the movie i didn't get she was cursed with obedience like me.  aspergers i can't lie or argue without feeling ill effects in my body.

sitting main front swim meet took all back parking.  just sitting computing, waiting for slow internet, listening to healing depression in the cool.  heaven.  i wonder how many listening 'til old negative programming erased.  i brought lunch.  bagel eggs corn salad.  i took it home.  the yolks were delicious.  

i got tired waiting for slow laptop and parked st just walked and used main desktop, stretched in  ergonomic chair.  after gaming i walked stretched on bars at park.  weather just perfect.  i wore my hot pink ruffled top and red ruffled lady bug skirt of tee fabric oh so comfortable.

home 1:30 for lunch and classic concentration.  ugh, sports tonight.  i guess it's like watching exercise programs for the general public.

they're open 5/21/21

maybe 'cause it's fry day.  longer lines extra weekend food.  sometimes not done 'til 12:30.  lot is open early.  i still parked across under tree.  oh, extra food delivered to front.  only open for food delivery.

my tummy upset.  maybe a little too much exercise this morning but i was bored.  citrus candy fixing it right up.  my right hand arthritis achy.  right rib still very sore.  bruised bone feeling.

juan called re weeds.  he'll put in another call to fire dept.  i told him mall' reached out here at seniors.

i walked, stretched, picked up lunch 2nd set up for weekend food much faster.  i put in cooler.  

freebie guru 12 oz pick up lucky's.  blond woman checker always kind and knowledgeable.  clearance pork chops in cooler.  on to cup lib then safe way free french bread, half agave syrup, free water $5 sushi.    

home 2:30 feeling tired.  i put everything away and rested.

i did it all.  at every task i considered whether to continue or go home.  good job of pacing myself.

did my games at main

extended to hour.  thank you darryl.  i walked and returned 2 books, renewed. 

i didn't get hungry 'til 1:30.  no sauce or gravy for whole wheat pasta so i layered everything in a bowl and topped with smoked gouda 2 minutes on hi.  it was baked fish instead of lemon pepper chicken.

so i've been organizing.  i finished the valentines cookies.  i'm still remodeling clothes.  i'd like to start a crochet project but i don't know what.  i'm watching noir on channel 2.3 movies.

tomorrow county lib.

watching 'mom' tammy gets birthday call from long lost dad.  she thanks him for remembering.  made me cry.  my sisters never ever remembered.  i sent them cards, bought them cakes and no one, not mom , dad or sisters cared.  i reminded mom of their b'days.  so selfish self-centered they never thought of anyone else unless they specifically wanted something from them.  

parked across street w/internet

i'm listening to healing depression.  must be working.  i easily transplanted pine sage.  organized porch a little.  i have 2 books to return, fruit to take carlos, a new attitude.   

dollar tree bought chips and feather butterflies.  after seniors lunch pick up i went to car los but no parking i continued to college safe way clearance macadamia.  no french bread.  tried carlos again and dropped off.  home 1:30.  cooked potatoes and carrots added to progress split pea.  yum, so good.  5 i fell asleep half hour.  i guess transplanting, organizing and running around was more tiring than i realized.  

watching 'delirious' 1991 and 'vice versa' 1988 the people in my life are actors to teach and wake me up.  i'm learning how to direct my energy.  that's what we are: energy.

easy and effortless-human beings vs human doings

it took me less than half hour to recycle.  left home 9:51 drove to danny's recycle.  they have helpers bringing bins and i'm shaking.  my life has been so hard.  i'm not used to help.  i've always been the helper.  unbalanced.  the family punished me when i got outside help.  they'd tell me i was weak, taunt me with past mistakes, make my life harder by creating obstacles.  all i had to do was load the bins and collect $8.10.

i've paid all my bills but the mail from yesterday the one from 1/11 radiology was $15.  i exercised at home while cooking and cleaning so stretching was minimal.  

i'm just going to sit here stunned and shaking.  i remembered olive cheese bread safe way i wanted the morning bake.  stood in line picked up lunch and went to safe way.  overcooked not as good.  i'm disappointed.  ate for dinner.  i checked clearance bought soup.  

may from seniors was standing with walker waiting for her assistant at checkout.  she had a car accident.  we talked she asked if the library open.  i told her the limitations and asked if she's online.  not yet.  she's going to call them regarding free internet.  i went to my car and got her the bookmark with the hours and phone numbers.  i love doing for others.

and while i wait for home response i continue to make adjustments to my life.  i moved tank straps to make them fit better.

7:15 tom returned my sat day call, during his walk, resentful i asked city for help.  during jeopardy he's known for 36 years.  no respect for me and my life.

restart secret at home.

i called until i talked to juan.  he's going to see what help i can get.  

i've been so depressed like always.  i checked 4 shirts from corner room.  

clean up came 10 am.  recycle and garbage done i brought in bins.  

i checked for young rock not on tv schedule.  

picked up lunch, spotty reception i went to back main.  walked to john's to update on yard.  more books and clothes.  used lib computer fast games.  went safe way free baby carrots bought water.  then am tires air check, and car registration tags aaa took long time and 1.72 % charged to use card and paid next year 9/23 road assist.  done and done.  

home in time for 'love boat' brought in gleaning, soil, lunch.  

caffeine in sparkling ice grapefruit drink.  adding to my insomnia.  

fear

i called silent unity racked with fear and anxiety.  the old life.  i asked for guidance.  she stayed on the phone 15 minutes praying with me.  i put them in my phone and found i have the option of adding to sim card.  

i showered washed my hair.  sat with myself feeling.  i want love.  i want someone who cares about my happiness.  who wants me happy.  the family delighted in making me feel miserable.  and my major relationships were those people too.

i wanted to run out and chop weeds cactus.  no, not a job for me.  i came to seniors early hoping to see newspaper delivery, no paper.  albert maintenance working on a sun day.  checking park for weekend litter.  we talked for what seemed like hours wasn't even one hour.  we talked so much, covered so much bible.  my sun day church.  he's a street minister.  he was shot during a robbery and almost died.  he's literally a born again christian.  he said he normally works prune ridge park. where 13 year old me was raped by 18 year old friend of alien who said he loved me.  puts a new light on that park.  

and my hips are on fire.  must be the sockets.  it is so lovely cool in the shade.

i can feel john pulling.  my aspergers is more pronounced.  my midsection is healing.  if and when i'm  finished i'll be stronger than ever, remodeled scar tissue.  it's getting lovely warm i'm getting drowsy.  1:46.  time to move.  drove to john's 8 boxes books. i found 2 books 1 black plastic tool box.  he must have spent entire day out front.  shared my problem he said he'd have time in 2 weeks.  gave me his card with email address.  maybe city will have referrals.  hope it's done way before that.  weeds be gone.

gary williams cleared the front and back in one hour.  of course, that was when the orchid lattice kept down most of it maybe.  i don't know.  i just know i could barely move back then and he was done in an hour.  seemed like a miracle.  i arranged for him to stay at the indio timeshare for a week.

the emotions i'm feeling have been suppressed for such a long time.  like anything under pressure erupting in waves subsiding to erupt surprising me again and again.  i wasn't allowed to express any feelings.  i was beaten and humiliated for being human.  i'm terrified of everything at this point.

back lot main

i'm eating my cheddar biscuit bacon cheese egg.  $4 a little disappointed.  american cheese.  oh, well.

i went to jack in the box, yard sale new boots $5, dollar potting soil 6 small manageable bags, at john's gave him (found at park) big blue styrofoam plane.  main lib half hour games.  outside, goose tracking me reminded me i didn't blog.  i sat outside to update.

i watched 2 docs early this morning.  chased me out of house.  oliver sacks and tu david phu.  so different and yet the same.  they had loving support during tough times.  i have silent unity.  

i got letter city code enforcement weeds and fence.  i need help.  juan padilla.  all those fears came rushing back.  tom wants me helpless.  he wants to be able to resent me when i ask for help.  he always says to ask.  my family.  i get it now.  cut out of the herd, isolate, use.  all the times i got out of my bed to rescue him.  doing his taxes for years, driving to rescue him when he ran out of gas in s j on the freeway, going on gigs with him when everyone else couldn't stand him, wouldn't talk to him.  family.

woman came to door asking if i was giving away my porch plants during clean up.  no.  she proceeded to pick 2 cactus flowers barehanded.  ouch.  todds next door cut down their date palm put in street for yearly clean up.  i want to run out and cut down cactus.  i can't too late in day.  my back wouldn't let me sleep.  

fang shun-water

internet slow i'm reading feng shui carol tiebert.  from city lib.  i tried to set up blog didn't work.  i'll try again tomorrow.  or maybe not.  

i've been focusing on what i want.  my childhood was mostly what i don't want.  that's the past.  

20 yr death day-j vonderlin

i feel like i turned a corner.  i went to seniors catching every green light.  i picked up my lunch spotty computer reception went to main.  on the way thanked neighbor putting out more books from girlfriend who died.  he had a lot of people die.  a litany of the people he took care of.  and now he's living with his handicapped uber driver younger brother.  i don't understand how he can do it but ok.  

i found white poly fabric in the garage while checking the tv size.  i can make 2 skirts.  i'm taking my time thinking about where i want to add the tv.  della kept the remote so i can use the dollar one i have in storage.  if i can manage to program it.  i have no patience with electronics.  i blog because i have no one.  when i was 25 i knew i needed to get out of my head and asked for a journal for my birthday from my ex.  2 weeks before my birthday he asked what i wanted.  i made a list of everything i could think of and he got me nothing i asked for.  he said he wanted me to be surprised.  i was shocked.  i bought my first journal myself.  next year he tried to pull the same thing i told him no i was willing to take the chance i might actually get something i wanted.  i don't know if he even understood how he didn't want me to have what i wanted.  

feeling good 8 am

taxes done for another year.  went to main after lunch pickup since mission 3-7.  darryl extended half hour limit as i was the only patron.  paul helped me print my copy $1.20 hurrah!!  

i continued to write auntie's letter and decided to also send thank you card.  no pickup i'll drop off.  i'll mail both together.  i've been moving more dancing around a little.  and continuing to make small adjustments to my life.  i went out 6:30 to wash car windows.  

i dropped music box on carpet, came apart i put pieces back together still works.  lovely cool.  

sitting seniors.  fajitas tasty messy.  mission strict half hour limit.  so i'm using laptop.

1:15 i called della checked out tv.  i didn't want to carry it down stairs.  too big and bulky.  she was giving away shoe case too.  tom came home and put them in my car.  drove home catching every light let into construction traffic perfect drive.  took in lunch and laptop opened garage.  used rolling bucket for tv and shoe case stored in garage.  hurrah!  i half expected them to rescind the offer.  they've done it before to give to nieces.  i just don't trust them.   

such a beautiful day.  not hot not cold just right a goldilocks day.  i'm tired.  

watched 'love boat' and rested and stretched.  i love all this time to myself.  cooked diced potatoes added to can chicken barley soup.  i ate half saved half for b'fast.  only a can of corn would be better. 

home 12:30

waiting for lunch i saw in postal preview letter from auntie.  i'm excited.  i felt good so i went to mission and started tax ordeal.  as expected ludicrous questions to wade through.  bea recommended tax service and pay $130.  i don't think so.  it's a beginning.  i have login written down.  i'm taking my time.  mom was always rushing me.  i wonder if that's why tom is so slow.  it used to aggravate me.  now i think it's a challenge how slowly can i manage to go.

i put out bins.  i could put them out early.  sun night.  mom always made a dramatic crisis of it.  it's only garbage not the end of the world and yet i'm left with the feeling that isn't even mine that it's so important.  no wonder she had high blood pressure.  she was important to me.  i brought them back in before i left for seniors.   

tom mom day

went to big lots for freebie hand sanitizer 2 black cherry drinks no grapefruit.  on to $tore m wash, d, fish oil, 3 chips.  they actually had.  tried kiely no computer went to seniors picked up paper, drain spout.  considered clean up exploring nothing i needed.  

i'm still adjusting my feral inner child.  

i decided no computing games or research.  as soon as i tried i got tremendous stomach ache came home barely made it to bathroom.  ate some lemon drops to settle stomach.  lunch i ate pasta salad with sesame seeds.  considered discarded yard work.  i want to do tomorrow bins.  

tom mom called acknowledging my card not sticker.  he complains.  he said he was getting ready for bed he wakes at 5 for 7 am shift.  he could be lying.  probably lying.  he admitted he had cake d baked no details and i didn't feel like asking for more.  he makes me feel anxious and tired.  so family familiar.  

i started opening house at night to cool off.

elective mutism

book i picked up neighbor freebie on curb page 62 about traumatic childhood feral child.  i read it to be entertained and it's me.  raised by abusive wolves.  

sitting thinking

i picked up lunch tiny seafood gratin very tasty.  i even liked the shrimp.  the sauce was delicious.  soggy cherry'cobbler' leaked all over bag.  i guess i don't need $5 fruit tart or do i?

paid city bank and got my lucky's $3.39 freebie quaker cheddar rice crisps.  i planned it and did it.  

i wish i were clearer on what i'm doing.  i went safe way did my thing half off honey cornbread mix we'll see.  sitting main 3 pm suddenly feeling very tired.  allergies and slow internet frustration.

home i rested, sorted senior food.  ate mac salad and cherry mess.  cleaned up and settled in.  watched 'love boat'.  i'm feeling better.  

i watched amy tan documentary.  made me sad and angry.  made me wonder if her mother ever beat and threatened to kill her with kitchen knives or sewing shears.   

i'm arranging my life.  i copied the bagua online for my pink marble perfect home.  i'll leave the specifics to my subconscious.  i'll study and meditate.  

somehow laff tv is now this tv.  8 pm john candy in 'delirious'  so funny.  a parody of my family characters.  

i'm feeling authentically angry.  these ads about anti asian attacks i've suffered my whole life even from my family.  i've gotten very good at detecting prejudice.  things as subtle as making me stand in line while others are waited on.  i've even commented on being invisible aloud.  people look shocked that i have the nerve to speak up.  sometimes they don't realize they're doing it other times they stare at me pointedly trying to intimidate me to get me to back down.  and men treating me like a concubine whore.  from the time i was 8 avoiding men grabbing at me.  

what???

lunch today a mystery.  the tough tandoori chicken is just chili, cauliflower and the ginger carrots flavorless.  i wouldn't know they're carrots except for the shape and color.  i wonder what they do with all the flavor?  bottle it and sell it?  

i'm parked great cool spot under tree mission library with reception.  tygj.  i don't know what to feel.  someone is parked in driveway or i'd be there.  lovely cool north breeze.  don't like the bugs though.  

i'm going to have to use lib for taxes.  this lap is doing strange things.  inserting games into blog tabs.  all deleted emails back in queue.  

i came home 2 pm deliciously, delightfully bored.  i discovered i had tax papers in back.  tomorrow.  

watching 'b positive' being numb i experienced neutrality.  no negatives.  no positives.  

i  cooked 5 eggs in the toshiba automatic cooker on medium.  i have to try soft.

tom substitute mom

i dreamed tom and della came to pick me up for road trip.  i was getting ready hall bathroom where mom died.  i decided i would send him card after debating with myself and deciding no.  looking for a card i found my xmas list 4 addresses.  i can send walter a card.  my eric replacement.  

i'm listening to heal depression anytime.  seems to work better than anything else.  i now realize i've been killing myself doing what others wanted, empowering them.  today i practice living for me.  my god given, god driven life.  the tv show b+positive raised the question would i donate my body for my sisters NO!  i gave to our parents.  i watched a news snippet saying asians had a harder time finding donor matches.  heavens NO!  i'm done or i'm done for.  

a big part of my diminishing interest in online games is the poor performance of the sites.  takes hours to play a game that should take seconds.

i don't know who bill whittaker jeopardy guest host is.  he seems so dull he'll probably be permanent.  i guess i'm used to a big ego.  the other guest hosts had big personalities.  big egos.  my family and exes had big egos.  i need someone dull and comfortable.  restful.  

today i have tv guide

i want to watch 'young rock'.  and i discovered i can go back emails to list from specific.  and now as i delete old mail it's going odd.  i started with 100.  

i wanted to look at taxes.  i have all the numbers together i just need the fed tax table.  i'm thinking of putting it towards next years taxes.  when i feel stronger i'll do it.  i asked tom for help like he did when i was sick.  i should have told him to hire someone like he told me instead of doing his taxes for years and teaching him how.  

i'm blessed i have tv.  i'm so alone.  my sisters hate me as my mom taught them.  they hate me like they hated her.  i'm just a substitute.   all my major relationships have been with people who used me up then dumped me.  i don't know how to have a healthy happy relationship.  i've always wanted good people in my life.  my ex wanted stuff.  my family wanted money-stuff.  

i want happiness.  they all stole from me and i was told don't feel like that.  and when i was beaten i was forced to stop crying or be beaten more.  i was burned with incense.  my sisters blamed me for their mistakes and i was punished.  i learned to numb my feelings.  they learned to avoid punishment.  

what a good girl am i

did my banking and i'm sitting waiting to pick up lunch.  i put out bins last night and brought them in 9:55 before leaving.

i'm feeling so sad.  mom and dad.  my judgments about their lives make me sad.  they loved each other in their  way and lived their lives as they chose.  my judgments are sad not them.  i've been feeling sad for the wrong reasons.  i'm feeling sad because my childhood was sad.

i'm still feeling so tired.  i took willow and i'm drinking mild caffeine water trying to stay awake.  i came home 1 pm after eating lunch in car at mission too tired to get out of car.  that's new.  not forcing myself to perform like a trained seal.  i was so exhausted i didn't want to fall asleep in car again.  computing will have to wait.  i considered going to pay cost co.  it can wait.  it can wait on me.

my health and comfort #1.  i'm #1!!  wow.

i can't believe how much i've already done today.  i checked tv programs turned off 'til 2.  i remembered to check mail for i r s letter i saw in email preview.  p g e credit $5.05 remaining.  hurrah!!  letter from president joe biden re $1400 stimulus i received direct deposit 3/12.  i checked bank statements.  i'm good for another month.  

i love watching game shows and how people interact besides what i may learn.  bill cullen was handicapped i think childhood polio.  

'time walker' strange movie space mummy.

61 o

i collected recycle and garbage.  i filled gas tank 9 am.  almost forgot i wanted my lucky's freebie.

feels so much hotter sweating.  i went l x lucky's for free aha caffeine drink.  dollar for amber m wash and chips.  the sesame pretzel are so addicting.  i crave sesame.  

i'm sitting kiely in the shade, about to stretch.  walked around park stretched.  writing out bills.  lovely cool breeze.  lost reception drove to kiely p o locked up.  i want stamps.  drove past st j church and main.  so i went to senior park picked up paper and computed.  i went to franklin p o locked although posted not to happen 'til 5/16.  i mailed bill and came home.  i finally feel at home.  i was treated like a slave and dreaded being here or anywhere.  i put out bins checked porch plants.

i watched vintage 'it's a wonderful world' 1939.  i cooked sliced onions 5 min high added diced carrots, celery, potatoes 5 high 10 simmer.  added cooked chicken and toasted bagel and cheese.  cooked more veg for b'fast.  rested watched more movies.  sore right back ribs and arm from 2014 front porch fall.

opened clearance cookies sugar coma i slept an hour.  

i love not obsessing over completing games.