fear

i called silent unity racked with fear and anxiety.  the old life.  i asked for guidance.  she stayed on the phone 15 minutes praying with me.  i put them in my phone and found i have the option of adding to sim card.  

i showered washed my hair.  sat with myself feeling.  i want love.  i want someone who cares about my happiness.  who wants me happy.  the family delighted in making me feel miserable.  and my major relationships were those people too.

i wanted to run out and chop weeds cactus.  no, not a job for me.  i came to seniors early hoping to see newspaper delivery, no paper.  albert maintenance working on a sun day.  checking park for weekend litter.  we talked for what seemed like hours wasn't even one hour.  we talked so much, covered so much bible.  my sun day church.  he's a street minister.  he was shot during a robbery and almost died.  he's literally a born again christian.  he said he normally works prune ridge park. where 13 year old me was raped by 18 year old friend of alien who said he loved me.  puts a new light on that park.  

and my hips are on fire.  must be the sockets.  it is so lovely cool in the shade.

i can feel john pulling.  my aspergers is more pronounced.  my midsection is healing.  if and when i'm  finished i'll be stronger than ever, remodeled scar tissue.  it's getting lovely warm i'm getting drowsy.  1:46.  time to move.  drove to john's 8 boxes books. i found 2 books 1 black plastic tool box.  he must have spent entire day out front.  shared my problem he said he'd have time in 2 weeks.  gave me his card with email address.  maybe city will have referrals.  hope it's done way before that.  weeds be gone.

gary williams cleared the front and back in one hour.  of course, that was when the orchid lattice kept down most of it maybe.  i don't know.  i just know i could barely move back then and he was done in an hour.  seemed like a miracle.  i arranged for him to stay at the indio timeshare for a week.

the emotions i'm feeling have been suppressed for such a long time.  like anything under pressure erupting in waves subsiding to erupt surprising me again and again.  i wasn't allowed to express any feelings.  i was beaten and humiliated for being human.  i'm terrified of everything at this point.