i wondered predator/prey

what makes celebrity.   like the Kardashians.  people are fascinated by stars.  they call them stars because they're seen as distant untouchable bright spots of light.  i'm fascinated by the seemingly benign threatening Sigourney Weaver.  in the 'alien' movies she works as part of a team surviving alien attack.  yet her personal survival is foremost.  her aspect is borderline predator/prey.  that's how i still love my sisters.  i can't turn my back to them unless i want to be knifed but i still love them  which is good since we share dna so hating them would be hating myself.  i love them just don't trust them.  

i dropped off recycle 8 am.  picked up lunch after exercise and called Inge.  picked up 5 more bags dropped off on the way to library.  stopped at nob hill for tamales they don't stock.  clearance white chocolate walnut.  spent 2 hours gaming computing bought $3 new 'cheaper by dozen' for charm included and change.  lots fresh movies in bookstore.  filled water.

home rest relaxation.  

everyone's a mutant inge poso b'day 1/29

since we're all unique.  

i called inge and picked up some recycle.  she has a lot.  i can go back next week.  tomorrow she and jeanie are having lunch.  i checked lettuce still good.  feeling very tired.  lucky's free can soup 2 eggs 2 toast and chips.   

sat 1/29 - 10 am been awake since 4 pain racked.  couldn't decide on b'fast.  most important to put fuel in before burning.  i ate a sleeve of ritz.  7 i finally mixed plain and blueberry oatmeal.  added sliced almonds.  ate half.  took supplements and filled for next week.  cooked quinoa to add to can soup or ramen.  lined up can chicken.  i'm good.  i folded and put away laundry in 3 batches.  all in the past i pushed myself quicker harder because the family pushed me.  useless effort and suffering.  i'm celebrating ease.  i added tag to plaid hoodie, sewed projects.  productive.  i thought about going gym but i don't want to drive.  

sun 1/30- i'm watching 'any day now'.  i couldn't watch it before with the hypocrisy still rampant at the time.  i know what makes me sad.  i've been doing my projects.  i want to soak so i'm waiting 'til football.  the roads and stores will be abandoned.  i cleaned the big cooler mess from chicken.  

watching 'gaslight'.  if i hadn't seen it as a child i might have succumbed to the lies of alien and ex.  the mind games to control others.   

WOW!!

went to seniors balking, feeling sore and tired.  went upstairs computed gamed stretched on ergonomic chairs.  10:30 i went to gym, changed, warmed up stretched, changed, picked up lunch in t shirt so warm 42-72 o.  waited 'til car in front moved.  Inge showed up.  we chatted.  she offered recycle.  i guess i'll wrap mom's Hummel figurines.  if the witch sisters wanted it it'd be long gone.  driving to library i needlessly worried at malfunctioning traffic signal.  everyone took their turn.

.    

   

maybe this (my stroke) is resetting  everything.  i just noticed the back seat headrests in my rear view mirror.  distracting.  and the sound of my dress hem rubbing my boots as i walk.  flash.  aspergers mutation is everyone.  everyone has a unique gene signature.  we're all of us mutants.    

 

stroking

and i'm ok with it.

bestest

oh, yeah oink oink.  got here 10 'til 1 open and #1 parking.  

i went to panda thinking opened 10:30 but no 10 am not a lot of choices.  feb 1 red envelopes!!

on the way to gym 2 $v $tore amber wash and flashlights finally remembered ramen.  

soaked stretched relaxed.  walked safe  way i keep buying oatmeal

library

 

Cody @ bookmobile let me know city is shutting down again.  makes me sad.  

sunny vale book sale sun day Feb 13 Aaron's b'day, $5 bag.  still looking for healing cds.  listened to healing while computing gaming.  went early left early.  home at 2 i toasted unsweetened choc on a bed of sliced almonds.  delicious.  beautiful weather inspired me to cook grisly fatty hamburger.  decided to use med fine mesh strainer to cook cup quinoa.  i can eat high protein b'fast.  drained fat and stored hamburger used dish to cook cup of brown rice.  less cleaning used fat.  

removed bags from trunk room for laundry.  i want a cape for super me.

my self child

i'm integrating the vulnerable parts of my self.  i'm learning how to play.  the hypocrisy of my family is bitter to process.  i still hear their criticisms.  that's all i ever got from them except for one time nit said i had grace. 

 i'm doing what i want.  

 having a happy childhood!!

bit by bit

not thinking is hard and saves time and energy.  i dressed with back braces  collected garbage and recycle.   i don't like cooking.  too much clean up.  i used to meditate while cleaning now it's just a chore.

well not quite

this morning it occurred to me i've spent my entire life thinking and planning.  didn't make me happy.  so i'll follow my heart.  the mind is the tool to plan and get things done.  the heart desires and creates.  i dressed and decided to cook half sausage roll.  i ate some with last night's brown rice and peas for breakfast and will use the rest with pasta.

i found estate sale i saw one sign for yesterday but didn't find.  yesterday i drank 8 teaspoons of the beet powder mixed in 10 ounces of water.  too much at once upset my stomach.  i collected nice bag 8 medium 1 small binder clips, remnant lace, binding, for $1.  so i went to sprouts to use bathroom, bought pickled ginger and bullion.  bought med fine mesh strainer at Ross' only one left $4.  went to library stayed computed gamed listening to healing 'til noon.  went to second estate sale 2 blocks from first nothing.  i forgot to look for dvd cds.  silver leaf liquidators.  

came home watched concentration and puttered.  sewed red bag and started adding pocket to aqua bag.

i feel ok.  and with fresh purpose.  i feel recovered from the family curse.  the linguine and sausage sauce were delicious and the toasted pastry with extra almonds the perfect dessert.

back to routine

waiting for Carlos i sorted in garage without becoming depressed.  win!  everything is rearranged.  sisters have gone through all.  10:30 i called him to find out time lunch and he called back 11:30.  picked me up noon to return to shop i could pay him $150.  he cleaned carbon from accelerator plate.  i got to seniors i had called toke asked her to pik up my lunch she was halfway through her workout took break got my food.  i rearranged things in my car.  went to sunny vale and computed gamed.  

going beyond

i'm so busy living my best life.  i shampooed exercised put things in car organizing a bit at a time.  

thurs-1/13 1:30 pm sitting waiting for csaa tow.  transmission won't shift out of low.  no acceleration.  clunks when i shift.  Rhinnanon reassuring.  2:30 projected time.  so i have time to collect my fears.  i'm sitting in shade.  

daily word 'let go and let god'.  

went $tore for amber mouthwash found recharge flashlights, touch screen gloves clear face mask 25 cents orange cones.  i exercised a bunch put things in car bookmobile i gave Aggie and Cody fruit and flashlights.  started for sunny library remembered tire air check detoured no air check sign.  so i went Lawrence safe way almonds mini bear claws.  bbb nothing i wanted.  i still wasn't hungry i took Lawrence and car surged then lost power like clutch plate broken.  turned on flashers limped into grocery outlet parking lot.  called Carlos busy today.  tomorrow morning.  limped to Brookdale Pomeroy.  called Carlos again.  will tow csaa to his shop.  maybe i can rent a car.  i do love driving different cars.  i've called csaa 4 times now and still waiting.  wrong city address phone number.  worst service i've ever gotten in my life.  4 calls Michael sounded drunk or Parkinsons.  Kristin fortes bro. 

Carlos Gonzalez tow truck to Carlos Hernandez auto repair.  down Pomeroy to Benton to Alviso.  whew!!!  4:30.  long day and more to go.  Carlos diagnosed and will test accelerator sensor tomorrow.  drove me home 5:20.  i shouldn't feel so happy.  i loved riding in the tow truck and i trust Carlos H.  

i was so hungry

remembered today senior discount good will display box $5.  on to main computer for panda survey i remembered line dancing films.  and hula helped my autism.  Darryl helped me find them.  he thought to look new dvds.  i bet he's smarter than most people.  i checked bookstore 2 possibles line dancing and rumi cd.  God respects me when i work but sHe loves me when i sing.

went to seniors only dining is closed.  i saw toke going in and followed her to say hi.  i miss her.  

came to s v library.  car is running so smoothly.  it was rough before.  it's so quiet.  i changed my Wellesley shirt for cooler white cotton.  i ate my lunch listening to healing then went in computed gamed checked bookstore.  gym 2 was great saw Adrian from seniors.  detoured going home to lucky's and big lots.  used coupons and free soup.  Milton helped me find items.

home 5:45 already dark.  feels weird driving in the dark.  did a lot for a long day.

he really was my brother

Eric always charged me 500 and made me sit around waiting 5-6 hours.  Carlos charged $172 took 2 hours total.  and my peace of mind.  i gave him the groceries.  yay!  i don't have to drop off st just or library or seniors.  took me an hour clearing passenger seat space to get to glove box.  put things in trunk and back seat.  whew!  he drove me to pick up lunchroom center closed again.  back at garage parts delivered i ate while he changed the spark plugs and cabin filter.  i found a penny and lost it.  i blessed it.  when we left i insisted on locking car he said no one would touch it he never knew my sisters.

straight to sunny vale library i computed forgot panda survey paid city gamed.  looked through sale went to gym 2.  loud ginny from seniors there motivated me out of tub.  safe way i walked  bought lettuce found bright shiny dime blessing always works.  home still didn't feel like cooking meats.  shredded lettuce rice panda for dinner 3 donut dessert.  i don't know.  

happy child

since we grow around the child we always have that child inside.  sometimes good sometimes bad.  working with or against us.  self destruction is working against that inner child.  children are the creative part that destroys when frustrated and thwarted.  success or failure is a happy or not child.

11:30 i went to panda no chow mien i waited 20 minutes.  on to city bank to pay bill.  library i ate lunch.  low blood sugar i was shaking.  i'd forgotten how 20 years ago i frequently had low blood sugar and low blood pressure and pulling off the road until it came back up.  i felt like i was dying. 

celebrity wheel- having a meltdown on live television, martin short circuit.

most excellent do nothing day

 i do only what i want.

3 donut dinner

so far so good.  meat still frozen so i ate last piece of olive bread.  

i did a lot

i went to st just after seniors supposed to rain tomorrow.  picked up groceries and black partition bag and hooded sweatshirt.  dropped off at home.  i ate lunch at library quietly in car listening to healing.  i went in to use computer for panda survey and ordered gum and h2o2.  success.  i hope.  

feeling tired and anxious.  mom ate lunch every fry day with coworkers and dinner out with dad.  i cooked dinner and cleaned house since i was 8.  i was the mom.  no wonder i reminded men of their grandmas.  ex married me to take care of him while he played too like mom.  i'm feeling tired and anxious.  the first thing he did was quit his job so i could put him through college.

home at 3 i sorted food.  planned on giving away half like i don't deserve it.  i do.  i totally deserve all life's good.

i don't know

did my usual morning routine.  didn't wait for toke 11:30 went to laundry ate my lunch.  stopped dropped off laundry on to library.  somehow the plug didn't charge.  3 i decided i needed to go home and hang clothes.  and then i shredded lettuce for panda, heated grits and succotash.  so good a little of everything.  grits i cooked last night made quite a mess.  i cleaned half of it this morning.  i don't know why it boils over.  i figured out if i put bowl in disposable tray i can throw out mess.  doing chores a little at a time is so great.

8:30 i'm ready for bed.

remarkable

i spent a frustrating hour on hold to update world mark.  i stood in seniors feeling ok.  walter showed up and we talked 'til 1.  stopped at credit union deposit.  mission library closed.  back to seniors i called library to renew movies couldn't bookmobile items i'll wait 'til thursday.  

so when i went to sunny vale library i was already tired.   i remembered the Beatles white album cd for $4 so i took $20 just in case.  computed gamed charged.  3:30 i decided i wanted panda express.  i wanted to get there early before the dinner crowd.  i considered the gym but i was too tired.  i'm taking care of me.  big win.

home 4 pm i ate with rice and shredded lettuce.  napped and rested i feel good.  i decided i'll mail order gum instead of driving to store.

i'm such good company

just finished tiny lunch listening to healing sunny vale library.  i'll measure containers.  biscuit and chicken stew.  greens salad, canned fruit.  did wheel puzzles.

i loaded laundry in trunk, put Walter's Xmas mini village in house.   seniors 9 am favorite parking.  shampooed exercised carting things with me since i forgot locker lock.  worked out great.  my hips especially tight.  i thought soak and stretch enough but not.  put things in car after tidying fireplace room books and puzzles.  picked up lunch waited for toke in a hurry to exercise.  came here checking nob ad.  nothing today.  

1/1/22

never thought i'd live this long.  i was sure mom would kill me she threatened so many times.  and betty white 17 days shy of 100.  went to panda express 11 am open since 10:30.  

practically no one second parking space gym 2 found rubber palm sized kabuki ear bud holder.  set it atop car while i got out clothes.  took it to front desk belonged clerk of red sports car opened club 6 am.  he said he looked for it thought gone forever.

1 pm walked safe way clearance cornbread found 2 pennies.  i found and lost 1 yesterday rolled under register.  i blessed it and today 2.  i lost 1 and blessed it.  we'll see.

on to lunch at library even value panda and safe way.