been sitting relaxing

listening to healing.  clear sunny weather internet reception in car.  one second i feel exhausted the next energized.  today lucky's dish soap and safeway 98 cent head lettuce expire.  went to maria safway clearance unicorn cake and almonds looked for sunflower seeds.  walked big lots.  bought frozen 2 dollar chicken broccoli fettucini.  too tired to cook.  did not watch clock at all.  

i love the sweet cake but not the broccoli slaw with raisins.  i added raw sunflower seeds to balance the sweet.  

Gerda's purse zipper broke i found mom brand new purse to offer.  i stood with her in long lunch line yellow card yearly registration.  

i don't know

today i'm eating in car front of library but no internet due to overcast.  so listening to real life ambient sounds.  if i could see the big picture i'd maybe feel better about my choices.  maybe not.  feels like i've been here for days.  i watch people walking and they're in such pain and discomfort.  like when i believed my feet had to hurt.  until i worked in El Toro shoes i believed all shoes hurt.  the Leonetti girls taught me better.  i should google them.

may be why most people seem unconscious.  wrapped up in their personal pain.  no sensitivity left for the world.  

getting it together for next month

i feel so sad.  end/begin month blues.  i started planning out bills and budget.  living a new schedule feels unstable.  my autism rebels.  i'll power through.  in some respects my new behaviors are obviously better.  my back stomach are responding well and my muscles are releasing softening.  i'm trusting my life is improving.  i don't know.  

found a new for me movie '5 star life'.  and 2 books to read.  i've been practicing second disc of Anat Baniel workshop.  so simple and easy to overdue.  that's where the discipline is necessary.  i don't always know when i'm hurting myself.  a lifetime of pain is confusing.  

my exhaustion is from holding my emotions within since 18 months old.  protecting myself from the family onslaught.  i was physically threatened punished for having emotions i dared never show.  the misery anxiety fear anger i encased in a shell to survive.  too busy with surviving and distracted to know happiness and joy.  never allowed by my family jealous of any happiness or love.  all that training is stored in my body defending me from them.  

i feel i want to run away.  smokers are shallow breathers always ready to run, hunted animals.

new writing at library

i usually have nothing to say.  i finished gaming no longer addicted.  it was raining pouring and now it's calm.  i'm listening to healing.  since i've been eating lunch at home i have no internet connection and haven't been listening to you tube.  wonder if i'm missed.   

an hour library is better for my back for sure.  i started watching more anat baniel workshop and remembering tiny baby movements.  i've spent so much of the past 30 years suffering injuries i'm terrified of more injury.   i stopped and shopped nob hill trying orange chicken and brussel sprouts.  probably healthier than panda seems baked not fried.  i hope a healthy dinner.  

complaining is not conversation

i can't listen to it.  Walter and Gerda complain and it doesn't make their lives better.  the subconscious doesn't judge only creates more on what we focus.  

i found the 3 misplaced movies took half hour reorganizing car.  i exercised and computed.  picked up lunch Art took Pete's. i had Pete taste the amino he liked it.  i helped Gerda with lunch pick up.  on to university safe way for almonds found clearance sugar free bubble gum.  commiserated with sympathetic self check clerk.  i'm weaning myself off the nicotine gum.

straight to lucky laundry.  i washed laundry and ate my lunch.  so relaxed.  going home safe way bought slivered almonds no sliced.  home dropped off lunch salad rested deciding what i wanted to do.  went to sunny library for an hour charged computed looked up panda express.  used coupon for family meal 3 entree 2 sides; chow mien, steamed veg, 2 orange chicken, sesame chicken.  she offered 4 i asked for 5 fortune cookies.  how assertive of me.  i waited 20 minutes while they cooked more.  it was slammed at 3:30.   

home i brought in food first in house then laundry in garage.  hung laundry and ate to my heart and stomach's content and all 5 cookies.  oh, yes.  

i'd still give it all up for peace on the planet.  when will we learn that it takes whole heart ed commitment..  unless all are safe none are safe.  if the air is poisoned we all still need to breathe.

sun day

i want to throw a tantrum and don't know how.  beaten out of toddler me.  the old 'give you a reason to cry.'  the physical psychic pain kept all this frustration suppressed.  i can see the chaos around me without the denial.  every -aholic is avoiding feeling some life issue.

decided trinity church

plenty of time i wanted a dry run for time and finding location.  missed turnoff went back.  across from lucky's.  picked up intake form and envelope.  i asserted myself.  she wanted me to wait while she looked for markers to label and i told her we can do it during my appointment.  the old me would have quietly waited wasting everyone's time.  got to seniors 9 and waited for bookmobile looking for soc sec card.  returned 'the comedian' and Cody offered"DUNE" and recommended 'en canto'.  i have 3 movies somewhere in trunk.  i can look for it tomorrow while laundromat washing.  i picked up my lunch Greg took Pete's.  i'll take Pete Bragg's amino supplement see if he wants it.  ate at home nothing much on tv went to library home 2 pm.  watched '9 to 5' special features and "DUNE" excellent made me cry.  i was 21 when i read the Herbert book.  

6:30 pm Cathy called thanks for card.  she's getting medicaid benefits.  whew!  i was worried.

trying to stay awake

i woke feeling tired and sleepy.  lovely warm.  i loaded laundry in trunk moving things around.  will wash when i have more energy.  went to cost co filled gas $5.30 a gallon.  whew!  

parked on street behind senior center main lot closed for tree trimming.  exercised stretched computed.  picked up lunch Pete gave me his.  so nice to feel full after lunch.  exited through gym.  home i watched tv ate then finished sewing second paisley dress.  added pockets to both.  wore new one to sunny library.   so relaxing.  chatted with Steven Flanders walking his dog.  he dodged a bullet when nit dumped him.  

tomorrow planned new dress.  i'm so relieved no bone deep pain.  i can feel my exhaustion.  so much of my life i was numbed out due to too much input.  tilt.

i'm getting here

i'm playing my 3rd set mahjong.  i never used to play bonus game.

i'm happy.  i danced around this morning feeling energy.  my body weirdly better.  i gave Trudy "Princess Bride".

i loaded $6 recycle and liqueur.   Walter came early begging for bag to cover bottles saying he forgot.  i know him better.  he wants pity which i don't do.  ex cured me of that with whom i've been having lucid dream conversations.  Walter complained of tooth use hydrogen peroxide careful of gums, i told him to marry for benefits.  he just wants to complain.  his auto pilot is under the impression that's what he wants.  i explained if that's what he wants ok but it isn't for me.  growing from the same dirt i choose differently.  my choice.  i stay focused on how i want to feel what i want to see.  he's helping me refuse the past.  he complained about growing in pots i reminded him i offered my yard.  oy, what a world class complainer, right up there with dad.  i know how that story ends.  game set match.

so far so good

i went to dollar tree for q tips.  i may have some somewhere if the sisters haven't stolen them.  haven't found them.  bought clearance rainbow steering wheel cover 50 cents i needed.  i hate the way the plastic feels and it's cool in summer and warm in winter.  at seniors biked with Trudy 18 minutes relating Princess Bride plot.  she's never seen i'm giving her extra copy.  she and Kenny visiting relatives for a week she can watch it then.  

Pete didn't want his lunch so i have dinner.  came home watched tv ate then on to sunny library to return inter library loan.  found 2 movies i'd never seen.  home 3:30 i collected tax documents called for appointment.  

carol returned call Thursday 9 am.  i just need intake form pick up monday or thursday 9 to 11.  done and done.  

sunny book sale

9 movies, 3 music, 4 cases, $5.  i forgot until inside library.  how blessed i am.  no anticipation anxiety. 

happy b'day dad

started out normally.  i exercised and meditated who to give do nuts.  i forgot it was bookmobile day.  gave Cody and Aggie with clearance soft napkins i've had in car for years just in case i need tissues.  considered america's tire air top up until nail discovered in driver (left) tire.  i had to make appointment for inspection to fix or replace.  2 hour wait time i went to expressway safe way to eat  cabbage hamburger casserole lunch in shade.  yuck.  was like mom's fake corned beef cabbage.  historically canned corn beef sauteed with diced cabbage and teryaki on white rice.  sounds gross tasted like dessert.  of course both diabetic.

don't know what happened

pages appearing disappearing.  saw guard and i'm over my autistic fascination.  watching 'clue' reminds me of 'murder by death'.  so funny.  feeling stressed dad's 102 b'day if he hadn't died at 79.  so auntie his younger sister 96.  mom always jealously kept us separated from dad's side of the family or maybe the suicide details.  she didn't say anything 'til '93 when she took dad's sleeping pills.                                                                                                            weather has been so beautiful.  warm and clear.  picked up st just pantry and put away easily.  my back is looser.  i feel ok.  my stomach is ok.  i'm amazed.  stunned even.                          dad's anniversary 17 or 18 on his birth certificate.  he insisted they registered him late being born at home in 1920.  i don't know.  and will the x the 21st is bringing up anger and anxiety.  so much unnecessary trouble there too.   i married what i knew.  i forgive my ignorance.  it's hard never knowing love.  i never felt the lack before.  with the absence of adversity my attention is relaxed and open.  maybe that's why people create so much trouble for themselves and others attempting to avoid feelings of hope/helplessness by creating other known feelings of strife.  anger being a more powerful socially acceptable feeling.  people choosing anger which leads to cancer a self devouring poison.                                              fry day 18 feels like dad's real b'day.  i don't feel like doing anything.  being responsible i paid discover and gamed and computed upstairs.  picked up lunch Pete gave his i went to car called Walter doesn't want it waited to give him jacket and bag.  offered dad's alcohol he wants to pick up Tuesday senior parking lot.  he doesn't want me to come to his place hiding something.  new insight for me.  came home ate lunch stayed rested collected alcohol garage in rolling bucket.  did not go sunny.  i'm so ready to leave the past behind.  my sisters have gone through all my boxes.  leave them behind.

new behaviors to be and have new results

forgot towel and clean so spot cleaned and second day no exercise.  i chose not to return to car.  no self criticism no obsessive compulsive.  went st just pick up pantry home and ate lunch with 'medium'.  put everything away.  napped watching comedies.  so after wheel sunny library in the dark.  whoo...  malfunctioning page.  still deciding what to keep and who to give.  like 7 pastries.  give or keep.  i truly enjoy sharing, people's faces lighting up.    

everything crashed yesterday gone

only single page will open so what to do.  eventually came to cup after seniors.  Pete via art gave me an extra lunch.  nice to feel full for a change.  picked up hold main and returned.  talked to Daryl re hot spot he'll tutor me.  10 minutes to st j closed i forgot closed moon days.  got fresh vegs left out.  went home to eat intending sunny vale and to check power shut off for city tree trimming.  power never off watched medium.  sitting home relaxing i decided cup return pick up clue.  sat next to nice quiet young Asian man opened outlet i could charge chrome regained pages.  wrote out cards.  paid phone and city.  in car addressed and stamped cards to auntie and Cathy looked for post box drove back to city p o.  be sure they go out today. 

oh, yeah b 4 seniors dollar store for holiday cards and i gift carded bacon quiche at Panera.  well worth $7.  lunch and dessert in one.  i could eat every day.  

home 4:30.  watching my shows resting feeling remarkably well.  a miracle.  i keep monitoring.  new behavior to pay attention to my health.  i was taught i didn't matter.

DST easiest ever

i went around house changing time.   i took out garbage recycle bins.  i forgot to eat lunch and snacking on jerky.  i've been going through mess a little at a time to avoid burn out overdoing.  so far so good.  

just finishing lunch-UNIVERSAL FORGIVENESS

plenty of parking today.  guard came out to survey.  i'm shaded in my car with front windows open listening to 'guilt free'.  

came home early 2 pm i'm over my attraction to guard.  i learned it's an autism trait becoming fascinated with things and people.  

i ate 4 pieces candy gave myself stomach ache.  i cooked frozen broccoli to eat with chicken and rice.  made packaged Idahoan potatoes au gratin.  so easy boiled 3 c water added to package stirred simmered.  added broccoli.  3 servings settled my stomach.  i'm doing and eating what i want.  

sat 3/12 watching clue channel 2.3 on hold county for complete movie.  i made an instant cup coffee all milk from stored st just shelf stable i've had years due to expire this year.  sweetened T agave.  b'fast chicken broccoli.  i'm blessed.  i'll finish pink tent dress.  

mind/mental stretch simple and effective:  clasp hands noticing which thumb on top.  on purpose clasp hands with other thumb on top.  i realize we all have to forgive the past.  considering the revolutionary changes of the last 50 years our parents were unequipped to deal with the changes. 

running out of steam

sitting in furthest corner library.  didn't know it existed.  blustery wind high tree pollen making me feel tired and cranky.  i demoed for Trudy at seniors and may have over done.

slept 2 hours.  crawled out of bed so i can sleep tonight.  dehydrated i drank 32 oz.  stay hydrated avoid so many diseases.  

Cathy called from dr office.  she's better physically but has lost her medicare.  maybe she can get medicaid.  she's collecting records for her social worker.  she makes $124/mo too much.  $24 k is the limit.   she's going to appeal and i suggested she check with her church outreach for help.  

keeping me together

watching the news on Ukraine is hard.  i cried looking at the babies with shrapnel in their heads.  Putin is obviously a maniac.  no one has ever won a war.  everyone loses.

on a lighter note guard is playing peek a boo like tom perpetual child.  scratch.  i'm reading Dr Phil love smart.  very sensible.  

i baked and ate last 2 drumsticks.  cooked 3/4 c brown rice and penultimate madras lentil. just enough for b'fast.  i still have cooked chicken in fridge.

cooking drumsticks

to day so easy.  amazing when i'm not in pain.  i have more energy.  i feel calm relaxed.  i'm just practicing the 1 stretch.  can't really call it a stretch.  just lying down and moving.  so simple and powerful.  

i baked 6 at 375 80 min on parchment paper.  so easy to lift out minimum mess.  after cooling i de boned and cooked 6 more.  i can teriyaki last 2.   or not.

i did my regular routine came to sunny vale library lovely warm i ate my lunch on the patio in front under an umbrella.  i was so hungry i ate the orange too.  i drove all around the parking lot it was packed.  i decided since next week st. Patrick's i'll wait to pick up st just.  

unheard of

i took 2 count 'em 2 days off!  sat day i rested and sun day i finally finished sewing the pink tent and paisley dress and redid the jeans waist band.  perfection.

picked up Adams family 2 from main saw carol lunch volunteer in book store.  she grabbed and hugged me.  

checking ads today special moon day Progresso soup safe way like nob hill.  

hurrah!!

i'm relaxing.  i visited with Art.  Inge no lunch.  picked up Lucky's free cherry yogurt and dish soap out of stock substituted Gain.

watched Free Guy complex plot of self determination and Shang Chi village of Ta Lo=world peace colors blue and yellow Ukraine.  

Trump and Putin are afraid of death.  Covid has put them in touch with dying.  the cowards are afraid to commit suicide and want to take as many as they can down with them.  like so many dictators before them they prefer to sacrifice others in a useless attempt to avoid mortality.

picked up yogurt fry day freebie at lucky's and found gas treatment $2.19+tax hurrah!!

already a full day

did my seniors and picked up inge's recycle and dropped it off.  small bag $2.66.  and drove kifer to fair oaks to olive and here i am front of library.  ate lunch in car and just as i finished healing cut out went in finished gaming.  

tomorrow county library sunny closed supposed to rain.  sprinkles today left window open ok.  just damp.  stopped panda for dinner redeemed red envelope coke coupon survey extra orange chicken.  sesame dark meat knuckle bone.  still good.  ate all from 4-7:30.  cooked lima beans. 

being the best me i can be.

environmentally sensitive my whole life

i begin detaching.  that's what dementia is all about.  letting go.  i'm done recycling.  i used to obsessively recycle everything.  no more.  i've done my time.  i'm relaxing.  i did my regular routine, paid Citibank, filled car with gas.  filled water bottles brought them in.  i did a lot.  

1972 my stomach nerves are reconnecting.  past few days it's been talking to me and today it hurts.  i'm soothing it with citrus drops.  i know how to deal with the symptoms.  

weird taco salad and green salad

redundant.  that crazy senior center.  lucky i ate with hashi raw green onions and bell peppers i avoided.  looked online for chase half mile and Merriwest associate credit union.  and done.  i'm amazed.