2 more do nothing days

watching 'doc martin' dvd better than the first time on tv.  i can re watch uncomfortable bits 'til i feel better.  this is the year i use bigger screen.  

i went to walmart for a walk not knowing pharmacy opens 10 on sat.  i walked all over when i thought i'd check customer service desk.  i bought 3 biotin using rest of medicare due to expire today.  stopped walked homestead safe way.  still feeling ok swam gym.  had to park behind gym raining steadily.  just like hawaii 60 degrees without the 5 hour flight.  funny to walk in rain to swim in gym.  lunch b king burger jr fries chocolate candy and nap 1:30 almost 3 hours exhausted.  

i'm very pleased with my day.

i've driven 200+ miles

in 3 weeks.  it's not just me.  the world has replaced person to person relationships with tv the appearance of relationships.  social networks are the logical extension.  

i drove past cost co twice too crowded lunch and evening.  i'll try tomorrow.  

best time in history to be old

25 50 100 years ago misery to be old.  it's still no picnic but age is no longer treated like a contagious disease.  the industry of health care is little better than witchcraft with doctors parasites living off the elderly puffing themselves up as experts when most are only concerned with getting paid.  not interested in learning of a situation we're all destined to experience if we're lucky enough wise enough to live long enough to be old.  "live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse."

3 days left i tried ordering online otc walmart medicare for half hour got frustrated.  came home ate dinner called on hold hour took persia 7 minutes to fill my order.  due by 12/31.  i have $32 i can spend in store.  

i keep forgetting gw closed for remodel

i went my b'day and was disappointed and saved money.  

i went gym 8:30.  despite rain parking crowded.  steady rain all day.  checked dollar trees for multi completely out today.  none.  sunny vale finished 2 puzzles.  pondered using safeway gift cards for multi.  wolf i turned to browse clearance.  $3.50/60 multi women 60+.  2 more bottles $6 ea.  go figure.  dinner i cooked more potato carrot celery so salty.  added to last of chicken.  garlic bread for dessert.  

great oldies westerns.  lucille ball, loretta young.  celebrity jeopardy.  

24 hour rest

unlike 2001 bed rest vacation.  plenty of cooked food feeling ok.  24 hour fitness just open.

thinking of course in miracles.  i am here only to be truly helpful.  the only difference between heaven and hell.

i ate 3 pieces lemon cake and i'm feeling guilty so tasty.  i've always given away the best since mom always took it away to give to my sisters or just so i couldn't enjoy it.  alien throwing in garbage so i couldn't enjoy.  ouch.  so mean and cruel.  i couldn't figure out the crazy.

i'm marathon watching doc martin backwards 9-6.  listening to healing releasing guilt as non stop as i can.  change takes commitment.

happy b'day jesus woke midnight

i stopped expecting presents when i was 8.  while my sisters unwrapped their heart's desires i unwrapped socks, underwear for the year knowing i would wear hand me downs.  a new nightie and toothbrush for new year's was mandatory not to be used 'til then.  i thought i was cinderella.  always dressed in rags the servant, scapegoat, blamed for every misery and misfortune.  a strange feeling of impotent power.  amazing i didn't go crazy.  maybe the autistic disconnect saved me.  separated me from feeling permanent pain.  there's a common misconception we don't feel pain because we don't lash out.

people inflict pain when hurting like a rabid dog biting and killing.  

i choose love

louise hay and course in miracles.  fear or love i choose love.  we choose what and how we feel by willing.  mom slapped me to stop my crying to make herself feel better.  i wonder if it did make her feel better.  

maybe bullies are trying to force the world to love them.  sounds right since bullying is stupid.  violence is stupid.  destruction without purpose. 

thor love thunder

i'm loving it.  watched it 3 times so far.  taika waititi brilliant unless ideas stolen.  i'm carefully cynical.  like gorges calling my phone to test my veracity if i'm a liar.  why would he want anything to do with someone he thought a liar.  

actually forgot my purse home in packing x mas goodies.  10:53 seniors after returning to get bag in case i find something to buy.  oh dear i just realized i didn't plan on hilda and heather.  they get paid to be here.  i gave heather pen jessica cookies.  toothbrushes, lip balm.  

forgot safeway wed freebie freaked alien.  small c raisin.  oh, well.  i survived.  diane is major energy vampire.  i release toke.  

baked chicken

set it aside.  did a lot already w/o brace.  we'll see how i go.  back right ribs muscles screaming sore from trying to pull mom from tub 2001.  all damage right side from that event.   neck eye must be collateral damage.

loaded free lucky's seltzer.  12 days christmas to go with clearance coconut pineapple from walmart yesterday when i paid pge.  9 am lots of gym parking.  

doing what i want when i want is heavenly.  i decided next week when everything but lunch shut down good laundry time.  heather pissed county lunch program no vacation like regular employees.  i'll go sunny vale.  

puzzled main hour half.  lunch lovely company chick parmesan ok.  resting legs up.  picked up hold used coupon for 3 in one romance movies.  tomorrow last day no sat.  sunny closed  23-26.  4 days.  kids are howling must be in anticipation of rain tonight.  

watching another mother shouldn't have had kids.  everything for her entertainment.  not fit mom just a bigger kid.  that's where bullies come from generational.  

celebrity wheel of fortune tonight.  i boned chicken so delicious.  i cooked it 4 hours 350.  so juicy tender.  

no bread,swam,bread

11 sitting outside seniors.  i'm feeling rattled.  found box from alien from cousin carol in HI.  she's so sneaky.  she has 2 notes inside hermetically sealed usps box with carol return address.  one note blah blah blah and carol address same as on box hinting to write thank you like right.  

7 pm still feeling freaked out.  unwrapped 9 bubble: 2 pretzel, 2 pine cookies, 2 chip cookies, sesame p brittle, choc mac, chex mix, arare, preserved fruit i gave to toke, pilot crackers diane, calendar.  i'll take tomorrow.  i showed toke my good aileen.  the consensus being ignore her she's just trying to ruin my holidays.  

today

what i want.  laundry st just both.  i'm loving this break from seniors.  it feels like a 2 week vacation.  just show up for lunch.  i feel blessed.  i can do what i want no one yelling at me ordering me about criticizing everything about me even the way i breathe. stand, look.  my clothes, hair, too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny.  i was never right.  heather=my sisters.  poor thing stuck with herself 24/7.  

the good thing about a miserable childhood is it's done and adulthood is whatever you make it.

i picked up lucky's freebie bio steel drink.  swam beautiful 84 degree.  stretched hot tub.  drove to safeway clearance 2 hula hoops fudge cookies.  st just pantry and clothes.  took home back to seniors 11.  amazing how fast.  alex and toke diane.  good chicken mole too excited to eat.  main library puzzle 2 hours back to safeway last day sale frozen veg using gift cards.  happy me.  home wore brace put everything away lots of food.  3 bags.  good lemon streusel bundt cake toasted almond bear claw.  taking care of me.

thought i broke chrome

i loaded lucky's freebie bean dip 15 oz. picked up, then swam gym, mailed cards, stopped safeway clearance 3 halloween spiders $4 so happy batteries included bargain.  puzzled main an hour.  i love lunch seniors and back to main puzzle.  chrome fell out of  passenger seat underground parking scratching 2 corners weird.  seemed ok.  i listened to healing while puzzling for hour.  underground parking stopped working.  came home to use old chrome charging hot spot malfunctioning chrome is good.  i reset spot and everything working.  my guilt feeling too happy.  old family punishment ptsd. hated me happy.  still making me cringe.  wore brace all day babying myself.  my family never supported me now i support myself in being the happiest me i can be.

free safeway dairy

2 yogurt drinks 32 oz each.  went to maria 8 am 33 degrees already sold out found quarter penny.  changed store to gym 2 mgr 'shipment 10 hours overdue'.  i hot tub ed relaxed watching british kids swim class toddlers in 80 degree water.  brr.  9-11.lovely relaxed easily.  back to safeway both brands.  2 hours before library open i looked up home depot rheem water soft clean.  none in stock site kept sending me to seattle wash store.  tried online delivery round and round.  in store ordered pick up from santa clara.  decided panera lunch steak swiss and found quiche for tomorrow.  ate half lunch.  decided to change lucky rewards to matilda.  had to buy something old fashioned do nut for dessert free french bread.  time for library 2 puzzles picked up movies time for santa clara home depot lafayette.  done and done.  sliced delicious fresh baked bread.  and free hummus.

extremely productive day.

dr northrup-energy vampires

 mom's threats and suicide 2003 energy vampire.  

went looking freebie gym lucky none and bad attitude whereas saratoga lucky lots of product and happy people.  showered, drank ensure, flirted w/alex.  b'king chick fingers fries.  main noon ate some lunch relaxed in car.  went upstairs 45 min puzzle.  then over to st just hall 1 pm.  started home and decided to check saratoga lucky clearance 3/$4.  smoke brats 6/$5  no freebie on shelf i got to checkout forgot money in car.  apologized to clerk i was so focused on remembering freebie.  he pointed out stand front door full of freebies.  paid for everything found 4 fabric shopping bags $6.99 tag went back to buy.  mis priced but he gave me sale price.  i forgot to add to rewards went to office to add and cathy added 100 points.

ate 2 brats and cooked some potato carrot.  restoring my body.  thought about sunny library requests.  don't want to overdo.

in my soul i create my perfect family

i'm watching 'good karma hospital'.  with 'kim's convenience' i'm creating the family i need to sustain my spirit.  maybe what life is really about.  i watched and shared in father daughter death and funeral.  my dad died still a baby.  mom never let him grow up.  

35 degrees 7:30 to 43 at 10 am.  so freezing.  i made 2 egg french toast in micro.  i had 3 pieces nut bread.  a little water 2 beaten eggs soak bread 2 minutes nuked voila!  

lunch tasty.  chicken squash stew brown rice black beans.  no room for diane was pissed at main. joanie showed up so late brought me 1 k puzzle new.  library i started new puzzle half hour ribs hurting.

safeway i finally remembered to return 2 wrong flavor p'nuts.  refunded to discover.  bought 2 unsalted made $4.  found out less than $1 no value on gift card.  28 cents.  

almond hummus

much tastier than chickpea.  more substantial.  tastes more protein.  

can't find st just letter.  looked through car and roll y time for home.  i'm lining up doc martin catch up.  i forgot i used to watch religiously before eric died.  i want to see junior and louisa.  

resting main same puzzle good or i'd forget and overdo.  oh me oh my.  checked lucky's forgot 12 days of christmas freebies hummus day 3.  i wanted to buy flavored butter didn't register she gave me for $1.  

looked everywhere found letter.  i used dr christiane northrup advice forgave my self.  

pain free

i don't know why or how.  if i did i'd do it all the time everyday and night religiously.  b'fast savory oatmeal choc ginger chicken feta dip delicious. 

seniors paid utilities 2 days late didn't enter on calendar.  done and done.  spent half hour listening to healing doing accounting bills.  car warming up 43 degrees 9 am.  

women's league lunch cooked from scratch turkey gravy stuffing, orange cranberry, mixed veg, pecan feta cranberry green salad creamy balsamic dressing, roasted potatoes.  so excellent alex, ron, toke, joanie.  made me laugh she lied ron didn't get pumpkin bite after he ate, lunch delivery slow.  such a fun loving group.  alex spent time on phone for parkinsons glove trials found scope.  is applying.  

free to be me

the first time i have no one to criticize condemn what i do and how i do.  i have people in my world who love and accept me just as i am at seniors.  i have my movies substitute large family i always wanted.  the family i lost when we came mainland.

mitt must be aware of gardener so she's reaching out to saddle me with alien.  no thank you.

mom taught both take take take. 

6:30 am freezing 37 degrees outside.  lovely lunch toke, alex, diane.  3 hours puzzle at main ready to relax.  last day b'day panera and nob sale.  hmm...how much do i want it?  

just saw cute alex from 24.  time to move.  decided s c pan blue muff drove home continued to under nob parking had my favorite soup and peas less than safeway.  home 5 pm.

got my jury duty dismissed for 12 months

one benefit of getting old and feeble.  i submitted online registration 11/16 day after getting notice and today i received postcard.  so almost a month.  

beautiful sunny day 8:30 i went to cost co gas.  light traffic drove in, filled tank $3.99/g, drove out 10 minutes.  seniors i organized car showered stretched puzzle.  lovely lunch toke alex ron joanie.  toke always remembers comics.  decided to try cole man cost co hard getting into park.  looked for garlic herb almond none bought coconut dark choc not first rate ok.  checkout i mentioned hot dog when she asked anything else i paid with rebate avoiding kiosk.  no polish anymore.  so good.  drove around back to avoid traffic.  on to sunny vale movie pick up pop up sale i bought 2 movies.  computed a little saw mail preview reply from jury duty dismissed 12 months.  home 4;30 ate hot dog.

8:30 i could eat another.  nothing i want on commercial tv bed and movies.  

2001

so horrible.  mom died attacked by sisters no one for me.  i was too sick to care it's coming back to me.  all that experience stored chemically in my body is processing sickening.  the hell i've lived is leaving creating space for more heaven.  

i'm just riding pain out.  chemical storage releasing.  everything hurts.  jaws skull neck stomach feels sore.  muscular control again.  i've been doing too much without brace.  kept me sick.  nurse isn't going to help and lose a patient.  no one ever suggested anything that helped and i know too many people listened to medics and made worse on more pain preps.

it's interesting there's nothing i want to watch on tv all day.  5 pm i found romance marathon ION tv started 10 am.  eh, i was too sick.  i called cathy received her card yesterday too sick.  she sounds better.  

been up since 2

i'm binge watching second season 'kim's convenience'.  i'm struggling to finish eating brown rice with almonds i cooked in curry orange zest pulp with chicken.  curry seems to be giving stomach cramps causing spasms.  feels like broken glass.  like 2001 when everything i ate hurt and i lived on vicodin.  delicious healthy minimalist recipe.  brown rice full of husks i keep finding and spitting out.  

i don't know if i want to do anything go anywhere or baby myself.  lord knows no one ever did.  st just pantry or thrift store, main relax, sunnyvale book sale.  actually i want someone anyone else to do it for me like dad abdicated being present unless he wanted something.

pain worsening to vicodin levels.  liquid willow from sprouts 1 p flower 2 kava grapefruit candy and juice helping ease spasms.  no more solid food for awhile.  just grapefruit candy.

3 pm spasms better i'm so hungry made soup if i cook long enough i hope will digest.  got mail card from cathy letter st just.   

i just realized the cramps are an extension of my raw onion allergy.  if i ate raw onions this is exactly how my body reacts.  i don't so i never put it together before. 

my stomach feels like i've been kicked in the gut.  i can barely breathe.

night and day

since 2 am i'm healed.  still weak the pain is gone.  my body feels sore the excruciating pain is gone a miracle.  toke bought me sushi for my b'day.  lovely lunch all present.

picked up 'kim' library.

and on

cody checked holds brought my combo heather says because of shut down 25-2 nothing due before the 3 tu.  i am truly blessed.  they needed pens i supplied black and blue.  

my stomach ache new.  could be back or gum who knows.  i swam and stretched maybe too much.  i'm charging empty combo must be from checking viability.   main very quiet.  i rearranged trunk under parking.  i like it.  when everything closed i'll wash i still have lots of socks.  and i can always hand wash.  i don't know what i'm doing.  so i pray for guidance a lot.

new combo wouldn't turn on or charge so i went to library young asian tech and he jiggled it so it turned on and 85% charge.  

freezing cold like 1972 when i slipped on ice i'm feeling nausea, screaming knifing pain in back stomach neck shoulders.  i took 2 kava willow turmeric.  slowly feeling better muscles relaxing spasms less.  

birthday continues

brenda asked if i wanted old fashioned donuts she bought 2 but no glaze she didn't want i told her my favorite then went to car for persimmon she wanted.  i was going to take home trim and cut but she still had the plastic knife i gave her yesterday.  

how perfect is that.  i remembered i wanted toke to see ads i got yesterday.  diane quick off the mark tried to get me to forget ads with her i almost left chrome on chair.  then as i was leaving seniors parking i remembered to check safeway free sausages.  loaded for college in and out.  came main puzzled 'til 3:30.  complimented on my puzzling ability.  sitting by puzzle since window hassock occupied.  used to be 2.  puzzle area has 4.  i feel like a queen.  much more comfortable chair.  back still stiff sore on rising.

home 6 pm i heated frozen meatloaf dinner and bratwurst on bun.  both donuts for dessert.  Heaven.

oh my neck.

my shirt with all my keys is heavy.  something around my waist would be better balanced.  time for a new plan.

without a hot spot i don't compute as much and chrome works better.  it hasn't crashed once.  maybe i was too obsessive.  ya think?

sitting main parked underground in case of rain windows breathing swimsuit and towel.  i ate half my lunch here.  we didn't get served 'til 12:15 i didn't want to rush and i like sitting eating library cafe area i can charge chrome and listen to music.  played puzzle 'til 2:30 sat like a queen resting charging gaming.  decided i wanted safeway expiring today bought pepperoni pizza $2.49 for dinner so perfect what i wanted.  birthday eggs dinners.  i looked at blueberry cream, custard pies maybe tomorrow.

recon

figuring.  i biked half hour and stretched.  wow i'm stiff.  i feel better in my body.  more relaxed.  went to main puzzled.  finished senior puzzle before lunch.  

i can do what i want-check engine off

doing what i want within my world.  24 wifi.  i'm coming out of aspergers i think.  would i choose different yes.  maybe why i consider having kids abuse.  

went to gym beautiful weather rearranged back seat wet clothes i forgot.  recharged chrome used wifi sunny has movie.  went b king for chick fingers fries.  since i was there i checked citibank payment worked and driving to sunny engine light went out.  woo hoo!!  

puzzled and picked up movie from readers digest story when i was kid.  

maybe i can have heaven.

de tox check engine light

home 2:30 just before steady rain.  cooked brown rice to go with yesterday lunch leftovers.  i added amino perfect.  i cooked chick spring roll for dessert.  

i went to gym 8:30 pouring rain so ok parking.  chase second half withdraw.  i could have deposit mission save it for monday.  main library finished puzzle saw 3 pre teen chicano kids tear it apart.  no supervision.  i feel sorry for them neglected.  maybe orphans too.  i feel i was orphaned.  mom's mom always lamented over me.  she knew how mom dad treated me and cared.

i've been wondering if mom dad consciously or un- chose their deaths.  dad fractured his spine and mom stopped meds.  and is there really a difference.  

hurrah gym wifi

i loaded lucky free crackers on to seniors shower and puzzle.  toke back from sacto funeral.  she's the most like me so far.  diane gave me leftover crackers yesterday i put in shower.  like a freezer.  remembered i wanted free water with safeway sushi.  

i slept to 'meet the robinsons' last night and home today 3:30 continued watching.  so excellent.  i didn't take supplements tu-we playing catch up.  rain or detox nicotine.  i've been worried i need to drink more water.  

still there $70 to bart 2864

my gym bag waited for me.  still i have from storage new pants.  worked out well rainy and cold.  i wear sweat to and remove to exercise.  drove by bartolo paid light mist rain at 10 steady 'til 4 just as predicted.

lunch vera cruz fish good.  alex and diane, toke busy today.  maria from vegas came by.  main library new puzzle feet up listening to healing.  excellent.  i'm filled with gratitude.  5 pm i'm done.