i stopped expecting presents when i was 8. while my sisters unwrapped their heart's desires i unwrapped socks, underwear for the year knowing i would wear hand me downs. a new nightie and toothbrush for new year's was mandatory not to be used 'til then. i thought i was cinderella. always dressed in rags the servant, scapegoat, blamed for every misery and misfortune. a strange feeling of impotent power. amazing i didn't go crazy. maybe the autistic disconnect saved me. separated me from feeling permanent pain. there's a common misconception we don't feel pain because we don't lash out.
people inflict pain when hurting like a rabid dog biting and killing.
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