i worried about pretty near everything

yesterday's hot spot connection was weak i was sure i'd done something when it actually depends on how many are using the signal.  now i'm conscious of that but my training of family blame instantly goes to it's my fault.  i'm still retraining myself.  

showered @ 24 and walked lucky's $12 leg warmers i want.  1:30 eating b king at cup, new movies.  so juicy good jr.  all down my front.  oh, well.  I ate fries driving.  the idea of eating a little all day appeals to me.  today i check out ace hardware.  so cool.  tons of things like frozen pies, pizza ovens, more tools and toys than i've ever seen.  garden, plumbing, everything and so helpful.  amazing.  safeway across the street sold me 3 paint boards $3.  funny 'cause they insisted it wasn't their product they sold it to me miscellaneous.  nob hill i found clearance 2 dinners $1.99 ea.  i sorted socks and put on my new cat valentine p j s.  

i remembered last day of the year main library open

11:30 and the bookstore closed.  oh, well.  i don't need anything to use coupon.  i'm here watching, blessing people.  lots of dads with their little boys.  it's funny little boys are so active.  i'm sitting hoping bookstore will open.

1 pm even with protein shake time for home and lunch.  i changed my mind.  i used my medicare at walmart.  supplements and choc shakes.  $94 for 39 cents.  so i don't have to go tomorrow.  then i remembered college safeway frozen dinners.  jetted over and home by 3.  fish dinner and double chocolate muffin.

so it took 6 years to get over eric's too young death.  after cancer for 5 years and all the suffering.  

i used to worry about sleep

now i know when i need to i will.  i'm still growing and changing.  just in reverse.  getting ready to leave the planet.  i've earned the right to live my way.

went to main after 24 picked up holds.  then lunch and sprouts i felt so good i went to walmart bought $80+ still have $86.  

email from sunny now i know how they keep their 40 current.  they want to charge $75 for lost hot spot late 21 days.  they didn't subtract the 4 days they were closed.  

i gave away calendars and have 2 from hiratas.  

it's so smoky from fireplaces and it's 60 degrees.  3 times pollution air.gov.  warm tee shirt weather.

i'm feeling jubilant

nothing has changed substantively.  yet i feel the lifetime of anxiety overwhelmed by happiness.  

i put the laundry in the car.  i decided i can ride around with dirty laundry and the world will continue.  mom won't kill me because she died in 2001 not taking her medication on mother's day with oldest sister too busy running around.  counselor called it passive suicide.  i call it attention deficit.  so many depressing details in my life.  too many to count.  

i showered at 24 lots of parking go figure.  open new year's.  excellent.  i realized the cuts on my hands are from the shower wand in handicapped stall.  it's frequently occupied.  so i cut myself.  i had tea tree oil and bandages.  another mystery solved.  

i went to seniors early so toki won't worry.  lunch ok.  on my way to main i stopped at sprouts 2 chips, double choc chip muffins, broccoli clover sprouts.  i felt so good i washed laundry & charged devices.  home i parked in driveway, through garage i hung everything, put away puzzles looking for city movies, found them.  i forgot i was going to use sunny sewing machine and return hot spot.  next week.  

auntie's book arrived.  i checked it out.  i prefer glossy.  matte more expensive not better.  

to go

i went safeway then sprouts.  gave toki honey chili hummus and milk just as she was leaving parking lot.  i bought clearance 2 yogurt cheese, hummus, almond dip, half cherry pie, olive artichoke dip.  i'm tempted to eat it out of the package.  

no water at senior center so everything in to go.  mediocre deli turkey stew frozen veg.  i ate mine at main library cathy called me she has money problems she goes out to lunch with her ladies and she likes entertaining.  oh, well she's an adult.  

spoke my word

1:30 main library the poufs were taken by the fireplace so i decided this or better and terrace room better.  72 degrees and much quieter.  more outlets.  

my hair baby soft.  still damp.  looking forward to clearance lean cuisines i bought 3 at college safeway $2.25 ea.  no cooking for me!!  hooray!!

this morning at 24 i showered then walked to lucky's to check it out.  good exercise.  i spied colorful toy by tire a solar dashboard hula doll missing skirt.  i looked around found the skirt i carefully replaced.  didn't work at first had to charge.   i wanted to check out sprouts and walked the store, clearance 4 bottles of vanilla/ $2 good for 2 years.  

seniors 11:30 latest ever.  i got there after toki.  thom was sitting and 3 chinese people eddie came and went.  i gave toki my pretzels.  

home by 3 i knew i was exhausted when i looked through my bag for my water bottle and couldn't find it 'cause it was in my hand.  

i'm feeling healthy

lovely do nothing day.  i feel good.  i'm watching 'love again' and it has my interest i'm still awake.  i gave it 5*.  

best xmas

awesome!  i was ready to go no schedule 10:50.  i planned on shower, lucky's, then cup library.  got in car saw bethel church card on dashboard perfect time christmas carols and hot chocolate.  i resisted donuts.  young many colored church.  better improved.  at noon showered 24 drove lucky's 1 pm walked store celsius free drink found clearance small deviled mac and mustard potato salads $2 ea.  i've been checking every day.  for lunch.

cup library 2:30 sitting young adult charging at table with low chair.  better for back.  so lovely quiet.  i'm feeling so relaxed.  i've never had a better xmas.  home 4 pm both salads, cooked carrots with deli turkey, cherry pie.  

i'm actually feeling excited.  i never got anything i wanted for christmas watching my sisters getting what they wanted.  i don't have to live that anymore!!

free rice pudding

too much free stuff feels like a job. 

i'm feeling bored.  and feeling grateful.  my life is calm and wonderful.  i wore comfortable warm sweat pants.  i haven't worn pants outside in years.  picked up pudding, showered, went st just pantry closed 'til jan.  nice chat with Carol thrift shop.  main library rest and re charge.  sunny closed 'til wed.  maybe county tomorrow only one open.  

turkey noodles so delicious.  

'the lost king'

i'm so nerdy.  sally hawkins, steve coogan about finding richard iii burial spot.  and about who controls media controls the 'truth'.  if trump becomes king his stories will be outrageous.

i ordered book on hiranos in hawaii.  justin pham e mailed a link so i went to tech center and nick directed.  due to be delivered jan 4 th.  woo hoo!  

i misread ad lucky's freebies end the 24th.  i thought it said 21.  so i'm still collecting.  today street corn dip.  such a great day.  the guys brought their wives full table.  so great.  i'm feeling productive.  one week done one to go.  art is going to sunny not mountain.  much closer.  starts at 4 k a month.  

sneezy

i hope i didn't catch anything at Walmart yesterday.  took 2 hours standing in line to pay the bill and waiting for the vaccination record.  i woke up sneezing and congested.  i'm eating allergy plant.  and now i'm hungry.  egg bites.

i checked lucky's, free yachak energy drink.  can't return sunny spot yet.  'til 12 days done.

i confused 'mac and me' 1988 with 'labou' 2008.  similar goofy looking creatures.  totally different story lines.  jara lane, bobby caldwell singers.  mysterious alien creature.  

lunch ok.  i finally figured out why people like me and my family hated me.  i'm happy.  men want my happiness.  my family hated me.  they were too busy hating me to be happy themselves.  not my problem.  dan romania sat next to me reading wall street journal.  i asked his work occupation: carpenter.  how do you earn 100k as a carpenter?  diane moved in real quick.  after lunch sprouts peach pie and 99 cent shredded red cabbage for sweet sour.  dried my hair at main feet up.  found hirano picture book.  i want to send to hawaii.  i asked justin pham he got back to me so fast e mail link.   

elemental movie

the commentary is amazing.  the thought and life experiences so precious.  it's so creative and warmhearted.  fire and water beings learning to live in harmony.

subliminal working well.  picked up free lucky's 1.7 oz salami and showered at 24 so rainy.  cleared up for lunch.  i started writing out bills.  looking forward to 2024.  i'm calmer, more comfortable.  felt so good after lunch i went to Walmart to pay pge.  got copy of shots from 10/23/23 that made me sick.  i'll wait 'til after new year for rsv just in case i get sick i don't want to miss new year like Halloween.  i bought 2 braces, gloves, cherry nicotine.  still $180 balance on the card.  i considered charging chrome at the main library but a lot to unpack and organize.  home 2:30 getting ready for tomorrow.  writing bills for dental insurance, don't know where trans america life is.  

barry manilow xmas special 8 pm.  he's 80.  so much plastic he looks chinese.  good though.

my life isn't perfect

but it's way better than it was.  at senior lunch Toki told me Helen is one of our angels.  someone from L A told Trudy.  like when Kyochan Amy died in LA and Kuni Ann wrote from Hawaii.  The convoluted Japanese way.  

i couldn't sleep last night and cooked the turkey thigh then used the juice to cook potatoes and onions.  up and awake 'til midnight.  

decided i didn't need free xmas deodorant 24 hour saw ginnie from seniors.  not talking with her daughter like me and alien.  same personality clash.  i decided i don't have to be the bigger person.  i don't have to be perfect only the best me i can be.

lunch fred, mike, eddie, new guy, then toki and sue.  i left left overs.  i have so much better i cooked and bought clearance.  stored potatoes and cooked 3 carrots with onions.  so good i ate all with cornbread.  cooked pasta in corning ware covered with parchment paper best way.

after lunch went to return overdue, 'chinatown' ready.  then at checkout 'barbie' ready too.  waiting for back room retrieval i found 3 more movies i wanted.  woo hoo!!  lucky me!

i'm hungry

seniors don't know why they don't let us in.  i loaded ice drinks (4) today makes up for 12 days of xmas.  saratoga lucky's moved clearance.  i bought last unsalted chips $5.  

i'm feeling so blessed.  i saw jeanie at 24 in showers.  9:15 earlier than i thought.  drizzling warm and check light still on so i don't have to worry.  it's already on.  

weird salt free gravy salisbury steak, gluey mash lunch.  russets my feet are swelling.  never boring.  3 guys, 4 women.  2 susans, toki, diane.  sprouts my double crust $1.99 birthday cherry pie, 2 cooked ham egg white bites.  

heavenly at main.  sorted st just groceries in underground parking.  couldn't have done it anywhere else.  sitting upstairs, huge picture window watching tall eye level trees swaying in the breezy drizzle, feet up, cozy.  people walking their dogs happy in the cool.  listening to healing.  best time of year.  picked up 'daddy daughter trip' and 'elemental' in back just returned.

i decided i'm stewing the turkey thigh.  i was going to roast but doesn't appeal to me.  so micro stew it is.  diced tomatoes?

home 4 pm looking for stickers to send in xmas cards.  forgot addresses too.  finally remembered tamales only cheese left at nob i prefer pork.  tomorrow.

1.25 liter coke freebie

watching 'when jack came back.'  sweet movie.  naively done some great acting some so so.  reminds me of my tranquil alone times.  

done and done 12:23 pm.  salad with beef and oranges.  i picked up coke, walked lucky's, dollar tree clearance and cooked rice and delicious mushroom gummies.  safeway i bought beets, sunflower seeds, 2 clearance rice.  went to st just noon quiet so i didn't have to wait 'til 12:30.  and clothing give away i picked white shorts beige pants.  $15 safeway and $10 target gift card.  

i get to pick what i want and no family to criticize and condemn me.

free hummus

i took off too quickly and the check engine came on.  walked store and picked up hummus.  seniors i swam and talked to brian.  stopped at sprouts mini croissant $1.99 and $20 super food drink for 99 cents.  ate lunch rested at main found new book caught up on maccall smith and suddenly remembered hold expiring at sunny i picked up, stopped sunny sprouts 50 cent bag shredded romaine and cornbread square $2.22.  i made beef cheese salad delicious.  bed 8 pm napped 'til 10 watched wheel and jeopardy.  

ease not dis ease

so good to feel good.  listening nonstop to 432 Hz +528 Hz 12 hr healing.  

lucky's xmas freebie loaded naan crisps and bought a small grapefruit cup.  seniors at 10.  tiny lunch no toki, but sat with little Gloria, big bev and diane.  eddie early new white cap.  i asked if Toki cancelled yes.  hilde gave lee huge covered leftovers he asked if i wanted i already got myself a plate.  i suggested art lee took it.

saw Trudy and Kenny exercising, Toki semi annual buddy lunch.  dino 2 left overs ladies aux salad, fruit.  bingo i won the last game and picked the last $5 snack bar gift card.  sprouts clearance deli lean pastrami over a lb $1.04 and sliced turkey .67 lb for $.67.  wow.  went by Toki to share not home.  my weekend set.  tired from walking stores.  home bed rest 4 pm.  late nights watching tv.  

5:30 hungry from tiny lunch i ate extra lunch.  still hungry ate green salad, pears, sliced almonds, cranberries, perfect balsamic dressing and 5 slices lean pastrami.  i watched wheel and raymond.

freebie drink 12 days o' xmas

i'm so good at amusing myself.  package on porch from hirata hawaii.  i picked up drink and clearance turkey thigh $2.51.  brought home and cream in fridge.  got to seniors opened box full of treats.  bev running around her car crying.  she couldn't find key freaking out hysterical.  i told her to look under seat, in purse, she found it.  dementia.  not the first time.

excellent ladies league xmas lunch.  golden voices choir sang carols.  i sang along.  toki sat with trudy and kenny.  i just relaxed.  eddie sat no hat i almost didn't recognize him.  

no new puzzle i went main to pick up hold.  relaxed.  dan russia said hello we chatted he asked my job history when i mentioned doing taxes he wanted me to do his taxes i suggested free library he said he makes 100 k?  really? 

3 pm i'm ready for home.  napped 6-7:45 watched end of wheel, raymond and disney 100 years.  night night.

bruno 1999 aka the dress code

the directorial debut shirley maclaine.  she must have felt passionate about this.  alex d linz 10 quit when 18.  fascinating.

i'ma lying here in bed enjoying my arthritis.  i don't have to move too much.  checked lucky coupon today first 12 days of xmas.  free 8 oz whipping cream.  

better tasting veg pasta today than monday with meat.  went upstairs to puzzle and dry hair brian showed up we finished 4:30.  i gave him lee's veg salad and pear.  he's a puzzle piece tapper.  he can't just put it in he has to announce it.  i'm working really hard to remain calm.  and his cat dander i got all stuffy.  he's so competitive.  he kept getting into my space taking over my area.  does not play well with others.  he had to change my subliminal.  complained wendy whiner.

still feeling well.

woke 6.  i've worked so hard to overcome my history.  2 days in a row.   chicken mole lunch good today.  unoffensive.  forgot short day not thinking.  hurrah!!  arthritis smooth.

went sprouts found 5 clearance deli cheese, and 10 go yogurts 99 cents.  home 3:30 tired need rest.

i feel surprisingly well

house is still a mess.  my life is still unsettled.  i'm ok.  i forgot to pay cost co yesterday, freaked and didn't warm up the engine so check engine light.  paid and called about late fee victoria erased it.  my good credit.  

tried 2 'healthy' snacks

upset my digestion.  i can eat as much potato chips as i want.  must be the simple ingredients.

new me.  i'm eating healthy, resting as much as i can tolerate.  trying not to re-injure myself.  the only way to heal is by making drastic behavioral changes.  

i dressed 3 pm to return sunny items and after taking out recycle i changed my mind.  i can do this now.  used to be carved in stone.  i have more compassion for over dues.  

what to do

i relaxed went to seniors 9:30, swam dried my hair.  talked to inge, toki, trudy.  toki will bring back snacks.  she couldn't see.  parking a mess with 'b'fast with santa'.  i observed drama.  took my time sprouts had more clearance cheese, 99 cent salads, baked donuts.  lunch portable i went to cup library to pick up drop off.  i wasn't hungry home 2 pm.  ate chicken and donut.  napped 'til 5.  salad for dinner.  snacks for dessert.  

10 pm doing what i want when i want.  i think happy people become healthy people.

free lindor truffle

more candy.  i have a dozen cans of free soda.   salome offered free food and snacks toki took it all put in her car not even offering me any.  it's taken 'til 7 pm to adjust.  i gave her persimmons, oranges, etc.  i waited for her in back parking lot so she wouldn't have to carry 2 bags with her eye surgery recovery.  i didn't even get to see in box.  toki hurt my feelings like cathy hoover in grade school when i had cathy over to house i found $20 from shell station she took to check real returned only $10.  i never had anything more to do with cathy.  so i'm warned about toki.

i won first bingo i picked $10 lucky's card.  

sprouts on the way home i bought 4 clearance apple cider vinegar goat cheese.  so delicious.  mushroom snack too oily like dried beets.  

toki left me pound of see's bridge mix $31.50 i exchanged for dark chocolate nuts and chews plus 3 raspberry cremes.

i stayed up 'til 2:30 am last night reading redbird christmas.  i enjoyed all 230 pages.  i'm so tired.

quirky monk.

watching the fifth 2007 and sixth 2008 seasons.  reminds me of what i was doing then.  

made an omelet topped with red sauce and melted cheese.  so lovely dressing at 9 seniors when it's 51 degrees.  I took my time swimming and bookmobile cody brought my holds.  

after lunch i finished puzzle and stopped at sprouts.  special 99 cent garlic bread, clearance 3 snacks, 4 grilled chick breasts $1.98.  yum, i heated one with ragu and 2 garlic toasts.  

napped 'til 6:45 for jeopardy and wheel.  

tv or not tv

very quiet calm day HEAVEN.  thought of toki 11:30 eye operation.  usual morning.  sat with inge and merrick at lunch.  salome joined us then terry.  

i returned cathy's v mail

last night football i charged phone.  found messages.  we chatted about her sis who needs her for shoulder surgery next month 30th.  watched 'simpsons' season 17 disc 1 i've lost interest.  i started 'quigley down under'.  half way through it.

swam 10 am.  relaxing, i'm hurting in specific spots r/t general chronic pain.  so i'm hoping improvement.  inge has more oreo thin mints.  started me sneezing.  

i went to cost co to redeem rewards and walked store.  nothing but biggest bag 24 oz lay's chips.  happy birthday to me.  felt ok detoured to home depot bought water softener cleaner 3 over $40.  considered $6 copper wire or giant carabiner.  home 3 put everything away.  napped.

'everybody loves raymond' 9th season 2004

2003 i had surgery to remove infected ovarian cyst i'd had for 35+ years.  friends took care of me the sisters refused too busy like with mom and dad.  'raymond' saw me through. 

yesterday's blog disappeared.  i kept updating so i don't know how it evaporated.

i swam, talked to brian, puzzled while my hair dried, Nodira gave me 2 chips 2 waters when i tried to redeem certificate.  happy birthday to me.  considered deposit too busy, sprouts clearance turkey on sourdough i ate main.  picked up 'rockford'.  feeling good i picked up county then home 4 pm.  napped.  as long as i stay rested i feel ok.

today last day for salad.  with cilantro lime chicken excellent.  i'm resting, relaxing.  healing uses a lot of energy.  i keep forgetting.  

will you walk me to my car?-song plays

dream of psycho lover.  very elaborate detailed dinner with friends at their house.  he becomes upset, jealous and leaves.  i ask the host couple and their son to walk me to my car.  they comply.  i'm not used to needing, asking and receiving help.  i'm tested positive for Parkinson's.  they are extremely supportive and helpful.

excellent day of rest and relaxation.  bart showed up i paid him.  carlos reset check engine i tipped him $20.  seniors good 2 extra lunch fish.  college safeway sushi and water.  chase withdrawal.  home at 4.  bart put bins on street if ticket he pays.  he knows better.  i napped after lunch leftover fish.  woke 7:30 wheel on 10 football preempt.

new i'm relaxed

end of month and i'm ok.  walter came by seniors late i forgot short day.  i went by carlos' for check engine he was leaving so i just dropped off potatoes and carrots + cans st just grocery.  maybe tomorrow maybe not.  birthday freebies 'til 6/13.  eh, cold stone ice cream and chili's cake with purchase.  wow, i forgot denny's and pizza.  and $10 target gift card.  and cost co rewards by 12/28.  and $300 otc walmart.  

diane said she was going to talk to jess regarding alex, not.  so dramatic repeating how worried she is yet not following through on anything.

mellow

feeling nauseated.  could be the cold damp or my back.  the pain is moving.   i walked nob hill.  i do a lot of walking.  bought corn chips.  i added engine cleaner, filled gas tank.  

remembered the dollar tree refried beans.  i want salsa.

nov-dec-jan

i'm really experiencing winter like never before.  check engine light still on.  eye glasses somehow fell out of gym bag, i found them on check in desk.  i didn't secure water bottle top and flooded the hallway.  mallory mopped it up.  

oh, well the world hasn't ended.  

i went to lucky's looking for clearance and fish oil is on sale so instead of going to Walmart i bought it trying to use gift card ended using discover.  my back was hurting terribly i realized the backpack is too much.  new behavior.  

43 o

i waited 'til it warmed up to 44 at 9 am.  check engine light came on after 5 min driving.  he does not like the cold.

spent the day resting

5 pm i decided i wanted to get nob ad and sunny library.  picked up holds returned movies.  played on puzzle for a bit.  so relaxed.  checked sprouts clearance dried diced pineapple.  dollar tree pizza and protein drink.  

nodira and son tohir

i wonder where lost blogs go.  i swam seniors 'til 10 and puzzled 'til 11:30 when Nodira gave me chips and whip cream coffee.  i saw Brian in the parking lot, asked if i wanted to walk with him to central 2 miles one way.  no thanks.  

walked sprouts nothing i wanted.

returned 'movement' renewed chrome+ for 9 weeks.  I walked around and looked in bookstore.  

checked safeway for bread clearance Halloween glow bucket purple spider (i have last year green and orange ones) clerk dropped on floor stopped working i dropped in car it started flashing again 99 cents each.

dollar tree 2 beef pot pies, box of crackers, clearance big cup, cord winder, shower curtain 50 cent each.

i do a lot everyday.  

i'm so full

still have food.  11 am i picked up free drink from lucky's bought cheese and couldn't figure out gift card.  oh, well.  stretched, showered at 24.  home 12:30.  

best thanks ever

left at 11:30 bought sale cheese Safeway, first Presbyterian saw Gloria, st Clare, first pres looking for Walter home by 2.  i ate one dinner at first and picked up 2.  people giving without guilting me.  real generosity.   i called Walter and wished him happiness.  

bed rest napped 'til 4 pm cut up baked chicken and put away food.  40 minutes then back to resting.  i was so used to bullying and forced labor i never noticed.  

i was in hell most of my life 11/23/23 mustard chicken

heaven is great!  i'm relaxing.  nowhere i have to be.  no one is demanding or criticizing me.  

jane thanked me in front of everyone for connecting her to the mexican chocolate she wanted from the market deli.  i've never felt so warm and appreciated before.  she did all the leg work, i just told her the solution and she did it.  my family and familiars demanded i fulfill all their desires without appreciation or thanks or even acknowledgment.  like the genie/slave of the lamp.  i gave them the safety and security of a friendly world.  from 8 years old i raised them all.  and all they did was sabotage my life to keep me enslaved.  old, antiquated effective behavioral model.

the subliminal recordings on you tube are working.  i'm choosing people who respect, appreciate and acknowledge me.  yay! me!  

baked chicken sliced thick part coated with spicy mustard 400 o half hour. 

thinking of jfk assassination 1963

60 years ago.  the trauma of the first person i cared about murdered and the tv live coverage.  they covered it all day and for weeks after.  and the speculation the mob arranged his murder because of marilyn monroe and all his affairs.  and her suicide then rumors bobby kennedy had an affair with her and was assassinated.  

with my family suicide, betrayal, drama history the kennedys mirrored the all american family.

bed rest 2:30

i'm learning how to successfully process mom's suicide.  the family tradition of denial and torture never worked.  

i'm ok

i did a good job taking care of me.  kenny and trudy fujii ate lunch with us.  toki looks pale but feels better than last week, salome and toki's friend connie.  i stayed online and hilde had leftovers i took 2 patties.   

stopped at nob hill no potato salad left.  saw toki said hi to meme.  bed rest by 2 pm. 

on the edge

rest now to recharge.   i'm watching 'men in black' 1997.  dad was on the edge and mom was dealing with his decline and i was holding everything and everyone together.  

it's so different to listen to my body and put my health first.  shivers my timbers.  today i'm processing mom suicide trauma.  glad i have nicotine lozenges to make myself calmer more comfortable.  i ate cheese omelet at 6 now 10 am i want supplements and faux crab lettuce mix.  i'm feeling a little anxiety.  my usual distraction is doing.  like workaholics running from uncomfortable emotions.  can't feel or think while doing.  

living consciously takes mental and emotional discipline.  food, drugs, alcohol and emotional avoidance.  food takes the most discipline.  you got to eat to stay alive.  hence eating disorders.  

'men in black' marathon 1997, 2002, i never watched 2012.  huh.  

sunny library noon book sale hours.  i used coupon for an immense bag of movies.  i returned movies and tried link + 'pain free' none in system and she didn't give me attitude like guys.  home by 2.  tired with another big bag of movies.

chicken skin crisps b'fast-brian, kimo, carole allen

they could prepare like precooked bacon but much tastier.   

late day predicated on st just 1-330 pick up.  i'm looking forward to this holiday.  i don't miss the family or wish them to love and respect me any more.  i am at peace.  war is about envy.  whenever i find something my sisters have broken or ruined to upset me i used to feel badly for them and myself.  i'm ok it's just stuff i can replace.  

seniors i swam talked with brian an hour told him dinner churches.  his son is divorce pawn.  i stopped at main noon book sale movies.  saw kimo.  1 pm i considered going to county decided to try being normal lined up st just for an hour saw carole as i was leaving.  felt good went county picked up 4-9 seasons for 'raymond' marathon.  

free day tomorrow sunny book sale.  i feel ok now.  

lots of left overs for b'fast

 my favorite.  i love not cooking.  after a lifetime cooking, cleaning, shopping i'm done.  

watched mike birbiglia comedy mostly because of his name.  from book mobile.  a story teller.  finely crafted.  a lot of work.  

my body chemistry continues to adapt.  i've been thinking a lot about tina turner.  she had high blood pressure that destroyed her kidneys over time.  she worked out hard maybe it was the massive performances.  too hard.  too much stress.  when i found out about type A and type B people i decided to be a type A applying myself to become a type B.   i know you can easily lose 10-15 lbs sweating performing.  maybe too much too quickly.  she always looked healthy and strong.  maybe elvis presley too.  but his heart.

lots to do this weekend.  no wonder i feel tired.  i used to feel numb.  lucky freebie pick up snack and choc.  swam and finished puzzle.  toki not feeling well.  hope she's better for eye op 12/6.  bingo i won pink 2 x sweatshirt tissues in pockets.  sunny library picked up spot checked needed charge and 'pain free' disc tried to play cracked.  take back sun day book sale.

i forgot to take supplements, double today-FATIMA donates salads

definite shift in energy.  i do insist on testing myself.  good quiet swim.  not too many people.  hilde kept so much lunch left overs she gave me one.  everyone is tired and left i stayed to keep salome company.  they call her salami or shalimar.  

feeling ok i did one 3 load wash.  nice afternoon.  hung laundry, in bed resting by 2:30.  watched 'detectorists' 2022.  i don't find incompetent failures the least bit funny.  3 stooges is based on dumb humor.  i can see in advance the failure coming like a slow freight train going off a cliff.  like my parents based on their history and my sisters following the family tradition.  stupidity is everywhere for free.  

healer's prayer course in miracles p. 24

i need not worry.  it's just a huge bad habit.

so walter came by and i got to counsel myself.  if i can save him some suffering 

well, that was weird

i lost all settings and blog malfunctioned.  headings changed to all pink from blue.  reset you tube queue.  oh, well.  i knew it was weird at lunch when lee came over and talked about his phone and asked about chrome.  then lhosa came and sat.  weird vultures.  energy has shifted.  i've researched 54 pages of 'pain free' re balancing muscles to heal, reset functioning body.

home by 3 veg lunch and bed napped 'til 5 dinner and 'wheel'.  next healing marathon 'everybody loves raymond' from county.  i've finally accepted i require more rest to heal.

i'm committed to healing myself above all else.  by healing myself i raise the energy of the planet.  i'll keep on keeping on.  

my heart is aching

bewitched 1964-72.  3rd rock 1996-2001.  i'm healing segments of my life.  i was on my own free from family 1989-1972.  17 years of freedom exorcising the demons.   demons make life hell.  

they used dad's cancer to talk me into moving back into slavery and i did it probably out of guilt.  i'm weeding my inner garden of the seeds of self destruction.  so i'm sleeping and clearing, changing the energy.  

lunch was mediocre, good company eddie, toki, diane.  finished the puzzle and francine visited.  then i went merry for deposit and sprouts double crust cherry pie, $10 clearance 2 spray, 4 roll-on scents, blueberry peanut butter, 2 drink mixes.  

i want out

i need something different.  my body is continuing to detox.  i'm feeling so uncomfortable.  i feel creepy crawly on the inside.   my back is screaming.

i figured out from watching 3rd rock 1996-2001.  5/28/98 phil and brynn hartman murder/suicide my sadness is something joyful with real life tragedy.  i've realized and accepted for the first time the connection to my mother threatening murder and suicide.  my family tradition of suicide and alcoholism.  my older sister insisting she deserved the abuse and my younger sister denying our childhood ever happened.  denial=dis-ease.  i moved back in 1989 due to dad's prostate cancer diagnosis and treatment.  all 4 grandparents had cancer so i understood my parents fear.  

i can't heal it 'til i feel it.  

that's the exhaustion.  the weakness and sleeping from processing the chemical traumas stored in my body as memories.  i keep forgetting the validity of my feelings.  i've been taught i don't matter.  i have to keep reminding myself i'm important.  

my dreams of sadness

another layer exposed like growth rings in a tree or layers of an onion.  9 am i showered and swam then st just.  no meat.  lots of veg.  

i rested there too.  11 am i rested at main, hot spot stopped working tech support turned it off and on, started working again.  as simple as that.  i don't have to pick up at sunny yet.  m i b was supposed to be on tv but i can't find it.  maybe tomorrow?  

left 9:30 back 11

i went lucky and decided I wanted Jr. burger king w/fries for lunch w/salad mix.  A delicious lunch.  i redeemed monopoly tickets and free soda.  and i'm resting, digesting lunch.  i'm not rushing around cramming as much as i can into every minute.   a new conscious thoughtful me.  i feel guilty of not suffering.  my family tortured me so much.  i numbed out to survive their torture.  

war against one's self is dis-ease.  peace is health.  i choose health.

i worry about everything.  i know how pain filled life can be.  i have so much compassion for walter.  

everyone's getting sick.

eddies's having hard times.  asked me to leave him alone.  ok.  dino was sick last week.   toki brought me 4 blueberry muffins.  if not for toki i'd take the month off.  i deserve a break.  old faithful me.  

last week i felt terrible, sad, tired, no energy.  this week 100% better.  senior closed tomorrow sunny opens late.  freedom.  

sitting seniors feeling silly

masking is required again.  not just me sick.  toki said many sick.  

jane, eddie, susan and toki excellent company.  lunch ok not good enough for seconds.  i went to main return overdue i picked up 2 wrong books.  

i don't want to do anything

i'm watching 'very bad things' 1998 terrific waste of money.  so many good actors in a mean spirited movie.  i'm obsessed with understanding. 

two weeks since flu and covid shots 10/23/23

i'm finally better.  i cancelled lunch 2 days.  too boring.  i want a better life.  i showered at 24, considered b king.  at 11 am 2/$5 jr bacon swiss very salty.  

drove to toy parts google directions good.  bought 2 keys $134 extra $20 to cut and more extra to program in service department separate appointment only.  next used car i'll get factory key at dealer.  another strike mag toy palo alto.  i called rescue Ron, his daughter Paulina appointment 2-4 i'm excited.  new behavior.  as exciting as the tow truck ride jan.  that i waited 2 hours.  i feel like a puppy.  3:30 pm i'm not so excited.  i'd hoped to get it done early and go to sunny, oh well tomorrow.  i called Paulina 4:30 she arrived 5 done half hour lovely person.  she charged me $125 just for key program free trunk lock fix i wrote $150 for excellent service.  

covid tested neg

quite a procedure.  so many steps and cautions.  i'm feeling a little better.

epiphany- i've been making my life harder.  my family trained me to suffer abuse and humiliation.  1999 i asked mom why she 's so mean to me she said to toughen me.  i don't need for life to be harder.  it's tough enough.  she treated my sisters so good.  mom and dad taught them to abuse, humiliate and steal from me.  i chose people to make my life miserable.  my family tradition.  what was familiar.  what i was used to, comfortable with.

i can force myself to chase after free stuff pushing myself beyond my limits or relax and let heaven come to me.  

my sisters hated mom and transferred that hatred to me.  they never used to notice me.  no matter what mom did they hated her and she knew it.  

confirmation-8:30 i put out garbage and recycle bins, 8:45 drove to cost co, filled tank 'though website said closed 8 pm.  home 9 pm 70 degree weather.  amazing i feel ok.  

made tuna mac- received covid tests

best with yellow mustard.  

jujubes

i went out to the car 9:30 am to see how i felt.  still too tired.  i loaded free lucky's 5-8 oz processed cheese.  not worth forcing myself.  i brought in drinking water.  i ate jujubes chinese granny gave me last friday at seniors.  full of c and fiber.  sat in trunk all week.  

when i have the energy i want to fill my car with gasoline and buy 2 car key copies.  simple things make me happy.  i toasted a split croissant and topped with hummus.  i have my appetite back.  i haven't felt hungry for over a week.  i ate out of habit.  

i just remembered 2003.  i went to emergency twice.  i had surgery, had to hire an attorney, shawn parr, to stop my sisters harassing me with threats of physical eviction.  no one to stand up for me.  no wonder i'm still depressed.  

i need new motivation

i've felt depressed my entire life.  last thursday i drove everywhere meeting deadlines and made myself sick.  my family drove me with abuse and torture.  they humiliated me in front of others and terrorized people me included.  

my motivation in life was avoiding pain not creating joy.  i want health and happiness.  i kept trying to make others happy in hopes they'd reciprocate.  toki's the only one.  she called 6 pm to ask if i needed anything.

i need a new focus for living.  

toki brought me senior lunch left overs

i haven't been hungry for over a week.  pasta and salad like always.  toki called to let me know gerde died over the weekend.  i wasn't surprised just a little envious.  i'm calling on her help.  she was so tired.  she's no longer tired.  

cathy called got card today.

she called and thanked me.  her sister is needing her more.  she paid her niece's plane fare for her visit from chicago.   makes her feel good.  i'm happiest when we're all happy.  

new behaviors

i'm watching 'bewitched'.  this morning was 47 degrees too cold for me.  i cooked and ate burger and felt so cold i called cancelled lunch at 9 am and called toki so she wouldn't worry.  i slept taking c and cold meds.  

i checked nob hill if i want anything.  thought about gas at costco.  nothing, no one more important than my health.  i finally get it.  i'm finally living it.

toki left comics, doz croissants, 2 cans chick broth on porch.  she called just after i wrestled front door picking them up.  

still feeling sick

i haven't been sick in a long time.  it's depressing to feel sick.  i think it's my lungs detoxing from a lifetime of smoking.  i quit 2019/2020.  my sinuses detoxing too.  

i miss the world of clean air, food and water.  

what will happen to people forced to adapt to such conditions.  adapt or die.  

good night's sleep

makes all the difference.  i'm still feverish taking c and willow.  the 7 year old dollar tree cough and cold meds working well.  

checking toyota  parts open 7 days 12 hours.  takes pressure off.

resting and relaxing watching cooking and 'arsenic and old lace'.  i watched 'igor' for the hundredth time.  still a perfect movie.  

major post nasal drip

not surprised i got sick.  it's been a long time.  they keep the senior center very warm.  the colder outside the warmer inside and vice versa.  

i had a massive nose bleed from a sinus infection.  i'm taking dollar tree 7 year old med.  still works.  

too much stress caught cold

i'm coughing sneezing runny nose.  i'm taking vit c.  and babying myself.  my feet got cold watching celebrity jeopardy and wheel.  it was cold.  

hooray!! hot spot city.  picked up.  we got extra lunch because of alex.  hill prefers the men.  i'll charge book then home rest.  and i have 6 bread.  

dream of english setter

dolly my loving self.  key broke in trunk lock.  i called carlos.  sophia gave me bag of dried and canned beans and rice i dropped off and 2 sandwiches to ricardo.  i called dealer 3 day back up my key in stock with transponder(fob).

swam and puzzle

 feeling better.  i needed the shock to the system of shots.

i'm feeling terrible

could be the rain.  i keep reminding myself i'm better.  feeling sad is a step above numb.  my stomach upset.  i've been here many times before never gets easier.

i made it to seniors.  puzzled 'til i felt strong enough to swim.  two too loud males in tub i swam in warm pool 'til they quieted.  puzzled 'til lunch.  feeling so tired.  i finished owl puzzle and went to lucky's prune for clearance.  bought $5 white hoodie 3 tickets and lady ahead of me gave me 24, one instant winner and 3 board pieces.  i felt so empowered i continued on to nob hill 4 clearance coconut water, 3 salad dressings, salad mix, grass fed beef, used $5 coupon.  ate salad and tuna.  i'm loving salad.

sitting eating sprouts sandwich

i bought 24 movies for $5 from the book sale.  and library is hosting light saber lessons.  sat relaxing listening to healing 'til 2 closing.  

i swam this morning at seniors and puzzled.  bought sprouts' clearance turkey sandwich and then bakery special whole cherry pie half blueberry.  

home i watched jamie oliver got hungry made quick mac & cheese added tuna, ate half then game shows 'til bed 8:30.  

sunday-i slept 'til i was hungry 7:30 am ate remaining mac b'fast.  slept more 'til 11:30 time for lunch made ramen skip tuna & salad mix.

i feel like a rebel

i've never had such freedom.  i changed settings display size.  diana asked me how to dim her smart phone screen.  i don't know how i told her go to settings choose display and talk to inge who owns a smart phone.  library gives classes.  so i went into chrome settings increased size and totally new graphics showed up.  i'm loving it.  changed my phone display after calling cathy thanks for halloween card and stickers.

i remembered fry day freebies at 7 am went to lucky's, loaded caffeine sparkling ice.  tried to buy sale candy like last week no go 2 week time element.  oh, well.  6 monopoly tickets.  3 times tickets 'til 31 end.  i'm still resting from wed too much exercise.  my back and arms not loving me today.  nu-step arms and legs work out.  

i went to store for salad found 2 sale dressings.  delicious.  updated chrome.  

93 today moderate=bad air

5:30 even worse air.  i stayed seniors 'til 2:30 90 degrees to main library 'til 6:30 dropped off veg,beans, rice and picked up jellied cranberry, mustard, grill sauce.  i'm having more fun doing what i want.  

90 degree day

i stayed in.  i puzzled, i swam, i got bored after lunch and biked for half an hour.  my legs are sore.  i stayed at seniors 'til 6:30.  tomorrow seniors closes at 3 central my go to.  

i couldn't reward myself

no cream pie or pot salad so i cooked potatoes in sun day chicken fat.  i bought lettuce salad mix $1.98 at nob hill.  and entire complex is wired.  

i am poised for victory.  wheel.

and tonight potatoes chicken in thai dressing on lettuce.  

called quest and citibank

taking care of business.  healthcare is big business.  i called lisa quest diagnostics re fit kit she said computer generated cards wait 3 weeks.  they pay $75 to get mammogram but so much work.

i called citibank customer service for rewards check ignored online instructions.  too much work to register then sign in, forget it.  not worth $29.  beth said 7-10 business days for duplicate.  i don't know or care really i'm doing due diligence.  

do i want nob hill choc cream pie and mustard potato salad?  i can check for wi-fi.  

i feel so much better wearing glasses and no eye strain.  i'm not as tired.  and my back continues to change.  

eclipse

it's perfectly still as if the world is in awe.  no noises, everything muffled.  animals asleep.  darker, cooler.

i picked up 2 viewers from park side door of library.  printed w/ today's date and next total eclipse 4/8/24.  i watched 8:50-9:50 from seniors parking lot.  i swam brian in tub 10:30.  i waited 'til 11:10 no idea why 'til toki arrived.  i'll give her eclipse glasses later.  considered brian, nah.  i was hungry went to st just no Charity next 2 weeks so i picked up pantry groceries and asked for sandwich, whole grain creamy cheese and deli chicken.  best ever usually boring white.  3 toaster b'fast minis my 3 pm snack.  i'm a happy baby.  

i love my 2 books.  audrey, and paul newman.  so different and engaging.  coming home i was feeling let down depressed.  heart failure is from sadness loneliness.  attaining goals are a let down.  need fresh goals.  

got my spot

took 2 hours waiting for the shady spot.  i paid discover making sure to cover life check.  

i get to process feeling old family stupid inferior labels.  i didn't enter wheel phrase and 3 pm home from bingo i remembered with the option of rectifying by running to lucky wireless fidelity.  nah.  fresh bingo donuts made everyone a winner.  i had a piece of sprouts' fresh cherry pie bought this morning after picking up free drink and dressing from lucky's.  i was hungry the anxiety went away.  i almost got stuck in elevator.  man and his son helped me descend stairs.  bingo buddies. 

i tried and sprouts has wi fi too.  i wonder about nob hill.  i'll have to check.  i drove to 24 and too late for wheel.  good reminder for fan friday.  

tomorrow partial eclipse show at central park side 8:30.  i'm excited.  

i remembered

i'm better.  i clipped my keys to my gym case and after 10 minutes i remembered.  i started poker playing dog puzzle.  i swam an hour and back to puzzle.  good chat with cody he wants to be part of my family.  i told him brian my psychic twin and cody looked left out.  i told him he was family too and he was happy.  i found 4 great movies.  ghost and mrs muir, stuber, 

gerde came in early hurrah!  diane came in early and sat with us.  she fell and didn't tell anyone else.  she was visibly shaken.  

i'm remembering to use my left leg while driving my tailbone is on fire.  my left hip is painful.  it's different.  

bingo puzzle

1 pm done.  dino likes seeing them.  

driving is absolutely the worst thing for backs.  exercising my left leg is finally freeing up my energy.  it's been 25 long hard years.  taking care of my parents broke my back and nearly killed me.  if it wasn't for my back i would have walked away from everything.  i would have run as fast as possible.  this is as fast as i can go.  my horrible sisters could have had it all but for their apathy and stupidity.  of course i would have remained content with my denial of my hellish existence.  

doctors really know nothing on how backs work.  they only know what hospitals tell them.  unless they live through it they don't know.  

toki got lots of oranges.  today's chimichurri chicken and beans not good.  i added chicken to flavorful soup.  i threw away diana's left overs.  not good.  no one else wanted them either.  toki took cole slaw.   

i used disatisfaction w/bartolo to motivate me

i went seniors early so i puzzled 'til 8 to calm me and get me balanced.  I swam an hour and lady asked me if i wanted jujubes i said yes thinking the candy but she gave me a big bag of fruit chinese dates.  i puzzled 'til 11.  went to check in for lunch gerde early good girl.  diana shared lucky's pudding cake with everyone.  i washed fruits shared with everyone.  i love new things.  diana gave me pork chop and spinach.  alex and new lillian gave me lettuce salads and asian cole slaw i gave to toki since i have sprouts salad mix.  

cole slaw had no sesame.  i added oil.  i must have eaten all the seeds.  

perfect 66 deg overcast day-moon day-bad bartolo

sitting sunny vale patio.  i picked up salty sprouts honey ham multi grain sandwich $4.99.  i brought snacks.  heavenly.   

my left side is weak trembling while holding a water bottle.  probably the rose bush and kiwi i trimmed and set out green and garbage bins.  and dealing with front door lock sisters jammed.  i have to use the garage.  

it's always something.  gilda radner.  i wanted salad.  for the first time i went to sprouts it's 50 cents more and doesn't taste chem funny.  sunny bakery specials out afternoon, 3 types of cherry pie i bought no added sugar.  there were turnovers, etc. i was disciplined.  strong.  only 1.

bartolo came after pickup filled bins and left them in driveway too heavy to move.  left a wooden ladder in the middle of the backyard again. 

sunny patio eating my lunch

8 am too early sprouts specials not out.  clearance substantial satisfying turkey sandwich $3.49.  i did my swim at seniors.  commented on parade of champions.  saw jeanie wearing boot cast left foot ankle.  stopped back at sprouts bought $1.99 muffin assortment and apple turnovers not knowing if toki like jalapeno bread.  blessed gerde and toki stopped home to drop off pastries in expected 94 degree weather.  

sunny vale ok parking 10:30.  ate turkey hungry after exercise.  lovely 84 degree.  3 hours to assemble bingo puzzle.  kids program and later astronaut lecture.  doesn't seem relevant when the planet's burning up.  went out to car for soft boiled eggs re parked car to good shady spot under tree.  woman on puzzle table wearing bike helmet makes me laugh.  the danger of puzzles.  

bewitched series 127 hours.  whew!  audrey hepburn.  looking up her life.  

home 5 pm 91 degrees ok after all day air conditioner.  

i am unlimited

i am.  i forgot mit b'day until talking to cathy at sara lucky's.  she mentioned her mom and showed me her mom is her screen saver on her smart phone.  then i mentioned my mom the queen of denial.  and the family.  she said she was lucky she had good parents so why did her ex marriage implode like mine?  hmm??  if her parents were so good she would have followed their example and chosen better.  well, my mom being a queen of denial makes me a pretty pretty princess.  and without my horrible ex marriage i couldn't have seen the truth.

i'm loving myself.  louise hay was accurate that dis ease is a lack of love.  self love is the toughest when one has no examples.  

puzzled 2 hoursand after lunch maria gorit-brrr

i'm taking care of myself.  i can do it the best.  i know me.  i'm resting and exercising.  i tubbed late and went to lunch.  my stomach hurting like 1972 at least i know how and why.  i couldn't eat lunch, pork fried rice collard greens broccoli.  i brought 3 boiled eggs, easier to digest.  

today is supposed to hit 93 degrees.  i parked car under main 85 degrees and have my feet up.  hassock available just as i was getting situated.  i love when everything works together.  came at 2 to avoid talker.  

i'm trying to find out about gilbert teller.  penn gillete was on celebrity wheel and sounds like he's dead.  no news on big bang.  he had quad bypass last year.  

happy i saw brian class cancelled

we stayed 2 hours talking.  hindu christian interrupted to tell me what to think do and i told him the beauty of america is i get to think do be what i want.  as henry ford said if you think you can or you think you can't you're right.

celebrity wheel is anarchy. 

ptsd inherited?

 i swam and figured out ptsd from dad and mom when i quit smoking and mom attempted suicide taking dad's sleeping pills 3 years and it's been 3 years since i quit again.  the body remembers and signals danger.  i'm ok.  my back and neck has been popping and crackling.  i've been afraid of wanting nicotine and smoking again.  i can hardly breathe as is.

dad always got mean when afraid of winter lay off.  no carpenter construction no paycheck.  he took everything out on mom.  mom did the finances.  she banked her salary, we lived on dad's.  she had over 600 k when she died.  

remembering mom and her suicide

the body remembers.  the mind forgets.  3 years after i quit smoking, mom took dad's pills as an act of defiance.  and it's 3 years i quit again.

new month terrors

no idea what it's about.  

finally saw brian jackson as i was leaving seniors.  school is good he looked great.  i finished cat and azalea puzzle.  

noon at main stopped at st just picked up black lace shirt.  charity insisted i take lunch.  saw sidney gave him all my cookies and hot cheetos.  parked under main 'til closed 2 pm not ready for home stopped @ 2 yard sales nothing i wanted.  stopped nob hill mimi from seniors gym desk working came said hi.  sunny vale library queer taiko too loud for me i can listen from puzzle table.  finished one 5 pm.  driving home so tired i suddenly realized tomorrow sun day not today.  extra day to rest.  i did so much.

nothing on tv bed 7:30 continuing witch mountain series.  escape to 1975, return from 1978, beyond made for tv 1982, race to 2009. 

weather unsettled and so am i

i didn't charge chrome since i wasn't using, 1% turned itself off.  first thing 4:30 plugged in.  6 am went to 24 for internet, loaded lucky's free coke 20 oz y 3000.  coke of the future.  if it sells.  i'm happy.  i didn't win bingo i won food lottery.  sophia gave me veg, fruit cups i shared with toki, kept cake and 2 more sandwiches.  alex, salome late.  j susan sat with us.  hilde waited so late with extra no one wanted.  i took patty only, no more meal, not too good.  

ladies asked to sit my table mistake too talkative the whole time.  only good they left early.  older white privileged bitch asked me to watch her cards, no i have enough to do watching my own.  the nerve.  her younger white friend suggested she put some back, no she didn't want to.  big spoiled baby.  

i like no internet.  so quiet.  tomorrow pool.  then i remembered to charge my phone.  looked in car, shirt, bags, finally found it in house catch all bin.

ken jennings ruined jeopardy

i watched half of celebrity, z list people so dumb i couldn't watch.  i waited for celebrity wheel.  ken jennings picks remarkably stupid people i think to feel superior.  he acts like it.  he's provided all the answers so how he feels smart i don't know.  alex trebek was humble not ken.  

pat respects his contestants.  his celebrities tried to win and not compete to be the funniest.  

they couldn't love me

they'd have to admit they were broken.  they pretended they were perfect and the rest of the world specifically me was broken.  the price of being here is insanity.  to be otherwise is to risk crucifixion.  

so much left over lunch.  no one liked the cold hard omelet.  too much spinach and cole slaw with egg.  quarter less diners tons thrown away.  weird a piece of bread with jelly no butter.  and the heels left in a bag on menu table.  

                       

life is a spiral

 ever moving upward.  seems like we're stuck repeating but we're one rotation above.  

4 pm sunny.  i already picked up cup and it wouldn't check out i asked they clean the disc took a few looked like new.  found 2 possible puzzles for seniors.  funny i don't mind turning in spot.  i used to feel deprived.  now i just feel it's right.  i don't want to own one.  i scored 4 bookmarks.  2 metal, plastic car hologram, hp raven claw.  tygj.

early start

for years i woke early in pain and couldn't sleep so i'd wait for seniors to open at 7.  i had a hard time walking and needed to be sure i didn't make it more difficult.  i habituated myself then covid came and changed everyone's pattern.  some people reverted to the old behaviors so fires changed more patterns.   

happiness is knowing what you need and getting it-onigiri

nothing to do but rest.  games won't play website problem.  free from distractions.  i watched some jackie chan.  i have half a dozen movies.  interesting interview.  he was #1 in china for a long time and coming to hollywood humbled him.  took me 15 minutes looking for shoe supports.  i need all the support i can get.  

i'm cooking everything today.  working in gilroy i cooked sundays for the week, freezing everything.  i'm cooking drums twice not falling off the bone.  i like it very well done.  i'm nuking sweet potato prepped sale 99 cents for 15 0z.  delicious with chick.  

i tried one of the hazelnut croissants, has chocolate filling.  i wonder peanut butter.  

onigiri-triangle rice ball.  i never knew the name before.

must be lack of oxygen

still smoky bad air alert.  i swam at seniors feeling depressed.  exercise best solution.  decided i wanted to checkout sprouts.  great clearance specials.  $12.46 for 2 breads, juice, 2 vinegar chips, hazelnut croissants 2-25 cent singles, bear claws, beets.  

main library closed i went to st just, i needed a smile from the pantry lady.  gloria wanted bell peppers and cantaloupe whew.  everything i'm allergic to.  i kept chips and crackers, eggs, 3 bags of pasta etc.  under library garage parking still closed i came home.

strange pains in my right ear and left hip.  i did a lot of reorganizing.  i cleared 2 reorganized plastic bins for pantry foods.  transferred pocket fabrics to veg box.  took me 15 minutes to open over stuffed kitchen drawer.  whisks jammed.  i slept for 3 hours after a sandwich and chips lunch.  felt stiff but better.  

i slept through.

i loaded freebies and weekend coupons.  i kept trying to load them and realized i had to wait for the weekend.  picked up freebies walked store it's all exercise.  seniors 8 am first spot.  good for bingo.  thought of phone forgot to charge, zero shut itself off.  charged everything discovered plug by scales.  lack of oxygen exhausting.  another air alert.  13 messages.

lunch diane monopolized conversation couldn't figure out how to load freebies to her smart phone so i talked her through it.  did she thank me, no.  gloria collusion no loyalty.  eh, it is what it is.  gloria wants her own account her sisters are shutting her out according to her.  maybe because she's disloyal.  sophia brought me 2 sandwiches, 2 vienna sausages, cookies i gave to alex.  beans and rice i'll give back to pantry.  salome likes to make fun of the rubber bands i use for leftovers.  oh, well too good for her.  like diane.

bingo i won first game almost black out for crazy kite.  snack bar $5.  played lots of numbers not right bingo.  annoying woman on puzzle table plays fry bingo.  helped gerde load the walker into her car.  so brave.

coming home early and resting my back helps a lot.  i brought in some water, i'm finally using large wipes to clean my feet.  aloe vitamin e.  cleared space for st just pantry.  i have a lot of water bottles in the trunk.

lunch good

i puzzled first to soothe myself, i'm missing toki.  so i talked to inge and art.  no cody bookmobile bad air.  i swam 10 am.  such luxury.  

most excellent

home at 6:50 pm from the senior center.  swam, lunched, picked up last extra lunch.  puzzled upstairs walter showed up with minnie.  talked or a bit.  told him about dementia documentary at 5.  noon when i tried to register griselda told me i was too late, no dinner.  eh, i had extra lunch.  he left, hadn't eaten lunch.  he came back for film.  lots of panera veg sandwiches i took one to toki.  

rocky road snickers so good

i ate the whole thing and i could eat the second one.  i ate cheese instead.  better for blood sugar and vision.  

lunchtime

i'm hungry!  i swam, i puzzled and this afternoon i want to pay pge and buy clearance m&m at prune.  lunch ok company great.  toki always remembers comics 4 me.  alex so brave.  diane ate with us.  eddie took his left early.  randall made an excuse and sat at next table, tom sat with us.

i sat in class 1:30-3 on avoiding falls and bingo exercise.  everyone got a gift.  i chose a bag and pill/band aid box.  i bought 3 peanuts and 2 chips ahoy reeses' pieces.  6 monopoly tickets.  Walmart i stood in line 20 minutes to pay p gas.  checked clearance.  clerk checked prices on app downloaded to his smart phone anyone can use.  hmm...  might be the best argument to get one.  charcoal starter $6, cuisinart silicone oven mitt $4, $2-2 almond snickers, .74 pecan pie.  home 5 pm no traffic.  

bed 9 pm.

best sleep

i watered starter plants, ate senior lunch leftovers for b'fast, still lots left.  i'm celebrating me.  most of my life i've been either abused or neglected.  i don't allow that treatment anymore from anyone to anyone and i'm rejoicing.  

i went to cup library 10 am cut off from first space.  went around to park in shade looked for asian woman who took my spot.  picked up my requests didn't find woman.  went to gym to shower undecided on sunny lib.  i decided lucky's gym and store.  talked to ginny from seniors.  walked entire store bought sale sliced cheese.  one monopoly ticket per sale.  i took my time and decided home by 1 pm.  ate seniors pork rice veg/ live vinegar.  took out garbage bin.  

7:30 nothing on tv to bed.

hey, it works

still insomnia and i have my movies i'm content with bed rest.  the subliminal music is soothing rerouting my brain changing my chemicals so i'm calmer.  i'm blessed.  50 years ago i'd have to suffer.  i can choose to suffer or soothe myself.  everyone can.  you tube is free.  i paid cellular from car.  last saturn day pool closed no motivation so i slept.

i swam, first parking space seniors.  figured out how to turn on upstairs lights.  library book sale 10 am.  book 8th habit, space movie and 2 gary larson cartoon books all for $2.  art and wine festival lovely overcast day from northern fires oregon border.  ate 2 croissants at 11.  i could treat myself.  food booths right below.  but do i want to walk through smokey bbq?  my allergies just settled down i'm wearing mask.  and i know food will be too salty.  i considered st j pantry not today.  i'm relaxing.  i'm watching girls' long black hair.  i was never allowed to enjoy being me.  bbq sauce and wienies.  i want to celebrate me.

maybe festival tomorrow early if still overcast.  

went to lucky's prune ridge for veg 2 packages 99 cents each spinach, saving $6.  $3.93 clearance peanut m&m, 3 bratwurst $1.47 coupon $3 off.  i baked in oven 425-350/40 minutes for crackly skin.  spinach i nuked 20 minutes 20% power.  so sweet good.  i can do spaghetti later.  

i sorted backyard ready ladder to clear gutters.  step by step.  covered in dust and dirt i wiped down.  

i'm on it

i loaded 2 lucky's freebies.  went to L x first water substituted so i checked prune ridge only 6 bottles of hot sauce and clearance moisturizing shampoo $2.  i love shampoos.  on to seniors i showered and puzzled.  i got my ticket and took my towel out gerde showed up.  perfect timing to get her walker.  lovely lunch with gloria.  randall is always man-splaining.  he doesn't listen.  i have to get his attention stopping him during his rants.  lots of leftovers i saw omeed with staff's pizza lunch.  sophia gave me so much veg, 5 lbs frozen chicken, hot dog hamburger buns.  i kept cookies and chips.  toki took veg and frozen chicken no one else wanted.  i left buns they disappeared.  alex accepted some chips and cookies.  

i donated sophia game to bingo.  i won last game chose $5 snack bar gift certificate.  helped gerde with her walker again.  she thanks me.  mom dad never grateful or appreciative.  all my life.  home 3 pm i rested.  

i'm feeling better, calmer

swam late 'cause i paid car insurance talked to jordan at csaa updated mileage.  played puzzle 'til 2:30 then home rest tired already.  maybe my brain is dehydrated.  i've been forgetting my water bottle.  there are lots of fountains but it's not the same.  lunch is generally very salty i drink a lot of water.  

i thanked toki for croissants she left at the door and finally remembered anna may wong quarter we talked about 5? months ago.  

eh

i'm ok-i think

watching gigi and nate at main.  wouldn't play at home.  rested home early nothing on tv lots of bed rest.  

how perfect

put out bin, seniors swam, lunch and puzzle cool and quiet. 

i could sleep forever-double trauma

totally overcast i love it.  it's how i feel inside.  hips back sore right neck sore swollen.  i'm healing.  it requires rest and quiet.  i couldn't tolerate any noise and watched tv with closed captions.  sometimes i still do.  dad death 9/5 and tomorrow 9/11.  still hurts.  

took soup for lunch half b'fast.  p'nut butter cinnamon rolls.  watered allergy starters, put out garbage, cup library 10 o'clock, picked up holds.  upstairs teen checked weather fully charged.  on to fremont gym showered drove around checking development.  so many kids swimming.  walked 150 safeway then sprouts.  willow on sale bought 2 dropped glasses lens popped out i put back.  sampled grapes and chip.  found bakery clearance cherry turnovers.  self check found $5.74.  sunny library best shade opened so i walked up.  puzzle full of dander sneezy so i went to eat lunch no spoon.  ate in car in the shade relaxed back support crucial to comfort.  finished 1 puzzle left 5:30.

decided i wanted salad stopped lucky's talked to ron cosetti.  hasn't gone to taxes.  

kintsugi-happy saturn day

japanese idea imperfections and repairs add value.  kits are sold online.  i'm still absorbing the idea pain is beneficial.  

my body is evolving.  my neck is sore finally loosening.  my hips sore making me tired.  draining my energy.  i organized supplements for the week.  so much house keeping.  in between tasks i'm totally relaxing every muscle.  i'm taking little cat naps.

i set out pots for allergy starters.  i need to keep them watered so they root.  

woke up 1:30 hungry pain free.  made p'nut butter cinnamon rolls.  sliced cooked onion.  potato and carrot later to add to soup.  

i'm watching 'everybody loves raymond'.  i needed humor.  my childhood my family all trauma and drama.  healing, repairing uses lots of energy.

free friday

so hungry i'm eating salty tasteless healthy crackers from sprouts.  good thing i'm full after 2 crackers.  no wonder it says doesn't raise sugar level.  can't eat more than 2 without gagging.  i forgot chicken rice in oven.  i ate chicken and scrambled rice with eggs.  mornings i'm not so hungry.  a little fills me up.  i'll save egg rice for brunch.

sidney assumed i was homeless too because i keep so much in my car.  i keep what i don't want the sisters to steal.  if i leave it they'll steal my heart's desire.  i told him i never was welcome, not my home theirs.  i only ever worked here.  most maybe all homeless share this life experience.  never welcome in a home.  any home.  

i loaded free tru blu.  i'm planning my escape.  that gave me the shivers.  i don't know why.  

went to lucky's for free cheddar cheese crackers and bought 2 dozen eggs 99 cents ea.  monopoly ends soon.  took eggs into gym during shower.  home i ate potato omelet.  

i decided to rest and relax.  

so good to feel

i was denied my childhood.  even the bad can be changed to good if it's felt.  you can't change what you can't acknowledge.  showered @ gym sat considering enjoying being me decided to go pay Citibank.  then 20 minutes early on to sprouts found 6 clearance immune herbs 2 cobb chicken bacon salads mngrs special 99 cents.  $8 total.  score.

seniors late 11 open.  i think just to mess with us.  otherwise why announce 10:50 start time.  toki and salome showed up alex eye doctor.  cody bookmobile waited for us.  3 movies.

my legs feet neck skull hurt like 1972.  so lovely cold in library making me sleepy.  2 new movies.  home 3 pm for salad in trunk.  i remembered i had salad mix from monday.  and jerky.  huge bowl salad.  

healing uses so much energy

went 7 am cost gas.  easy fill up less than 10 minutes.  home and rest my back better.

10 am dollar tree checked for calm, c drop candy 2 brands look the same, taste test.  picked up fun cans and sardines.  $18+.  

air quality fair i have sinus headache.  i am peace filled.  listening to music is wonderful.  eyes burning is not.  seniors 10:50 not opened as advertised.  fish good, sprouts actually cooked.  must be relief cook.  waited no extra.  gave toki pears curry mochi cracker bites.  

sprouts checked clearance, soda so so, another healthy tasteless crackers, i wanted $6.99 beet chips.  bicycle john outside complaining i gave him menu.  found roll blue paint tape.  in car i dropped my shades in store went back walked everywhere found at first register.  whew! tygj.  john energy.  

library bought witch mountain movie.  2 in 1.

found missing peach in fridge. dad's 24th year

unfortunately no good.  i still have 3 ripening in trunk.  finally ate omelet.  organic egg heavy and tasteless.  stomach iffy.  lots of grape c.  

still debating which library.  playing mahjong board jumping.  so annoying.  i could go tomorrow.

wearing tight jeans reminds me the years of support hose after 1972 fall hurt my spine.  holding me together.  i wore girdle too.  x quit his job no discussion just announced it.  so i had to get extra hours.  more torture besides a loveless marriage.  

9:18 sitting in front of sunny waiting to open.  aha, i can puzzle my own at central.   i drove onto monroe and traffic to costco too intense.  i still have over quarter tank.  

i never used to like sitting or walking.  i never knew i could be comfortable like wearing shoes.  mom only bought me one pair a year so my feet hurt shoes never fitting.  no wonder i hated being alive.  i was in constant pain and suffering.  my mom punished me if i complained so i have a problem with that too.  

i'm watching asian wife hand book from her bag to husband like he's a child can't manage to carry his own book to return on his own.  wow.  me and every relationship.  it's what mom knew too.  and she lamented she couldn't have nice things.  description online of their behavior called quiet cutting-subtle undermining.  they made me feel like nothing.  i had no self-esteem.  none. zero.  zip.  

on vacation

my permanent vacation starts today.  i got home from gym and lucky's at 11.  I 'm still so tired and sleepy.  i fell asleep for half hour.  new behaviors.  playing my monopoly.  bought clearance egg potato salad 3 lbs.  green salad mix.  honey mustard dressing.  they don't carry asian sunny select.  maybe saratoga.  

no big bang!!  tv schedule has changed messing with my autism!  

i'm so blessed

i'm lying in bed 8:40 am planning my week.  with the chrome i can check weather and holiday schedules all from the comfort of my bed.  air quality still feels bad.  i can feel it as heaviness.  i suppose i can check online.  says good but feels bad.  i did all of first of month chores in 2 days.  no wonder i feel tired.  and i forgot goli calm candy i sleep deeply.

kelly howell clear windshield effect of subliminal music.  helps us see what's there.  i believe.  henry ford said if you think it is or you think it isn't you're right.  

i'm feeling so relaxed.  i have mornings when i feel strongest to take care of business.  next week is mini vacation.  seniors shut down but library open.  county and sunny open an hour mornings.  

free

daily word.  sprouts since early 17 minutes.  clearance full bakery and back.  sat day the best.  turkey sandwich $3.50 for b'fast.  seniors lovely swim.  left early chase withdrawal star 1 deposit stopped 3 yard sales.  st just pantry closed 'til 5th.  

parked under central.  now i know why my back still bad to keep me from saving the world.  sidney just asked me to drive him to cataract surgery mtn view.  too far.  too much.  i can barely breathe.  time to care for me.  called walter left message if interested.  saw sidney parking suggested heart of valley or nurses info.

hijab girl finished puzzle i sat relaxed.  home 1:30 so tired.  tv and organized bags, ate soup no idea where cherry tomatoes were.  choc cake and cherry pie delicious saving mochi snack for sharing @ senior lunch.

so tired can't stay awake bed 8:30.

pain is exhausting

the tension of keeping it together burns so much energy.  

dad's day coming up.  they're always in my heart and dna.

exercise the only solution.  i always feel better when i stop.  

paid bart.  mailed insurance.

agony

post erased.  and reset settings.  no idea what happened.

post nasal drip is filling my stomach with ash and fire chemicals from No cal and Oregon fires.  feeling quite sick.  air conditioning central helping.  no puzzling today.  back, legs, feet screaming.  i just want to cry.  starving hungry can't eat.  

after resting feet up 15 minutes night and day stomach feeling better.  wish i had oxigen water.  would fix my stomach.  i recovered progressively by 6:30 air was better.  

ptsd from 1972 and 2001 injuries.  i wore support hose my legs hurt so badly 3 scalding soak baths a day to tolerate the aching.  

it all disappeared

i don't mind.  i think i hit the x too hard wiped everything away.  i've been looking up a lot online.  the odd part is i updated religiously and it still disappeared into the ethos.

so i don't mind.  93 degrees and humid.  sophia gave me organic eggs, bread, cake, sandwiches i gave 1 to sydney all he wanted.  she wanted to give me milk, veg i declined.  she kept chips.  so i came to main to give my car cool shade.  almost 10 degrees cooler.  i'm finally drinking all the packets i bought too tired to deal.  i have a little more energy.  makes me wonder if i had covid and didn't know.  some have few or no symptoms.  

5 pm another hour 91 degrees.  2 hijab women have been playing on the coffee new puzzle.  i sorted the edge pieces and got bored.  when i rested they put the edge together!!  hurrah!!  i can do what i like.  

end begin blues

 time to consider, meditate, ruminate.  

maybe i'm under cyber attack-the importance of being earnest

my pch games aren't loading.  oh, well.  swam got to seniors 7:30.  i don't know.  lunch ok fish raw onions in mango salsa too fresh even tho i removed them.  stewed tomatoes in dry brown rice.  i liked it others complained.  lovely toki brought comics.  newbie earnest guy like a cat sneaked up behind me in lunch line.  he hadn't been since 10 years.  thanked me for answering his questions.  warm dry handshake.  

checked weather decided cup book return today getting hotter this week.  cutie let me check in check out same copy.  1 pm arrival favorite shady parking.  tygj.  ate second cobb salad b'fast and cornbread snack.  

cup library cutie checked tina book in and out.  relaxed teen area cooler no seats available feet up.  home to watch jay leno 4 pm.  

chrome ran down

only sometimes it does.  so first thing i plugged in.  had 2 attempts with phone code to verify yahoo mail.  new action brain stretch.

I just discovered i've been reducing the page the hard way.  another new behavior.  whew!  loaded picked up freebie safeway 3 oz pretzels maria and clearance everything cornbread $3.50. 

funny how things go in cycles.  last week sprouts 2 clearance 3 oz pork jerky 99 cents ea.  sunny sprouts 8 oz 2 clearance turkey jerky $8 ea.  so i'm set in the carnivore dept.

lucky's still had clearance cobb salads i bought 2 for 98 cents using reward dollar.  score!

perfection

happy anniversary to me.  51 years.  lovely day.  swam an hour brian late.  went st just insisted giving me lunch.  sorted bags ate senior lunch leftover.  relaxed on puzzle.  tracked csaa insurance mileage.  

all my chronic pain is 1972 injury finally healing.  i keep forgetting.

another week done

going well.  bingo i won music candy can.  inge won 4 straight.  nothing else better to do.  

i'm so tired of doing the same thing.  i want to live without a care.  i want my forever vacation.  people connect hawaii with doing what they want when they want.  it's too hot.  

good swim

lunch fish.  hilda weird giving out extra.  she acts like it's her food when it's county program money.

23

brian jackson invited me for home pizza 5 pm.  87 degrees 599 oven.  1265 manchester #3.  excellent home cooked sauce.  watched jeopardy and wheel.  opposite of a t and amor.  home by 8:30.  

waiting for lunch

i'm opening 2 pages 1 draft.  if i have thoughts i can enter.  swimming was great tho' i miss brian.  he said he was starting city college.  psych major.  

i finally paid pge at walmart and 2 bags bacon bits clearance 99 cents ea.  and now it seems citibank is double charging me for last month.  i'm feeling resentful i have to fix it.  lunch ok.  finished puzzle 1 piece missing.  

hot spot ready i picked up and finished main puzzle too.  protein coffee i made is delicious.  terrible let down from caffeine.

cornbread is so good whole kernels.  

21 pay discover

not eating throws off blood sugar blurring sight.

pay discover.  cats are obligate carnivores pch quiz needing to eat meat.  i'm a cat.

something not right-making it right-wow

i'll try a new page.  i still can't decide on what i want for lunch.  nothing is appealing to me.  the page is malfunctioning.  ergo new page.  every problem has a solution.  

i'm not hungry.  i've been trying to figure on lunch.  it's 1:45 pm.  

i've been thinking about when i lived cup via vico.  just before sacrificing my life for the family.  brrrr....

brilliant idea of making protein caffeine in small bottles for quickie boost.  lunch problem solved.  keep dry protein powder and add liquid.  

epiphany-sitting here being i realize how much i hated the phone because of the family always demanding, checking up, harassing.  not the phones' fault.

93 degrees 4 pm it should be cooling it's getting hotter.  the breeze has been steady.  2 degrees cooler home.