i want out

i need something different.  my body is continuing to detox.  i'm feeling so uncomfortable.  i feel creepy crawly on the inside.   my back is screaming.

i figured out from watching 3rd rock 1996-2001.  5/28/98 phil and brynn hartman murder/suicide my sadness is something joyful with real life tragedy.  i've realized and accepted for the first time the connection to my mother threatening murder and suicide.  my family tradition of suicide and alcoholism.  my older sister insisting she deserved the abuse and my younger sister denying our childhood ever happened.  denial=dis-ease.  i moved back in 1989 due to dad's prostate cancer diagnosis and treatment.  all 4 grandparents had cancer so i understood my parents fear.  

i can't heal it 'til i feel it.  

that's the exhaustion.  the weakness and sleeping from processing the chemical traumas stored in my body as memories.  i keep forgetting the validity of my feelings.  i've been taught i don't matter.  i have to keep reminding myself i'm important.