addicts are avoiding feeling pain=yesterday inge b'day today pete

every addict and i suspect criminal is seeking the absence of pain.  choosing to feel self inflicted pain in an attempt to rid themselves of childhood pain.  

i'm only feeling because i stopped running from it.  i'm sitting with my pain feeling and processing.  emotional wounds can be forever.  the mechanism to help us avoid future pain can keep us prisoners of our past. 

i work so hard.  no wonder i'm exhausted.  i force myself to stop and face the past when running is so much easier and natural.  fight or flight.  fighting the past is counter intuitive.  seems nothing there.  the past is the foundation for today.

i started for gym and detoured to Danny's recycle.  $1.88 in trunk.  i consider it practice.  seniors i sat in car and phone paid Allstate home ins.  

1996 3rd rock from the sun

my allegiance has been to world rules.  it's kept me sick.  i decided not to return hotspot yesterday.  not like me to choose my back health and my personal comfort.  

i'm taking care of my toddler self.  i look around seniors and notice how many unhappy toddlers we are.  

first time this month new season of 'all creatures...' i may be able to stay awake to watch the third episode of the third season.  i've been too exhausted asleep by 7 or 8 at the latest.

i did it.  i watched 'all creatures'.

considering today

inge has recycle.  or i could stay in or return sunny vale hotspot due today.  

b'fast i ate cheese toast.  the burratta must be an acquired taste.  way over priced.  maybe better with spaghetti.  

karma

loaded my free lucky's 20 oz starry lemon lime.  high fructose corn syrup.  i went and picked up clearance boneless skinless chicken breasts $6 off so $1.53  i will start using my rewards.  $11.72.  packed in car trunk under icy drinks.  i knew there was a reason to store in trunk.

our little band of souls satisfy each other.  the weather has been so beautiful i've made it a point to wait for gerde to help with her walker.  she says she has no money for an assistant.  i don't know everybody seems to finds the money for what they want.

lunch good both glorias and inge back.  toke alex diane joanie.  main i puzzled 'til 2 pm closing.  home i nuked chicken 3 minutes high 35 simmer tender juicy dry mustard leftover lunch coleslaw seasoning.  i can add bbq, teriyaki, or just balsamic.  white or brown.

what do i want to do

i'm still getting used to having what i want.   a lifetime of my family asking what i want and being denied takes a lot of persistent energy to undo  redo.  

still tired

i'm the heaviest i've ever been.  i don't feel like i'm going to float away or the next wind is going to blow me into the next county.  Psychologically I feel calmer than i've ever felt.  i feel grown up.  

i got warnings on privacy settings vampire bots tracking my movements.  so this week i've been going to settings to delete cookies.  they're linked to sites i visit.  i had literally hundreds.  everyday.  like parasites sucking life from the host causing the chrome to crash so it's not me.  nothing i did.  first time in all the years i've been using computers i've gotten a heads up. 

i soaked stretched 24 gym.  loaded burratta safeway freebie.  i had to find out what it is.  mozzerella in mozzerella.  homestead none free i bought clearance with black truffle.  i stopped st just 2 sandwiches chips juice lunch for masado and donut for me.  i found free at college.  i got to seniors 11.  lunch Ron, toke, Alex, Diane, joanie and friend dan.  i remembered to wash laundry.  home i hung everything 3 trips to unload car.  i filled out next month menu.  i feel like i'm timely.  

i prefer sleeping

so luxurious.  today's open pool i was in the tub relaxing for an hour.  lunch good toke, alex diane returning senior.  i realized my muscles have to be relaxed to heal.  i've been locked up.

i relaxed at main and came home early.  i looked and found buttons to replace on my plaid hoodie.  i've wanted to do it since i bought it.  dinner i finished eating bean stew with toasted croissant.  sliced remaining croissants.  they'd sell a lot more if pre-sliced.

check engine turned itself off

it came on after i filled tank. i checked pressure gas cap drove yesterday waiting.  this morning it was off.  yay!!

excellent day genie gave me lap and afghan pink acrylic blankets and fairy skirt.  and i can go to laundry tomorrow.  i love clean clothes.  

then at lunch Joanie gave me plastic dish for bean stew.  Diane brought leftover chocolate cookies i ate got full.  then Jess brought extra stew.  Joanie warned it was hard to close i showed her to put hand middle of lid push down like Tupper ware.  toke was tickled i did it so easy.  she insists i'm smart.  she always remembers to bring me comics.  

i relaxed at main returned and borrowed movie.  home i toasted croissant topped with bean stew.  they'd sell more if they sliced them.  probably too fragile.  

my job still a long time

woke knowing.  my mom was always asking me how i knew things.  i just know.  stomach upset.  did a lot.  got gas and b'fast panera steak sandwich and bacon souffle used 1 card.  home i ate rested still pajamas back to bed.  felt better changed gym half hour soak stretch on to sunny book sale found new bag bought one $3 filled to top with movies and 1 sewing book.  ate half sandwich finished one puzzle.  i feel a whole day since awake 4.  

ready to roll

i'm pampering my sore back ribs and shoulders.  i carried my family for too many years.  actually a miracle i'm alive.  as burdensome as a body feels i suppose it is a blessing.  i don't know.  i have a coupon for free library book sale item today only.  i stopped st just picked up 2 silk blouses 1 L/S polished cotton shirt.  picked up 'mending' book using coupon.  filled 2 water bottles.  home 1:30.  

left arm weird like 1972.  left haunch sore making me limp.  i may need walker.  home i debated soup.  i dried arugula in toast oven.  i'm watching 'get back' Beatles documentary on break up.  seems Paul too bossy George kept leaving running away.  they all agreed they musically played better but had diversified and simply couldn't get along.  sad and mature.

after an entire week i'm better than some.  i'm able to navigate.

new year resolution

40 minutes leaving home to the senior locker room.  i paid discover early to avoid anxiety.  I've been conditioned to anxiety.  i'm ridding myself.  loaded free 'next' silk oat milk.  seniors i showered stretched feeling so stiff.  lunch lovely shared my mending book Gloria 2, Toki, Alex, Diane, Joanie, Ron.  my great family.  i told her about tokidoki.  i can't miss a mom and dad i never had.  

i felt like a walk a bout and upstairs ran onto Gloria 1 is fine just busy we've been worried about her and her dad.  she uses the computers.  i think it gets her out of the house.  

my back ribs have been so sore it takes away from my hips and legs stiffening up.

Saratoga lucky's had clearance 2 chicken cordon blue $7.03 to $3.03 i packed under ice cold water bottles, no freebie 'next' milk.  following spirit i walked homestead Safeway no chips.  my feet hurting from socks slipping in boots i started for home decided maria Safeway chips.  detoured Lawrence lucky's freebie oat milk.  maria no chips clearance olive bread.  on to gym 2 store found chips and clearance Xmas $.28 'frozen Disney' mini baby blue satin chimney stocking to go with red velvet mini 't' chimney stocking.  on the way home Sprouts Nori peanuts and 2 clearance dessert tamales.  i cooked chicken in micro and toaster.  ate so many peanuts half a chicken i was full.

concerned emf

then i forgot.  i slept differently without the emf.  i don't know if better only differently at this point.  

the fake sweetener in the gum upset my stomach.  i was hungry ate 2 bread arugula cheese omelet.  sweetener makes my back hurt.  and all the spinach and arugula maybe too much fiber i don't know.  ate vitamin c drops calmed my stomach.  arrived seniors just before Cody and bookmobile.  lovely visit told him olive oil especially for his kids.  showered luxuriously.  lovely lunch toke and alex.  i wanted to check lucky's clearance bought 10 water.  i wanted Tim's unsalted chips.  cathy tried she prefers salt.  walked Ross and Safeway.  main mending book.  

still no internet sunny hot spot

i went to Safeway used their internet loaded snack bar 'perfect' refrigerator/freezer in produce.  missed the instructions on the ad.  located in produce.  

i'm feeling baby anxiety

i can't believe i've lived this long.  i keep expecting my mom to kill me.  my programming to kill me.  i only feel safe asleep unconscious.

feeding the baby.  i chopped up fresh broccoli added to precooked brown rice heated with boned chicken and corn bread.  delicious.  eating in bed never allowed.  only for the sick or rich.  rich people in movies eat leisurely in bed.  

just occurred to me re gloria's car fraud problem aarp has division.  

i'm feeling afraid.  car covered in ice.  

i forgot the pools are closed.  someone mentioned last week i forgot.  lovely shower and workout.  remembering my 4 hour workouts radio ave.  not as good physically as college b 4 ex.  old energy.  i showered plenty of hot water no swimmers.  took my time.  beautiful sunny day.  lunch i waited for gerda.  she finally came.  geri dj setting up for after lunch dance.  i have 2 pm dentist.  and i remembered i wanted to check sprouts for chocolate almonds.  i had hour half walked the store decided to check shelves.  i asked young man filling bins to read shelftag $.99 from $6.99 save $6.  4 covered dark chocolate cranberries even tastier than almonds.  i'm so blessed.  

i was half an hour early at lunch 'til 2.  waited in the car.  The dentist said extra virgin olive oil is working.  no plaque no cavities.  not even 20 minutes.  i went to main library puzzle trashed again.  oh, well.  home 4:30 i finished eating chicken broccoli brown rice.  snack 9:30 garlic avocado olive toast.  

10 pm brushed evoo kava to ease back ribs sore.

i must remember safeway freebie.  no internet.  tomorrow i can try lucky's or 24 or safeway.  

feeling frantic

oh, what to do.  ate a protein bar that was too sweet.  nuked ate burrito.  keep falling asleep.  i've always been responsible for myself.  and everyone else.  i'm remembering my toddlerhood.  i can see and feel my sad baby self.    

feeling depressed watching movies on dead people.  seems the interesting ones are dead.  i'm sleeping it off.  maybe depression is a form of emotional exhaustion, simple overload.

my emotions are all over.  doing avoids feeling.  postpones feeling.  i'm sitting with my feelings.  processing.  scary and uncomfortable painful scary.  hard to do and be.  new torture.  new possibilities for balance.  happiness.  new unknown territory.  

i suddenly remembered to pay cell phone.  good girl!  i take my wins whatever wherever i find them.  

sins of the fathers are always paid by children.

b'fast i made 3 egg omelet topped slice of cheese 2 bread and avocado from trunk.  it's amazing how things dovetail.  

i've been watching 'elvis'.  so sad.  it touches on all the sadness of the world.  he died of unhappiness.  he did more for integration than anyone or anything.  i took for granted he was an unhappy man making his wife and child unhappy.  he was more.  i wonder if he'd been happier if he'd found something selfless to do.  a charity for his free time.  2 half hours of pain.  i think i always knew how he would end and the kennedys and mlk his day tomorrow.

i'm cooking the pantry chicken in stages.  the puck oven is great.  it's only a thigh drumstick wing seems like a lot.  seasoned only turmeric.  baked mix cornbread and made cardamon milk.  

my right foot is sore again.  i took out the garbage bin at 4:30 pm.  

i finally feel connected

yesterday i lost the bag of choc almonds i bought at sprouts for only $3.25.  oh, well.  i went to st just pantry at 11 between storm clouds.  lots of veg 2 boxes.  i was told i can collect 3 x this month.  too much.  safeway loaded free seltzer none homestead.  3 pm i decided to retrace sunny library steps.  left the bigger box veg for home free and walked all over.  no interesting puzzles stopped gym 2 safeway tonic.  checked sprouts in case.  came home.  great exercise.  I don't feel like going to the gym today.  spell check fills in the words.  monday is a holiday.  yay!  right foot sore like weight dropped on it.  like when alien dropped iron on it when i at 8 refused to iron her clothes after finishing my own.  ouch.

chrome locked, i shut off recovered settings.  pinched left hand cart handle brought in pantry groceries second injury this week.  

lucky 13.

woke early looking forward to 3 free days.  monday holiday.  loaded and picked up free drink lucky's and clearance water and found clearance wilcox t shirt.  i could never afford during high school not any more baby.   wore it exercise.  motivation.

brenda gave me romaine heart calling it endive.  we're all scarred and damaged and perfectly suited to care for each other.  mimi substituted for kirby.  i've been missing her mornings in the gym.  she's doing well.  

lovely lunch with my jonathon livingston seagull flock.  i finally found my family.  well created.  drizzling i decided on sunny library puzzles.  relaxed went panda.  ate entire orange and sesame chiken chow mein.  wrote scathing review i don't like being ignored waiting to pay while my food gets cold.  won't be back to that one.  

after the 3 bullies i'm missing my sisters.  i still love them i share dna i love them as myself.

cody bookmobile

lovely day.  swam an hour and found 4 movies.  gave cody fruit.  he had a good family vacation.  lunch was good. i love everyone so generous sharing.                                                                                                                                                                                                          heather hilda jennifer just being predators.  nothing personal.  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        realizing no energy holding me back senior center.  i called carlos time for tire assessment he confirmed right front said i could leave sensor 5 years.  when ready a-1 shop has tools.

woke feeling terrified child

no dream or sound just awake.  ray bradbury wrote 3 am is the best time to know one's thoughts the least psychic static energy.  maybe a psychic outcry.  or past terror.  and more will be revealed.

chrome crashed.  i'm still processing my fear.  and the bullying.  heather and jennifer are tryimg to bully me.  white women try to control the world by blaming men.  i'm not playing their game.  wars are caused by women.  if women refused men would stop killing.  

loaded free safeway bread homestead closed no computer and college no stock.  oh well.  showered seniors biked half an hour stretched half.  time for lunch with everyone there.  diced deli turkey stew salty.  drank lots of water.  back to sar lucky for 4 water and sweetner said hi cathy.  tahitian lime delicious.  called homestead open free and clearance olive bread.  main i puzzled and pondered my life.

eye twitching is definitely tight neck when i stretch it stops.  not muscle, tendon.  so much popping cracking.  

mom's legacy of loneliness

feels so normal.  it's a miracle i'm alive.  with all the insanity i've endured.  i can understand celebrities killing themselves.  insanity is designed to isolate.  insanity seeks to separate from the herd.  exclusion vs inclusion.  

my right eye has been twitching and now this morning my right hand has new neuropathy ring and pinky finger numb tingly on awakening.  and right thumb feels better?  or more numb i can't tell.

heather mcallister left a flyer on the back banquet tables.  the only flyer in the room taped to the spot i sometimes sit.  i was going to sit at the last round table but i noticed next to the place setting in back where i sometimes charge my chrome.  i'm documenting that jennifer had heather deliver meals while jennifer signed people in.  so much extra effort for little old me.  the best part is i'm demonstrating to my peeps.  i had them look at the flyer noting no one else got one.  states 'places cannot be saved.'  i don't argue with idiots or the insane.  waste of time and energy and running the risk of getting mired in the insanity.  and i'm no longer responsible for saving seats.  i'm as free as a bird.  thank you my sisters.  i'm excited.  i went did a load of laundry between the rain.  missed washing a pair of pants.  next time.  i used to condemn myself (past family training) and i can see it for what it is, nothing.  

i can't believe all the online gossip i'm following.  who am i?  i'm reading about trump, melania, harry and meghan you name it.  

stopped dollar tree last 2 frozen burgers.  no line a miracle usually to the back of the store.  i planned on leaving if a long line.

i hung everything.  i used 2 plastic bags to transport clothes instead of one basket.  i carried them in separately and planned on emptying one, resting then the other, had energy to hang both at once.  energized by st justin windbreaker.  threw together dinner so much veg.  

reading up british monarchy second son syndrome

it's been historic for the eldest to be spoiled to the point of ridiculous taught they can do no wrong and dying early.  the untrained spare second son is rushed into place untrained insecure feeling unqualified to lead.  of course george 6 had a stutter.  he was persona non grata until his spoiled older brother edward 8 tried to force the crown into changing policy for him.  the world was lucky or england would have conceded to hitler.  ed 8 basically a nazi.  the abdication was a ploy that backfired.  

i'm not surprised being the second, spare not allowed a life waiting as the understudy.  never any credit never any cash.  i'm sure harry is used to scrambling taking care of himself.  my sisters were given everything.  i worked for everything i have despite their sabotage..

my resolution to pay bills early i paid citibank, clearance lucky's water 40 cents i bought 10 very bland.  no crv aluminum bottles.  It occurred to me to pay pge at walmart.  clearance cooked barilla pasta $2.22 a bit high i wanted to try.  i wanted to try water too tight i looked for pliers i hear my name joanie helped me open.  she's a delightful maniac.  jack in box 2 tacos $1.63 now hit my spot.  cooked more noodles for lunch chicken.  added salad + peas.  

only relaxed muscles heal

i slept on and off 11 hours.  nothing on tv after 7 pm.

'being naughty' is being oneself.  as babies we're corralled and imposed upon and impressed with what adults perceive in our best interests and not allowed to be ourselves when infancy is the best time, least self destructive time to express who we are.  native americans waited until baby showed a natural inclination before naming children.  they allowed babies to be babies not expecting miniature adults.  the inheritors of the earth.

i'm loving the versatility of this chrome.  the idea i shouldn't be able to use it on internet access certainly adds a desire to do just that.  i'm learning to express myself by not running a program.  i'm finally feeling comfortable at least today.  

i'm doing my stretches in bed.  yesterday i had to get out.  i didn't feel like the gym just wanted to walk.  still no idea what scraped my hand unless velcro from the back brace.  been wearing green plaster/antibio.

walking in joanie's boots. sat day

main i drove into curb.  never did that before.  i've been thinking of bill he.  i'm at main after dollar tree.  i wanted to be sure i bought mustard and i found balsamic no label garlic powder i seem out.  none in back bedroom.  considered st just pantry i don't feel like hauling sorting cooking food.  

the dell and lenovo are same size coding samsung lighter fits better.  sunny has hot spot.  i can get panda.  new year new me.  panda cash only pass found dime.  borrowed hotspot found nickel finished 2 puzzles of puppies and planes.  left 4:30 just starting to rain.

i'm getting the hang of maneuvering.  the advanced spell check is wonderful.  it shows option and i click.  

2 more new laptops

now i have 3.  checked out coding chrome (i like that)  (codachrome) (get it?).  and i'm on the internet 'though i was told it couldn't connect.  i like playing with this.  new experience.  and the regular lenovo is bigger and bulkier than the dell.  this is samsung.  petite for petite laps.  

i powered through feeling alone and sad to feeling blessed.  my focus is on what i want to feel.  

freedom no combo

 i'm going old school paper journal.

dream phone conversation Della

woke me.  she exclaimed dropped the phone.  i stressed calling police wellness check she spilled her coffee.  my dreams are complete.  

he wanted me to entertain her.  she has nieces for that.  so competitive.  probably weren't visiting enough.  same family dynamic.  ruled by jealousy.  he lives with her after crying he lost his lease when his land lady got too old.  too lazy to look for another i offered a room 'til he got a better offer from his 20 year older sister.  baby tom of 10 siblings.  

new day new year

it feels like two per year.  first one is practice.  b'fast heated p chop and veg with sweet sour b king sauce.  

ahh... sipping senior coffee.  mother's milk.  i remembered free swim seniors came directly.  dropped off bartolo $70 on the way.  checked phone 3 v mails i called him to check his mail box.  he was happy.  i like paying my debts means i have money.

gloria 2 asked to join our table.  not knowing who'd show up i said yes.  ron showed up then toke, alex, joanie gave me her creamed chicken.  diane showed up noon.  

i decided to wait main return tomorrow sunny return'karma'.  puzzled 3 hours checked out 'fifth element' with extra features and 'finding joy'.  

listening to healing

as non stop as i can manage.  despite my hips legs back i'm feeling ok.  i swam, b king chicken fingers fries, tumbled sorted matched socks.  i'd forgotten about halford laundry 'til i googled it.  

i'm so blessed

remembering 2000 betrayed by mom again.  choosing alien and mitt. while i relaxed slept in for once.  it was so normal i never even noticed.  i was relieved.  after dad died 9/1999 alien talked mom into buying fordham house a block away.  mom walked everyday cooking cleaning gardening never invited for dinner.  i was appalled but it was mom's choice.  both of them promised mom a home with them and then claimed no room.  their lies killed her but not me.  i didn't believe them.  i knew they were liars.  alien doesn't know she's lying.  mitt knows.  i'm free.  i don't have sisters.

my ribs so sore.  the pain travels.  i put out garbage and recycle.  1 pm i'm watching 'OKJA' 2017 in bits.  i knew it would be a difficult subject.  slaughterhouses are concentration camps.  i'd be veg if i didn't need animal protein to repair my body.  i've tried plant protein isn't enough.  something is missing.  funny no one else i know remembers the controversy.

received all my medicare otc order.  listening to healing non stop.