i'm taking care. i did a little too much. today i'm thinking more carefully. i was too relieved not being poked and imposed on by check up. so i ran around yesterday. today i do what i want gently and thoughtfully.
i showered, finished puzzle 2 pieces missing, lunch toki missed me, gloria stayed won $5 snack bar at bingo so did i. also paper bowl kit i left didn't want. i already have projects i want to complete.
Caremore cancelled my check up due to a family emergency 40 min b4. probably while i was picking up my lunch. oh, well. since i was at westgate i checked out bev mo oxy water none. decided to park under central main, eat lunch charge chrome. i returned movies and renewed book through cody bookmobile. main has combo ready, hurray! i can return the hotspot and stop feeling guilty.
in the bookstore i found a copy of cheaper by the dozen one of my all time favorite movies about families. once i washed it in the rest room and removed the dead spider, clean copy. $2. Voice said take credit card yay!!
universal healthcare would be so simple and easy. capitalism encourages greed so they make it as complicated, difficult as possible. competition darwin natural selection. oh, well.
came home 3 pm and decided to return sunnyvale movies. back home to watch jay leno. they haven't replaced water filter so i didn't bother filling bottles. i suppose i could use it to water plants. marlin at seniors bugging jessica about pool temp i asked why bother after all these years, marlin said it's no bother and gives her something to do. i guess that's all about complaining. something to do. don't work on a solution, complain.
i've lost too many people i love. i feel like they're all together and i'm here alone. i have nothing, no one to live for.
well i've been proven wrong. after lunch diana needed to talk to one of the nurses for housing help. diana left messages for the regular nurse nothing. the new nurse was in her office i asked her if she could talk to diane maybe make some suggestions on what she could do. she agreed i let diana know. both of them thanked me unlike my ungrateful family. and gerda parked just as i was out in the parking lot so i could get her walker out of her car. she thanks me profusely unlike my family. i am useful and appreciated.
new behavior. considering keeping it today too. woke 5 am stressing about dr. i was doing alright 2 egg omelet. took my time getting to seniors. considered buying holiday cards. showered stretched leisurely and a woman came into the locker room wearing a stale stinky scent upsetting my stomach by irritating my sinuses nose running into my stomach upsetting my chemistry. i just made it to the toilet. i feel 5 lbs lighter.
sophia is back. she's a maniac. she took decorations off the table into her walker. she knows better. she did it very surreptitiously. lunch ok not chicken mol e. my stomach is still upset.
talked to walter about morgan's chicken sanctuary in milpitas.
feeling exhausted from dehydration. and still mourning eric's too young suffering death. we all deserve better.
most of life is wasted. it's like people try to out do each other's stupidity. doing stupid is easy. creating good and beauty is hard so people do easy. it's a totally self indulgent adult film starring kids. kids create. my child wasn't allowed.
i'm learning to love my life. cathy sent me a card i fell asleep she wanted me to call. today half hour. she has covid 2 days. i'm praying. she resolved her disability and 65 medicare. she joined ray kroc pool class, made new friends that meet for lunch. happy, happy, happy.
went to lucky's extra freebie posted afternoon yesterday. none so i showered @ 24 hour biked. made myself sandwich. food is my favorite treat. only one i can think of.
maybe why people break rules or disrespect. not enough treats.
realized june 2018 i was driving around test driving cars for at least a month. i could feel dead eric pushing me to get a reliable car. i've changed so much since he died. i bought my used car the year before covid hit and prices went crazy. i'm so grateful. i feel like eric is the only one to ever take care of me. when i was bed ridden for 8 years he kept my car current until i could do it myself. he did it all. he came to get my car took care of smog and registration not tom.
i've been looking for my life insurance bill thinking i misplaced it and it arrived today. i'm so used to taking the blame. i was prepared to call them next week for the address. i made out the check.
i'm very sore all over. i'm mourning eric all over again triggered by della's death.
i decided on playing bingo today i can renew book anytime. new behavior. i didn't win this week i'm changing behavior. book is now 3 days overdue. i thought today grace day. talking to cody library has no actions for overdue. i could wait 'til monday.
eric and della died june. i'm feeling messed up. i missed one book cody renewed other 2 for me i didn't know attract was overdue too. i got my massage in tub. some selfish old people act as if they're the only ones aging. boring. run fast run far.
i finished the puzzle. good odd pieces shapes. stretching my brain.
heal depression is on a loop. so good. i looked online for subliminal happiness none. seems odd to me people aren't more concerned with creating happiness.
i'm feeling betrayed. yesterday letter from anthem liberty denied my dental bill no explanation or information. today i got bill from dentist saying liberty paid $75, $297 owed. eh, i'm worth it.
my tummy iffy. started new puzzle my middle back aching makes me sick. i'm trying to distract myself from pain like when i first started coming here, 2008-9. focusing on puzzle i could ignore pain and leaning on table i decompressed my spine. helped a lot physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.
lunch is so mediocre. the company is great. toki, alex, eddie. watching ant man movie it occurs to me everyone is trying to be their own hero.
and my tailbone. everything. 2 back brace day. sipping grapefruit soda helps settle my pain. cherry seems to work too.
my neuropathy started when they refused to acknowledge my feelings, denied i had any, and forced me to numb myself to their cruelty to survive my childhood. i'm painfully alive. i'm feeling every betrayal, every wound. tom is like my family adding insult to injury. i question if he's faithful to deana or anyone but himself.
tina turner is the greatest example of forgiving and living.
juneteenth is the perfect day to be free. i celebrate freedom from the past. after juneteenth sack lunch turkey cheese sandwich i feel like punching someone who deserves it.
i'm resting.
i decided no clock watching today. costco gas at 8 very few cars. must have slept in father's day.
i went 24 hour had time i walked lucky's and big lots still nothing. burger king chick fries. 10 am came cupertino and googled lucky's i totally forgot de anza blvd because it was too hard parking. cup is lovely quiet. my tummy full i'm happy girl.
thinking of my tortured routine. i went to try to stay cool. my back was always inflamed. i had to plan everything to stay as cool as possible. tom was useless like my dad.
despite tom and ex and others trying to make me the responsible adult.
showered at 24 hour, shopped lucky's and big lots. then i freaked myself out focused on parking i forgot where i put charge cards. pulled over found them. continued to st j freebies then main book sale used 2 free items what a way to go and classic cowboy collection. put in car with holds and resting.
11:55 time to glean movies. huge bag left some getting too heavy. i still have groceries to manage too. 12:30 suddenly remembered lunch. tried big lots mash and chicken not good with 2 slices defrosted buttermilk bread. drank big cup milk. 2:30 done putting everything away.
oven cooked nuggs too spicy. loved quorn. tried jalapeno cornbread ok good with soup. not overly spicy. drank second big cup milk not a good idea. oh, well.
9 am done for the day. the rest is extra. loaded picked up, drank gatorade. ate dollar cheese sausage and remembered supplements. found ate allergy. no new puzzle. 4 requests ready central. either today or tomorrow is book sale free items and st justin.
i'm doing gentle stretches. sitting upstairs i have the entire computer room to myself, feet up listening to healing.
daydreaming is preparing the field for a new crop of living. i relaxed all morning. lunch good company and snickerdoodle. frozen meatballs rubbery, sauce out of can, bun dry stale. i won bingo 3 times, left bookmark, took $5 snack bar and coloring book i gave to gerde as i loaded her walker. side stepped walter with his flock. i wished him happy b'day sunday the 18th father's day. he plans free b'day denny's and round table.
3:32 pm tom montoya called della died sunday 6:15 am he's not sure this week or last. typical. said i'm his last call. thanks so much telling me i'm an after thought. memorial service at neptune society, 2nd st san jose wed 28th at 1 pm. meet at house zaton after. he thinks she was 92. finished rice cracker peanuts. so good but legs feet complaining diet weight too.
took hours finding pink fabric finally added pocket to chrome bag.
i'm having more fun. every block i remove the more relaxed i feel. and last night after hanging laundry i filled water softener with potasium salt. my tinnitis sounded like a swarm of bees letting me know tho' elated exhausted. i rested and relaxed the rest of the evening.
reading happiness becomes you is a lesson in buddhism. tina turner was manic about research. she's like me needing to know. it's nice feeling normal. the only thing i miss not having instant gratification looking on the internet when i haven't a hotspot.
2 machines 2 loads $3.50. coin return didn't work. i put soap in wrong square oh, well. i love the way they smell, cedar. probably better moth prevention. i called number to report machine 18 didn't register money. didn't subtract. i do love clean clothes. home i hung clothes wearing wet laundry to keep cool 74+ degrees.
i used castor oil shampoo. lovely leisurely day. walter showed up seniors with his flock of 4 bantam chickens just as i was leaving. i stayed until he started complaining. i've heard it too much already. if he wants a new better improved life he must tell the universe something new. retelling the old life results in staying with the old life.
my neck shoulders back legs are releasing the slappings i got and wasn't allowed to express. i was taught to suppress. i was so good at ignoring myself like they did i didn't know all that pain was there.
ready to sacrifice for peace. maybe we'll have peace when we all are ready. we have to be willing.
my stomach is upset, hurt, and healing. i'm hoping. re watching wall-e and bringing up baby i never noticed how violent and dramatic. too tense for me. i built up a callous to be able to tolerate my family that is gone therefore stomach upset and sensitivity. i used to be amused by arguing and conflict. i don't enjoy tension. i wish i could cry. i know exactly how prince harry feels by the unhappy look on his face. i was harassed and criticized by my family for looking how i felt. i had to look mindlessly happy for which i was labeled stupid. just so i didn't look sad. his dilemma too i've no doubt.
i have a hard time crying, my mom slapped me until i stopped. "i'll give you something to cry about."
my neck was so tight i thought my head would explode. took serious pressure massage to get muscles to release from skull. from dental work strain. post trauma.
locked up pain released. naomi judd in hallmark xmas movie 2013 window wonderland. she killed herself 4/30/2022 gunshot. must have been committed to dying. 2 years of intensive psychotherapy at Kaiser maximum coverage said both parents passive suicides. my sisters' denying it ensures my niece and nephews will suffer the fallout. children suffer the sins of the parents.
i managed to restrain myself to rest and recover. doing what i need to heal. running away is so much easier. not thinking or feeling just doing.
the lungs of the planet are being destroyed. we can't live without oxygen. we can live without money. i didn't get it before. the west coast burned. now the east coast. ego concerns like putin, trump, any competition lead to planetary universal death for all. the masses are more concerned about football scores or harry and meghan than planetary survival. we're dying as a planet. i'm old and can see it. it's not about getting rich or tattoos, being tough. we all die. it's about living a good purposeful life.
and the news they choose to ignore the fires and continue polluting behaviors. i have to laugh or cry.
watching heal doc and seeing people reconnect to feelings to heal dis-ease i pray for prince harry's happiness. there's so much in the world i pray for; people of ukraine-putin. it sounds trite; love, peace and happiness.
setting aside dentist anxiety i can feel a shift in my back. Feeling is healing. dissolving blockages to functioning. swam, stretched legs hips muscles locked and blocked. like not my body. someone else's.
dentist best yet! in at12:30 out 1 pm new filling intact. appt 7/18 crown and cleaning. ian and dr thang nguyen. ashley and hannah. i couldn't eat at lunch too nervous, now i'm starving with half a mouth of novacaine. i have 2 liquid meals from dollar tree yesterday to try. so expensive in most stores.
sitting at main library charging chrome, computing, reading tina. heaven.
my back keeps me researching a solution and praying for myself and others the buddhist way of life. maybe i'm supposed to pray, as simple as that. i'm feeling desperate i'll try anything. i'm used to fixing everything myself, makes me feel strong and capable. i'll have to find something else. slept last night 11 pm noticed waking at 7 would be 8 hours, ta da.
I am watching heal from sunnyvale. i don't know how i found it. reminding me of what i know and forgot. so i stopped dollar tree med aa eggs 6/$1.25 only $2.50 dozen. i bought 2 types of tortilla, the freezer full. shipment was monday.
read while biking my favorite thing to do. i love tina books, conversational, lots of pictures. lunch alex beat toki very late. her feet are so small. eddie was upset that his doctor lectures his numbers. i asked how he's feeling. no one lives forever. if he feels ok not his doctor's life. doctors get patients upset to control them. inside i feel 16 and i don't have to see my outside unless i go to a mirror. i like my curves. sure it's like i'm constantly weightlifting the extra pounds and i'm ok with it. extra dinner gave art extra carrots.
ok. went to main to rest and relax. read some, computed. drove by st just, 2 cans organic baked beans and peach pie. home 3:30 to audrey hepburn movies. not much on tv bed 9.
anxiety dentist.
it's in our dna to follow our parents' simple survival. the chemical mandate is hardwired in our dna. going against their example feels like death. making our own way is overcoming the example in front of us and the hardwiring. seems impossible. every internal message screams panic yet if we need to find our own peculiar happiness that's what we must do, put up with unease to avoid disease.
watching tina turner (ike tried to make her tiny="tiny dancer") she had such love for life. that's what people responded to her love for love.
my back tingling. like allergy to advil. but loose restless. i still want to run away.
arr seniors 7 am sat in car updating bills. biked 15 minutes, stretched half an hour. pacing myself.
keeping to my regular routine helps.went to sunny for 7 holds; 5 movies and 2 books. for the benefit of hearing and seeing. i completed 2 puzzles. so relaxing. i have to stop judging myself. i feel like my health isn't important based on how my family and exes treated me. i left the library at 7pm and went to g2 safeway clearance spam, dinner, eggs, free green giant garlic butter cauliflower $9.81. home 8pm. unheard of.
i feel great about myself.
nausea, pain, depression. yuck. my childhood. the haze of nicotine kept it barely bearable.
i'm soothing my soul watching 9 movie christmas collection. nothing like my depressed violent family experiences.
tooth bothering me. another reason of millions or billions of inconvenient details.
9:30 pm a day of emotional pain worse than physical. no amount of drugs, alcohol, exercise helps change it only postpones suffering. i can understand suicide. when life improves the wounds start to heal and feeling replaces numbness. post traumatic pain returns to be processed, dealt with.
just realized tina turner died 6 months after her youngest son ronnie died of cancer complications and craig her oldest son shot himself on 7/4/2018 about the time i bought my car on the anniversary of tina leaving ike 7/4 and a year after eric died of cancer.
no wonder i feel like crap. watched another interview harry spare prince. all you have to do is look to his great grand parents to see the truth. his great grand dad was a spare too. like me.
this is the month. i didn't purposely pick this, watching uncovered my sadness and loneliness. i never had a loving mother or father. we were all kids together. they were big mean bullies. june father's day. i needed love i still do.
'secret garden' an orphan girl in 1947 in india hot and dry is sent to her uncle in lush england.
health is a reflection of attitude. attitude drives behaviors which result in health. my parents behaviors never changed before and after diabetes diagnosis. maybe i am a genius.
i'm letting go of the past. i'm feeling and waiting to change my chemistry to feel better.
listening to subliminal healing. i have energy today. i feel ok. i haven't felt this good for years maybe ever.
5:44 i'm hungry. a good sign. i'm finally out of shock. i feel my entire life has been in shock. this planet, these people are unimaginable.
been remembering mutant message down under, black elk speaks, elder brother warning Kogi tribe only not conquered by conquistadors.
10:30 wash/lucky laundry done. $3.75 2-3 loads versus 2 small loads lawrence laundry. and i prefer high ceilings bright light 2 doors cross draft air. lanai style. lovely 71 degrees used lap top desk. relaxing. finished loading laundry, seniors 10:55 perfect. lunch ok. parked under main charging chrome. maybe energy from NOT puzzling.
during jeopardy toki walked over 2 safeway donuts funny girl so cute in her sun hat.
important to everyone still alive. my theory about dementia, people have something they want to forget and have dementia wiping the slate clean. aunty told me uncle spent his last year of his life in a dementia facility. i told her he probably wanted to forget a lot of world war 2 memories in italy in the 442. a lot of his buddies were killed rescuing white soldiers. most decorated highest casualties of war.
did my banking, mailed life insurance, library main, rest relax recharge. dropped off bart pay.
