new i'm relaxed

end of month and i'm ok.  walter came by seniors late i forgot short day.  i went by carlos' for check engine he was leaving so i just dropped off potatoes and carrots + cans st just grocery.  maybe tomorrow maybe not.  birthday freebies 'til 6/13.  eh, cold stone ice cream and chili's cake with purchase.  wow, i forgot denny's and pizza.  and $10 target gift card.  and cost co rewards by 12/28.  and $300 otc walmart.  

diane said she was going to talk to jess regarding alex, not.  so dramatic repeating how worried she is yet not following through on anything.

mellow

feeling nauseated.  could be the cold damp or my back.  the pain is moving.   i walked nob hill.  i do a lot of walking.  bought corn chips.  i added engine cleaner, filled gas tank.  

remembered the dollar tree refried beans.  i want salsa.

nov-dec-jan

i'm really experiencing winter like never before.  check engine light still on.  eye glasses somehow fell out of gym bag, i found them on check in desk.  i didn't secure water bottle top and flooded the hallway.  mallory mopped it up.  

oh, well the world hasn't ended.  

i went to lucky's looking for clearance and fish oil is on sale so instead of going to Walmart i bought it trying to use gift card ended using discover.  my back was hurting terribly i realized the backpack is too much.  new behavior.  

43 o

i waited 'til it warmed up to 44 at 9 am.  check engine light came on after 5 min driving.  he does not like the cold.

spent the day resting

5 pm i decided i wanted to get nob ad and sunny library.  picked up holds returned movies.  played on puzzle for a bit.  so relaxed.  checked sprouts clearance dried diced pineapple.  dollar tree pizza and protein drink.  

nodira and son tohir

i wonder where lost blogs go.  i swam seniors 'til 10 and puzzled 'til 11:30 when Nodira gave me chips and whip cream coffee.  i saw Brian in the parking lot, asked if i wanted to walk with him to central 2 miles one way.  no thanks.  

walked sprouts nothing i wanted.

returned 'movement' renewed chrome+ for 9 weeks.  I walked around and looked in bookstore.  

checked safeway for bread clearance Halloween glow bucket purple spider (i have last year green and orange ones) clerk dropped on floor stopped working i dropped in car it started flashing again 99 cents each.

dollar tree 2 beef pot pies, box of crackers, clearance big cup, cord winder, shower curtain 50 cent each.

i do a lot everyday.  

i'm so full

still have food.  11 am i picked up free drink from lucky's bought cheese and couldn't figure out gift card.  oh, well.  stretched, showered at 24.  home 12:30.  

best thanks ever

left at 11:30 bought sale cheese Safeway, first Presbyterian saw Gloria, st Clare, first pres looking for Walter home by 2.  i ate one dinner at first and picked up 2.  people giving without guilting me.  real generosity.   i called Walter and wished him happiness.  

bed rest napped 'til 4 pm cut up baked chicken and put away food.  40 minutes then back to resting.  i was so used to bullying and forced labor i never noticed.  

i was in hell most of my life 11/23/23 mustard chicken

heaven is great!  i'm relaxing.  nowhere i have to be.  no one is demanding or criticizing me.  

jane thanked me in front of everyone for connecting her to the mexican chocolate she wanted from the market deli.  i've never felt so warm and appreciated before.  she did all the leg work, i just told her the solution and she did it.  my family and familiars demanded i fulfill all their desires without appreciation or thanks or even acknowledgment.  like the genie/slave of the lamp.  i gave them the safety and security of a friendly world.  from 8 years old i raised them all.  and all they did was sabotage my life to keep me enslaved.  old, antiquated effective behavioral model.

the subliminal recordings on you tube are working.  i'm choosing people who respect, appreciate and acknowledge me.  yay! me!  

baked chicken sliced thick part coated with spicy mustard 400 o half hour. 

thinking of jfk assassination 1963

60 years ago.  the trauma of the first person i cared about murdered and the tv live coverage.  they covered it all day and for weeks after.  and the speculation the mob arranged his murder because of marilyn monroe and all his affairs.  and her suicide then rumors bobby kennedy had an affair with her and was assassinated.  

with my family suicide, betrayal, drama history the kennedys mirrored the all american family.

bed rest 2:30

i'm learning how to successfully process mom's suicide.  the family tradition of denial and torture never worked.  

i'm ok

i did a good job taking care of me.  kenny and trudy fujii ate lunch with us.  toki looks pale but feels better than last week, salome and toki's friend connie.  i stayed online and hilde had leftovers i took 2 patties.   

stopped at nob hill no potato salad left.  saw toki said hi to meme.  bed rest by 2 pm. 

on the edge

rest now to recharge.   i'm watching 'men in black' 1997.  dad was on the edge and mom was dealing with his decline and i was holding everything and everyone together.  

it's so different to listen to my body and put my health first.  shivers my timbers.  today i'm processing mom suicide trauma.  glad i have nicotine lozenges to make myself calmer more comfortable.  i ate cheese omelet at 6 now 10 am i want supplements and faux crab lettuce mix.  i'm feeling a little anxiety.  my usual distraction is doing.  like workaholics running from uncomfortable emotions.  can't feel or think while doing.  

living consciously takes mental and emotional discipline.  food, drugs, alcohol and emotional avoidance.  food takes the most discipline.  you got to eat to stay alive.  hence eating disorders.  

'men in black' marathon 1997, 2002, i never watched 2012.  huh.  

sunny library noon book sale hours.  i used coupon for an immense bag of movies.  i returned movies and tried link + 'pain free' none in system and she didn't give me attitude like guys.  home by 2.  tired with another big bag of movies.

chicken skin crisps b'fast-brian, kimo, carole allen

they could prepare like precooked bacon but much tastier.   

late day predicated on st just 1-330 pick up.  i'm looking forward to this holiday.  i don't miss the family or wish them to love and respect me any more.  i am at peace.  war is about envy.  whenever i find something my sisters have broken or ruined to upset me i used to feel badly for them and myself.  i'm ok it's just stuff i can replace.  

seniors i swam talked with brian an hour told him dinner churches.  his son is divorce pawn.  i stopped at main noon book sale movies.  saw kimo.  1 pm i considered going to county decided to try being normal lined up st just for an hour saw carole as i was leaving.  felt good went county picked up 4-9 seasons for 'raymond' marathon.  

free day tomorrow sunny book sale.  i feel ok now.  

lots of left overs for b'fast

 my favorite.  i love not cooking.  after a lifetime cooking, cleaning, shopping i'm done.  

watched mike birbiglia comedy mostly because of his name.  from book mobile.  a story teller.  finely crafted.  a lot of work.  

my body chemistry continues to adapt.  i've been thinking a lot about tina turner.  she had high blood pressure that destroyed her kidneys over time.  she worked out hard maybe it was the massive performances.  too hard.  too much stress.  when i found out about type A and type B people i decided to be a type A applying myself to become a type B.   i know you can easily lose 10-15 lbs sweating performing.  maybe too much too quickly.  she always looked healthy and strong.  maybe elvis presley too.  but his heart.

lots to do this weekend.  no wonder i feel tired.  i used to feel numb.  lucky freebie pick up snack and choc.  swam and finished puzzle.  toki not feeling well.  hope she's better for eye op 12/6.  bingo i won pink 2 x sweatshirt tissues in pockets.  sunny library picked up spot checked needed charge and 'pain free' disc tried to play cracked.  take back sun day book sale.

i forgot to take supplements, double today-FATIMA donates salads

definite shift in energy.  i do insist on testing myself.  good quiet swim.  not too many people.  hilde kept so much lunch left overs she gave me one.  everyone is tired and left i stayed to keep salome company.  they call her salami or shalimar.  

feeling ok i did one 3 load wash.  nice afternoon.  hung laundry, in bed resting by 2:30.  watched 'detectorists' 2022.  i don't find incompetent failures the least bit funny.  3 stooges is based on dumb humor.  i can see in advance the failure coming like a slow freight train going off a cliff.  like my parents based on their history and my sisters following the family tradition.  stupidity is everywhere for free.  

healer's prayer course in miracles p. 24

i need not worry.  it's just a huge bad habit.

so walter came by and i got to counsel myself.  if i can save him some suffering 

well, that was weird

i lost all settings and blog malfunctioned.  headings changed to all pink from blue.  reset you tube queue.  oh, well.  i knew it was weird at lunch when lee came over and talked about his phone and asked about chrome.  then lhosa came and sat.  weird vultures.  energy has shifted.  i've researched 54 pages of 'pain free' re balancing muscles to heal, reset functioning body.

home by 3 veg lunch and bed napped 'til 5 dinner and 'wheel'.  next healing marathon 'everybody loves raymond' from county.  i've finally accepted i require more rest to heal.

i'm committed to healing myself above all else.  by healing myself i raise the energy of the planet.  i'll keep on keeping on.  

my heart is aching

bewitched 1964-72.  3rd rock 1996-2001.  i'm healing segments of my life.  i was on my own free from family 1989-1972.  17 years of freedom exorcising the demons.   demons make life hell.  

they used dad's cancer to talk me into moving back into slavery and i did it probably out of guilt.  i'm weeding my inner garden of the seeds of self destruction.  so i'm sleeping and clearing, changing the energy.  

lunch was mediocre, good company eddie, toki, diane.  finished the puzzle and francine visited.  then i went merry for deposit and sprouts double crust cherry pie, $10 clearance 2 spray, 4 roll-on scents, blueberry peanut butter, 2 drink mixes.  

i want out

i need something different.  my body is continuing to detox.  i'm feeling so uncomfortable.  i feel creepy crawly on the inside.   my back is screaming.

i figured out from watching 3rd rock 1996-2001.  5/28/98 phil and brynn hartman murder/suicide my sadness is something joyful with real life tragedy.  i've realized and accepted for the first time the connection to my mother threatening murder and suicide.  my family tradition of suicide and alcoholism.  my older sister insisting she deserved the abuse and my younger sister denying our childhood ever happened.  denial=dis-ease.  i moved back in 1989 due to dad's prostate cancer diagnosis and treatment.  all 4 grandparents had cancer so i understood my parents fear.  

i can't heal it 'til i feel it.  

that's the exhaustion.  the weakness and sleeping from processing the chemical traumas stored in my body as memories.  i keep forgetting the validity of my feelings.  i've been taught i don't matter.  i have to keep reminding myself i'm important.  

my dreams of sadness

another layer exposed like growth rings in a tree or layers of an onion.  9 am i showered and swam then st just.  no meat.  lots of veg.  

i rested there too.  11 am i rested at main, hot spot stopped working tech support turned it off and on, started working again.  as simple as that.  i don't have to pick up at sunny yet.  m i b was supposed to be on tv but i can't find it.  maybe tomorrow?  

left 9:30 back 11

i went lucky and decided I wanted Jr. burger king w/fries for lunch w/salad mix.  A delicious lunch.  i redeemed monopoly tickets and free soda.  and i'm resting, digesting lunch.  i'm not rushing around cramming as much as i can into every minute.   a new conscious thoughtful me.  i feel guilty of not suffering.  my family tortured me so much.  i numbed out to survive their torture.  

war against one's self is dis-ease.  peace is health.  i choose health.

i worry about everything.  i know how pain filled life can be.  i have so much compassion for walter.  

everyone's getting sick.

eddies's having hard times.  asked me to leave him alone.  ok.  dino was sick last week.   toki brought me 4 blueberry muffins.  if not for toki i'd take the month off.  i deserve a break.  old faithful me.  

last week i felt terrible, sad, tired, no energy.  this week 100% better.  senior closed tomorrow sunny opens late.  freedom.  

sitting seniors feeling silly

masking is required again.  not just me sick.  toki said many sick.  

jane, eddie, susan and toki excellent company.  lunch ok not good enough for seconds.  i went to main return overdue i picked up 2 wrong books.  

i don't want to do anything

i'm watching 'very bad things' 1998 terrific waste of money.  so many good actors in a mean spirited movie.  i'm obsessed with understanding. 

two weeks since flu and covid shots 10/23/23

i'm finally better.  i cancelled lunch 2 days.  too boring.  i want a better life.  i showered at 24, considered b king.  at 11 am 2/$5 jr bacon swiss very salty.  

drove to toy parts google directions good.  bought 2 keys $134 extra $20 to cut and more extra to program in service department separate appointment only.  next used car i'll get factory key at dealer.  another strike mag toy palo alto.  i called rescue Ron, his daughter Paulina appointment 2-4 i'm excited.  new behavior.  as exciting as the tow truck ride jan.  that i waited 2 hours.  i feel like a puppy.  3:30 pm i'm not so excited.  i'd hoped to get it done early and go to sunny, oh well tomorrow.  i called Paulina 4:30 she arrived 5 done half hour lovely person.  she charged me $125 just for key program free trunk lock fix i wrote $150 for excellent service.  

covid tested neg

quite a procedure.  so many steps and cautions.  i'm feeling a little better.

epiphany- i've been making my life harder.  my family trained me to suffer abuse and humiliation.  1999 i asked mom why she 's so mean to me she said to toughen me.  i don't need for life to be harder.  it's tough enough.  she treated my sisters so good.  mom and dad taught them to abuse, humiliate and steal from me.  i chose people to make my life miserable.  my family tradition.  what was familiar.  what i was used to, comfortable with.

i can force myself to chase after free stuff pushing myself beyond my limits or relax and let heaven come to me.  

my sisters hated mom and transferred that hatred to me.  they never used to notice me.  no matter what mom did they hated her and she knew it.  

confirmation-8:30 i put out garbage and recycle bins, 8:45 drove to cost co, filled tank 'though website said closed 8 pm.  home 9 pm 70 degree weather.  amazing i feel ok.  

made tuna mac- received covid tests

best with yellow mustard.  

jujubes

i went out to the car 9:30 am to see how i felt.  still too tired.  i loaded free lucky's 5-8 oz processed cheese.  not worth forcing myself.  i brought in drinking water.  i ate jujubes chinese granny gave me last friday at seniors.  full of c and fiber.  sat in trunk all week.  

when i have the energy i want to fill my car with gasoline and buy 2 car key copies.  simple things make me happy.  i toasted a split croissant and topped with hummus.  i have my appetite back.  i haven't felt hungry for over a week.  i ate out of habit.  

i just remembered 2003.  i went to emergency twice.  i had surgery, had to hire an attorney, shawn parr, to stop my sisters harassing me with threats of physical eviction.  no one to stand up for me.  no wonder i'm still depressed.  

i need new motivation

i've felt depressed my entire life.  last thursday i drove everywhere meeting deadlines and made myself sick.  my family drove me with abuse and torture.  they humiliated me in front of others and terrorized people me included.  

my motivation in life was avoiding pain not creating joy.  i want health and happiness.  i kept trying to make others happy in hopes they'd reciprocate.  toki's the only one.  she called 6 pm to ask if i needed anything.

i need a new focus for living.  

toki brought me senior lunch left overs

i haven't been hungry for over a week.  pasta and salad like always.  toki called to let me know gerde died over the weekend.  i wasn't surprised just a little envious.  i'm calling on her help.  she was so tired.  she's no longer tired.