dropped key found key

I must focus on ME.  the lesson of ME ME.  put every thing else aside.  the new me drove back to center and library.  I am hopeful.  practicing new energy.  

Nob Hill and ME-ME

I took recycle they don't anymore Recycle Tek in Sunnyvale by home depot.

6:48 am a great time to arrive

i puzzled a little then soaked and stretched.  i changed into exercise clothes and Toki came early 10:30.  nice change.  full lunch table:  Trudy, Kenny, Toki. Andy, Salome, Florence, Donchey.  then after lunch i puzzled until bingo.  i won once.  i drove to Safeway for salad and 2 Stouffer's dinners.  on to cup for 2 movies.  straight to lucky's for buy 2 get 3 free chips and mac nuts on sale $5 bought 4.  most excellent.  

6:52 am perfect to get my favorite space

"the final frontier"  and playing on my puzzle.  yes i said my puzzle.  i picked it.  i had 2 lucid dreams: 1 kissing my true love and #2 Anne worrying about her memory.

i soaked stretched for an hour and stretched on the table for half.  lunch not good but company excellent:  Trudy, Kenny, Fred, Toki.  Diane loves talking to the men sat with Fred.  

after lunch i puzzled 'til 2 and decided to forgo more exercise and go home for people puzzler.  i was so hungry from a tiny lunch i ate chips.  dinner a tuna sandwich with salad lettuce.  

10 am good gym parking. no hot spot

i forgot my flips and God provided a towel to wipe my feet.  tygj.  finished showering at 11 headed to Ukraine benefit.  beautiful people with green eyes.  very expensive.  i bought 2 chocolate bars and 7 potato dumplings $24.  my Costco rebate.  i paid cash most people scanned smart phones.  

$5 dollar tree i bought spaghetti-o's, bag clips, anti-freeze, trash bags, lime rice, pretend crab wasn't so good tuna is better.  i added to salad.  

life can be wonderful.

don't know what i feel-returned sunny hot spot

All feelings can be painful.  new feelings are unknown.  probably when and why celebrities kill themselves with drugs and alcohol.  poisons.  soaking in the warm tub is releasing stored belly feelings from before i could speak so i have no words to describe the suppressed emotions.  i suppose that's what kills people continuing to suppress strange feelings.  

11:30 picked up salad $1.79 and 6 old fashion cake sale donuts 64 cents ea. Safeway and 60 cash.  then i remembered tomorrow Ukraine food and crafts benefit.  if Ukraine falls Putin will take more.  stopped st just for lunch and weekend bag.  i'm grateful.  mom never cared and Aileen a child so no lunch for me school years.

great library dad mirroring his tiny girl building her self worth.  

sunny phone message 3 day overdue book and spot.  A lovely day at the sunny puzzle table 'til 6 pm close.  then sprouts. detoured to costco sat in long line 10 minutes to fill up.  

goofing at seniors

i picked up free tru-blu saltines 16.3 oz and walked sprouts nothing i wanted.  no wonder i feel tired.  no b'fast.  i'll have shake.  i considered pork stick not today.  too heavy.  i want light.

i took my time.  might be time to turn in chrome to check battery.  down to 22% after 2 hours.  i showered and washed socks.  i can dry in mesh bag.  

big belly

my bound muscles have finally relaxed.  the body when injured seizes to prevent further tissue tearing immobilizing the wound.  and the exercise bingo is motivating me to move.  

the pork stick is like salty spam.  b'fast.  i left home at 6:39 am.  i love watching the sun come up.  life is so enjoyable without the arguments.  Florence and Jane got into an argument about pharmaceutical reps.  Jane has been one and Flo was bad mouthing them which Jane took personally.  then Florence apologized but complained to me and wouldn't let it go.  silly girls.  

so i'm trying new behaviors.  i was going to return the spot last night but felt too relaxed.  maybe today.  maybe tomorrow.  

play day

i want every day to be play day.  i can go home for game shows or return a hot spot or exercise more or just goof around.  i soaked for an hour and then biked and stretched.  then lunch i forgot Toki told me offsite lunch with friends.  Diane asked then i remembered.  and Salome.  we're the Goofy girls.  

i considered soak part 2.  too noisy this morning in the tub with Trumpers loudly pontificating.  even from the pool they were loud.  

pain is easier than nausea

10 minutes breathing the pollution i feel sick.  my tailbone on fire i'm ok.  took me 3 hours breathing air conditioning to feel ok.  i soaked then lunch.  biked 20 minutes before going to bingo size.  

feeling ok i wore a 95 mask and shopped lucky's for free loaf of bread and mini cookies.  Walmart i paid PGE and bought copper back brace and protein shakes.  then i remembered Safeway chips and mauna loa on sale i bought rocky road and strawberry guava.  i ate chips and rocky road.  

home and rest.

i'm still processing the depravity

i read an online article of an American being prosecuted for animal cruelty in a case in England.  he sold and distributed movies of live baby monkeys being lowered into running blenders.  these torture films were sold worldwide.  it's a multi country problem.  the torturers could be anyone anywhere.  i'm still feeling horrified.  too horrible for words.  

maybe that's how family secrets are created.  too horrible to discuss.  deny, deny, deny.  

brain tumor man apologized for his meltdown.  like i'd ever trust words.  sister Aileen couldn't melt butter she was so cold and like trump words have no meaning.  totally insincere.

he did motivate me to vote and drop off my ballot.  

i checked internet connection on library computer new chrome format increased safety.  so it's malfunctioning is nothing I've done.

came home 2:30 for people puzzler and still hungry.  i ate chef boy r d chiken soup.  already tastes bad sitting on a shelf wouldn't improve it.

a handful of dust 1988 film

a study in infidelity, betrayal.  the 1934 book by evelyn waugh is so matter of fact.  the lawyers, detectives, families accept lying and cheating as a part of every day society.  if one is rich anything is normal.  i don't understand.  i believe in simple physics.  what goes around comes around.  what you put out comes back.  the universe is energy.  this is a very blemished world.  a soul chilling world.  

i'm taking vitamin c.  i have a cold triggered by allergies nothing new.  happened all the time in Gilroy.  when i feel feverish i take one and feel better so i know it's a cold.  i wanted strawberries, almond pastry and goat cheese.  heaven is having what you want when you want it.  

i actually feel cold.  it's been a long time.  maybe 20 years.  

7:38 seniors open 8-Oakland fires

the new me enjoys the time to let my soul catch up.  i considered Walmart, target and sprouts but too much rush.  i'm enjoying my life.  couldn't happen to a nicer person.  there, i even enjoy 'nice'.  

i sat in the car and remembered to check calendar.  so i paid Discover due 21.  

season change is drying and ramping up my allergies.  I had some Tylophora.  i soaked and stretched an hour.  checked sprouts clearance 99 cent baby lettuces.  st just lunch and weekend bags.  library book sale 36 movies for $5.  11:30 sandwich with greens i'm in heaven.  my heaven is simple.  

i went and checked out sale and bought a bag of 36 movies for $5.  oh well.

my skin and lips are so dry from allergies.   i have so many chap sticks and moisturizers.  

picked up my freebies at 6:30- Mike died

yogurt and candy.  and the manager special dozen eggs 99 cents, half price almond pastry i brought home.  

i took my time.  At the seniors i showered, biked for half an hour, and stretched half an hour.  my middle back is alive and talking to me.  dull pain and stiffness.  I've had neuropathy pretty much my entire life.  can't heal it 'til you feel it.  you know something's off but can't know what it is.  

lunch not good.  i puzzled 'til 2 sprouts goat cheese 3@ $2.50 ea.  home for people puzzler.  

my inner child is playing

i got a reminder to vote.  brain surgery blowhard announced loudly in the tub he was voting for trump.  so aggressive and annoying out of the blue so i asked "you're voting for king trump?"  he affirmed so i said yeah they voted in hitler and gave him poland like trump wants to give putin the ukraine.  he got upset when trump has said more than once he wants to do away with due process of law and has repeatedly threatened his plans to jail people without trials.  so i figure all non whites and immigrants will be sent to camps, hitler funded world war 2 by arresting and confiscating fortunes.  trump has stolen people's money and declared bankruptcy to avoid pay back numerous times.  he left the tub in a huff shouting at me to "shut up" i told him "today i still have free speech later who knows."  

i feel sorry for the immigrants who came seeking peace from tyrants and violence only to experience a lawless pro-violence presidential candidate.  

jd vance's wife is east indian too smart for her own good, trump will get rid of her quickly.  probably one of the first in the concentration camp.  she's not blonde and slavic.  

helpful people

i'm counting them.  maybe 5 a handful.   65 % of people are good and honest.  I've lived my life with the 35%.  my family was the 35 %.  I'm spending my life without the 35.  

i swam 2 1/2 hours.  lunch long line 'til 11:30.  Walter's doing better.  Diana gave me outdated monopoly tickets.  gave me something to do.  I puzzled 'til 5:30 went to nob hill for ads and to redeem    

CRASH!! can't remember password

so i'm using another way.   so google won't let me renew y mail.  

bingo fun no win.  

you tube all new healing music.  I don't know where oldies are.  

stopped at sprouts clearance jerky.  i drove king's highway to sunny.  i don't like the raised pedestrian walkway and i can detour.  i puzzled 'til 6 pm then sunny sprouts quinoa snacks, pie 2 blueberry halves clearance $1.99 ea, and cornbread.  i'm blessed.  dinner pie and pork.  

brave cathy

she sent me a halloween card and stickers.  she's doing great in Hawaii.  she has buddies and family.  she goes to the Ray Kroc Center.  

Pat Vorreiter 2007

everything i wrote disappeared.  i looked up her info to check her address.  she was Ailing and Mitt's fourth and final lawyer.  and everything evaporated into the ethos.  like the belief i ever had a family.

1998-2007 was hell.  dad fractured his spine and i watched his decline and passive suicide.  counselor's words.  then mom made good her 1993 suicide attempt on May 13, 2001.  my sisters upped their cruelty and betrayal.  more than four times the agony with my ex husband.  i had to overcome the family history of denial.  56 years to that point.  

King of Queens television show ran those years.  my mini vacation from the overwhelming pain humiliation lies and torture.

i'm processing the pain of divorcing my family.  down to the core of my being.  who i used to be.  i'm deciding who i'm becoming.  i fully expected the pain would kill me and yet here i am.  

so i'm pampering myself.  doing a little housework for my pride.  celebrating me.  eating chocolate.

3 egg omelet

i've changed my mind.  i don't want to go to crowded cup to see parrot show.  it will be noisy and full of kids.  i feel relaxed and choose to stay this way.  

i puzzled 'til 9 soaked 'til 10:30 picked up st just lunch avoiding comic con.  i decided back to first baptist i walked an hour and half.  i budgeted $10 picked asi lo mar mesh bag, washable office pen organizer, pieces of white lace fabric, adze.  she wanted to charge me $12 so i was going to put back the fabric, she gave in.  she gave me an additional bag for adze.  

home best lunch.  

checked my c u balance

i'm feeling paranoid.  Life is going well, fear is bubbling up.  seniors i showered and then biked 30 minutes.  i timed my lunch walk for 1 of 2 extra.  after seniors i went to prune lucky's for freebie and $5 royal blue 2 X hoodie.

2 hours walking 1st baptist rummage sale too high.  yard and half blue lace and dirty glass vase $8.  home at 5:05.  if still there tomorrow maybe for much less.  

6:55 am seniors

my favorite time of day.  and getting into bed and relaxing.  i enjoy watching the sunrise.  everyday is new and different.  Can't Wait to Get to Heaven must be rubbing off.  I've read it enough.  

i'm taping over bad recordings with positive uplifting thoughts.  and it's working.  bingo reward is better health and less pain.  

i deposited checks and cash for the month and walked Sprouts.  said hi to Joyce/robin.  she looks like a robin to me.  nothing i wanted.  CBD $10 for 5 doses from $7.  

I pondered the library feeling a little tired.  decided on home made best mac and cheese with dry milk and 3 tsp butter can tuna.  

afternoon swim

i'm being new and different.   i have my checks and cash ready for deposit.  maybe today but better since short hours tomorrow.  i'm blessing the month i forgot no mess no stress.  

i ate tuna sandwich for b'fast at 5 am so 11:30 i'm ready for lunch.  turkey stew.  we'll see.  it was so so.  couple hours finished 'positive thinking' puzzle.  

3:30 waiting for pool to re open at 4.  my legs and feet are swollen.  2 extra helping peas to go.  i'm itching all over like while bedridden.  2 hours tub 94 perfection helps.  home 6:30.  HEAVEN.

i like watching the sun come up. no CBD

remembering who i used to be.  my world was so limited.  i wanted a good family.  that's all i wanted.  to make up for my cruel heartless upbringing.  i hadn't a childhood as much as indentured servitude.  i was tortured and lectured on a cruel world that only existed for me within the family home.  i learned to trust and gravitate to those who would use, cheat and betray me to perpetuate the family legacy.  the world is actually 65% great.  it's the 35% bastards I've studied to protect myself.  so I've learned to recognize and deflate the air bags not adding to their hot air tirades.  i prefer to watch them float away.

Walter is making noises wanting to hold on to his past.  time to let him float away.  he prefers Marie, worriedly asking me if I'd seen her.  i almost lost purple butterfly hair clip distracted by Walter.  i missed it at bingo, retrieved it after class.  he doesn't come to seniors he won't see her.  not my problem.  Bingo is great!  the win is the exercise and more energy.  my neck feels so much better.  

i much prefer a bright happy today.  someone left an entire meal at lunch.  SCORE.  i insisted Toki take the banana.  

library 85-90℉.  i went to smiley face icon insert special characters typed degree, chose Fahrenheit.  scary.  i tried to return/check out chrome Grandma insisted on renew.  maybe I'll ask Cody.  i had to return Egoscue books for 24 hours.  i requested holds.  no one else has been so whatever she is.  they always check in/out.  she's been here as long as me, still working the desk.  she went through punk, glam, Goth.  interesting evolution.

i considered banking today.  mail preview i may receive $25 check from Lucky's monopoly.  eh, may be denied.  i don't much care about outcomes at this age.  i feel calm and comfortable.  worth a fortune to me.  check arrived, bank tomorrow maybe.  

living for myself is intoxicating

100 degrees 4 pm.  i swam 8-9:30, filled shampoo bottles, lunched, finished puzzle and snacking oatmeal cookies.  

i considered part 2 swim i can wait.  i'm sleepy.  

my days start at 5-101 degree day

i brought in my max protein shakes from car trunk.  i'm so glad i don't have to compete in this dog eat dog world.  i don't think i'd like dog.

air is so bad.  i remembered to look for yard sale.  too hot yesterday, 70 now 8 am.  found yard sale after driving up and down Nobili.  don't know how i missed it.  2 houses from Machado.  just setting up.  i bought rubber maid egg cases $1 and maybe more later.  i went to gym to give them time to put things out.  80 already 9:30 on to cup library.  b king coupon 2 croissant bacon egg cheese and hash nuggets, large coffee.  

parked 9:48.  large drops from fluffy high white and dark clouds racing across the sky like Hawaii 40% humidity.  11 am weather site says 82 degrees while air now says 91 for cup, sunny, main.  library is surprisingly uncrowded.  maybe more home air conditioning.  global warming is creating manufacturing and service jobs.

Adult Survivors page 42 "light peeking through the clouds of despair" WOW!  IGOR!  page 43 "Moment of insight:  When you genuinely have a pure heart, no matter how big the hole in your heart may feel, you're sure to win in the end."  i was literally born with a congenital hole in my heart on dad's side and made to feel inferior.  mom labeled me retarded 'til kindergarten placement tested me as gifted.  my family were the retards.

6 pm finished entire book.  half an hour to closing.  95 degrees.

Nobili yard sale just putting away 7 pm.  2 white crocheted bed spreads and drafting brush.  she said i could have anything.  mini fridge too heavy.

movin' and groovin'

i went to Lucky's and picked up lemonade + tea and Equate shakes at Walmart.  hour and half in the tub.  Dave there.  9:30 shower and drive to St Justin to pick up lunch.  all the lunches mom never made me.  she gave Mitzi and Aileen money for lunch but i could starve.  so i ended up fending for myself very young.  i was basically homeless.  so i have great compassion, i know how it feels to be ostracized and despised.  

i keep expecting to be rescued.  i don't know why.  hope springs eternal i suppose.   

i'm walking memory lane.  i looked up Heaven Under the Moon- Cheryle Gail b&b in new Zealand.  She's a great example of turning stumbling blocks into stepping stones.  she gives me heart.  

the nerves in my legs are quivering.  i drank the free lemonade tea + caffeine.  

i was thinking of going to sunny but only open 'til 6.  not worth the drive for an hour and half.  tomorrow projected 96 degrees maybe cup library.  yard sale on Nobili close to Machado too hot to look maybe tomorrow.  

up since 5 today 10/4

Diana gave me 5 lbs frozen strawberries, chicken, fish sticks, squash.  i don't have to worry.  i can keep, give away or toss.  new me easing along.

i tried the chocolate coconut drink.  delicious.  not very coconut-y.

air is so bad i'm coughing.  started early.  i can hardly breathe.  my nose.  mucus is upsetting my stomach.  

Adult Survivors list of grievances is taking out the trash.  getting feelings out and acknowledging the garbage.  it's working.  

For dinner I cooked the 11 fish sticks and blueberry pie.  i love having what i want.  

bingo exercise

i love doing good things.  last night i picked up hot spot.  2 months without i'm ok.  i stopped at nob hill and clearance 2-36 oz ranch $1, 2-64 oz grapefruit juice $1.50, last 7 750 ml espresso dollar ea, 6 mac cheese 75 cents ea.  and additional discounts only $14.33+tax .44.

i tossed fruit to squirrels and crows.  i'm making room for my good.  or better.  this or something better.  

bingo size excellent.  Jane so rude.  motioned for me to open her water bottle after lecturing me about pollution.  no please or thank you.  

synchronicity:  the central puzzle is Harry Potter, i read a bookstore special edition, i'm reading Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members refers to Voldemort and speaking power.  

i loaded the nob hill espresso, juice and dressing into the garage.  home 6 pm.  parking precious.  

misplaced car key again 104 degree day

 i'm just not interested in owning things and being owned by them.

i called library after lunch will pick up immediately $100 computer chip car key.  

laser focused on bingo size

i kept waking.  i'm feeling excited and anticipating.  i planned my dress, then mail bill, banking and main.  my plan.

The lunch menu changed to fish from tamale pie.  Toki bought me 8 mini chicken corn dogs from Marukai.  she finds the most exotic foods.

i won Bingo twice as did others.  fun to win.  i felt so good i drove to P O mailed bill and on to Chase to withdraw.  i parked under Main 99 degrees outside versus 78.  i ate the corn dogs and lunch salad at 4.  life is good to have what you want when you want it.  

sunny called hot spot available tomorrow.  i kept checking online.  I've been without one since 8/1.  so 2 months=8 weeks and i'll have it for 3 weeks.

dinner 7 pm big salad tuna beans rice hot spicy Smart Bowls.  so spicy i added 2 cups of peaches to cool it down.