huh, lost post when chrome blipped- hot spot from central

I went to seniors 6:45 watched people waiting in 40 degree weather.  I got to yell at strange man parked next to me hit with door and rested his bag on my back windshield then suggested I wasn't ok asking me when I yelled at him he doesn't own everything.  

10:19 I went to St Justin still no lunch.  I had a protein shake.  I parked under Central puzzled, relaxed, computed 'til 3.  checked out Big Bang, Botswana and Fried Green Tomatoes.  I checked and hot spot request ready.  they didn't want to check it out.  weird.  insisted had never checked out hot spot and chrome book unless combo.  wrong.  

I started driving home and decided on Cup pick up.  Murphy's Romance, and Number 1 Ladies Detective Agency.  

most excellent

24 hour Internet too slow I went to nob hill talked to MeMe wished her happy Thanksgiving.  I've never eaten so much.  I was always criticized for eating too much or too little.  nothing I ever did was ok.  

I'm wearing new sweats for PJs and new dress.   the new me.

this year Thanksgiving is perfect.  3 pm 2 channels Hawaii 5 0.  

gym

I woke a bunch of times.  5 am I ATE TUNA salad and crackers b'fast.  I stayed in bed watching Barney Miller.  9 am I leisurely showered stretched at the gym.  walking back to the car the sole of my left sketcher came apart flapping I used a rubber band to secure it.  I considered going home to change, nah.  

I drove to homestead Safeway for chips, none.  I planned on Walmart but went instead to check college Safeway and bought my light BBQ and lemon lay's.  since I was there 11:30 I checked parking at St Clare's.  I parked in front and got in line 100 people.   they opened early.  food is always delicious and the dessert table was amazing.  Raymond and so many seniors from the center showed up.  as I was leaving at 1 pm Alex showed up.  he'd been in the hospital.  I got 1 to go dinner for me and one for Walter.   

I drove to First Presbyterian and Walter was there.  he didn't want the food.  we had a nice visit.  Gloria showed up at 2 and we left 2:14 just in time for People Puzzler.  I checked the give away table and found a new pair of black 6.5 Reebok tennis shoes, my Thanksgiving miracle.  and a new pair of black sweat pants and a 4 X peachy sundress.  Best Thanksgiving Ever.  

if it ain't improving I'm doing it wrong

I opined my life can continue to suit me better.  if it isn't I'm missing something.   

I'm free!!   I made it this far.  two days doing what I want.  no family arguments, criticisms, schedules.  I can breathe.  

best thanks ever

I'm looking forward to the best ever.  I puzzled and soaked, filled waters.  

I stayed alert and got a complete dinner.  last bingo class a new zipper bag and 2 3 pill band aid boxes.     

I parked DMV 7:29 am

sprinkling they opened the door for the 20 people standing outside.  an hour and half to take a photo, rt thumb print and vision well lighted charts.  she asked if I wore contacts.  Bates Method Vision Improvement.  I didn't have the first application number so I had to fill out a new one for the number.  then my payment record $45 was on the online one.  third line for photo and fourth line final check and receipt.  

whew!!  I saw Jin at 24 hour.  she already drinks protein shakes.

The seniors tub half hour I'm exhausted.  lunch cottage cheese salad I gave the diced cantaloupe to Toki and enjoyed the sweet honey dew.  I brought half home and added to Jin ramen with an egg.  delicious but mild is hot.  

oh, I'm so mellow

I feel stoned like a teen.  I'm amazed I'm so calm.  the holidays, license renewal, Mike's death and I seem ok as far as I can tell.  I don't know.

no St Just lunch today.  probably because of Thanks pick up 1-3 pm today and tomorrow.  I walked Sprouts 99 cent salad mix I can eat tuna salad and I bought 29 cent celery at Lucky's yesterday.  I didn't want whole or half clearance cherry pie.  too much.  

so after soaking and stretching at seniors I'm waiting at central library.  

I drove 1 pm to be part of life.  took 40 minutes sitting in my car like commute traffic I refused to do.  I'm a new me.  by 2 pm no line.  and I came back to the library.  another new behavior.  

SUN-stayed in bed babying myself.  I've figured out standing 10 feet from tv and doing intermittent exercise 1-3 minutes over time.  my cottage cheese legs are great for sitting cross legged.  no longer frozen flexible is healthy.  I haven't been able to sit comfortably for over 25 years from back damage taking care of parents.  

and I'm back

I picked up free large Jin cup of noodles at Lucky's I bought small bag low salt BBQ chips $5 and 29 cent celery.  drove through DMV practicing route.  I'm getting comfortable.  totally new me.  I had a wonderful relaxed shower, did my stretches.   i had ok lunch.  telling Florence and Donchey Valentine's collision I missed leftovers.  eh, I had already bought $5 coupon potato salad turkey bag lunch and $2 piece apple pie whipped cream.

I drove around DMV twice no parking.  home I emptied part of trunk for St Just Thanks Sat or Sun 1-3.  I'm watching my game shows and 2 episodes of HI 5 0 on channels 68 and 68.4.

taking care of business I called Citibank $31.03 late fee on $39.  I talked to Yanni the Mormon robot in Utah.  a little exorbitant I bless and release for exponential increase.  

I'm watching my game shows.  2 different episodes of old HI 5-0 on channels 68 and 68.4.  Heaven.  and I remembered to watch Happy's Place and Lopez vs. Lopez.

chrome no connection

old school desk top.  it's doing crazy things.  I can't handle it currently.  too much on my plate.

after lunch, bingo size I checked with library tech shut off to clear and it worked.  I lost my free sweepstakes entries.  

first space parking barely gets internet-POWER OUT 5:54 -6:35

I could get here early stretch b 4 swim.  I don't know.

lunch ok.  not good pressed turkey salty stew.  I corrected Korean woman bullying Jane not her mother let her eat in peace.  and Walter dumping his complaints just to hear himself like dad I'm not having it.  I told him he can't.  just can't.

no senior internet I left early.

power out 5:54 while i'm blogging so I have light and flashlight .  cold dark and nothing to do.  bed.  I could go to sunny library.  or 24 hour.  ooh, I could exercise.  

6:45 and 40 degrees.

we got menus.  handed out one at a time like something precious instead of paper.  I may take December off if I fail to renew license.  eh.  I'm feeling cantankerous. 

missing Mike

he chose how he died like my dad.  I want the least karma.  until talking to Dino I didn't realize how much it affected me.  I cried for Mike and dad and Eric.  

I finished the puzzle.  I tried the DMV page.  I'm feeling better about it.  I have 2 full weeks.  I haven't renewed since 2011.  I've been feeling I have to do everything alone not all one.  I was wrong.  I always have spiritual help.  

and today I found free new socks and dream catcher and cross key ring.  3 of my favorite things.  early presents.  

I considered going to DMV and Sunny Vale has sewing tonight not tomorrow.  too cold and my priorities tomorrow bingo exercise.  no hot lunch next Monday.  

I forgot sunny trick

 no internet all over.  find spot connection then good all over.

real time with God life is easy simple

I surrender my life.  we construct our lives by our choices.  

8 am i got dressed and let God lead me to fill up with gas.  quickly done i decided to drive to north Walmart and bought my 2 beets, shakes, extra brace.  $99.  then nob hill for salad, burritos and left pomegranates for Me Me.  like no time at all.  no effort.  done 9:30.

still, time to let my soul catch up.  I rested 'til 11:50 for sunny library.  45 movies for free $5 reading coupon.  chrome connection keeps saying no internet.  

lunch 1 pm

soaked in the tub at seniors.  updated chrome.  at 10 I considered my options.  I decided on lunch pick up (st just) then county library.  I remembered * 1 stopped there, closed Saturdays now.  

at library I parked first available spot and walked.  I returned 6 borrowed 7.  very mellow.  parking must be bad after noon.  

i decided to take Stephens creek boulevard to Walmart closed no power.  then *1.  finally successful deposit.  ate lunch main cafe at 1 pm.  browsed book sale.  nothing I wanted.  

i'm feeling a little sad leaving behind another part of the past.  who I used to be.  growing up.  

I checked the sunny book sale tomorrow at noon.  

occurred to me my neck damage is from '72 with more from '14.  necks are fragile.

a plastic tub of candied fruit fell off the shelf onto the floor.  I picked it up and put it back.  I didn't notice it was cracked until I brushed against the shelf and noticed the syrup on my clothes.  it leaked all over the shelf and dripped onto the floor.  by the time I noticed I'd tracked it all over the floor.  I soaked it up with paper and the ants can clean up the microscopic details.  I've become so relaxed.  

free $5.59 pasta

and I bought sale Mac nuts.  I ate oat meal added nuts.  leisurely 7:30 lucky's.  

THE NEW ME.  I'm practicing faith.   9:30 feeling sad it's time to exercise and change my chemistry.  I luxuriate by taking my time and appreciating the experience.  no matter how many miracles i doubt.  i turn my faith to God.

sloppy joe lunch was good.  Walter showed up feisty.  i remarked on his feeling in the moment improvement.  it may feel like hell but you have to feel it to heal it.  i explained the head brain is like a computer programmed to complete tasks.  every time he relives the past he resets his auto pilot to the past.  a new better life requires the disciple and focus he's used for his accomplishments.  if he releases the past his perfect future is assured.  he needs to figure out his new target not keep dredging up and recreating the past.  

i just realized i had two tormentors to his one.  

night off-daily word NEW DIRECTION

chrome shut down.  allowed restore after connection.  I felt jubilant.    

I kept waking with a stomach mass of anxiety labeled 'license renewal.'  I know it's baby fear and humiliation compartmentalized for survival.  I was taught to hate and torture myself.  loving myself is something new.  I was taught self sabotage.  I finally remembered to tell Walter.  he's finding his voice.  he chose to joke and verbally attack me about Patelco breach.  eh, his choice.  he said he confronted Amber.

'successful' people love themselves above all else.  Trump will do whatever it takes to achieve his goal.  he wanted to avoid prosecution again so he ran for president again.  just like last time.  he's consistent.  

I forgot bingo size and Dino asked if I was going.  whew!  I was all set to go home.  Jane is so insecure and annoying.  she got into a fight with Florence blowing up for no reason.  i'm forewarned.  

I watched the end of people puzzler and drove to sunny library 2 books then home for person, place, thing.  exercising more makes more energy.  

6:53 feeling it and healing it

feeling a warm dark sinister mass floating in my solar.  it's toddler dread. 

and my anxiety of buying water soft when how, renew license what when, clean gutters if I can, etc.  laundry, a plethora of chores.  it never ends.

I'm having a hard time trusting God.  I was never allowed.  the family thought themselves gods.  EPIPHANY:  explains so much.  dad molested Aileen who molested me.  she pimped me out for a date.  she was messed up.  the first time I've admitted to myself.  gives me shivers.  and did mom know?

BREAK TIME.  WHERE WAS GOD?  no wonder I have issues.

I'm ready for something good. 

6:55 seniors

after slippers and protein shake drop off to Jin.  I'm feeling frustrated, blocked.   I'm turning my stumbling blocks to stepping stones and so it is.  

I puzzled then soaked at 9.  10 I dressed to stretch and puzzled.  11 I put on back brace for lunch.  very relaxed.  Fred arrived Toki was late.  Diane sat with us.  after lunch I puzzled with Walter.  he seems to be doing better.  he still insists on Nexium for his stomach he refuses to try grapefruit juice.  I changed workout clothes for bingo exercise.  I won twice.  

i'm still feeling sad.  I watched people puzzler and remembered wheel.  I couldn't get it to open at lunch then forgot.  oh, well.  i'm mellow.

I considered sunny sewing but assessed cleaning gutters.  the weather is perfect after the rains.  my allergies are rampant.  

AUGH!! forgot to pay citibank- Jin Solis

I forgive me.  I remembered when I drove to 24.  I'm letting it go.

Augh! forgot my slippers.  Jin offered hers.  good excuse to trade details.  she lives duplex Stardust Court near Welsun.  she always brought in Eggland boiled eggs and fried banana treats.  she included everyone generously giving.  she crocheted me over a dozen pot scrubbers in rainbow colors.  

11 am pouring rain I decided to use nob hill covered parking and internet.  I wanted salad.  I almost overcharged myself again.  I wore my glasses today.  they fixed it.  it's so cold.  I haven't felt cold since 2003.  my back's been in a constant state of inflammation.  I must be normalizing.  my legs are terribly sore.  

another wave of deep sadness for my fur babies.  their unconditional love helped me heal.  I had to give up my cats to adoption.  my apartment neighbors loved my sweet cats.  I couldn't subject them to the abuse cruelty and neglect I experienced, they deserved better.  they deserved the unconditional love they were.  I chose to minister my parents.  

my back feels broken again-Valentine's lesson

I wasn't loving myself and the CBD let the past intrude.  I punished myself like the family taught me.

every move is excruciating again.  on the cross.  crucified.  I soaked out my aches and pains after an hour.  still agony getting in and out of the car and my tailbone again on fire.  

how ironic.  fire truck showed up 10 am.  I just finished loading my gym case and the annoying alarm went off.  4 firemen got out to check the building.  maybe 3 minute arrival time.  

I walked Sprouts clearance kids sack turkey sandwich for dinner.  St Just Charity makes me feel welcome.  so many act like we're criminals.  someone left breaded chick nuggets for my holiday dinner.  

sitting in the library cafe charging the chrome I watch the hero dads taking care of their kids.  my dad wanted to remain the baby.  

2 am - I woke hungry and ate my kids half turkey sandwich and BBQ chips.  so good to have what you want when you want it.  so unlike my sisters still denying me.

6 am - I woke with a lump of sad fear in my belly.  baby energy I cradled, hugged and soothed.

every addiction masks pain, mine to puzzles. Welsun

I'm avoiding pain.  concentrating on the puzzle.  like 2008 I found I could forget my pain by concentrating outside my body.  Valentines I wasn't loving myself and punished myself like the family taught me.  

I love watching people.  from a distance everything looks good.  it's up close they can get you.  

Welsun refused to keep puzzle pieces organized.  he loved saying sorry Suzy most contritely.  he made being around him as difficult as possible.  he liked suffering.  All Trumpers.  they love All suffering.  all forms.  

Florence gave me a pound of Costco salt & pepper pistachios.  

6:50 am watching a dozen standing 44 degrees

the herd bonds over suffering and complaining.  the trump voters choose to believe his lies.  they think he's funny.  they feel superior because Trump's been playing the clown.  the misogynistic immigrants, Latinos and Asians don't know the levels of prejudice.  I have 73 years of experience.  

I feel badly for the children.  the sins of their parents are leaving them completely vulnerable.  the ignorant clueless immigrants have it too easy.  they take these rights for granted.  they impose their backward arrogant thinking.  what they don't know hurts all of us.  they don't bother learning what it takes to live in a democracy.  they want a free ride.  they haven't studied what it takes to live in a democracy.  those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.  

i'm making my last days happy.  

All the money in the world won't save anyone.

Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg will burn with all of us.  they think they're preserving themselves.  they are prolonging their torture.  they ignore global warming.  there won't be a world to enjoy, clean water to drink or fresh air to breathe.  

I lament the children of the world.  well, they won't miss what they never had.  

People will start disappearing.  Trump has said the due process of law no longer exists in his world.  we won't even know.

Daily Word Divine Order i'm planning on spoiling myself.  more fun.  i'm living large.  I choose to continue creating my heaven.

Cooperation creates Heaven.  Contention creates Hell.

yesterday I left 6 chocolate donuts (Vote)

Today someone left a coconut creme pie.  yum.  I remembered bingo and library returns.  whether I go is up to me.  no late fees.  I want to check out nob hill.  i'm watching person, place, thing 4 pm.  I watched half of people puzzler at 2:45.  

i went to sunny library returned the book and checked out puzzles.  6 pm i decided to go to sprouts.  I could have sewn.  nothing I wanted not even cornbread.  

no wheel or jeopardy because of voting.  election results are depressing.  

after 2 and half hours today

DMV website 2 days.  Jahari after Dimitri and Cindy looked up Flora Vista closed for repairs 'til Nov 18.  I prefer local.  I can always use Hopper.  

my toddler belly woke with visions of the family humiliating and ridiculing my toddler self.  no love only scorn.  they bonded over their cruelty.  

my chronic depression was my survival.  I had to hide from the monsters.  and now I'm processing and releasing.  alchemy.  

cup library-DST

 I had to drive around the library twice for parking.  the good news I decided walking for my exercise I parked on the corner.  added.4 to my mileage.  I walked all over the library to see what all the traffic was about.  it was just parents and kids.  no special events just families.  

home at 3:30 when I left at 3:30.  I completely forgot daylight savings.  I picked up igor and Irish R M.  

I found the DMV letter from Sept.  Eh, I decided to go Tues.  I'll go all day.  

i remembered it's time to renew

soaking in the tub Daily Word, AARP, CDL.  11:13 eating God's lunch at library cafe.  i'm considering if I want Real ID license.  a lot of extra work for no return.  

and I just remembered wheel of fortune.  my brain works so much better fueled.  people ignore their bodies.  

I love watching kids.  they're miracles.

I started DMV application.  I have no idea what I did with the renewal letter.  

I'm just tired and have a sugar crash reaction.  

I want to cry and mom beat it out of me I can't.  "I'll give you something to cry about."  I need a hug and I have no one.  I'm grieving Mike Winn cancer and dying 10/18 bringing back Eric 2017 and dad 1999.  it's always with me.  my lunch group is filled with love.

i'm watching the end of Barney Miller the only series I've cared to watch wrap up.  I'm feeling lonely and it's a sad improvement of my childhood pain and sadness of humiliation and cruelty.  I never felt loved by my family.  

the only way to process pain is to feel it and let my chemistry use it, change it 'til there's only love.  

Best Halloween

I get to pick and choose what I want.  I keep what I want and give away the rest.  I'm so buzzed on sugar.  

I couldn't get online and I thought it was me.  Justin told me many complaining no free wi fi.  hooray! it wasn't me!  I goofed around since the cafeteria was late with medicare class.  I saw Toki coming out of class so I let her go first then I couldn't find her.  she was sitting with little Gloria.  so when Fred came in I waved him over instead of making him look all over.    I told Walter to give me extra chicken and he did.