WHOLE NEW DAY

THE BOOK DIDN'T TURN ITSELF OFF AND RAN DOWN.  I HAD TO RECHARGE AND RECONFIGURE MY SETTINGS. 

I'M FEELING HOPEFUL.  I THREW OUT A BUNCH OF STUFF.  99% LEFT TO GO.

I LOVE PG WODEHOUSE

THE CRAFTSMANSHIP IS SO EVIDENT.  I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF NOT TO GET CARRIED AWAY AND OBSESS.  I DO LOVE READING HIS STORIES.  I DON'T WANT TO OVERDO AND GIVE MYSELF A HEADACHE.  I DID THAT, DON'T NEED TO DO IT AGAIN. 

READING TOOK ME AWAY FROM MY HORRIBLE FAMILY.  DAD'S CANCER BROUGHT ME BACK.  MY LOYALTY SEEMS TO HAVE BETRAYED ME.  IS IT LOYALTY?  I COULDN'T BE ME WITHOUT IT WHATEVER IT IS.  THE LOVE I FEEL FOR MYSELF IS HALF DAD HALF MOM LIKE MY GENES. 

 

GROWING PAINS

NO MATTER HOW I TRY I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SOME MORNINGS MY BODY IS WRACKED WITH PAIN AND TODAY I'M PAIN FREE.  IT SEEMS TO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I DO OR EAT.

I ATE A LOT OF JUNK AND WASHED TWO LOADS I HUNG TO DRY, EXERCISED, WATCHED FUNNY DVD.  MAYBE WATCHING FUNNY SHOWS AND LAUGHING?  I DRANK TWO BEET JUICES?  I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE I DON'T DRINK ENOUGH TO FLUSH THE EXCESS SUGAR?  I DON'T KNOW.  AND NOW MY LEFT FOOT IS STARTING TO TWINGE.

MERRIEST

I'M SO RELAXED.  I MADE AND ATE MY OATMEAL.  I HAVE A FULL DAY ALL TO MYSELF.

AHH, THE PEACE AND QUIET, GOOD FOOD, DVDS; 2 CANTERVILLE GHOSTS, 80 DAYS AROUND THE WORLD.  TWO EPISODES JEOPARDY & WHEEL OF FORTUNE PRE-EMPTED FROM LAST NIGHTS FOOTBALL.  I'M HAPPY.  I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY WATCHING WHAT I WANT.  I DON'T HAVE TO HEAR ARGUMENTS, COMPLAINTS OR CRITICISMS.  BLISS.

LIFE IS GOOD.  I NAPPED TWO HOURS WATCHING DVDS.  I GUESS I NEEDED MORE REST. 

BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

MORE DREAMS

TOMORROW'S CHRISTMAS AND I'M EXCITED.  USED TO FEELING DREAD.

2-8 I DREAMED OF BEING VERY HIGH ABOVE A BEACH SITTING ON A BOULDER WITH TWO WOMEN NATIVE TO THE AMAZON LAND.  THEY HELPED ME TO SAFETY.

I'M GETTING CLEARER ON MY LIFE.  ALL MY OLD RELATIONSHIPS WERE SO WRONG FOR ME.  TODAY I WENT TO SENIORS AND SPENT TIME WITH PEOPLE WHO LIKE ME.  PEOPLE REALLY LIKE ME UNLIKE MY FAMILY.  THEY NEVER LIKED ME OR MAYBE THEMSELVES.  EACH OTHER.  DISLIKING ME UNITED THEM.

I GAVE THEM PRESENTS.  I LOVE GIVING. 

I SPENT THE DAY IN PEACE AND LOVE.  I HAD WHAT I WANTED WHEN I WANTED.  I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW WONDERFUL THIS DAY HAS BEEN.

I WATCHED TV.  LOOKING ONLINE I HAD TWO BOOKS OVERDUE $1.50 I PAID, AND RENEWED.  I CHECKED LUCKY REWARDS AFTER 7 PM AND DIDN'T GET 1000 POINTS FOR THE HOLIDAY HAM MEAL, EMAILED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.  WHETHER I GET THE POINTS OR NOT I'M PROUD OF MYSELF FOR TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS.

I'VE BEEN JOURNALING SINCE 1976.  I WAS THE LONELIEST WHEN I WAS MARRIED.  I WANTED SOMEONE, ANYTHING TO CONNECT WITH.  MY FAMILY WAS THE SAME AS MY EX.  AT THE TIME HE ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND FOR A LIST.  IT TOOK ME DAYS TO MAKE A LIST AND THEN HE DIDN'T GET ME ANYTHING I WANTED SAYING HE WANTED TO SURPRISE ME.  OH, I WAS SURPRISED.  THE NEXT YEAR HE ASKED AGAIN FOR A LIST AND I TOLD HIM NO, I MIGHT GET WHAT I WANTED IF I DIDN'T WRITE A LIST.  HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO HAVE ANYTHING I WANTED JUST LIKE MY FAMILY.

I WANT EVERYONE TO HAVE WHAT THEY WANT.  AS A CHILD I BELIEVED IF PEOPLE WERE HAPPY LIFE WOULD BE HAPPY.  I DIDN'T KNOW SOME PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS REQUIRED MAKING OTHER'S MISERABLE.

1976 I USED CONSCIOUS AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE FIRST TIME.  I'D USED SELF HYPNOSIS IN GRADE SCHOOL WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS.  I STUDIED AND BEFORE A TEST I'D TELL MYSELF THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT I WOULD REMEMBER EVERYTHING I STUDIED AND IT WORKED.  3.65 AVERAGE.

I'M READING DAMSEL IN DISTRESS BY P G WODEHOUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME ON GUTENBERG.ORG.  THE MOVIE STARRED FRED ASTAIRE BUT I'D NEVER READ IT BEFORE.  OUT OF PRINT.

MAYBE I CAN FIND W H BATES VISION IMPROVEMENT TOO.


                                                                                                             

dream fritz

I FELL ASLEEP 9:30 AND AWOKE TO THE DEATH OF FRITZ.  T AND MARTHA IN A BEAUTIFUL HOME OF COMFORT AND PEACE.  A COMPILATION OF CHARACTERS.  I'M MOURNING AND SAYING GOODBYE TO MY OLD LIFE.  MY REAL LIFE IS NOW.

MARTHA WAS A MEXICAN WILL KEPT ON THE SIDE FROM BEFORE I MET AND MARRIED WILL.  I DIDN'T FIND OUT UNTIL WE WERE IN COUNSELING AND SHE CALLED THE HOUSE THAT HE WAS CHEATING WITH HER TOO.  SO MANY WOMEN IN NEWARK 1982.  JUST LIKE TOMAS.  EXCEPT I KNEW WITH TOMAS FROM THE BEGINNING.

MY PARENTS WERE CHEATERS.  CHEATING THEMSELVES OF A GOOD LIFE.

I DESERVE LOVE OF MY OWN.

DREAM

THIS A.M. I AWOKE AT 6 FEELING VINDICATED.  I DREAMT I WAS IN THE LOCKER ROOM AND FOUND MY STOLEN JEWELRY AND CLOTHES REPORTED TO THE POLICE.  I CONFRONT SOPHIA LOREN TYPE AND AWAKE.

I JUST REALIZED HAPPY HANNAH AT SENIORS IS A PREDATOR WHO NOW HAS FIBROMYALGIA.  FROM VIET NAM SHE APPROACHED ME MONTHS AGO WITH A STORY OF TWO KIDS AND AN AMERICAN HUSBAND.  SHE CONSTANTLY COMPLIMENTED/GROOMING ME UNTIL SHE MET A MAN.  AND NOW SHE HAS FIBRO.

LIKE THE GILROY JEWELER WHO DIED OF A HEART ATTACK AFTER CHEATING ME ON A SIMPLE REPAIR.

WIDOW REVECCA ALWAYS NICE TO ME AT SENIORS WHEN I COULD BARELY STAND UP WHO 2 YEARS LATER MET AND MARRIED A RICH MAN, SOLD HER HOUSE AND MOVED TO ARIZONA.

WELSUN HAD CANCER.  DAD HAD 2 CANCERS.

WHEN I WAS BEDRIDDEN I WON A CADILLAC ESCALADE FROM SAVEMART.  DEALING WITH THE DETAILS WOULD HAVE KILLED ME SO I DECLINED.  I DIDN'T WANT A CADILLAC, GOOD THING IT WASN'T THE CAMRY.  THE PEOPLE ON THE PHONE THOUGHT I WAS NUTS BUT I WAS JUST TOO SICK.  I WAS BARELY ABLE TO DEAL WITH THE EVIL SISTERS' MACHINATIONS.

A DAY WELL SPENT

IT'S WONDERFUL.  AS IF FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'M HAPPY.  I WENT AND EXERCISED, DID MY REGULAR ROUTINE IN SUNNYVALE.  RETURNED HOME.  ATE LEFTOVERS AND LOOK FORWARD TO MY XMAS HAM DINNER TOMORROW. 

I MADE SOUP AND BROWN RICE.  I CLEANED BURDOCK, CELERY, DRANK BEET DRINK.  I DID MY CEREAL, VITAMIN PORTIONS FOR THE WEEK AND SEE THE MESSY HOUSE WITH FRESH EYES.  I CAN CLEAN NOW.  I'M NOT DEPRESSED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 29 YEARS.  ALMOST HALF MY LIFE.  THE FIRST HALF WAS DENIAL, THE SECOND DEPRESSION AND NOW I'M FREE. 

CLEOPATRA THE QUEEN OF DENIAL.  CASSANDRA THE EMPRESS OF DEPRESSION.  CASSANDRA WAS GRANTED FORESIGHT BY APOLLO BUT WAS CURSED BY DISBELIEF.  I SEE LIFE PATTERNS WHERE OTHERS CHOOSE TO LIVE IN DENIAL, LAMENTING AND COMPLAINING.  I'M OVER IT.

SLOWLY

TODAY WAS BOOKMOBILE DAY AND I RENEWED THE CHROME FOR TWO WEEKS BECAUSE OF THE XMAS HOLIDAY.  BEST XMAS EVER.

I DID MY CAMPBELL RUN, ZERO AT $TORE, PAID WALMART, AT MICHAEL'S 3 PURPLE BANDANAS $1.29 EACH AND BLUE VIOLET PENCIL $.77.

AS LONG AS I TAKE MY TIME I'LL BE FINE.  ALL MY ERRORS ARE FROM MOM IN MY HEAD HURRYING ME FOR NO REASON.  THEN I MISSTEP.

UGH

CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS OF STRESS; ARGUMENTS, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION.  I'VE GOTTEN A CROCHETED DRESS SCRUBBER FROM JEANIE, CHEAP JEWELRY FROM SUE AND HARRY, CARD &CANDY CANE HELEN. 

BUT, WAIT!  EMAIL I GOT AARP 4 LUGGAGE ORGANIZERS ON FRONT PORCH.  AND IT'S HERE!  TYGJ.

I FEEL REASSURED.  I'M DIFFERENT, LIFE IS DIFFERENT.  I CALLED ANTHEM ABOUT THE $9 AND I STILL HAVE QUESTIONS.  I'LL DEAL WITH IT.

I SURVIVE/THRIVE

I CONSIDERED GOING TO SENIORS LATE.  I LOVE NOT WORRYING ABOUT PARKING.

TODAY WAS THE FIRST OF THREE WEEKS NO SWIMMING.  KNOWING CHANGE IN SCHEDULE THROWS ME OFF I STILL LOCKED MY KEYS IN MY LOCKER.  LUCKILY IT WAS EARLY.  AS SOON AS I LOCKED IT I KNEW.  I WENT TO THE FRONT DESK AND THEY USED THE BOLT CUTTERS TO GET ME IN.  AND I HAD THE OTHER LOCK.  EH.  I BIKED HALF HOUR, STRETCHED 20 AND READ THE PAPER, DID THE PUZZLES AT LUNCH.  IT WAS LOVELY QUIET LOCKER ROOM WITH NATORIUM CLOSED.

I TRIED UV GLUE ON THE LOCK.  WE'LL SEE.  I KNOW WHERE SMOKES ARE, IN MY BAG.  I HAVEN'T FOUND ALMOND/CELERY/BURDOCK BUT I ATE AT HOME.  I STILL HAVE ANTHEM $9 ADDITION TO DO. 

I DODGED INGE WANTING TO USE MY CHARGER.  I DIDN'T HAVE IT WITH ME.  I DON'T THINK IT FITS.  SHE HAS A NEW PHONE.  MAURICE & RAYMOND JOINED US FOR LUNCH.  FULL TABLE WITH BRAT DREW.

I'M FEELING PRETTY GOOD.  I HAD ANOTHER LOCK AT HOME. 

XMAS

I'M HAVING FLASHBACKS.  SLEEPING 6 HOURS AWAKING DEPRESSED.  I'M BETTER THAN 6 MONTHS AGO.  I HAVE MORE TOOLS FOR HAPPINESS.

AS A CHILD I ALWAYS GOT ONE PRESENT FOR BIRTHDAY AND XMAS.  THE RULE WAS I NEVER GOT WHAT I WANTED.  I GOT UNDERWEAR FOR THE YEAR, PAJAMAS FOR NEW YEAR'S AND MAYBE SLIPPERS.  THEY GOT TOYS, I GOT HAND-ME-DOWNS.

GOD MY FATHER, MARY MY MOTHER HAS GIVEN ME SO MUCH.  THREE LEATHER COATS, STRANGERS WHO'VE LOOKED OUT FOR ME AS LONG AS IT DIDN'T COST THEM ANYTHING.  PEOPLE LIKE MR RHODES MY HIGH SCHOOL COUNSELOR WHO APPLIED TO COLLEGES FOR ME WHEN MY PARENTS DID NOTHING FOR ME AGAIN.

I DON'T KNOW IF THEIR DISRESPECT WAS PURPOSED WHEN THEY DID ALL THAT FOR THEIR NIECES.  IT MUST HAVE BEEN.  VINDICTIVE WAS HIS MIDDLE NAME

1:30 PM-I GOT TO G2 FEELING DISORIENTED.  I SHOWERED, EXERCISED, DID MY ROUTINE.  TODAY IS COLD AND OVERCAST.  JUST THE WAY I FEEL.

THE POWER OF DENIAL.  MY LIFE WOULD BE TOO DEPRESSING W/O IT.  I'M JUST FEELING TIRED AND SAD. 

MY TINNITUS IS LIKE A HIVE OF BEES.  I THINK IT'S A WARNING SYSTEM, AN ALARM, A BS METER. 

HAPPY CHILD

EVERYTHING IN LIFE DEVELOPS FROM THE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE.  IF THE CHILDHOOD IS HAPPY THE ADULT LIFE IS HAPPY.  EVERY ONE HAS PROBLEMS.  HOW ONE SOLVES LIFE'S PROBLEMS, THE APPROACH AND SOLUTION IS DEPENDENT ON THE ATTITUDE.  AN UNHAPPY CHILD POUTS AND REBELS.  LOOKS TO BLAME AND DEFLECT.  MAY NEVER GET TO SOLVING BEING IMMERSED IN DRAMA.  A HAPPY CHILD WORKS ON SOLUTIONS.

AN UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD CAN BE REDONE.  I'M LIVING PROOF.  I'M MAKING MY OWN HAPPY CHILDHOOD.  AND MY LIFE CONTINUES TO IMPROVE. 

ACTUALLY I'M THE BEST ONE TO MAKE MY HAPPY CHILDHOOD.  EVERYONE IS THE BEST HAPPY CHILDHOOD MAKER OF THEIR OWN LIFE.

GOD'S CHILD

LIFE IS UNLIMITED.

MONDAY INGE GAVE ME $1 SCARF, $1 CANDLE FOR BEING BORN. 

WEDNESDAY'S CHILD

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS WAS NAMED FOR WOE.  WHOA!
I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS THURSDAY'S CHILD FAR TO GO.  I CAN PICK A NEW DAY.

I'M CONTINUING AFFIRMATIONS AND CELERY, BEET JUICE, BURDOCK ROOT CLEANSE.  I HAVE WAY MORE ENERGY.  I DID MY REGULAR SUNDAY ROUTINE ON 5 HOURS SLEEP AND FEEL GREAT.  I'M COOKING PORK RIBS/ONION.  I'M EATING THE CANNED SOUPS WITH ADDED VEGS AND FLAVOR.  I'M FEELING CAPABLE AND SUCCESSFUL.

STILL LEARNING

I'M OK.  MY STRESS IS PHYSICAL MEMORY.  BODY MEMORY.  I HAVE A LIFE TIME OF STRESS EXPERIENCE.  STRESSPERIENCE.

PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE SMART.  THEY'RE THE SMARTEST IN THEIR OWN EYES, DITTO FOR BEING GOOD PEOPLE.  WHATEVER THEY DO THEY CAN RATIONALIZE.  I'M SURE EVEN NAZIS THOUGHT THEY WERE GOOD PEOPLE.  OR THEY COULDN'T HAVE LIVED WITH THEMSELVES.

I'M LIVING MORE CAREFULLY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.  I'M STRESSING.  I CAN FEEL THE EVIL STEPSISTERS THINKING AT ME, WAITING FOR ME TO DIE.  I GOT HOME AND NOTICED THE FRONT DOOR HAD BEEN MESSED WITH AND THE REMOTE WAS MISSING, KNOWING HOW THEY THINK I FOUND IT BURIED IN THE CUSHIONS.  I ALWAYS SET IT ASIDE. 

 

I'M HAPPIER

I'M PLANNING THE ORGANIZATION IN MY CAR.  I FOUND XMAS GIFTS AT $V MICROWAVE BROWNIE PANS, EMERGENCY SQUEEZE FLASHLIGHTS.

I ATE ONE SMALL PIECE BURDOCK ROOT, CELERY AND BEET DRINK.  MODERATION IS HARD TO REMEMBER. 

I'M FEELING BETTER DESPITE MY FEET HURTING AND CRAMPING LEGS.  THE NERVES ARE HEALING AND TELLING ME.

TOO GOOD

RELEASING FEAR MEANS FEELING IT AND LETTING IT GO. 

I'VE LIVED MY LIFE FOR OTHER PEOPLE AND I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE LIVING FOR MYSELF.  I'M LEARNING.  I'M BECOMING BETTER AND BETTER EVERY DAY.

BETWEEN BEET JUICE, CELERY AND BURDOCK I'M HEALTHIER AND STRONGER.