EASY

10-5:30 AND I FEEL GOOD.

WHILE RESEARCHING BORA BORA IT OCCURRED TO ME WHAT IF AMERICA WAS THE GARDEN OF EDEN AND THE ATLANTEAN EXPLOSION STARTED THE CONTINENTS TO DRIFTING.  POTATOES AND SWEET POTATOES ORIGINS THE AMERICAS.

STILL GOOD SOLDIER

ONE FOOT AFTER THE OTHER.  I'M SO TIRED.  I'M SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT TAKING TIME FOR MYSELF.  PLANNING MY DAY.   PLANNING PAYING TARGET.  PLANNING MY BILLS.  I'M ALWAYS SCHEDULING MY LIFE.  IT'S GOOD TO TAKE A BREAK AND DO NOTHING.

AUGH!  I SAT NEXT TO ELSIE IN LIBRARY.  I WENT TO ST J TO SEE AND DO.  I'M GOING TO MISS THEM.  MISS MARTHA WANTS ANOTHER JOB.  WE TALKED JOANN FABRIC I TOLD HER THE BACK WAY HOMESTEAD TO TASMAN TO SCB.  SHE'S THINKING ABOUT IT.

HAWAII

I HAD CHILDHOOD DREAM OF HIDING AND HOPELESSNESS.  I CLIMBED ON TOP OF CABINET IN CLOSET TO GET AWAY FROM WILD ANTLERED DEER.

MY CHILDHOOD WAS CONSTANT UNREMITTING TERROR.  I SHUT DOWN ALL FEELING AND STORED IT IN MY SHOULDERS.  NOW MY BODY IS RELAXING RELEASING.

1999

20TH DEATH-A-VERSARY.  AND I'M BETTER.

47 years

AH, I WAS A CHILD.  I'M SO MUCH BETTER TODAY.  I WAS SO UNHAPPY WITHOUT EVER HAVING EXPERIENCED HAPPINESS.  I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS UNHAPPY.  I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS MORE TO LIFE. 

HAPPY UN-I-VERSARY TO ME.

91 o. AND I'M HAPPY.

MORE FUN

I'M WATCHING THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST.  THAT AND GOLDEN CHILD I WILL ALWAYS WATCH. 

I FORGOT

AGAIN.  I TOOK DOWN AND FOLDED THE LAUNDRY SANS BACK BRACE.  I'M SO MUCH STRONGER NOW I DIDN'T GET SICK JUST NIGHTMARES, INSOMNIA AND PAIN.  I STRETCHED IT ALL OUT.

I'VE COME A LONG WAY.  I COULDN'T TAKE THE HEAT AND SUFFERED GOING TO THE AIR CONDITIONED MALLS UNTIL EXHAUSTED, TO THE CAR TO REST AND THEN BACK TO AIR CONDITIONING.  MY BACK AND BODY WAS CONSTANTLY INFLAMED ON FIRE.  THEN I WENT TO THE LIBRARY TAKING FOOD SINCE I HAD LIMITED ENERGY TO GO OUT.  I WAS ALWAYS EXHAUSTED.  I WOKE UP TIRED AND MISERABLE.  MY ENERGY WENT DOWN FROM THERE.

TAKING CARE OF THE FAMILY ALMOST LITERALLY WORE ME OUT, KILLED  ME.  MY MOM'S THREATS ALMOST CAME TRUE.  I CAN'T REMEMBER A TIME SHE WASN'T THREATENING TO KILL US.  SOMETIMES I WISHED SHE WOULD GET IT OVER WITH SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO HEAR IT.  TALK ABOUT WORDS HURTING.

6 PM.  HAPPY CHILD.  I HAD 2 LITTLE BACON CHEESE BURGERS AND HALF THE FRIES WHILE WATCHING AN EXCITING CLOSER.  FOR LUNCH I ATE A BREAKFAST BURRITO JR AND A BAG OF BBQ KETTLE CHIPS A SMALL COKE.  LOVELY DAY.  I PARKED MY CAR IN THE SHADE AND RESTED ALL DAY.  BEA AND JUSTIN AND JOHN AT ST JUSTIN RESPECT ME. 

ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD.

I'M better

I DID THE LAUNDRY.  DROVE TO MISSION.3 MILES AND ASKED TO EXTEND OCEANS 8 ONE DAY OVERDUE.  MOUSY CHECKED IT IN AND OUT TO ME.  LAST TIME WITH CHROME SHE REFUSED.  IT'S BECAUSE I KNOW JUSTIN, BEA, AND ASHWARI. 

AND I TOOK MY TIME RESTING AT MISSION WATCHING TEEN SPIRIT, ANNOYING FAT BOY TRYING TO MUSCLE MY SPACE, I CALLED HIM ON IT TOLD HIM TO USE HIS OWN SPACE.  I LEFT AT 5 WELL RESTED, HUNG MY CLOTHES, ATE LUNCH LEFTOVERS.  I FEEL PRETTY GOOD TODAY.

tired and cranky

THE BEAUTY OF GROWING OLDER IS IT'S EXPECTED.  GRUMPY OLD PEOPLE.  OPTIMISM IS SUPPOSEDLY FOR THE YOUNG.

IT WORKED OUT BEAUTIFULLY THAT THE MORNING I TOOK THE RECYCLE EMPTYING MY TRUNK I FOUND A FREE WALKER WITH BRAKES. 

AND TODAY I'M SITTING AMID THE MASS RECHARGING CHROME, PHONE AND MY SPIRIT.  I'M PARTICIPATING.  I'M SUCH A GREAT GIRL.  IF I GET MY DARK GLASSES I CAN TAKE A NAP. 

KELLY TOLD ME A SAD STORY OF 4TH GRADE FRIENDS OSTRACIZING HER ON FACEBOOK BECAUSE THE LEADER OF THE PACK BULLIES THE OTHERS.  WHAT SHE NEEDS THEM FOR I HAVEN'T A CLUE UNLESS THEY'RE AFRAID OF BEING ALONE. 

WHY PEOPLE PREFER TO BE JACKASSES OR JENNY ASSES I DON'T KNOW.  I DOUBT IT PAYS MORE.

THE SHAPES WE PRETZEL OURSELVES INTO TO BE LOVED. 

waiting

I HAD MOM'S DREAM OF HER BOTTOM TEETH ROTTING.  SHE HAD HER TEETH PULLED IN HER TWENTIES.  SHE WAS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A MAN TO TAKE CARE OF HER.  I STOOD UP FOR HER TIME AND TIME AGAIN.  AGAINST DAD AND PAT MADDEN'S SON WHEN HE CAME TO THE HOUSE TO BLAME HER FOR ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES WHEN HE TOOK HIS MOM'S HOUSE AND DOOMED HER TO A CONVALESCENT HOSPITAL.  HE BROKE HIS MOM'S HEART WITH HIS LIES AND GREED.  DOOMED HIMSELF WHEN HE PUT HIS DAUGHTER IN THE HOUSE.  OH, WELL.

I'M SITTING I SENIOR PARKING #1 SPOT.  I DIDN'T WEAR BRA AND JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE THE ONE I TOOK OFF IN MY GYM CASE.

I'M WAITING FOR MY HEAVEN TO BE CONSTRUCTED SO I CAN MOVE IN.

WHAT TO DO

I WAS VACILLATING TRYING TO DECIDE.  I HAD CHROME WAITING AT MISSION AND 2 MORE DAYS ON MAIN CHROME BUT TWO HOLDS.  I DECIDED TO TURN IN MAIN AND PICK UP MISSION CHROME.  AND I WANTED TO PAY WALMART DUE TOMORROW AND CAMPBELL WAS 1 DAY OVER DUE.  I DID IT.  SO TOMORROW I HAVE DISCOVER AND PGE AND I'M FREE FOR ANOTHER 2 WEEKS.  I CAN PAY TARGET SATURDAY OR WHEN EVER.  I FEEL GOOD AND ACCOMPLISHED.

THE MISSION CHROME IS NEWER AND FASTER.  JUSTIN REMINDED ME.  HE'S SO ATTRACTIVE.  AND SUCH A SUPPORTIVE PERSON.   MAYBE THAT'S WHAT I FIND SO ATTRACTIVE.

TIME FOR DESSERT.  MAYBE THAT'S ONE REASON OLD PEOPLE ARE FAT.  MAKING UP FOR A LIFETIME OF NOT HAVING DESSERT.

FEAR KILLS

THE FAMILY TRADITION OF FEAR WOKE ME AT 3.  PEOPLE DIE OF FEAR=DIS EASE OR THE LACK OF PEACE.  OUR BODIES ARE PROGRAMMED TO WEAR OUT TO MAKE ROOM FOR NEW PEOPLE, EXPERIENCES.  I WANT A GOOD TRANSITION.

WATCHING THE GOOD PLACE MAKES ME WONDER IF HELL IS HERE AND WHAT MAKES IT HEAVEN IS HELPING EACH OTHER.

THERE'S A PARABLE OF HELL BEING A BANQUET WITH PEOPLES HANDS CHAINED TO THE TABLE AND UTENSILS TOO LONG TO FEED ONESELF FROM SERVING DISHES FULL OF THE MOST DELICIOUS FOOD AND THEY'RE STARVING.  WHILE HEAVEN IS ANOTHER IDENTICAL SETTING EXCEPT THEY LEARNED TO FEED EACH OTHER AND THEREBY ENJOY ALL HEAVEN'S BOUNTY.

I HAVE TO FOCUS ONLY ON ME AND WHAT I WANT.  I WANT A BETTER WORLD FOR ALL.  WHEN REAL HAPPINESS EXISTS CONFLICT WILL DISAPPEAR INTO BLISS.

FEAR

I GREW UP IN A SEA OF FEAR.  I GAVE UP ON HAPPINESS.  I COULD SEE IT SOMETIMES AND FELT IT A FEW TIMES.  I LIVED IT YESTERDAY.

I WENT TO G2, SAFEWAY, $UNNYVALE, MARIA, LUCKY'S.  ST J I FOUND PINK STERLING BRACELET THAT MATCHES MY EARRINGS AND ROSE BUDS, FOLDER, BROKEN JEWELRY BAG AND BIAS TAPE. 

FEELING HAPPY FILLS ME WITH FEAR.  IT'S STILL NEW.

mystery

I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW THIS BLOG WORKS.

I DREAMED OF MY DOG FELIX.  MY PETS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE FOR ME.  THEIR REFLECTION HAS BEEN WISE AND LOVING.  MAYBE PEOPLE FOR THE MOST PART AREN'T.  I TOSSED AND TURNED UPSET STOMACH.

I SIPPED GRAPEFRUIT NOT KNOWING IF I WAS GOING OUT AND HERE I AM MISSION LIBRARY WATCHING A LORD OF A RING ADAPTED BY SAMUEL PEACHES PERIPATETIC PLAYERS OUTSIDE IN THE PARK. 

SO FUNNY.

PLAYING

IT'S BEEN SAID IF YOU FIND SOMETHING YOU LOVE DOING AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET PAID FOR IT YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORK A DAY OF YOUR LIFE.  I KNOW HOW TO WORK.  I'VE DONE IT 60+ YEARS.  NOW HOW TO PLAY.

I HAVE TONS OF DVD S.  THE SPELL CHECK IS SO IFFY.  I'M CONSTANTLY AMAZED SOMETIMES AMUSED.

I REMEMBERED MY EXTENSION CORD TO WATCH DVD ON PLAYER.

HOW TO GET PAID TO WATCH MOVIES.

UNLIMITED

FEELING AND WANTING AND BEING.  I'M SIPPING GRAPEFRUIT WATER.  I CAN FEEL MY BACK AND STOMACH.  I DID A LITTLE TOO MUCH EXERCISE THIS MORNING.  OH, WELL. 

LUNCH WAS SO BAD I THREW HALF AWAY.  WE HAVE CHOICE OF BANANA OR CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE MY CHOICE OF DESSERT.  STOMACH ACHE.

THE EMPLOYEES HERE CONSIDER THE SENIOR CENTER THEIR PRIVATE CLUB.  I WONDER IF THE MAYOR IS IN ON IT.  IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE NOT.  IT EXPLAINS SO MUCH THEIR BEHAVIOR REWARDING THE SELFISH AND STUPID AND NOT FIXING THE SHOWERS, THE AIR CONDITIONING, ETC.   SENIORS CAN'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE OR WE MAY COME TO BELIEVE THE SENIOR CENTER IS FOR THE SENIORS.  THAT'S WHY THEY TALK AROUND FIXING THINGS.  ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT CHANGE AND KEEPING EVERYTHING THE SAME.

I'M FEELING SICK AND MY BACK IS BAD.  I'M RESTING ON THE COUCH UPSTAIRS WITH MY FEET UP THINKING ABOUT MY LIFE AND HOW I GOT HERE.  I'M SIPPING MY GRAPEFRUIT DRINK.  I STILL HAVE TO GO TO MISSION LIBRARY TO RETURN CHROMEBOOK. 

BY 4:30 I'M FEELING BETTER.  I WENT TO MISSION AND JUSTIN LOOKED ONLINE FOR ME FOR CHROME AND TOOTH FAIRY.  I WENT DIRECTLY AND GOT BOTH.  I FOUND A SHINY NEW QUARTER IN UPSTAIRS COPY ROOM.  TWO ROLLS TP.  SCORE. 

THE TRICK IS NOT TO GET OVER CONFIDENT.

OUT IN THE PARKING LOT.

I LOVE WATCHING PEOPLE DRIVE IN.  I LOVE WATCHING PEOPLE.  I LOVE PEOPLE.

I WAS GOING TO BID ON AARP GIFT CARD AT NOON AND FORGOT.  I WAS DISTRACTED BY A DOZEN BURNT ALMOND CUPCAKES.  NEXT TABLE BROUGHT MEGA DOZENS.  EH, TOMORROW IS $5 TARGET CARD.  TODAY'S CVS.  AND TOMORROW IS BOOK MOBILE.  SO TODAY I'M HANGING OUT FROM THE EXTREME HEAT.  I HAVE LOT'S OF FISH AND RICE TOO. 

I READ THE PAPER AND DID THE PUZZLES. 

NO PAIN

I JUST NOTICED THIS MORNING I HAVE NO PAIN IN MY BACK.  I'VE HAD TWO STOMACH SHARP TWINGES I HAD GRAPEFRUIT JUICE IT WENT AWAY.

I'VE BEEN W/O L. HAY CD SINCE I HAD TO TURN IT IN.  I'M WAITING PATIENTLY.  I CREATED A LINK TO YOU TUBE.  I LISTENED LAST NIGHT.  I'M DOING BETTER OVER ALL.

CD AVAILABLE I DROVE TO CAMPBELL.  ALL IS WELL.

REPAVING ON MY STREET IS 7:30 am-5 pm.  13-16.

ME

YESTERDAY WAS WONDERFUL.  TODAY I WOKE FEELING LONELY.  PROBABLY 'CAUSE I WAS TIRED.  I COUGHED FOR HOURS WITH THE JUNK IN THE AIR.  I WAS AFRAID I WAS GETTING SICK.  I FELL ASLEEP AND DECIDED TO FILL CAR/GAS.  EXERCISED.  OLD ASIAN WOMAN I NOTICED STARING AT ME IN POOL MAKING FUN OF ANOTHER WOMAN'S HOLE IN SWIMSUIT TALKED TO ME IN LOCKER ROOM.  I ASKED HER IMPORTANCE OF HER BANAL QUESTION.  THEN AS SHE COMBS HER HAIR AND THROWS ON FLOOR I ASK HER IF SHE THROWS TRASH ON HER HOME FLOOR.  SHE TRIES TO DISSEMBLE WITH WHAT TRASH.  I SAY HER HAIR FROM HER COMB.  I TELL HER IT'S DISRESPECTFUL TO OTHERS USING COMMON SPACE.  WHITE WOMAN BEHIND HER GIVES ME THUMBS UP.  COWARD.

I DID MY SHOPPING FINISHED LETTUCE SALAD WITH SEAFOOD.  I MISPLACED MY CARDS.  I KNEW I HAD THEM FROM YESTERDAY.  I DIDN'T PANIC.  IT'S BEEN A LONG 20 YEARS TIME NOT TO REACT LIKE THE FAMILY.  I WANTED CASH FOR ST J.  MAYBE TOMORROW.

I THINK I NEVER FELT LONELY DOING WHAT I THOUGHT WAS MINE TO DO.  I WAS FOCUSED ON THE TASK NOT MYSELF.

PROBABLY WHY PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS IN OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS.  THEY FEEL LITTLE AND USELESS.  CRITICIZING OTHERS MAKES THEM FEEL BIGGER.  THEY'RE STILL TINY.  I'VE BEEN THINKING OF TOM NEVER CARING FOR ME.  TOO BUSY WITH ALL THE OTHER WOMEN IN HIS LIFE.

I'VE NEVER HAD ANYONE.  HOW CAN I MISS WHAT I'VE NEVER HAD.

WHAT I WANT

SINCE I WAS 8 I REALIZED I WAS A SERVANT.  I THOUGHT I WAS CINDERELLA COOKING CLEANING BEING ABUSED.  CINDERELLA A TALE OF ABUSE.  EVEN THE TITLE.  CINDERS=DIRTY.

CREATIVITY COMES FROM THE CHILD.  SO MUCH IN THE WORLD IS CRUEL BECAUSE KIDS DON'T KNOW.  KIDS HAVE TO BE TAUGHT TO BE HUMANE HUMANS.

SHAZAM  JIM NABORS HAD A HARD TIME NEVER OVER CAME GOMER PYLE.  HOW DO I OVER COME CINDERELLA?

SO TODAY I $ANTA CHIPS, EXERCISED, TWO/1 BK WHOPPERS LUNCH DINNER, MISS LIBRARY COOL.  CHARGED CHROME, ATE IN COMMUNITY ROOM READING MERCURY/NEWS, WATCHED MOVIES ON COMPUTER.  I HAVE PLAYER TOO JUST IN CASE.  I'M TIRED READY FOR HOME.

KIDS SEEM MEAN

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS MEAN OR KIND AND LEARN FROM OTHERS.  I SUPPOSE SOME ARE MEAN WITHOUT INTENDING TO BE MEAN.  REMINDS ME OF STATISTICS.  MEAN MODE AVERAGE.

I SUPPOSE I'M AN ANTHROPOLOGIST T HEART.  I ENJOY OBSERVING PEOPLE.  HAD MY CHILDHOOD BEEN OTHERWISE I'D HAVE CHECKED IT OUT.  I STILL CAN.

me so happy

I'M WATCHING CAPTAIN MARVEL-GIRL ONE SUMI GAVE ME SNACK I'M IN HEAVEN.

I'M USING THE PLAYER WALTER GAVE ME.  IT HAS A LITHIUM BATTERY BUT IT'S VERY OLD.  THERE'S A CAR ADAPTER AND WALL PLUG.  HOORAY WALTER!!

ONE DAY AT A TIME

I'M EXPERIENCING NEW ABUSE FLASHBACKS.  NO WONDER MY LIFE HAS BEEN DIFFICULT.  LIKE TRYING TO DRIVE IN A FOG.  I'VE BEEN OUT OF TOUCH WITH MYSELF.  LIVING MY LIFE WRAPPED UP IN A SELF PROTECTIVE SHELL I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD.

MOM HATED ME BECAUSE BABAN LOVED ME.  MOM WAS JEALOUS OF EVERYONE.  I DON'T KNOW WHY DAD RESENTED ME. 

HIGHWAY RUN

I'M FOREVER YOURS FAITHFULLY.  I WATCHED BEAT SHAZAM LAST NIGHT AND THAT'S AN EAR WORM.  I'LL HAVE TO LOOK AT THE LYRICS.

HALLELUJAH!

I'M FEELING BETTER AFTER EXERCISING.  I PUT RECYCLE AND GARBAGE BINS OUT.  I'M STILL FEELING A LITTLE SAD ST J IS CLOSING.  I'M GOING TO WATCH H TRAIL.  MARTIN LANDAU AS A MUTE INDIAN IS HILARIOUS.

I HAD DREAM MOM WAS STILL FOLLOWING DAD CROSSING MULTI LANE ONE WAY STREETS.  HE OFFERS TO BUY ME DINNER AT J IN BOX.  I THINK BECAUSE I FOUND AND AM WEARING THE GOLD OVER STERLING AQUAMARINE BRACELET.  THEY DISSED ME 1989 FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND GOD HAS BALANCED THE ACCOUNT.

AT 3:30 I DECIDED TO GO TO CAMPBELL.  I HAD 2 DVD TO PICK UP.  THEY COULDN'T FIND MAN WHO KNEW TOO LITTLE.  THEY'LL GET ME ONE FROM ANOTHER BRANCH. 

FORLORN

A FEELING I'M VERY FAMILIAR WITH.  THE FAMILY. 

THE FIRST OF THE MONTH BLUES.  MAYBE THE EFFECT OF THE MOON.  GRAVITY.  I DON'T KNOW.

HELLBOY

DOING THE RIGHT THING.  FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN IT'S RIGHT.

EVERY SOUL IN THE UNIVERSE DESERVES LOVE PEACE HAPPINESS.

I EXERCISED, WENT ST J, RETURNED DVD PICKED UP HOLDS.  I DECIDED ON JACK IN BOX.  NO BURGER SPECIAL AVAILABLE SO 2 TACOS VALUE CHICKEN SANDWICH.  YUM.

VERY HAPPY CHILD

I AM TIRED.

DRIVING TO WORK I CONSIDERED TAKING TOMORROW OFF.  WE'LL SEE.  RAYMOND BROUGHT STRAWBERRY BOSTON CREAM CAKE.  I HAVE STALE CHOCOLATE CINNAMON DONUT FROM KEMO AND NEXT TABLE GAVE ME BOX OF MINI CUPCAKE.  I HAVE DESSERT COVERED. 

ST J'S I ATE TWO MINI CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES.  THEY'RE CLOSING SEPT 30TH.  I'LL BE SAD AND HAPPY AT MY NEW LIFE.

FEELING WHAT

CONTENT.  OR MAYBE TIRED.  I WATCHED DVD WHAT MEN WANT UNTIL 12:30.  WOKE AT 5.  AND I FEEL OK.  I MAY DO BANKING OR NOT.

I WATCHED ALITA BASED ON NIPPON MANGA.  I FEEL A LITTLE INSULTED PRODUCER TALKED ABOUT IT LIKE JAPANESE NOT FULLY HUMAN.  HE WAS SURPRISED AT THE UNIVERSALITY OF EMOTIONS LIKE WE DON'T HAVE HUMAN FEELINGS.

I MUCH PREFER FOOLS AND HORSES.