feeling restless.

just feeling.  trying not to think.  making soup and ramen remind me of being bedridden and i couldn't digest much without killer cramps.  i'm so much better. 

tomorrow maybe bank definitely walmart gum.  i'll do bank thursday. 

i started clearing coat closet door.  did too much.  oh, well.

doing my best

i'm feeling exhausted.  everything is raw exposed.  my nerves and flesh.  i must be getting to healing cells.  i've been doing what my body wants to do.  resting, dancing, wiggling, stretching.  still so sore.  a lifetime of pain.  guess that killed the 'crosby boys'.  they didn't go with a number like the 'jackson 5'.  they called themselves boys. 

it's amazing how much success is motivated by abuse.  running away and towards.  reminds me of lemmings.  one theory is their pushing into the sea is a form of population control to ensure resource viability.  enough food for the existing population.

watching jamie oliver 15 minute meals.  resting restoring.  keeping my brain stimulated and away from the seeming futility of life.  i don't know. 

9;52 senior lunch pick up #5 car.  only took 8 minutes.  i put out garbage bin.  i'm ready for autumn to be here.  summer's over rated.  people only like it because of vacation.  i brought raw carrots for car snack.  i keep on not knowing why.  i think joseph conrad traveled and wrote for the same reason.  i've read his diary.  constantly exploring the human condition.  he traveled to different peoples collecting stories.  i can read.  i prefer not physically traveling. 

on suicide

see kathryn and bing crosby's twin sons denied being abused yet killed themselves 5 years apart.  both gun shot.  the eldest son of dixie lee died an alcoholic, gary was the only honest son.  maybe the lack of love and kindness.  alcohol makes life barely tolerable no substitute for love. 

i read it yesterday and it hit me this morning.

maybe that's my calling.  i'm feeling helpless, hopeless.  is that what drives suicide?  i'm thinking about the cruelty of the universe.  what's the point? 

i can only live one moment at a time.  god's not done with me that's all i know for sure.

nothing changes

i dreamed of tom.

i never relied on tom to handle the wasps in the kitchen vent or  the garage sink leaking because i would be setting us up for failure.  the times i called him and he wasn't available.  i knew he was cheating from the first.  and how many times he lied.  just wasn't worth the effort.  i can only surmise he learned it from his parents to lie and cheat.

what i learned from my parents; you're only lying to yourself and cheating yourself out of a good life.

nobody thinks lying is clever but the liar.  liars lie to themselves first thinking they can get away with it and second that anything is gained.  only liars believe liars. 

chewing gum reminds me of chewing paraffin wax.  when i was 8 i started chewing canning sealing wax.  they didn't allow me any of the gum they hid under their bed.  since i did the housecleaning i knew it was a strange place to hide it.

no free water

last night i didn't feel like venturing out after 8 so i washed my hair.  cut my nails all sore and stiff.  probably why i slept pretty good.  all stretched out.

i'm playing w/my blogs.

i'm testing what they can do.  i went to homestead safeway $5 friday sushi free smart water.  must be how i got some before.  i just love free.  it wasn't made at 9;16 so i found good clearance.  only one check stand open half hour too late to check sushi and stand in line again.  i can go after pickup or tonight.

the lettuce i got yesterday at wilcox i can clean and use hearts.  i want to walk around school at some point. 

i'm learning my true worth.

fear

I WOKE FEELING LONG TIME COMPANION.  I THINK FEAR WAS THE COMMON EMOTION IN THE FAMILY.  MOM DAD AILEEN AND MITZI HATED LOVE.

I'M FEELING SO EXHAUSTED.  I WAS AFRAID 'TIL I REMEMBERED EVERY CLEANSE PUTS TOXINS IN THE BLOOD.  DRINK MORE LIQUIDS AND MORE REST.

THAT'S WHY MY BODY IS SAYING TAKE IT EASY.  DON'T OVER DO.  AND I'M LISTENING.

GOOD GIRL.

I ATE MY LUNCH AFTER DRAINING OFF A TBS OF GREASE.  RESTED FEELING NAUSEA FROM ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER IN PROTEIN FRUIT PACKET.  WON'T BUY THOSE AGAIN. 

REMEMBERED FOOD GIVE AWAY 2-2;30 WILCOX.  THOUGHT ABOUT IT, LET IT GO AND WENT.  2 MILKS, BUNCH OF CELERY, CABBAGE, 2 ONIONS, 3 ROMAINE, ICEBERG, 1 POUND AND 2 PACKETS BABY CARROTS, MINI CHEESE PIZZA, CAULIFLOWER.  GOOD SOUP INGREDIENTS.

9;50 3rd in line

MAILED FIT KIT.   I JUST DON'T CARE.  I'VE SPENT ALMOST 70 YEARS DOING MY UTMOST BEST AND I HAVEN'T BEEN HAPPY.

AUTISTIC CO DEPENDENT.  DOUBLE THE ANXIETY.  I READ ANNA SEWELL ON WIKI.  SHE DIED 57 SOUNDS LIKE SHE SPENT HER ENTIRE LIFE BEING THE DUTIFUL DAUGHTER. 

my body's been so achy and tired.  6 month nicotine release.  sigh.

cathy stressed

I COULDN'T SLEEP WOKE FEELING EXHAUSTED STAYED IN BED 'TIL 7;30.

SHE'S SO BRAVE GOING TO LIVE IN HAWAII.  IT'S REVERSE RACISM THERE.  ASIANS ARE THE MAJORITY. 

one at a time

somehow the chrome log filled up and locked the pages.  i turned it off and then had a dickens of a time opening things up.  didn't remember passwords.  classical stretch is no more on 9+. 

2 days of 'oh, snap'.  i finally read the directions on overload, cleared pages, checked log with hundreds of flagged sites.  maybe i could have deleted one at a time i don't know.

i'm rattled.

happy father

I WAS  HOME 9 A M FROM COSTCO GAS, LOWE'S LAVENDER 3/$10, 24 HOUR ARQUES NO POOL OR SHOWERS, BURGER KING BACON CROISSANTS.

WOKE AT 4 NOT REMEMBERING FATHER'S DAY.  WATCHED STUDENT PRINCE DVD 'TIL 6.  CLOSED EAST SIDE.

I'VE BEEN HURTING SO LONG I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE NOT TO BE IN PAIN.  MAYBE SINCE BIRTH.

I'M IN MY AB LOUNGER RUMINATING.  I MAY SPEND THE ENTIRE DAY LIKE THIS.

I SEWED ANOTHER BAG POCKET FOR CHOP STICKS.  THE OLD ME WOULD HAVE WORKED TO EXHAUSTION.  THE NEW ME TAKES TIME TO ADMIRE MY CREATION.

I MADE A MAGNET CLASP AND SPOTTED THE MISPLACED TURTLE NECKLACE ON THE 3 BULB LIVING ROOM LAMP WHEN I SWITCHED IT ON.  I'M A ONE WOMAN RIOT.

blah, blah

i'm finally adding pockets to clothes and bags. 

i went to saratoga lucky's for freebie grapefruit water found $4 bag water softener salt.  parked at library no chrome reception.  dropped off and picked up.  thought about st justin and went burger king for bacon croissant.  ate one it was sausage.  if i wasn't so hungry i'd have taken it back.  great hash browns.  i do love potatoes.  o j 50 cents extra. 

i finished taking skirt apart and safety pinned bodice together.  so cute.  found pockets to add to bags and clothes  having phantom stabbing pains everywhere.  oh well.

i got excited over package from caremore only fit test.  oh well. 

gone again

THIS MORNING WENT SENIORS 9;37 SECOND CAR.  I DECIDED I DON'T WANT TO BE NUMBER 1 OR TWO.  GOING THROUGH BILLS REALIZED I FORGOT CON CELL 3 DAYS LATE.  TOOK CARE OF IT.  I FORGOT TO PUT IT ON CALENDAR.

CONSIDERED LUCKY'S FRIDAY FREEBIE 16 OZ AHA FLAVORED SPARKLING WATER.  TOMORROW BEFORE LIBRARY PICK UP DROP OFF. 

RETURNED TOKI'S CALL TELLING ME WILCOX THURSDAY 2 PM FOOD GIVE AWAY.

FILLED 2 PERFUME MINI SPRAYS WITH ALCOHOL.  I'VE HAD THEM LONG TIME. 

HAPPY TODDLER.

I THINK WE GAIN FAT AS WE AGE TO REDUCE WRINKLES.  I LIKE BEING A HAPPY TODDLER.  AND AS WE MOVE LESS WE BECOME UNSTEADY.  ALL AS IT SHOULD BE.  I'M NOT READY TO GIVE IN YET.  I WANT TO MOVE AND GROOVE STILL.

DISAPPEARED AGAIN.  I HAVE TO PUBLISH AND RE OPEN MAYBE.

TODAY'S WALTER'S BIRTHDAY.  I SENT A HAND WRITTEN CARD AND 5 DOLLARS.

I BOUGHT ROCK FISH SAFEWAY CLEARANCE.  CHECKER COULDN'T FIGURE OUT 30% OFF SO I SAID 70% OF PRICE.  ONE OPERATION INSTEAD OF TWO.  THEN SHE ADDS THE .75 PASTA AND WANTS TO CHARGE ME TWICE.  I KNEW THAT WAS WRONG.  SHE WENT ROUND AND ROUND.  OH, WELL.  NUMBERS WAS ALWAYS MY BEST SUBJECT.  THE ONLY PERFECT LANGUAGE.  THE ONLY LANGUAGE WITHOUT EXCEPTIONS.

LUNCH WAS GREAT. BEEF PORK HOT DOG.

86 o AT 11;11.  IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A HOT ONE BUT THERE'S ALREADY ONE FIRE BURNING SO WE'LL SEE.

RE READING LAST WEEK IS LIKE NIGHT AND DAY.  I FEEL SO GOOD.

LOST IN TRANSITION

NOW I KNOW FOR SURE IF THE PAGE ISN'T CLOSED EVERYTHING BUT THE DATE AND TIME STAMP EVAPORATES.   TA DA!  I FEEL LIKE A RELUCTANT MAGICIAN.  SO THERE MUST BE A BENEFIT.  DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS YET.  MAYBE LETTING GO OF THE PAST.

I USED TO JUST CLOSE THE LAPTOP AND EVERYTHING REMAINED IN PLACE.  NOT ANYMORE.  I HAVE TO CLOSE THE PAGE IF I WANT TO SAVE IT.  I GUESS I COULD MAKE NEW PAGES THROUGHOUT THE DAY.  SEEMS WASTEFUL SOMEHOW.  MY TRAINING.  REACTION TO THE PAST OF NOT HAVING WHAT I WANT.  THIS IS ELECTRONIC NOT ACTUAL WASTING PAPER.  YET I FEEL RELUCTANT.

I ARRIVED 9;37 3RD CAR IN SENIORS LINE.  I HAD NO INTERNET INSIDE HOME, SAT IN CAR DOING PCH GAMES.  NOT ENOUGH TIME WITHOUT RUSHING SAFEWAY PRICING.

stretch

EVERYONE IS BEING FORCED TO JUST BE.  THE HARDEST THING WHEN BED REST IS THE INABILITY TO RUN AWAY.  SURVIVAL INSTINCTS KICK IN AND FEAR AND PANIC.  FEELING STUCK.

CONSIDERED MY OPTIONS.  WATCHED JAMIE THEN WALMART PAID PGE DUE FRIDAY.  THOUGHT ABOUT BUYING GUM, NOT YET.  REALIZED I LEFT PHONE HOME IN CHARGER.

GOT TO CAMPBELL LIBRARY BY NEW ROUTE AT 2.  PARKED UNDER TREE IN EMPTY LOT.  LOVING IT.  I RETURNED ITEMS AND ASKED NO PHONE TO CALL.  I WAITED BEHIND PRIVILEGED WHITE WOMAN EXPECTING SPECIAL ENTRY.  THEY HAD HOLDS READY.  I CONSIDERED SHOPPING OR CITY LIBRARY BUT I ALREADY FORGOT PHONE SO I MUST BE TIRED AND CAME HOME.  THEN I PROCEEDED TO MISPLACE KITCHEN REMOTE FOR HALF HOUR.  GOOD CALL, I FELL ASLEEP WATCHING GREEN ACRES.

5 HRS

I WOKE 2;30, PUT ON HEAD PHONES AND WATCHED DVD'S,  I NEED MORE CD TIME.  RE PROGRAMMING TAKES DEDICATION.

OVERCAST LIKE MY CHILDHOOD I'M FEELING LOST AND ABANDONED.  I FELL ASLEEP WATCHING JAMIE AND MARTHA STEWART WOKE ME UP.

I PLANNED ON CHECKING PRICES AT SAFEWAY AND RESTOCKED AT DOLLAR STORE INSTEAD.  IT FEELS SO STRANGE TO NOT FEEL COMPELLED.  MAKES ME VIBRATE.  THE OLD ME HELL BENT ON PLANS.

I GOT TO SENIORS BAD LUNCH 9;43 3RD IN LINE.  FELT LIKE READING STANDING IN RAINBOW FANNIE FLAGG AND STARTED CRYING.  LETTING GO OF ERIC'S SAD LIFE.  HER CHARACTERS HAVE SAD LIVES AND GOOD FRIENDS.  EVERYTHING COMES OUT ALL RIGHT IN THE END.  BEST MARIGOLD HOTEL; IF IT ISN'T ALL RIGHT IT ISN'T THE END.

I REALIZED MY COMPASSION FOR ERIC AND TOM COME FROM UNDERSTANDING THEIR PAST.  DAD AND EX DESERVE THE SAME. 

back on the spiral

THE CRUX IS STAYING FOCUSED ON THE GOAL; HAPPY HEALTHY WEALTHY WISE.  I'M FEELING ISOLATED LIKE THE 8 YEARS BED RIDDEN.  THIS TIME I'M MOBILE, ABLE TO EAT AND DIGEST WITHOUT VICODIN.  I HAVE TO COMBAT MY DEPRESSION BY REMEMBERING  I'M BETTER, OLDER AND HOPEFULLY WISER.

I FOUND AUNTIE'S DEC LETTER IN THE AARP MAGAZINE.  GOOD THING I READ EVERYTHING.

I PAID MEDICARE ONLINE TOOK AN HOUR I ALREADY HAD 2015 ACCOUNT.  NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. 

COOL WEATHER

WATCHING MONKEE'S MARATHON. 

I TOOK PASSIONFLOWER FOR SADNESS MISSING ERIC MY ADOPTED LITTLE BROTHER.  TODAY 3 YEARS AGO ERIC DIED IN A HOSPITAL ROOM FILLED WITH 10 DAYS OF BIRTHDAY SWEETS.  SUGAR FEEDS CANCER.  EARLIER IN THE WEEK I TOOK HIM A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH.  HE WAS SO GRATEFUL.

I'M FEELING ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED AND WANT TO THROW EVERYTHING OUT.  I MUST HAVE LEARNED IT FROM MOM AND EXPLAINS MY TOYS DISAPPEARING AND WHERE AILEEN LEARNED GASLIGHTING.

GONE

DISAPPEARED

PREVIOUS POST DISAPPEARED BETWEEN HERE AND SENIORS.  DON'T KNOW HOW.

I ATE LAST OF CORN.  I WENT TO SMART & FINAL FOR .99 LETTUCE AFTER WATCHING JAMIE MAKE PEAS, MINT, LETTUCE.  CHICKEN POT PIE.

MONSTER MOVIES ARE POPULAR BECAUSE WE'RE MONSTERS.  WE DON'T TAKE CARE OF THE PLANET USING AND ABUSING NATURE.  I'M WATCHING GODZILLA PROBABLY A RETELLING OF HIROSHIMA AND NAGASAKI.  ATOMIC POWER IS BLAMED FOR AWAKENING GODZILLA A PREHISTORIC REPTILE. 

under pressure

MAYBE MY FAMILY WAS HELPING ME BECOME A DIAMOND.  CARBON UNDER HEAT AND PRESSURE BECOMES THE HARDEST SUBSTANCE ON EARTH.  MAYBE THAT'S WHY PEOPLE VALUE IT.  I ALWAYS WONDER WHY IT'S MORE PRECIOUS THAN A DEW DROP.  I LOVED WATERING SPIDER WEBS IN THE GARDEN AND WATCHING THE RAINBOWS.  IN ALL THE CHORES I DID THAT MY SISTERS DIDN'T HAVE TO I COULD FIND SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL.  THE PREJUDICE STARTED  SO EARLY I NEVER NOTICED.  SO THEY MADE FUN OF ME BEING STUPID WHEN I DIDN'T RESENT THE MISTREATMENT.  I DON'T BOTHER WITH USELESS EMOTIONS.  WASTE OF TIME/ENERGY.  THEY WOULD HAVE FORCED ME TO DO THEIR WORK ANYWAY.

I MUST REMEMBER TO CLOSE THE PAGE TO AVOID IT DISAPPEARING.  YESTERDAY'S POST VANISHED.  I HAD A GOOD DAY.

GREEN PROMISE 1948

GOOD MOVIE OF WALTER BRENNAN PLAYING FATHER LIKE DAD.  I GUESS HE WASN'T UNIQUE LIKE HE THOUGHT.  AND HIS MOLESTING AILEEN DROVE US TO STUDY WITH JW'S.  SO DAD KNEW HE WAS WRONG EVEN THEN AND CONTINUED TO MANIPULATE AND BULLY.  HE HAD EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO DO BETTER AND DIDN'T.  HE GAVE EVERYTHING TO AILEEN.  MAKING HIS MOLESTING HER FAULT WHEN SHE WAS 13 AFTER BEING MOLESTED AT 5 BY NEIGHBOR.  SO I UNDERSTAND HER.  I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT I GIVE IT ALL TO GOD.

ARCHIVE.ORG HAS FREE PUBLIC DOMAIN MOVIES

ON TO THE MUNDANE I WENT TO DOLLAR STORE 9;15 NO PAVING YET.  HALF OF LOT ROPED OFF.  NO WORKERS.  I GOT UNICORN SOCKS ONLY ONE PAIR THERE.  AND CHIPS AND SHIELDS.  9;30 SO I WENT SMART AND FINAL FOR 1.49 DOZEN EGGS AND LAST CHOCOLATE QUICK ON SHELF.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT SALES.  THEY ACT LIKE WALKING AROUND IS THEIR JOB. 

I'M MISSING SOMETHING.  AND MORE WILL BE REVEALED.

WEATHER IS SO PERFECT TODAY 67 o.  I'M LOVING THE NORTH WIND COOLING EVERYTHING DOWN. 

miranda esmonde white

rediscovered.  she continues to research better health in tune with nature. aging backwards 3.  more science info.  brains benefit from exercise not just with improved circulation but challenging big broad movements force the brain neurons to fire balancing the body. 

so lovely cool today.

the only way to insure this doesn't evaporate is to close the page.

keeps disappearing

I WATCHED ROMAN HOLIDAY AUDREY HEPBURN.  I THINK SHE MARRIED MEL FERRER BECAUSE HE REMINDED HER OF GREGORY PECK.  TALL, DARK AND HANDSOME.   SHE REALLY WAS A PRINCESS.  TOO BAD HE WAS NO PRINCE. 

missing little bro

6/3-13.  tough time to get through.  i run around trying to escape my pain.  i called chase i found my card wouldn't re open account.  oh, well.

i went to lawrence lucky for water used reward.  drove through dollar store parking lot.  paving next monday and tuesday.

elastic broke on seat cover.  i'm using two leather belts lashed together.  i guess rope would do as well but i'm not using the belts anyway.  i used a belt as a leash when i found felix at sjsu.  he was sick wandering around campus.   such a loving faithful dog.  i've always had better pets than men in my life.  and i found mop terrier in the street hit by a car or maybe just abandoned.  i like watching cesar milan dog whisperer.

9;38 #3 car.  i forgot i was going to write auntie.  friday saturday lunch pick up.  they must be planning on leaving early.  10;00 tables set out food bags.  so beautiful 70 o.  summer's here.

erased

6 hours sleep.  i went and bought my 2 dinner wraps from lucky's 200 points for 11.98.  i loaded end of month expiring points.  tomorrow i can buy sale gal 69 cent crystal geyser water 4/1.16.  i can recycle bottles in trunk. 

arrived 9;44 senior lunch line #2 behind upstairs perv o's friend.  o must be a perv too.  no wonder he doesn't like me.  questionable people project their crap on me and don't like me.  i like everyone until they disrespect me.  then i ignore them.  they no longer exist in my universe.

lovely uneventful day.  i have my wet towels and stayed very comfortable.  i thought i misplaced on and it was on my head.  i make myself laugh.

Jamie Oliver

READING WIKIPEDIA EXPLAINED A LOT.  HIS SUCCESS IS PROBABLY LINKED TO HIS SEVERE DYSLEXIA.  HE LEFT SCHOOL AT 16 TO EARN A HOME EC COLLEGE DEGREE.  REGULAR SCHOOL WAS PROBABLY HELL.

I HAD A LOVELY TIME ASLEEP IN HEAVEN WHERE THERE IS NO JUDGMENT.  I THINK THAT'S WHERE WE CAN GO WHEN WE SLEEP.  NOT A NECESSARY DESTINATION. 

SITTING IN SENIOR LUNCH LINE WATCHING PEOPLE EXERCISE IN THE PARK IS ENCOURAGING.  SOME PEOPLE ARE USING THE TIME WISELY.

I FOUND MY GIFT CARDS IN THE RED INSULATED LUNCH BAG BUT THE AARP CHASE IS NOT WITH THEM.  A DEEPER LEVEL OF SECURITY. 

I CALLED TO REINSTATE AND LAKYN ISSUED ME NEW CARD ACCORDING TO COMPANY POLICY.  3-5 BUSINESS DAYS. 

READY

I'M BLESSED.  I HAVE MY GAMES, TV, BOOKS, MOVIES.  ALL FOR MY SOUL, SPIRIT, MIND.  MOST PEOPLE DON'T EXERCISE THE MIND OR BODY.  ACTIVE MINDS DEMAND ACTIVE BODIES.

NOW IF I CAN FIND WHAT I DID WITH RED AARP FANNY PACK.  I WOULDN'T NEED TO HIDE THINGS IF THERE WAS MORE RESPECT IN THE WORLD.  MY SISTERS ARE THE MOST HURTFUL.  STEALING FROM ME WHEN DISABLED. 

new child

LOOKING FOR PURPLE BAG I FOUND BACK SCRATCH ER.  I'M WORKING AT CONSOLIDATING.  OR PLAYING. 

I WENT TO CHASE FIRST OF THE MONTH BANKING.  MY LEFT HIP, FOOT AND LEG ARE VERY SORE I THINK FROM SATURDAY STRETCHES.  WALKING AROUND LOOSENS IT UP.  I WALKED AROUND HOMESTEAD SAFEWAY FINDING 3 SODAS, RICE CRISPY TREATS ON CLEARANCE.  DELICIOUS.  $4.  THEN I NOTICED I WAS CHARGED FOR 4 SODAS AND GOT REFUNDED BACK 1.06.  BETTER AND BETTER.

MY LEG TIGHTENED UP SITTING WAITING FOR LUNCH SO I CAME STRAIGHT HOME, ATE LUNCH, COOKED THE RAW ONIONS IN THE MANGO SALSA.  MALLORY LOST MY LUNCH MENU AND I TOLD VALERIE I WAS HAVING ALL HOT MEALS THIS MONTH E Z P Z. 

I WATCHED MEDIUM, RESTING, THEN THIN MAN MARATHON 2.3, GODZILLA MONSTER MOVIES 44.2.  I'M IN HEAVEN.

2;40 I FELT SO HAPPY I WENT TO STAR ONE AND SAFEWAY CUPERTINO CORN BREAD, PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES.  SO MY MONTHLY BANKING IS DONE AND I HAVE TREATS. 

I'M GOOD.