12/31

page wouldn't open yesterday and i didn't sweat it.  woo-hoo!!  i just went along my night.  

stayed in bed 'til 8!  still feeling tired.  came to library 58% charge so minimum computer and went to gym 2, soaked, stretched, charged chrome, dried hair and filled waters.  walked safe way and deli has chinese!!  i got side 2 entrees meal 39 cents more than panda express but no additional driving, 4 mini parfait $4.99.  used gift card whew!  done and done.  went back to library to game and compute.  ate almost entire meal listening to healing.  left groceries picked up file folders.

remembered last day lucky's free soda and yogurt.  walked store.  last day big lots $5 off $15.  bought dried pineapple and strawberries for oat meal, great red white black plaid new york laundry hoodie, vitamin c candies.  returned beets.

home 5:30.  ate meatloaf with grits, cooked onion carrot for tomorrow.  chips 2 mini parfait dessert.

15 minutes in to beautiful day

when Lloyd is looking so confused and hurt i know what he's feeling.  been there.  still feel that way some times.  i suppose i need to honor that.  watching 'beautiful day' fourth time.  

my stomach was upset getting calmer.  i ate meat loaf and bread for b'fast.  bit of porridge.  but it's probably the emotions upset.  i kept eating vitamin c candies.  probably 6.  better.

i'm going to seniors later.  i'm being gentler with myself.  not pushing as hard.  what would my life had been if i'd been lead instead of pushed?  no one talks about the parents or figures that produce a mr. rogers or temple grandin.  mr. rogers asks lloyd 'who loved him to become the man he is.'  

i enjoy waiting for toke and chatting as we go to our cars.  went sunny vale library to eat lunch, compute, charge since closed tomorrow.  and then to gym 2 i felt pretty well rested.  home 5 pm.  glad dinner pre cooked.  feeling tired.

i cried

i planned to watch 'mr rogers' movie non stop 15 minutes in my legs got chills run away!!  i got up looking for a distraction:  find paper, a notebook, pen not right another pen, book needs dusting.  the father everyone needs.  my father a large dangerous vindictive child.  

i avoided watching the tom hanks movie.  didn't care for the actor and was afraid to be disappointed.  the spirit is there.  i'll have to watch a bite at a time.

i'm finally crying for dad.  i haven't for 22 years.  when he died i felt relief.  i was physically emotionally spiritually drained.  i had nothing left.  i was a dry husk.  

what a different world if we'd all been raised by fred rogers.  

i did my lunch and drove to library and soak.  stopped nob hill another meat loaf.  i need protein to heal my body.  home i ate onion potato meat loaf rested finally found mail.  i'm ok.  i know next year great.  

beautiful energy back

it's raining and stopping long enough for me to get things done.  my energy is back.  i went back to cost co 8:15 am drove right to pump.  such a difference from yesterday.  

gym 2 shampooed soaked stretched taking my time.  straight to seniors art was alone so i sat with him not hungry from exercise.  Greg showed up i waited 'til toke came and walked out with her.  perfect.

drove past main closed st just too rainy to leave groceries.  kiely to sunny vale library.  lunched in car weak reception.  inside i returned 'america' browsed sale, filled waters, charged chrome listened healing, gamed, mailed, borrowed 6.  i forgot to check nob hill $5 moon day so stopped by.  holiday 2 day sale.  $5 frozen 32 oz meatloaf microwaveable.  ate half (3) with bread lettuce.  yum.  cooked onion potato for tomorrow.  

misplaced mail.  i got excited over grocery ads and put them somewhere safe.  excitement replaced by celebrity wheel of fortune excitement.  i'm ok.  i can call for replacements.

s v library just started pouring

chased away the food group that gathers every weekend trading groceries.  they usually stand around talking.  

i'm feeling fear and anxiety probably the downside of enjoying the peace and quiet yesterday.  processing years of fears holidays bring.  never sure of the level of family violence anticipated.  poised ready to run hide.  such an expenditure of energy.  i'm feeling tired.  i cooked sewed sorted all yesterday.  productive satisfying.  i don't have to gym 2 unless i want.

got home 3:30.  drove past cost co gas.  a thousand others same idea of fill up.  entire parking lot packed.  drove back way.  took out garbage added street and recycle bins.  

i'm watching romance movies trying to figure them out.  i know none of my relationships worked because not a good fit.  that's it.

freedom

what a feeling.  loving it.  no schedule.  sitting s v library gaming computing.  slight scare re connection.  it's ok now.  an hour already.  time flies.  feeling calm and peace filled.  

if i hadn't moved back to take care of mom and dad i wouldn't appreciate the quiet peace and calm.  this time is so so precious to me.  all noise is mine.

yay!! soaked stretched gym 2 and tried Wendy's biscuit only 'til 10:30 and not $1 i went burger king 2 jr 2 fries with chili.  checked out big lots sunflower seeds beet i have to refund return by 1/23/22 too toxic.  dessert of strawberry cheerios almonds with strawberry quick milk.  so good.  food digests better without stress from family.  

best christmas ever.

lovely

rain stopped just in time for me to go to library.  i computed then exercised.  went a different shorter route.  straight to seniors thought about target.  too tired.  

inge gave me a tin of butter cookies.  i thought about what i wanted to do, nothing.  home i ate lunch, cooked onions, potatoes, squash to add to chili and corn.  2 toasted croissants for dessert.  toast with cream cheese and cranberry cherry preserves.  so good.  

so good

senior lunch turkey r/t ham.  easier to digest.  eating the ribs and tamale were heavy hard to process.  menu had glazed ham.  slice w w bread mash sandwich.  innocuous green beans.  pumpkin bread pudding eggs good.  corner piece i'm reassured it's thoroughly cooked.  leave it to them to use the container upside down.   

i'm sitting front s v lib listening to healing.  5:30 am had lucid dream of nit and Craig in back yard green beans 5 ft tall lush healthy.  next door Todd's family picnic.  i slept 9 hours.  i haven't felt so lethargic since bed ridden.  

TARGET S V CLOSED!!

i'm feeling peace

such a beautiful day.  started out sunny and calm.  i readied the pruner for tomorrow.  i considered moving green bin but too dewy wet.  10:45 i'm second car.  still internet chrome city issues i organized bills for new year.  long line i put lunch in car.  gave toke little guava.  waited for gerde 'til 11:45 went straight to sunnyvale library, ate listening to healing renewed 'secret' online.  1 pm went in charged chrome, gamed, listened to healing.  2:30 bored i went to gym 2 to soak, stretch.  left 4 to home just as it started raining.  

lovely.

i made bbq ribs candy bark by overcooking in microwave.  i set at med 18 minutes.  just before it started to burn i checked and removed.  so crunchy.  all the bits cooked down.  and 2 toasted croissants.  later the last tamale.  good eats.  i want more.  without the hassle of 'family'.

sunny vale

i hadn't planned on it.  10 am i tried watching 'concentration' i couldn't concentrate.  i dressed went to seniors.  chrome wouldn't connect notice from city.  dining room late opening i walked park stretched my back ok.  picked up lunch on to main for Darryl's expertise.  he had Paul the wizard take a look at it for another search engine but no.  said sunny vale would work.  

so here i am eating lunch in my car 1 pm.  went in library checked out pop up sale maybe tomorrow.  i must have caught cold sat day.  sniffles herb no effect c worked.  just the hint of a cold.  took 1 an hour and after 4 gone.  charged chrome, listened healing, gamed, got bored 3 pm went nob hill $5 Monday half rack ribs 5 tamales.  home i watched 'love boat' and ate 2 ribs and 3 tamales.  so good.  

added cleaner to softener pressed light display to clear flashing warning.  i didn't know it was going to take more than just salt.  the sears sturdier.  started warning a week before 4 month 8-12/21 installation date.

because of football 'wheel' on late 10 pm.  so worth it.  

i looked for an hour for pge bill to pay then remembered to look in paid.  i did last week.  

took an hour

decided lucky's soda and walked store.  rearranged front to accommodate 2 cups.   10 am burger king 2 hash browns, 2 croissant, 2 coffee b'fast.  i gave extra coffee 3 sugar hash 3 ketchup to homeless and he started making demands.  that's it for me this year sharing.  shocked me.  more ptsd.  my family always demanding more of me never satisfied.  punishment, humiliation.

i left to find home depot and was lost.  in store i asked, was directed, couldn't find water softener cleaner finally an associate helped me see it.  an hour.  there on shelf all along.  my autism overload.

in my car sitting in front s v library enjoying coffee, croissant, hash, bonus fries.  today's word 'joy'.  bit by bit i'm learning.  my family always demanding more from me never satisfied.  i'm learning happiness.  my back fully supported in total comfort.  

1 pm i used computer listening to healing.  charging chrome froze while i was gaming and i was able to turn it off on and reset major tabs.  4 pm i went gym 2 soaked stretched home 5:45 more integrated than i've ever been in my life.  ate second croissant hash.  cooked onion potato egg cheese for tomorrow.  called paid discover.  

no line 1 pm

10 am left for gym 2 after warming up engine.  parking front door row.  found penny water fountain, shampooed, soaked and stretched.  took my time dressing.  thought about picking up lunch wrong street for Wendy's stopped at burger king 2/1 whopper junior fries.  gave half to homeless in lot.  back way to Benton to Kiely to Homestead past st just no line 1 pm picked up meal gift cards to safe way not lucky's or smart final.  main i returned and borrowed movies, charged chrome, gamed 'til 2.  parking lot i listened to healing came home and watched concentration marathon.  back hip good.  put away groceries, dinner soup added can chicken.  perfect peace. 

the decades marathon this weekend the 'Monkees'.  even as a child i could only take so much of adults behaving incomprehensibly i had my parents and didn't find it entertaining.  my parents never matured no matter how old.  dad at 79 and mom at 80.  

water softener warning light flashing and all the ptsd chemicals cascading through my body.  mom and dad panicked tearing and rending all around them.  alien and nit were so great at hiding.  my autism deer in the headlights taking the abuse.  

always fry day

2 weeks ago check engine light and today.  Carlos on phone 8:15 talking to loan.  after he finished and reset computer i gave him $20 for lunch and Merry Christmas.  i want him to know i appreciate the peace of mind he gives me.  i can depend on him.  i told him i'm autistic.

seniors routine is reassuring too.  today center warm because Jennifer felt cold yesterday.  she's consistent.  predictable.  next 2 weeks i'm a new me.  i'm embracing me for the first time.  i'm living without hiding who i am.  i lived under the threat of death from my mom.  all i wanted was to be loved and accepted by my family but they weren't ever good enough.  they couldn't see me, always wanting me to be someone else.  

watching 'generation a' 2014 they don't get it.  aspergers=autism.  abby is being rewarded for acting out.  1980 one in 10,000.  today one in 68.  wrong.  as an adult i know majority became alcoholics, addicts, homeless, or dead what society accepted.  listening the universe is explained.  Stephen Shore, EdD, Adelphi University hasn't studied child development or would know 18 months brain and body is growing intensely unevenly.  Alex Plank founder of WrongPlanet.net.  Dani Bowman age 16 explains reincarnation in anime from Powerlight Studios 'Mr. Raindrop'.  Wyatt Isaacs' song 'too sensitive'.  i heard that from my mom all my life.  equestrian therapy works because horses are prey=safe animals.  expressing emotions happy=getting attention unsafe for prey animals.  we feel them in a secondary level.

'autism: a family's journey' copyright 2013.  Catherine Maurice let me hear your voice book mother reads.  Cairns family of Arizona.  how they connected him to world.  52 minutes seems like forever.  

Chinese making of 'big fish and begonia' is a study of a team of autistic adults.  the 12 year commitment.  hyper focus.  

6:30 lucid dream

during Mary El 1985 with Jennifer Cline i had 3 visions.  my back was hurting and i saw myself die in the south seas by shark, in Britain battle broadsword, India ridden over by messengers.  my back pain went away.  

in the dream i take 2 small Indian children by the hand into a tropical hospital room where their 12 year older brother is lying in a rattan bed.  he's sad he lost the herbs prescribed to him and i tell him all he needs is stretching and good nutrition.  

i showered stretched went to bookmobile.  after computing i picked up lunch and sat at table.  Walter showed up with village diorama.  i asked him to carry it for me to car.  put everything away, ate beef stick and went to sit in fireplace room.  we talked 'til 1 my right hip screaming so i took willow.  home i ate lunch, stretched and my hip good.  the 2022 planner is another moon calendar.  i wrote out check for year anthem dental.  i'm caught up in good shape for next year.  due to soc sec i'm covered.  required retired minimum distribution starts at 72 due to 2019 new law.  

i have to consciously relax.

my natural state is tense.  i forcefully relax.  even that isn't relaxed.  my stomach upset.  my dad's legacy.

i'm typing in gloves it's so cold.  i have to remove them to move the cursor.  

i'm feeling ready

watched and moved to sit and stretch.  stayed on course went dollar .25 store for supp and checking price.  

showered, stretched.  lunch was ladies auxiliary.  way better than regular.  sliced turkey dab gravy, roasted potatoes, roasted veg blend, dab of cranberry, roll, pumpkin bar.  and yet helen complains.  

xmas cards.

i got one from della on my b'day thinking she remembered.  no.  typical family disappointment.  i'm sitting in my car waiting for the steady rain to pause.  auto update is working.  

little by little i'm clearing the household jam.  it's a representation of my body.  

wowie chrome froze could be pch

trying to remember what tabs i had.  had to shut down and restart.  or could be city chrome.  due tomorrow.  i don't feel like dealing with the situation.  

i soaked and stretched gym 2.  walked safe way nothing i needed.  feeling so heavy and tired i forced myself to go.  must be the hamburger i've been eating half lb a day since buying fry day.  i am sleeping deeply.  yesterday i stayed in bed 'til 10.  feeling lethargic i just took care of myself.  i'm learning how.  i watched sat day concentration marathon.  none today since programming changed.  

4 pm home i watched st Francis Assisi.  i couldn't feel if i was tired.  so i erred on the side of caution and pampered myself.  

finished my prep

loaded lucky's freebie oat milk.  picked up lunch.  gerde drove in i got out her walker.  i sat perfectly supported in car listening to healing and toke parked opposite.  she stopped to say hi before exercising.  i went back in to charge chrome.  toke stopped on her way home wished each other good weekend.  

lucky's i found 8 clearance burger patties $3.99, picked up free oat milk, 3 lbs gold potatoes, mango.  $3 in expiring rewards.  all for $3.99.  home 2 pm.  still hungry i cooked patty w/cheese.  still hungry 3 more, coleslaw and brownies for dessert.  

so cold i'm bundled with gloves.  5 pm toke left sushi.  i called to say thanks.  

pray for care givers

daily word.  everything i do for others i do for myself.  as i was setting up to eat in car listening to healing Walter came by.  i popped the trunk so he could sit on camp chair.  we talked inside too 'til 2 charging chrome i paid city.  he enjoyed sitting in fireplace room his dad loved.  i told him i needed to start my dinner.  took an hour cooking onion carrot potato in stages to added to soup.  so good but i forgot almond topping.  breakfast tomorrow.

ugh, dentist dr wehle HappyTeeth

maybe why they charge so much.  no one likes going.      3:08 i hung out seniors time to head over to dentist office.  ok i found cursor it went invisible.   maybe it's the server.  news said bunch of companies having internet issues.  new behavior.  4 pm appointment.  went well Jen cleaned and polished $35. 

 

sat in car

made dentist tomorrow 4 pm and eye yearly $2450 w/o insurance dr mark.  i didn't know it was so much.  no wonder they want me in.  finally medium size font keeps resetting itself.

all this new behavior setting off autism alarm bells.  

my brother walter remembered.

like living on the moon

in the car it was hot in the shade cold.  i'm sitting at sunny vale library.

global warming is mankind consuming itself through conspicuous consumption.  i decided anything i do must add value 

well i'm glad i checked tv listings no concentration at 1 so i can do whatever i want.  maybe you tube?  doing what i want.  

i did my games, checked mail.  now what?  i decided to go in the library.  i charged, gamed and computed.  i was leery that yahoo would let me access my mail.  i hung out 'til 4:30 and i feel ok.  we'll see if i can sleep.  i can't tell.

my back- i survived

i forgot what Thomas Hanna did.  he studied how babies developed walking.  they didn't exercise.  they start learning to walk around 2.  before that their muscles develop by stretching.  i need to stretch more to balance my muscles.  babies move constantly when awake.

at sunny vale lib-rare-y.  i soaked and stretched at gym 2.  i found a wells fargo visa card on the sidewalk at the corner to safe way.  i asked the mail man if he was driving past a wells fargo, no.  then as i remembered there might be one inside safe way the owner found me.  whew!!  i found 2 of the freebie sanitizers clearance croissants and tahini, yum.  i love it.

i'm always finding things.  most people don't see what they're looking at.  i see things others have screened out.  we have no screens.  

discovered a junior book series "i survived..." a bear and shark attack not a family of wolves.

now you see it

Constance Holmes dressed in pink blouse and green pant suit.  it's a game show 6:30-7 am Jack Narz of seeing what's before your eyes.  my pink and green heaven.  

yesterday went so well i'm still excited.  i'm winding down from a very good day.  i drove to seniors the check engine light came on.  i called Carlos he was busy so i asked about after lunch, good.  i set up next year calendar looked through bills.  i showered, exercised, stretched a long time.  computed and gamed added lucky's freebie.  picked up lunch said hi to table and to Inga from Jeanie.  loading my car i saw toke drive in waved her to space next to mine.  chatted cold breeze came up.  she went to exercise i ate lunch listening to healing.  

called Carlos good time i drove over he reset said it could be O 2 sensor.  i gave him apple and extra milk from lunch.  could be i didn't warm up car before driving it was foggy warm.  will watch it.  could be the bad air quality.  probably bad air quality.

i went to college safe way nothing clearance $.98 iceberg lettuce.  2 bottles Kirkland Cost co water in parking lot reminded me Coleman gas station.  filled up although long lines 15 minutes.  drove back and paid Citibank, picked up lucky's freebies Laird veg creamer, healthy warrior oatmeal, clearance baby salad mix $.99.  said hi to Cathy.  home 2 pm musicals marathon.

i accomplished so much already.  i'm feeling deliciously tired.  

i did it yearly check up

no longer an uber virgin.  care more Carlos picked me up at 2:45 exactly.  i got to Atherton care more early and there was a cancellation so i went in early.  Sara took 1 vial from my hand saying i'm the only one to prefer hand and 10 minutes results.  Aida gave me results and was actually concerned with my health.  better results than last year.  i ate low sugar lunch.  Sara called Uber for me took 45 min so i didn't get home 'til 5:11.  first driver Javad didn't show up Harjeet lives local.  i love being chauffeured.  

i think i figured it out.

i have to view a page when connected to internet to reopen when disconnected daily or it won't open.  

i'm feeling better.  i was feeling beginning of the month blues.  maybe tired of the constant pain.  

i had two body quakes when i was totally relaxed watching 'Poirot's 'the labors of Hercules'.  my entire body jerked.  scary.  it came from my solar plexus.  an expansion of energy.  not a linear discharge like a twitch.  the first so strong almost bounced me.  the second still startling.  never felt anything like it.  the opposite of a stab.  my predator sisters.  i'm in awe of Agatha Christie's depiction of the ultimate predator.  no compassion or guilt.  a being reveling in evil.