i'm feeling

pretty good after doing wash.  i slept normal 6 hours.  i'm glad to be feeling good.  after numbing myself to survive feeling has been so painful.  processing all the old injuries.  i'm better. 

i exercised next to crazy republican.  sounds redundant.  loaded lucky's free yogurt and big lots soda.  after stretching new pain areas. i picked up lunch.  i still went st just pantry 2 bags just right amount from chris.  i left kelly's clothes.  he spotted avocado in trunk.  what acquisitive eyes.  drumsticks, potatoes, onions, beets, cherry turnovers, rolls, eggs, brown rice.

lucky's freebie and turmeric salad dressing 25 cents.  nice chat with cathy getting divorce from gay man.  home 12:30 i put away food beets!  slowly putting away laundry.  i'm cooking beets.  i removed tags from 2 x shirt.  i'm inspired to sew.  

i went to charge phone and emergency alert blocking display.  i tried figuring out phone and came across chandler.  called requested again itemized receipt for my records.  

i want something i don't know what.  i got water from car and watered porch plants.  i ate the free yogurt not good not bad.  

hanging out laff laundry maxi load

my finger is better.  a week to heal.  like normal.  

i have all the time in the world and still feel pressured by 'family' in my head.  very humid monsoon weather.  may lightning thunderstorm.  i listened to healing on chrome.  

laundry man loaded heavy wet clothes into my car for me.  wow.  i like having help.

i checked college safe way.  parked backward with view of street.  oblivious kid messing with his car parked at curb loses track of his little puppy and it almost gets hit by passing car.  i shout to kid his puppy is going to get smashed and he runs, grabs, puts it in car, waves thanks to me.  i wave back ok.  in store i found clearance frozen atkin's chicken margarita $2. good lunch.

i came home after double checking blog opened.  stopped @ mission paid city then home 11:30 'f troop.'  cooked chicken, ate, wheeled in basket, hung clothes.  it occurred to me i could take all day.  wonderfully freeing.  no mom yelling at me to hurry.  she never yelled at my sisters, they never did anything like dad.  kathy readler assumed dad was dead because i never mentioned him.  he never did anything.  the life of reilly to lie in a hammock all day.  his idea of heaven killed him.  inactivity made him sick.

i can go sunny vale and cup open if i want.  or 24 hour gym.  

c 22 years 9-5 sunday morning

7 am i'm feeling restless don't know what to do.  i'm exercising and remembering how it was and wasn't.  and i'm focusing on what i want more importantly who i choose to be.

i spent the night fitfully waking every 2 hours.  i thank god i have tv to soothe me, calm me.  got up half hour ago wondering what for b'fast.  sun day morning is running 9-11.  8:46-9:03 est how well i remember waking 6:46 turning on the tv lying in bed with my back broken, shredded from caring for the parents, disappointed, heart broken my sisters were attacking me for the estate.  i was confused seeing the same scene on every channel.  i turned on the sound and 7:03 watched the second jet impact the second world center tower.  i cried for those dead and those left behind glad mom had died may 13 and didn't see the horror, couldn't feel the wave of despair.

no wonder i'm not hungry.

c- finger still bruised-oh, dad tomorrow died sun day 9/5/99

i'm glad it stopped bleeding.  i don't have to worry about thick blood.  heart attack and stroke.  i'm keeping band aids with me.  i have quite a selection from years ago.  

9:38 cup library to ensure shade parking.  took 8 minutes 4.6 miles the long way.  thinking of what to have for lunch nothing is appealing.  

sigh.  

i asked about free wi-fi, just have to be close enough and accept terms.  i'm sitting comfortable living room chair hassock.  nice to just breath.  

safe way website loaded 2 sanitizer freebies.  played my games, filled 2 waters i used to wash car windows.  left noon decided to look for freebies.  none.  asked re stock er taking inventory out of stock for weeks only one shipment ever.  i bought clearance pumpkin cream turnovers, assorted danish.  front end manager suggested i look on register displays for freebies.  i found sterling solitaire ring on floor.  considered lost and found, nah.  fits perfectly.  made for me.

best day

woke 4:30 watched 'love boat 'til 6, ate b'fast, went to seniors, filled 5 bottles, showered, exercised, charged chrome, computed added free baguette lucky's 500 points chipotle gift card, picked up lunch, went to college safe way dollar stag chili only 3 left clearance frozen kung pao chicken $3.50, lucky's 2 ears corn 19 cents, free bread, home 12:45.

ate cold dog added mustard, ketchup, relish, mayo.  liked the baked beans, cauliflower overcooked broccoli tough.  i'm actually enjoying myself.  i cooked the chicken found the pan i have to remember to put away or it gets moldy.  

picker pinched my finger

poor design or purposely?  probably second.  i picked bag of avocados using the adjustable basket from orchard supply.  the grooves are at the top where the basket crushes your hand.

3100

i was home by 12:45.  i showered exercised, computed, charged chrome, filled 4 bottles.  i picked up lunch to go.  mailed life insurance and withdrew from chase.  drove to star one deposited and home.  doesn't matter i forgot last month.  check is covered 164.  

so many new feelings.  i'm feeling a little sad.  sun day will be 22 years since dad died.  2 days to die in the hospital.  a year and a month in agony.  dad's sad stubborn life and death.  and alien torturing us for months.  manipulating mom dad nit me.  horribly sad.  the family tradition of tragedy.  makes me afraid for their kids.

my eyes are burning from smoky air.