REWIRING

YESTERDAY AFTER CAMPBELL LIBRARY I WENT TO DOLLAR TREE AND ATHERTON CAREMORE.  AFTER SETTING AN APPOINTMENT I TRIED TO ENTER IT ON MY PHONE CALENDAR AND IT SHUT OFF.  WHEN I TURNED IT BACK ON IT SEEMED OK.  I GO OUT TO THE CAR AND AS I'M ABOUT TO LEAVE FED EX PULLS UP BEHIND ME BLOCKING ME IN SO I HAVE TO GET OUT TO ASK HIM TO PULL FORWARD.  HE DOES.

THEN LATER AT HOME I LEFT THE LAP TOP OPEN AND WHEN I TOOK MY NAP IT DIDN'T SLEEP IT DRAINED.  AFTER AN HOUR AND HALF IT WAS DOWN FROM 100-20%.  GO FIGURE.  IT SHOULD HAVE HAD 80%.

MY APPOINTMENT IS 6/13 THE SECOND ANNIVERSARY OF ERIC'S DEATH.  I GOT TO O'CONNOR HOSPITAL 2 HOURS AFTER HE DIED.  ROSE T AND HIS FRIENDS WERE THERE.  HIS SPIRIT WAS STILL THERE.  THE REAL TRAGEDY IS ERIC DIED FRANK'S DEATH.

ROSE V'S DAUGHTER HAS CANCER TOO.  HUH.

I GET IT

MY BACK AND STOMACH TROUBLES STARTED AS A CHILD AND MY BODY IS FINALLY RESOLVING THOSE BASIC EMOTIONAL ISSUES.  I LEARNED TO ALLEVIATE THE SYMPTOMS.  TO IGNORE WHAT I HADN'T THE ABILITY TO CHANGE.

I HAD TO GO SHOPPING LAST NIGHT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE DENIED DESIRES I HAD AS A CHILD.  I HAD TO BE TIRED AND STILL ENOUGH TO HEAR MYSELF.  TO KNOW WHAT I WAS FEELING.  I WANT TO BE CARED FOR AND TO CARE.  MY NEEDS WERE IGNORED AS A CHILD.

I WAS SO LONELY AS A CHILD.  FEELING ALONE WHILE BEING TORTURED AND ABUSED.   THE WORST KIND OF ATTENTION.  AND I'M AFRAID OF ATTENTION.  I ASSOCIATE ATTENTION WITH ABUSE.

ADULTS WHO FEEL LONELY ARE STILL TRAPPED IN THAT CHILDHOOD ISOLATION.  MEN AND WOMEN DESPERATE ENOUGH TO SETTLE FOR THE CHILDHOOD TRAP.  AND THEY ONLY RE CREATE THE PAST IN AN UNCONSCIOUS DESIRE TO HEAL.  WHEN THEY STAY STUCK WITHOUT DOING THE WORK REQUIRED THEY LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP PHYSICALLY SPIRITUALLY EMOTIONALLY OR ALL 3.  MOVING ON TO RE CREATE THE SAME RELATIONSHIP OVER AND OVER.

SEE HARVILLE HENDRIX, GAY AND KAITLYN HENDRICKS.

EVERY PHYSICAL CONDITION HAS ITS ROOTS IN THE PSYCHIC ENERGY.

WHEN WE CAN UNDERSTAND AND CONTROL PSYCHIC ENERGY WE WILL ERADICATE DIS EASE.  ERGO "FAITH" HEALERS.  ENERGY HEALERS.

COMPETING FOR MEN

MOM TAUGHT MITZI AND AILEEN TO COMPETE FOR MEN AND THEY HAVE THAT IN COMMON WITH EACH OTHER AND THE WORLD.

HOLMES AND WATSON GOT BAD REVIEWS BUT I LIKED IT,  TWO MEN BEING SILLY.  FERRELL AND REILLY ARE SO COMMITTED.

I'M FEELING 8 YRS OLD

INSTEAD OF BEING A POWERLESS 8 YEAR OLD I'M NOW ALL POWERFUL IN A WORLD OF MY OWN.

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 1 A M.  I FELL SLEEP EXHAUSTED AT 8 P M.  I WAS SO TIRED AND COLD BUT AWOKE HOT FROM DRESSING TOO WARM.  AND I HAD SOME CHILI SPAGHETTI WHILE WATCHING GENIUS-EINSTEIN.  HOW'S THAT FOR LIVING WITH NO ONE TO CRITICIZE OR ANSWER TO.

I'M SO BLESSED.  I WOULDN'T TRADE WITH ANYONE.

WATCHING GENIUS IS HELPING A LOT WITH MY LOST IDEALISM.  WOMEN WERE DRIVEN BY BIOLOGICAL IMPERATIVE TO STAY WITH PHILANDERING MEN.  SO MANY MEN ARE JUST WHORES AND SO MANY WOMEN ENCOURAGE THEM.

IT EXPLAINS WHY WOMEN COMPETE FOR A MAN.  MAYBE FREUD WAS SORT OF RIGHT ABOUT PENIS ENVY.  THEY DON'T WANT THEIR OWN THEY JUST WANT A MAN ANY MAN.

AND WHY MEN LIKE ME.  NO PRESSURE.  I DON'T NEED A MAN.

IT AMAZES ME PEOPLE DON'T SEE CAUSE AND EFFECT IN THEIR LIVES.  I THINK THEY WANT TO BELIEVE LIFE IS ARBITRARY.  THEY DON'T HAVE TO OWN UP TO THEIR CREATIONS.  COP OUT.  IRRESPONSIBLE. 

WONDERFUL WEIRD DAY-SUNDAY

I FORGOT TO PUBLISH. 

I WENT TO LUCKY'S FIRST.  NO HOT DOGS.  THEN MARIA AND G2.  I REMEMBERED THE LUCKY'S ON MATHILDA AND WENT.  HOME TO DROP OFF ARTICHOKE PLANTS $1.  I THOUGHT ABOUT GOING TO SARATOGA 2X POINTS.  I GOT HOME AT 11 AND NAPPED.  I AWOKE @ 12 ATE SOME CHERRIES, ALMONDS TOOK OUT BINS.  THEN I DIDN'T WANT TO GO.  I'M NOT OBSESSIVE.  HURRAY!!

KNOWING TOMORROW'S A HOLIDAY I'M FREE.  I FINALLY FIXED THE TIGER TOWEL. 

ANOTHER PIECE

WHEN I AWAKEN I FEEL DESPAIR THAT THE WORLD IS AGAINST ME FROM WHEN MY FAMILY WAS AGAINST ME. 

AS A CHILD ALL I REMEMBERED WAS DESPAIR.  WE CAME TO CALIFORNIA THE SUMMER I WAS FOUR FROM ALL THE FAMILY THAT LOVED AND WANTED ME.  IT SEEMED COLD.  IT WAS COLDER THAN HAWAII.  I HAD NO ONE TO LOVE ME. 

THEN GOING TO SCHOOL PEOPLE LIKED ME.  I HAD HOPE.  BUT WHAT WAS FAMILIAR WAS JEALOUSY, RESENTMENT, ANGER, INSANITY SO I GRAVITATED TO THAT AND I AM WILLING TO CHANGE.

AGAIN

MARILYN AND BIG HELEN ARE PUTTING GERDA IN THE MIDDLE OF NEWSPAPER WARS.  SO PETTY.  THEY BRAG ABOUT THE LACK OF HEALTH PROCEDURES THEY UNDER GO.  THEY ONE UP EACH OTHER WITH WHO'S SICKER.  ARE THEY REALLY THAT DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION.  IT'S LITERALLY KILLING THEM.

I JUST DO MY THING.

PRE-VERBAL

SOME FEELINGS HAVE NO WORDS.  TODDLERS IN ADULT BODIES CAUSE PROBLEMS.

MARILYN HAD A HISSY FIT SPECIFICALLY TELLING ART NOT TO LET ME READ THE NEWSPAPER.  GERDA WENT GAMBLING.  SHE PROBABLY HAS ORDERS FROM MARILYN TOO.  MAKES ME SAD TO THINK THAT MIND WAS A SCHOOL TEACHER AND PASSED ON THAT BENT PREJUDICED PERCEPTION. 

ART GAVE ME THE PAPER, I PUT IN MY BAG IMMEDIATELY.  LIKE WHEN GERDA GAVE ME MONOPOLY FROM MARILYN, DON'T LET MARILYN KNOW.  SHHH...

IF EVERYONE STOPPED BEING AFRAID OF THE BITCH MAYBE SHE'D STOP BEING A BITCH.

PEOPLE ARE CRAP

BUT GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD TO ME

MY TODDLER IS SO ANGRY WITH THE GRASPING, GREEDY, SELFISH, SELF SERVING SCUM OF THE EARTH.  MY FAMILY AND EVERYONE TREATING ME LIKE AN IDIOT.

EVA FROM IGOR "I'D RATHER BE A GOOD NOBODY THAN AN EVIL SOMEBODY."  EVIL IS LIVE BACKWARDS AND MOST PEOPLE LIVE BACKWARDS.  WHAT THEY VALUE IS CRAP AND LIVE A LIFE OF GOOD LOOKING CRAP. 

GERDA AND INGA SAID THEY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT AVOCADOS BUT NOW THEY TELL ME OF COURSE EVERYBODY LIKES AVOCADOS.  AND DO THEY CARE THAT FOR 10 YEARS I WENT AND COLLECTED AND BROUGHT TO SENIORS BUCKETS FULL SETTING BACK MY HEALTH AND COMFORT?  NO.  NONE OF THEM CARE.

NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON ASKED OR OFFERED HELP.

CRAP.

ENVY APPLE

SO GOOD.  MEMORIAL DAY IS THIS WEEKEND.  WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?

I KEPT RE INJURING MY BACK BECAUSE I COULDN'T FEEL IT.  I FEEL IT NOW. 

I'M VERY LEERY OF SETTING BACK MY HEALING. 

I'M AFRAID. 

I WANNA PLAY HOOKY

I NEVER DID.  I ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO SCHOOL WHERE PEOPLE LIKED ME AND TREATED ME LIKE A PERSON.  SCHOOL WAS AN OASIS FOR ME. 

I WOULDN'T HAVE SURVIVED MY CHILDHOOD OTHERWISE. 

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT CREATES A TERRORIST.  A LACK OF SUPPORT.  NO REASON TO LIVE AND RESENTMENT OF OTHERS LIVING.

5-19-19

THIS MORNING WAS RAINING SO HARD AND I WAS FEELING SICK FROM TOO MUCH YESTERDAY THAT I CONSIDERED STAYING HOME.  AT 8 IT STOPPED SO I WENT TO EXERCISE AT G-1 SPA, STOPPED AT G-2 SAFEWAY FOR FREE DAIRY, $V PAPER, MARIA ANIMAL COOKIES.  THEN INSTEAD OF HOME THE LIGHT WAS UNUSUALLY GREEN SO I HEADED TOWARDS LUCKY'S AND REMEMBERED I NEEDED WALGREEN'S.  THEN HOME TO DROP OFF. 

I WENT TO ST JUSTIN CHICKEN ALFREDO, CESAR SALAD, GARLIC BREAD.  BINGO WAS FUNNY NOT HAVING BINGO.

RUMMAGE 2

MY FEET AND UPPER BACK ARE SCREAMING. 

I GOT TO LOS ALTOS HALF AN HOUR EARLY AND CHECKED THE SAFEWAY NEIGHBORHOOD MARKET.  I WALKED AN HOUR GETTING HALF OFF RAW SILK FABRIC, 5 TEES, FUN JUNK FOR $10.38. 

I WENT AND SHOWERED AT G-2, THE SPA IS BEING RENOVATED.  I'LL HAVE TO GO TO G-1 NEXT WEEK.  I WENT TO MARIA SAFEWAY AND PICKED UP SHRIMP WHICH I COOKED IN MILK, YUM AND POKE WHICH I FROZE AND WILL COOK WITH GRAIN.

I NAPPED FOR AN HOUR.  CONSTANT PAIN IS EXHAUSTING.  I LOVE THE RAIN.  SO LOVELY COOL.  I'M FINALLY ABLE TO MOURN.  I'VE BEEN TOO PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTED TO FEEL MY EMOTIONAL EXHAUSTION. 

LOS ALTOS RUMMAGE

TODAY IS AN ABUNDANT DAY.  AFTER EXERCISE I WENT TO THE HEALTH FAIR.  I GOT GREAT FREEBIES.  HELEN AND ROSE TRIED TO GUILT ME TO SERVE THEM, NO WAY.  THEY COULDN'T PAY ME ENOUGH.  LIKE SUMI.  SHE ASKED ME TO GET HER A STRAWBERRY BAG.  THEN SHE ASKED 3 OTHER PEOPLE.  WHAT!!!  THEY SIT ON THEIR FAT ASSES GETTING FATTER PLAYING ON PEOPLE'S GUILT TO SLAVE FOR THEM.

I TOOK JOHN NEWSPAPERS ST JUSTIN AND FOUND A SHEFFIELD NUT DISH WITH A SQUIRREL $1.  I CONTINUED ON TO L A AND FOUND 4 YDS RAW SILK FABRIC, LIME TERRY S/L BATH, * 4 PIECE TUPPERWARE .75, NIKE LONG SLEEVE SPORT SHIRT, MOST EXCELLENT NEW RED/BLACK/WHITE HOBO SACK.  BUT HE FORGOT TO PUT THE HANGER IN THE BAG.  BUT HE TOLD ME TO GO TO THE JEWELRY AND I FOUND 5 FREE PINS; 2 BUTTERFIES, MALEFICENT, ANGEL, SEA HORSE W/SHADOW.  SO I'M GREAT.

AND HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING FROM 8 AM TOMORROW HALF OFF.  I MAY GET THE REST OF THE RAW SILK.  OVER 8 MILES AWAY.

OH, AND I MAY HAVE FIXED THE GARAGE SECURITY LIGHT, WE'LL SEE.

EFFORTLESS

I'VE BEEN GETTING READY EARLIER AND EARLIER.  TODAY I FILLED THE CAR, 10 MINUTES TOTAL.  I LOVE IT.

YESTERDAY I TRIED TO PAY CITY ONLINE AND COULDN'T CONNECT TO THE SITE AND COULDN'T VIEW TODAY EITHER.  I WENT IN PERSON AND TOLD THEM.  THEY SAID I WAS THE ONLY ONE.  YEAH, RIGHT.

BOOKMOBILE DAY AND I WATCHED A BAG OF MARBLES.  BETTER THAN I THOUGHT.  THE RESILIENCE OF KIDS.   I'M HANGING OUT USING CITY SERVICES.  CODY PICKED UP MY BOOK I REQUESTED AT CENTRAL.  HARVILLE HENDRIX.  HE WRITES AND LECTURES AND TOURS WITH HIS WIFE.

I WANT SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF ME AND I TAKE CARE OF HIM.  MUTUAL.

SUPPORT

I'M PRACTICING WHAT IT FEELS LIKE IN THE POOL.  I HAD AN EMPOWERING DREAM OF THE OCEAN AND TOM.  I'M RUNNING ALONG THE SHORE FEELING SO GOOD, THE TIDE SWEEPS ME FORWARD, PAST TOM SITTING IN THE WATER BY THE RETAINING WALL POINTEDLY IGNORING ME.  I CONTINUE RUNNING STRONGLY.

I HAVE CONQUERED THE CLOCK.  I DO WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT.  MY LIFE WAS CONTROLLED BY THE CLOCK MY ENTIRE LIFE.  HURRAY!!

GRAVE MISGIVINGS

IT MAY BE BECAUSE TODAY IS 18 YEARS SINCE MOM DIED AND TOM IS MOM.  HE'S STILL BABY TOMMY.  MAYBE DEANA IS THE RIGHT MOMMY.

HARVILLE HENDRIX WAS RIGHT ABOUT ALL RELATIONSHIPS BEING ABOUT HEALING CHILDHOOD WOUNDS.

MY LIFE IS BECOMING EASY AGAIN.  AND IT'S HARD TO GET USED TO, IRONIC.

I CAME HOME FROM SENIORS SNACKED ON CUSTARD DONUT, CHIPS AND NAPPED 2 1/2 HOURS.  I TRIED TO WAKE UP AFTER HALF AN HOUR BUT I FELT EXHAUSTED.  I'M DOING OK CONSIDERING FRIDAY I DANCED 3 AND DROVE HOME 9:30 AT NIGHT AND COULDN'T RELAX 'TIL 1.  AND DRANK HALF THE SHANDY.

I ATE GERBER DINNER.  POOR BABIES HAVE NO QUALITY FROM PREPARED FOOD.  I ATE SALAD FROM LUNCH.  GOOD DAY.

STILL DEAD

IT'S BEEN 18 YEARS NOW.  I'VE BEEN SO SICK.  I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO MISS MOM. 

AND MITZI AND AILEEN ARE SO UNPLEASANT AND DISTRACTED ME FROM GRIEVING CONTENDING WITH THEIR THREATS AND ABUSE. 

AND TOM HAS HIS DEANA SO I'M FREE.  HE TOOK OUT THE TRASH AS A BIG PRODUCTION.  HE HASN'T CHANGED BUT MAYBE HE'LL GROW UP NOW. 

DO NOTHING

NOT LIVING ACCORDING TO THE CLOCK IS AMAZING.  I CONSIDER MY OPTIONS BASED ON DESIRE AND PRACTICALITY.

I'M CHARGING THE CHROME DURING NON PEAK HOURS.

SOMEHOW 3 PAGES ARE IN THE BUTTON AT THE BOTTOM.  IT'S FABULOUS.THIS CHROME IS SOMEHOW DIFFERENT.

BITCHES

ROSE AND ALMITA THINK I'M THEIR PERSONAL SLAVE.  ROSE WOULDN'T GIVE ME HER MILK THAT SHE DIDN'T WANT BUT GAVE IT TO ART WHO ALWAYS GIVES ME HIS MILK.  SHE GAVE IT TO GINNY CUTTING ME OUT. 

ALMITA CALLS ME OVER FROM ACROSS THE ROOM TO TAKE THE EMPTY CARAFE INSTEAD OF WALKING HALFWAY TO A TABLE.  SO LAZY.  SHE NEEDS AN IRON LUNG TO DO HER BREATHING FOR HER.  I THOUGHT MOM AND DAD WERE LAZY BUT ALMITA'S OLYMPIC MATERIAL.  SHE'S A PIECE OF WORK ALRIGHT.

LET'S SEE HOW LONG THEY LAST.

experiment

I'M SPENDING MORE TIME AWAY FROM HOME TO SEE IF SMART METER GOES DOWN.

I GOT TO SLEEP 'TIL 5 AND DREAMED I'M PUTTING MAIL IN ORDER AND I HAVE AN IMPORTANT WORD SEARCH.

WHICH I KIND OF DO EVERYDAY.  YESTERDAY RUTH GAVE ME AN ENTIRE BOX OF MONOPOLY TICKETS.  TOOK ME TWO HOURS TO OPEN.  I STILL HAVE GAME PIECES TO CHECK FROM SUNDAY AND I'VE BEEN STEADILY ENTERING CODES.

I WANT SOME DANCE DVDS.  I WANT TO DANCE.

I PICKED UP FROM CAMPBELL, PAID CITIBANK, SAFEWAY ASPIRIN, MONOPOLY AND TISSUES, DROPPED OFF PAPERS AT ST J AND I'M HOME.

I'M PLEASANTLY TIRED.  I HAD TO TURN IN CHROME AND PICK UP NEW.  I'M RESETTING MY CITES.

SITTING, EATING

I'M HANGING OUT ENJOYING THE CITY DIME.  I FINALLY FIGURED OUT MY SMART METER IS CHARGING ME THROUGH THE ROOF BECAUSE OF PEAK TIMES.

I DECIDED TO GO TO SCU SAFEWAY.  TODAY'S THE LAST DAY TO REDEEM FREE MONOPOLY TICKETS.  IT'S WEIRD CAUSE THE REST ARE GOOD TIL THE 28TH.

ELSIE IS STUPID OR MEAN.  MAYBE BOTH.  SHE KEPT RIDING ME ABOUT LOOKING FOR FREEBIES FROM SENIOR BINGO.  I DON'T NEED MORE RACISM THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  SHE WOULDN'T SHUT UP.

I DID MY COMPUTER STUFF AND FOUND A BIG TWO POUND BAG OF CAPE COD KETTLE CHIPS.  DELICIOUS.  TYGJ.

CARE

WHAT I CARE ABOUT IS PEOPLE'S SOULS.  GERDA PUTS UP WITH ROSE'S NONSENSE AND IT ENCOURAGES ROSE TO BE GREEDY.  ROSE KNOWS BETTER AND DOESN'T DO BETTER.  WHEN IT SUITS HER AND SHE SEES AN ADVANTAGE SHE ACTS GENEROUSLY.  BUT SHE ISN'T.  SHE'S CALCULATING.  I'M NOT SURE SHE EVEN HAS CONTROL OVER IT.  IT MAY BE TOO INGRAINED IN HER.  I ONLY KNOW IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM AND MY CONCERN EXTENDS ONLY TO THE IMPACT ON GERDA. 

feeling lonely

I HAVE SO MUCH COMPANY ON THE OTHER SIDE.  I MUST BE BETTER.  I CAN FEEL LONELY.  USUALLY I JUST AVOID FEELING SICK OR TOO MUCH PAIN.  LONELINESS IS A STEP UP.  OR HAVE I ADJUSTED TO THIS LEVEL.  WAIT AND SEE.

I'M FEELING INTIMIDATED BY "AILEEN/"/CINDY NEXT DOOR.  IT MAKES ME SAD.  I LOVE MY SISTERS.  WE SURVIVED CRAZY MOM AND DAD.  BUT THE COST IS SO HIGH.  I'M DOING AND BEING ALL I CAN.  AS I RAISE MY VIBRATIONS I'LL DRAG THEM ALONG.

MY BODY HURTS FROM THE LITTLE BIT I DID YESTERDAY.  I WAS CAREFUL TO WORK EARLY AND GET PLENTY OF REST.

11:13- I DON'T WANT TO GO "HOME".  I WANT TO SIT IN MY CAR AND DO MONOPOLY.  I'M GETTING HUNGRY.  I'M AT LUCKY'S PARKED IN THE SHADE.  I GOT MY FREE TEA.  AND CLEARANCE COCONUT SNACKS.  I COULD HANG OUT HERE.  I'M SO TIRED.

I DID MY SUNDAY ROUTINE OF EXERCISE AND SHOPPING.  I FORGOT SALADS.  BACK TO THE STORE.  I'M FEELING BETTER.

5:30 I'M SLEEPY.  NEXT DOOR PUT OUT THE TREE TRIMMING.  AND IT MAY RAIN. 

I'M DOING MONOPOLY TICKETS.  MAYBE 150. 

WHAT A SILLY GIRL AM I.  I JUST REALIZED I BOUGHT CLEARANCE CHOCOLATE CROISSANTS WHEN I HAVE ALL THOSE FREE COUPONS. 

HEMO THE MAGNIFICENT

1957 FRANK CAPRA.  6TH, 7TH, 8TH GRADES I WATCHED ALONG WITH DONALD DUCK IN MATHMAGIC LAND.  IT GAVE ME MY LOVE OF SCIENCE AND MATH.  I FOUND A CLEAN DVD OF DONALD AT ST J.  AND WHILE INSTALLING MY PANTRY BOOKCASE PURCHASED AT ST J HEMO SWAM INTO MY BRAIN.  IT'S ON YOU TUBE.  HOW EXCITING IS THAT.  I'M A PERSON OF SIMPLE PLEASURES. 

BELL SYSTEMS SCIENCE SERIES.

TOBACCO

PULLS ME INTO MY BODY.  I GUESS BECAUSE IT BECAME PART OF MY DNA IN UTERUS.  MOM'S SECOND HAND SMOKING WHEN SHE WAS LIGHTING DAD'S CHAIN SMOKING WHILE COMPLAINING TO MAKE HIM SEEM UNATTRACTIVE TO OTHER WOMEN.

CRITICISM TEARING DOWN THE LOVE OBJECT TO ENSURE POSSESSION.  MAKE THEM INSECURE, OFF BALANCE, AFRAID TO LEAVE.

I BECOME AWARE OF MY FINGERS AND FEET.  MY EXTREMITIES.  I NEED A REPLACEMENT.  I KNOW THE EFFECTS OF DRYNESS, ALLERGY, AND BEING A NIGHTSHADE PLANT IS BAD FOR ARTHRITIS.  OR MAYBE NOT.  A TINCTURE OF CONTROLLED POISON ANTIDOTE.  I'D LIKE MY ALLERGIES GONE.

I'M SPENDING THE DAY IN BED.  I NAPPED 45 MIN.  I'M COOKING GRASS FED ANGUS BEEF STEW IN THE CROCK POT.

i'm feeling full of dread and fear.  this room has 55 year;s of fear in it.

TWO WEEKS TOO EARLY

I REMEMBERED TOMORROW IS THE FOURTH.  MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH US.  STAR WARS DAY HIS DAD'S BIRTHDAY.  WALTER SR DIED LAST OCTOBER.  IN O'CONNOR'S HOSPITAL.  SO I CALLED HIM FROM SENIORS AND LEFT A MESSAGE SAYING I HOPED HE WAS OK AND I HAD FREE ANTACIDS FOR HIM...  HE APPEARED.  WE HAD A NICE CHAT COMMISERATING.  I GAVE HIM COOKIES AND ALL THE SAFEWAY FREEBIES IN THE FOREVER XXI BAG. 

I DECIDED HE'S ERIC'S REPLACEMENT LITTLE BROTHER.  INGE AND GERDA ARE MY REPLACEMENT SISTERS.

AFTER EXERCISE I WENT TO ST JUSTIN'S AND DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING AND REMEMBERED THE POST ON THE ANNOUNCEMENT BOARD OF THE LOS ALTOS RUMMAGE SALE THIS MONTH,  I WASN'T SURE ABOUT THE HOURS BUT I KNEW IT OPENED 9 AM.  2:30 I DROVE UP AND IT'S IN TWO WEEKS.  I HAD TO LAUGH.

SO DROVE AROUND AND WENT TO MOUNTAIN VIEW GOODWILL THINKING ABOUT CJ, RON BUTLER LOOKING AT ALL THE CHANGES. 

I GOT HOME AT 4 AND RESISTED THE LURE OF THE TV.  I REMEMBERED I HAVE A SMART METER NOW AND ALL USE BEFORE 7 PM IS HIGHER.  I HAVE TO BE AS SMART AS THE METER. 

i need more naps

I COULD TAKE MORE NAPS.  I NEED MORE CARE.

I'M STILL LEARNING HOW TO DO THAT.  I NEVER NEEDED OR GOT THAT FROM ANYONE.  THE BARE MINIMUM TO STAY ALIVE.  HOW MY FAMILY TREATED ME AND I LEARNED TO TREAT MYSELF.  MORE THAN THE MINIMUM MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY.

SHOWER ME WITH GOOD.

I FINALLY TOLD INGA AND GERDA I'D DO FOR THEM BUT NOT NEVER GRATEFUL ROSE.  THE GERDA TELLS ME HOW ROSE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HER AND STILL GERDA IS BENDING OVER BACKWARDS.  PUTTING UP WITH IT IS SELF ABUSE.  IT'S NOT ALRIGHT.

AFTER MOM WAS ABUSED AND NEGLECTED BY MY SISTERS ON HER LAST MOTHER'S DAY I STOPPED DOING WHAT THEY WANTED.  THEY COULDN'T TORTURE MOM ANYMORE.  AND I COULD IGNORE THEIR INSANE DEMANDS.

IT STILL HURTS ME THOUGH.

RETARD

MY FAMILY LOVED TO CALL ME LAZY, SLOW, OVERLY SENSITIVE, UNFEELING, INSENSITIVE, WHATEVER THEY WERE FEELING AT THE TIME.  ALL PROJECTION.  MY CHILDHOOD WAS VERY CONFUSING.

MY MOM LOVED TELLING HOW THEY THOUGHT I WAS RETARDED UNTIL I TESTED GIFTED IN KINDERGARTEN PLACEMENT TESTS.  HOW I WAS SLOW TO WALK WHEN IN HAWAII EVERYONE CARRIED ME.

I DIDN'T TALK, I HAD NOTHING TO SAY.  TRY TALKING IN A CRAZY FAMILY AND SEE WHAT YOU GET.  SLAPPED, PUNISHED.  I STILL DON'T TALK UNLESS I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.  AND THEN I MEASURE MY WORDS AND CONSIDER WHAT I SAY.  I DON'T TALK TO HEAR THE SOUND OF MY VOICE.  I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH THE SOUND OF MY VOICE UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.

aagh!!  I DID IT AGAIN.  I GOT THE CITY UTILITY BILL.  TWO MONTHS OF LEAVING ON LIGHTS.  $200 AND $234.  I'VE BEEN WATCHING DVDS ALL NIGHT WHEN I CAN'T SLEEP AND FORGETTING TO SHUT OFF THE PLAYER WHEN I TURN OFF THE TV AND COMING HOME EARLY AND WATCHING SHOWS.  AND THE LIVING ROOM LIGHT WAS ON AT 11:30.  OH, WELL.  TYGJ I CAN COVER IT.

I'M OK.  ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO FORGIVE MYSELF.  HEY, I'M HUMAN.

I CAN FEEL MY MOTHER'S PROJECTED SELF HATRED.

I TALKED TO KELLY UNTIL THE BOOK MOBILE.  I HAD TO TELL CODY PETE WOULDN'T BE THERE AND I WANTED TO SEE IF HE HAD NEW MOVIES.

I'M PLAYING MORE AND TAKING CARE OF ME.  I WENT TO ST J AND BOUGHT A DRAGON EAR CUFF AND A BIRCH FOLDING PANTRY SHELF $13.08.  IF I'D KNOWN HOW MUCH THE ELECTRIC BILL WAS I WOULDN'T HAVE TREATED MYSELF.  TYGJ.

MY JEALOUS AND VINDICTIVE MOTHER IN ME WOULDN'T HAVE LET ME.