RETARD

MY FAMILY LOVED TO CALL ME LAZY, SLOW, OVERLY SENSITIVE, UNFEELING, INSENSITIVE, WHATEVER THEY WERE FEELING AT THE TIME.  ALL PROJECTION.  MY CHILDHOOD WAS VERY CONFUSING.

MY MOM LOVED TELLING HOW THEY THOUGHT I WAS RETARDED UNTIL I TESTED GIFTED IN KINDERGARTEN PLACEMENT TESTS.  HOW I WAS SLOW TO WALK WHEN IN HAWAII EVERYONE CARRIED ME.

I DIDN'T TALK, I HAD NOTHING TO SAY.  TRY TALKING IN A CRAZY FAMILY AND SEE WHAT YOU GET.  SLAPPED, PUNISHED.  I STILL DON'T TALK UNLESS I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.  AND THEN I MEASURE MY WORDS AND CONSIDER WHAT I SAY.  I DON'T TALK TO HEAR THE SOUND OF MY VOICE.  I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH THE SOUND OF MY VOICE UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.

aagh!!  I DID IT AGAIN.  I GOT THE CITY UTILITY BILL.  TWO MONTHS OF LEAVING ON LIGHTS.  $200 AND $234.  I'VE BEEN WATCHING DVDS ALL NIGHT WHEN I CAN'T SLEEP AND FORGETTING TO SHUT OFF THE PLAYER WHEN I TURN OFF THE TV AND COMING HOME EARLY AND WATCHING SHOWS.  AND THE LIVING ROOM LIGHT WAS ON AT 11:30.  OH, WELL.  TYGJ I CAN COVER IT.

I'M OK.  ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO FORGIVE MYSELF.  HEY, I'M HUMAN.

I CAN FEEL MY MOTHER'S PROJECTED SELF HATRED.

I TALKED TO KELLY UNTIL THE BOOK MOBILE.  I HAD TO TELL CODY PETE WOULDN'T BE THERE AND I WANTED TO SEE IF HE HAD NEW MOVIES.

I'M PLAYING MORE AND TAKING CARE OF ME.  I WENT TO ST J AND BOUGHT A DRAGON EAR CUFF AND A BIRCH FOLDING PANTRY SHELF $13.08.  IF I'D KNOWN HOW MUCH THE ELECTRIC BILL WAS I WOULDN'T HAVE TREATED MYSELF.  TYGJ.

MY JEALOUS AND VINDICTIVE MOTHER IN ME WOULDN'T HAVE LET ME.