harriet tubman.

borrowed the dvd.  the past is so tough.  so much suffering edgar cayce said 6 lives are easy 7th one hard.

birth-8-15-22-29-36-43-50-57-64-71-78-85......

10;46 #4 car senior lunch.  ate carrots almonds waiting.  head start on bills.  couldn't find trans am life wrote out check.  went to usc safeway for inari sushi and free water.  then decided saratoga lucky's free starbuck's nitro none.  home hot tired.  put away weekend food ate lunch.  found trans am life bill set out mail. 

large print mr varg so relaxing.   

my left calf is aching.  it's in my hip, now bottom foot, inner thigh.  i can feel it.  as i stretch the chain circulation relaxes fascia. 

oh to be carefree

i guess that's what dementia is about.  i don't personally know anyone who had a happy childhood.

i went dollar store.  bought pans, pads, mop head.  found pineapple toy i lost tuesday in parking space. 

seniors 10;05 #6.  proceeded to campbell small dollar store, canned soups, veggies.  walked safeway.  ate lunch in car 12;30.  1 pm library picked up holds.  driving home 1;45 time for wilcox; bag chopped lettuce , plums, sliced apples, whole apples, mini rice cheese empanada, 2 milks, 6 onions, russet potatoes, 2 pastry, pbj.  next week last give away. 

cooked lucky burrito and toasted empanada.  so much sugar coma.  fell asleep. 

good day.

today i remember to close the page

i'm feeling restless.  my bum is better.  i'm relaxed.  weird feeling more than one feeling at a time.  i'm not used to it.  my alcoholic upbringing resists.

alcoholism is the ultimate result of bullying.  bullying is the mild acceptable violence encouraged by capitalism competition.  do what you must to get ahead of the next guy.

i finished reading going my own way by gary crosby and was struck between the eyes by page 281 the alcoholic dread of overwhelming impending doom and page 286 alcoholics don't have relationships they take hostages.  the story of my life.  it drove bing crosby to terrorize his boys so that 2 shot themselves and all were alcoholics.

i'm so so excited

best day yet.  i woke at 6, ate my cheerios, brushed my teeth, watched my shows, dollar store i remembered to look for and found aluminum pan for puck oven, arrived seniors 10 #4 car, wrote auntie and mailed it, remembered pick up library holds.  a full day.  a satisfying day.

reading gary crosby's 'going my own way' is so healing.  after the violence i experienced i can understand the decisions i've made.  i can forgive.  they are all dead or i'd let gary crosby know how important the truth is.

bing died '77, lindsay  dennis '89 '91, phil, gary '85.

stiff and sore

all those onion tater puffs (russet potatoes) are so bad for my arthritis but yummy in my tummy.  mondays are tough.

everything i wrote about my sleepless night and god softening up me up to surrender and accept disappeared.  my dream of ex spouse and i going to visit friends and realizing i expected him to be what he wasn't.  i expected the leopards to change their spots.  universal forgiveness.  all gone.

i left the page open, it disappeared and i forgive myself.

e mails preview letter from auntie.  i kept checking garage but no mail.  8 pm i went to retrieve garbage bin and it was outside. 

best

i deserve all good.
9;19 i'm back.  i got my 2 bags, 4 lbs sunny select onion tater puffs.  i'm baking half lb.  425 o 15-20 min.  got peas.  everything put away.

took 5 count 'em 5 minutes to put on car registration tags.  i put screw driver in basket, had alcohol and rag in car, fold up camp chair in garage.  done and done.  i decided to keep chair in trunk.

puffs took twice as long to cook.  so delicious.  better than burger king.  the combination of bacon croissants and i don't need coffee with all the instant walter gave me.  heavenly eating puff by puff watching cesar 911.

i've been projecting my feelings on my family.  watching cesar i realize they don't have feelings like me.

i want

i considered going to main 10 am for 1 dvd or 3 from cupertino 1 pm.  i can return medium 4, 5, simpsons, dolittle, onward.  i considered the 37 cent cans of 5 oz tuna @ homestead.  i can go.  i'll see how i feel.

i'm a little tired.  i spilled double ginger ale on myself.  something new.  finished it.  i had shirt on from watering lilac no harm no foul.  no ham no fowls.  i love puns.  i cooked and ate burger for breakfast.  oh, so good.  i can eat it all.  i had to buy 3 lbs in value pack yesterday for $2.50/lb  price.  so many options.  nasi, cottage pie, meatloaf, meatballs, cabbage rolls, spaghetti etc.  i cooked up some brown rice. 

i ate a ripe banana.  never used to like them ripe before.  too sweet i preferred the tart weird flavor.  like two fruits in one. 

i need the protein for healing.  i read up on fascia yesterday.  as important as brain/nerve cells.  and more prone to injury and pain.

good day.  i went to safeway another dozen cans tuna 2025 exp.  on to cupertino 12;34 watched people and seemed very lackadaisical and disorganized.  read for awhile, got in line done 10 minutes.  lucky's double and bonus points i bought peach pie and brownies.  didn't have peas or tater puffs.  i want puffs.   i have to check saratoga. 

lovely cool heaven

woke 6;30 lovely lucid dream of 101 kittens in cage i release in 3rd bedroom designated cat sanctuary after consulting my partner.  second kitty muscular and grateful.  all me.

watched, followed classical stretch 7;30.  i finally realized there's probably as much fascia as muscle in the body.  that's where most of the damage and short circuiting is occurring.

heaven is feeling good.  appearances change, situations change, heaven can be constant.

9;39 #2 car seniors.  dropped off russets and 3 bags sliced apples at toki's called to advise.

covid virus is a big reset for the planet.  i wonder if people are still being slaughtered en mess.  i always thought the planet was crazy.  re evaluating real importance is a big step toward sanity.  still shocks me cardashians and wanna be's are still so "important" and "impressive".  so manufactured artificial.  maybe people think they too can be transformed into popularity=loved. 

running to happiness

important to leave the past and keep heaven in front of me.  now i understand my injured back is forcing me to really see my situation without judgment or emotion.  like getting on the boat with one foot still on the pier.  they keep dragging me back and i let them.

onward and upward.

hump day

persistent.  consistent.  i'm watching myself like a hawk.

leisurely morning remembered classical stretch, dressed with my favorite gossamer black dress i have 3 tops i can wear.  maybe more.  jamie 15 min meals.

went to walmart 9;17 lawrence got there and waited in line to pay pge.  walked store checkout lines too long. 

67 o feels hot. wet my bandana.  word looks like banana.  9;54 #8 car @ seniors.  healing uses a lot of energy.  i feel tired already.  i've done a lot dealing with tires (tired) nit craig.  when i called to ask about missing chain saw i could hear him kibitzing in the background.  now i know why she married him and dumped neighbor steven flanders.  she can manipulate all three of them.  i couldn't understand why she'd terrorize the boys but now i get it.  when they were young she had them terrified of vampires.  she's an energy vampire.  sucks the heart and soul.

maybe i'll play with soc sec.

thieves

i checked some of the garage.  the detergents are moved around maybe missing i don't know.  they went through my food and made it impossible to reach by moving things in front of the doors.  they put a loaded milk crate with my b b q coal starter in the top. they  pulled out the nails dad used as handles.  more mess to clean up, organize.  my back is iffy and ok.  my heart is bruised from the disrespect.  i expected better from nitzi and craig.  i really feel sorry for craig.  trapped by alien 2.  i feel sorry for me. 

i slept fitfully with my dvd and cd.  i am blessed by god with distractions.  like the washing machine breaking.  i enjoy the ritual of communal laundry.  and nitzi always brought her laundry so mom could do it saying mom's washer was so much better.  nitzi could have bought the same model but wanted mom to do her wash.  and mom never acknowledged she was being used.  like nitzi dropping off her kids to be babysat.  i wonder if she was cheating on craig like alien was cheating on larry.  seems reasonable now.  when dad had prostate cancer 1989 the evil schadenfreude twins traded off weekends.
i'd disappear.

cheaters cheat everyone. spouse, kids, everyone.  they'll cheat everyone around them.  if they'll cheat those closest to them friends acquaintances don't have a snowballs chance in hell.  it's just a question of time before they're betrayed.

i'm hoping when i learn and accept the lessons i can leave.  i used to dread having to abandon them.  not anymore.

i have to keep reminding myself to slow down, take it easy.  i'm feeling manic.  i remembered to fill gas, seniors 9;35 #2 car, then i went to lucky's saratoga for eggs, as i was leaving i remembered i wanted wild tuna steak and bought frozen van de camps.

i cooked 10 fillets and ate them for dinner and lunch.  i'm pickling red onion. 

schadenfreude sisters 7/20/20

delighting in the misfortune of others should love watching each other go down in flames.

1984-5 nitzi refused to help me move to gilroy having too much to hide.  alien never bothered hiding her sins preferring to shock and awe.  mom's idea since nitzi lived in gilroy and alien lived in prunedale.

i looked in hollister where they filmed the wild one-1953, marlon brando, san juan batista, and gilroy.  i couldn't rent without a job and couldn't get a job without an address so for a couple weeks i commuted from san leandro to gilroy macdonalds.  the only bright spot being riding my honda 350-4 bike.

gilroy was the best riding country.  except for the bugs at dusk and dawn.

i'm taking a lovely do nothing day.  i remembered to pay city, and discover and renewed 2 books, whew.

inside i feel the same, better even.  outside i'm working on me.

nesia

poly- micro- map of the pacific is fascinating.  we're all little islands.

i'm running from mitzi towards my future filled with love.

i must have done a crap job raising her.  i was only 5 years older.  aileen made it into a competition and she's won.  mitzi never took care of mom either.  she's taking care of aileen like i told her.  maybe.  or she's playing aileen like she did mom.

10;41 mitzi calls from unknown number, knocks on door.  wants me to open garage door.  message says she can't get through weeds.  no way mit, when i needed help she couldn't be bothered.  she refused to drive me when i had exploratory operation.  she sneaked to my pre op doctors appointment when it might have been cancer.  i've always done everything asked of me when i could.  i can't keep doing this to myself.  and i'm clear i gave them permission to continually take advantage...

now i understand the lesson.  my back is vibrating.  this and no more.  if they'd helped with yard no problem.  if she'd helped with mom.  she broke mom's heart.  after dad died both evil daughters refused to take mom in.  when dad was sick both offered.

11;39 adrenaline rush i caught her stealing my fold up wheel barrow just as she was loading it in the back.  i yelled when she takes my stuff it's twice as hard to replace if i can even find one.  she said she didn't know, well she didn't ask.  she left 12 pk panda t p and donut.  gave me 2019 lam research journal as apology.     i don't want need the aggravation.  25 inch chain saw now 14 " anchor weighs a ton.  i called her on her new number picked up on second call and of course they have 'no idea'.  craig left the cloth covers and nets and holder.

she could have offered to bring me lunch.

i've been projecting myself onto nitzi.  she's not who i've hoped and believed her to be.  i've been foolishly believing her to be a better person.  she isn't.  i always do this and disappoint myself.

still relaxed.

i woke 5;30 watched dr dolittle 2020 ate breakfast bar fell asleep 'til 8.  i stayed calm knew what i was wearing.  dressed took off 8;30 1 block i realized i forgot to wear back brace turned around put on brace.  decided to drive expressway arrived 7 minutes early.  done by 9;17 on to big safeway.  parked in shade perused 3 carts of clearance bought 3 knorr's heat and

so many great movies on today;
wendell baker story 2005; the owen brothers.  stuart saves his family1995; al franken.  hopscotch 1980; walter matthau. 

i'm stuart.  we see ourselves in our favorite stories.  we connect to ourselves.  we reclaim a lost part of ourselves.  i always felt they were afraid i'd abandon them. 

7;36 mitzi called 4 minute conversation about she wants dad's fishing gear and mom's clay pots.  mom used plastic but aileen left 6 inch clay in the backyard.  she said she didn't know where her key is and wants to only look in the garage.  one of them was here tuesday messing with mom's mini urn spilled it left atop the bookcase off its second shelf base and the sliding door unlocked.  so she wants me to leave back garage door unlocked. 

21

right eye-left ear from the stroke or whatever at 21 on birth control pills.

it just feels too weird not having to do anything.  my life sentence of doing for others.  i feel exonerated.  what did i do right?

i watched jamie and arrived seniors 9;33 car #1.  i'm finally #1 in my life.  lunch was tiny i'm still hungry.  i have apples and peanut butter.  olive mushroom noodles.  i can add tuna.  all that milk for fake bechamel sauce.  wow!

i have the urge to pick up my holds.  i usually only go out once a day.  new behavior.

i enjoyed city no customers at 1 pm.  ez-pz.  on to campbell 2 people.  homestead safeway looked for dollar utensil caddy and clearance zero.   i can go big safeway scb-lx tomorrow after am tires check.

i wanted dvd player for kitchen and remembered walter's portable.  huzzah.

i'm managing

my tummy's upset and i feel like i'm sitting on a hump.  8 minutes to seniors 9;47 #3.  i love orderliness, accounting, graphs, feeling relaxed.  i remembered 7;30 classical stretch this morning.  i missed tuesday, wednesday but the reception was spotty due to weather so maybe i just missed frustration.  miranda esmonde-white reminded that only relaxed bodies get the full benefit of exercise.  i still wonder why bodies tighten during sleep.  i can only sleep 5-6 hours and my body is so tight and sore.  my hips took a full half hour of stretching before rising.  and i can't do anything without my brace.  i watered lilac and buckets.  my favorite way of cleaning.  last night i made pasta using bottled garlic aioli sunny select (pacific coasr garlic alfredo) sauce too floury so this morning i washed everything.  i'm feeling good about this.

i received car reg sticker last night so i'm ok for 2 years on that front.  i could do it now but i prefer to use a chair to save my back.  i have the rest of this month.  tried paying consumer cellular weak signal won't load.  wiki'd mario lanza worked fine.  then consumer worked.  go figure.

i drove past scott laundry to check reception.  light was green for most of commute hence 8 minutes.  another day.  that's new behavior response.  pain is cycling through my body.

i decided to mail pch.  sometimes mailman doesn't come.  i can drive and drop off.

10;50 motorcycle fuzz here.  they showed up all this week making me miss the freedom of riding.  i don't miss the maintenance.  i don't know if physically i could handle a 300 lb bike.

i went to wilcox food pick up 3 onions, 4 nectarines, 3 bags cut apples, bag black plums, bag chopped romaine hearts, 2 c. bags baby carrots, 2 pints milk, 2 lbs bag russet potato, 1 personal cheese pizza 3 min, 1 tiny cabo bean burrito, 2 min.-rest 15 sec-30 sec-rest 1 min before eating.

4 am

i stayed in bed watching dr. dolittle listening to secret.  awoke feeling anxious lonely.  from doing a little too much.  too tired = flashback to past.  body remembers panics and tries to protect.

my hands are stiff painful arthritis, my left ribs are so sore like a fresh injury. 

lunch was good.  nice sized cabbage roll.  9;40 #5 car.  decided to remove shampoos since i won't be going to the gym anytime soon.

1;41 feeling better as long as i keep moving.  now i know why i misplaced green suede remodel skirt dress.  this morning i found 2 pocket pairs one the perfect shade of blue.  i safety pinned the bodice and skirt together looks so good.  i do want pockets.

scott laundry.

i'm feeling tired and sleepy.  it's a miracle; i'm a miracle.  i don't know how i've managed the past 20 years.   i think i forced myself yard work, repairs hoping i'd just drop dead.  well i'm still here.

now i'm wondering what i want to do next.  i found the mirror i misplaced.  i put it behind the kitchen tv against the wall.  i'm doing better.

i worry about things when i'm cared for.  pulling out the laundry from the car i used the remote that was dead.  i could feel the battery was dead no energy.  so i ate tiny lunch, hung the wet clothes, looked in my battery drawer and voila, fixed.  like the right brake light spare i had in the trunk from the old car.  and this morning one of my many clocks needed a regular one.  god is good to me.  always.

momma confided in me the bookstore was stealing from her.  people always confide in me.  confess to me.   i never know what to say or do.  i usually do nothing.

did scott laundry morning and showered, washed della molded flops 8 pm.

i feel good

and i resisted going manic and making myself feel badly.  which i consider a big win and a great step for me. 

i put out garbage and checked my porch plants. 

i took my time loading the laundry.  i resisted rushing off to the laundromat, went early to seniors and read the magazines i got friday.  autism and ww 2.  i relaxed.  i actually rested.  i'm still not sleeping as well as i'd like but i can live with that.  i have to. 

lunch was one 4" x 1/4" slice of breaded eggplant=aubergine, 1 tbs sauce, 1/2 cup of dry pasta, cup of peas carrots.  i supplemented with cheetos and chips watching pink panther. 

washed my feet in cool water.  feels so good.  pampered.

nap attack.

back is better

reading roald dahl bio on wiki makes me wonder the point of being good.  he did what he wanted.  maybe that's the point to living.  live my own life not what others say is being good.

watching commercial on homeless kids i wasn't allowed comfort when family around and i was taught outside the family wasn't allowed.  during cesar 911 in singapore.  asians are such good students submissive and eager to please.

ring of gyges.  psychology today on happiness.  eudaimonia = supreme good.  ataraxia = lack of disturbance or trouble. 

marcus aurelius meditations:

               1) power over thoughts
               2) external pain is thoughts
               3) happiness = quality of thoughts
               4) fear = never having lived
               5) therefore happiness is within an inside job

only one week

monday i hurt my back and needed canes to manage and today i'm better.  i can get up without leaning on a cane.  not too much pain.

i'm having a lovely day.  i went to santa clara dollar store, drop off and pick up at main library, burger king croissants 2x tots so delicious.   fun, fun, fun.  watching sleeping beauty and charlie and the chocolate factory.  while baking the salmon. 

washed car windows

8 am.  lovely cool.  65 o.  charged phone ready for library pick up.  i'm doing ok. 

i had a lovely dream this morning.  sets the tone for the day.  hopeful. 

it wasn't as hot as projected.  i parked on shade and returned, picked up holds and renewed my card.

chocolate day

saw it on dabl tv jamie oliver.  a bright spot in a pain wracked week.  wracked wrecked.  can only get better.  i'm using 2 canes to get around.  2014 my right leg collapsed also 4th july week.  kaiser pt pooh poohed until she saw deep purple bruise running the length of my hip thigh.  she gave me wood cane and lessons.

entirely me.  yesterday i put out 3 bins, fixed, installed car solar fan sans belt.  i just did way too much.

what a rush

didn't know what i was going to do this morning.  drove past seniors to pay citibank saratoga.  went to lucky's bought chips and oreo cupcakes for bonus points.  when chips didn't register store manager tried to add couldn't gave me dollar=100 points instead.  i used potty extra roll paper.

mitzi and craig installed outdoor garage light kept coming on.  staying on one month it cost me $300 additional electricity on utility bill.  i went outside and couldn't nudge it off so i got plastic step and when i stood on it it started cracking i thought it'd be ok but it shattered a hundred pieces and i stayed on my feet.

my left hip and right hip are still messed up but the adrenaline numbs them a little.  i got the ladder and shifted the detector.  hopefully it's ok.  i'm ok.  not stressing.

i love being a happy child

i'm watching chitty chitty bang bang book by ian fleming.

i'm eating rice, beef, cauliflower for breakfast.  delicious.  had some for lunch with b-b-q sauce even better.  dinner ramen with chopped romaine.  yahoo!!

right hip was screaming at me for yesterday activity.  so painful i could scream.  left hip so bad i could barely walk.  i stretched it was a little better.  willow helped a little.  feet tingling.  i have to lean forward putting my hands on my knees and walk my hands up my thighs to be able to stand.  my back is weak
my muscles so weak and painful.

getting enough rest

the most important part of raising myself.  i stay in bed 'til 8, dress and putter around.  doin' what i want to do.  crucial to a happy child.

omg!!  i'm feeling mom's frustration and anger.  senior center stole ice cream cup substituted 1 safeway cookie.  fourth of july treats.  not the first time not the last.  she got angry not because of what's right but because she didn't get the treat.  an adult knows there's more and can get as much as they want.  no reason for anger.  i haven't wanted a cigarette 'til today.  6 months. 

mom aileen mitzi have so much and want everything that's mine.  they will  never be happy with what they have. 

i have so much. 

getting understanding

bible says with all thy getting get thee understanding.  all the wealth in the world stays here.  inner wealth is forever.  becomes a new vibration.  our souls, spirit, unique electro magnetic field must exist somewhere in space time.  energy can be changed but not destroyed.  we can allow others to change our energy signature or maintain and enhance our spirit.  that's the real freedom.  the only true freedom.

mankind has been living backwards.  man allowed greed=devil to rule.  devil is literally lived backwards; devil lived.  evil is live backwards; live evil.  palindromes.  global warming is only one indication.  species extinctions another.  viral mutations a third.  nature is inevitable.  rather than battling nature which can't be done we have to learn to live within nature, the earth is our mother.  it's not like we have anywhere else to go.