whee!!!

yesterday i made and ate veg soup to balance the treats.  and i feel good.  i woke 4;30 watched stretch stretching for 2 hours falling asleep 'til 7.

i'm feeling better about dentist and i've enough gum for the week.

i called justin at mission my chrome is due 2 days.   there's a hold but no new checkouts so he's checking policy.  call him 2 days.  i may have to buy one.  central librarian suggested keeping it and paying to buy.  that's what i want to do secret cd's.  huh.

eggplant parmagiani pretty good.  penne oily peas i added mayo.

i emailed justin renewed chrome 9/21 thanked him.  he acknowledged.  i wasn't sure how to do it.  he got it.

showered washed hair.  trimmed nails.

dinner i went nob hill 4 inari sushi $5.  cooked potato add veg soup.  dessert cake donut lemon curd yummy.

counting my blessings

i thank god trump inflicted only covid on america.  not sars, bird, swine, ebola etc....

every other president even the bushes kept america safe.  they put human lives above money.  not trump.  along with burying his head in the sand he's buried 180,000 lives so far.  everything about trump is a 5 yr old.  selfish self-serving.  everyone around him in danger of being consumed.  he'll throw anyone everyone under bus.
****************

i'm feeling insecure baby.  waiting for someone to take care of me.  abandoned alone.  now i can take of me.  i cooked 3 eggs medium in toshiba auto.  perfect.  ate 4 almond bites.  breakfast was cheerios with milk yogurt.  2 days turns milk to yogurt.  my experiments.

lovely cool i rinsed front and back car windows.  i dug up and planted volunteer lavender transplanted pineapple.  watered lilac.  filled car water bottles.

i did a lot of sewing yesterday.  today i've done enough.

stretch

and sit and be fit.  woke in time for both.  and it hasn't been preempted.   frequently weekends are money making pledge drives why i no longer pledge.  if the programs i watch aren't on i won't vote for them with my hard earned dollars.  i've been disappointed too many times.

dream i had of covid wiping people off the earth as a mistake.  the percentage of compassionate too low to sustain being here.

eating my way to heaven

almond bites, cherry turnovers, donuts, corn bread with chili egg land egg cream cheese.  i have a theory the more sugar we eat the more natural children wiggle and run around.  we get trained to be 'good' quiet motionless kids.  let go let the god within play.

good day.  woke 6 stayed in bed watching pink panther cartoons 'til 6;50 to watch split second and stretch.  i'm loving taking my time.  i get to dress in leisure wearing whatever i want no one sees.  8;30 cooking with jamie.

i went to homestead no sushi walked store ended buying 4 2-liter cokes.  9;50 #5 in line i walked park.  so much more oxygen.  that's why people feel refreshed in nature more oxygen.  if we centralize meals, baths, showers limiting private areas we can increase green areas.   

even easier

just occurred to me fitness is just stretching.  kids don't exercise they play.  they run around.  animals don't exercise they play.

the more relaxed the pose the more stretching the muscles.  tight muscles can't stretch flooding the body with fresh circulation.

most exercise is counter productive.  work keeps us healthy.  people die 2 years after retiring.  they stop a scheduled life of movement.  work is relaxed.  known patterns familiar people no surprises.  work is easy.  work is relaxing.

let go let god

i finally measured the straps to add with buttons.  i have to remember to offset the buttons so the straps stay in place.  then i can make any skirt into a shirt or dress.

lovely cool today.  i'm amazing myself how i'm keeping busy.

toss turn

stayed in bed 8;25 forgot supplements yesterday.  more tired from saturday clean up and ok no pain just discomfort.

easy eggwich

yesterday toshiba egg cooker today easy eggwich.  i made brown rice in turkey dish to clean and ate with eggs.  the sushi soy packet is the perfect single serve size.

still so smoky.  slight effect breathing.

9 am i'm feeling tired.  i put out bins checked porch plants.  lack of oxygen.

checked campbell library web walk up open.  called to confirm from campbell dollar store and safe way 50 cent bargains.  long line from shut down.  took jumanji home rest relaxation.  cupertino later.

taking care me

for the first time in my life i feel my sore waist.  left and right.  balanced.  i considered going to lucky's freebie but parking a hassle neighbors.  i don't really want another caffeine drink.  i have so much walter's instant coffee. 

so smoky

my lungs feel it.  i left page open disappeared.

frustration

not a good time for wheel of fortune to change website.  just took me half hour to re register.  it's also a day behind.

i'm feeling wrung out.  weak as a newborn.  there's just no oxygen.  i'll have to buy some.  God always provides solutions before the problem.  oxygen water will help.  i wonder if target has but too tired to explore.  i do want safe way sushi.  and freebie lucky's.

dressed and arrived seniors 10;03 #7 car.  young going about their business.  my eyes stinging.  glad i remembered wet towel and wet neckerchief today.  forgot yesterday lack of oxygen i suppose.

trump is criticizing ca fires.  he's so out of touch.  probably never did manual labor in his life.  he probably thinks everything on tv is made up.  he has no grasp of reality unless it's his game show that was produced and managed so real life eludes him.  sad to think he'll learn nothing from his life.  i wonder if any part of him is real.

city library announced closure on web.

so sore

my body neck jaws teeth.  from tension tuesday.  i forgot to take passion kava. 

tcb

i paid discover ready pge walmart.  a million details.  car needs gas.

dr david makes a lot of sense.  vague feelings of disquiet are pre verbal danger signals triggered by past family experience waiting for the other shoe to drop.  my childhood was scary and unhappy of course the warning system is still protecting me.

sunnier than i expected.  i hoped all the santa cruz smoke i can smell would cool the temp but no.  4 major fires.

i filled car, went to seniors, walmart paid pge and checked medicare freebies.  h2o2 only 88 cents costs a dollar at $tore.  huh.  drove to campbell noon ate my lunch leisurely.  1 pm waited for library to open.  people drove up drove away.  i returned judy walk up closed due to poor air quality.  so i couldn't pick up jumanji.  i felt cheated bait and switch like mom adding on chores for 5 measly dollars.  nothing on web about arbitrary closing.. 

so i drove to seniors for cooling got there before 1;30 opening.  96 in the shade.  i asked to watch fire news.  newbie scotch woman irritating constantly talking to her wheelchair man without mask sat 4 feet from me.  i moved.  he rolled away from her too.  she'd repeat the cc minutes after on screen as if she knows something.  first time she did it i said yeah i read it.  when they left i moved back.  leaving  6 pm 91 o by time home 85.  much better.  still one day chicken dinner.

comfort#1

split second my current favorite fame show.  channel  2.4  that was weird.  my typing disappeared.  and now it's good.  and it did it again highlighted in blue.

sweating morning to night like in hawaiian islands.

i reveled celebrated being healthy strong.  i want to feel wonderful again forever.  i never minded helping others moving and cleaning.  i was comfortable.

sleep beautiful sleep.  no  pain.  no problems.  all drugs mimic sleep.

turning down screen brightness conserves energy battery time.

i believe i'm ready.  i brought in rolling cart from clean up collecting yesterday across from #3 spot in line for in front of pantry.  i wiped it down outside covered in sticky furniture polish.  i'm planning what goes where.  my body is aching in new areas.

dentist went well.  45 minutes still numb at 6.  i went to seniors cooling 96 o at 5 when i left.  2 bottles water. 

i'm cooking onions and potatoes for the chicken i cooked yesterday. 

5;30

dream of depressed mop dog.  he's in large box with tupper ware full of dried beef treats.  i work on connecting and cheering.  it's what i do.  raising spirits.

dry lightning storm.

woke me 4;30.  i'm watching flashes and counting distance.  it's raining 5;14.  and stopped.

woke me to remember ex and nit did exactly same behavior when they killed my parakeets at 16 and 21.  so weird i picked ex unconsciously for exactly same behavior.  i guess i never forgave her.  i thought i did.  i certainly forgot it.  i wonder if i've ever loved or just attracted and attached to the familiar.  it totally explains destructive dysfunctional relationships.  harville hendrix so right.

consciously i create heaven.  i deserve love and respect.  love is not enough.  love can be dysfunctional.  i've lived through and survived.  i don'r want or need it.  i want and deserve love and respect.  i am best me i deserve best love and support to flourish.

george and tom youngest nit.  ex glen oldest alien.  i deserve middle perfectly imperfect ecstatically blissfully happy life.

*******************

like living in a sauna.  i feel like God is sweating all toxins out of my body.  i'm so relaxed.  i know ir's sunday but it feels timeless.  i'm drinking gallons of water.

this weird weather so hot.  the planet has a fever.
********************

baby tom called.  i'm feeling angry abandoned unsupported.  he never had my back with my sisters.  he took me to my operation and arranged i stayed with della his sister.  he took me to emergency.  bought me supplies food.  he's had things stored in garage all this time.  i had decided if he called before clean up i'd tell him if he wanted to get rid of things or next year.  it's something for him to do friday. 

i don't know i turn it over to God.

too hot wave

the years i spent bed ridden unable to move barely alive ready to die.  i didn't feel hot or cold just numb.  and i had no income 'til mar 2004. 

happy eating kettle chips.  didn't want to go seniors stayed in.  consulted city website seniors open mon-wed 1;30-7. 

took sleeves off tees.   much more comfortable.  cooler. 

had ramen with tuna eggs cabbage tomato. 

friday 14th 100 o

it's hot.  it was 99 f when i got home.  last night i checked city posts cooling center seniors 1-7 pm. 

2 yr old

toddlers are proud of their bodies unless suppressed.  they learn shame disguised as modesty.  it's a traditional weapon of control and suppression.

i want bacon

i already ate cheerios and fruit cocktail i forgot to eat yesterday.  took my supplements to keep me supple.  watched essentrics dvd.  miranda's daughter sahra has a beautifully lean supple body.  now i know why mom and my sisters hated me.  mom taught them and now they are habituated.  alien cried once during a phone conversation 1986 when i was living in gilroy she in prunedale.  she didn't know why she was mean to me and couldn't be nicer.  after a lifetime i was used to it.  callused numb to the pain.
someone may be cooking bacon i seem to smell or it could be my imagination.  eh.
slept pretty good.  or well.  woke at 5 am my current set point.  thinking of Amy Kyo-chan.  hi.  i wonder what horrors she and mom endured together that bonded them.
9;56 am waiting in seniors lunch line feeling sore from rearranging trunk.  bending and stooping.

tailbone changes

i'm feeling better.  i have my 9;30 to do something about my tooth.  i made an appointment 9/18 for care more yearly check up answering wellness call crystal.   got 3 letters from soc sec.  i'm feeling ok.

woke at 5 and stretched in bed.  lying on my right and stretching my left seemed to really help.  ate my cereal brushed my teeth.  watching classical.

we'll see.

i went to dollar store for ramen, mouthwash, socks, chips and wire brush to clean off door mat.  i got to advanced dental 9 and looked for back rest used rolled towel.  i was still feeling anxious took 2 kava 2 passion.  by 9;30 i was better.  it went great.  37 year old cap.  i'll get porcelain to match the rest.  next week 8/18 2 pm i get temporary while lab makes permanent.  waiting for authorization from liberty dental to continue procedure. 

people die from a lack of energy

love and hate are forms of electrical energy like thoughts are electrical charges traveling along synapses.
as long as there's an exchange, a flow of energy, electrical movement there's life.

death is that singular energy changing to another level of vibration like electrons jumping from one ring to another, changing atomic structure.  we eat, consume matter, a solid form of electrons and our bodies transform food, metabolize back into usable free energy to replace cells repair the body.

death is energy evolving, moving from one dimension to another.
death is jumping into the ocean not walking through a doorway into another room.

everything man defines living is merely vibrating at a discernible, measurable rate.  rocks, plants  everything composed of atoms is also immeasurably constantly changing form.

atoms unite us and separate us.  we are all composed of atoms in discrete forms.

oh,yeah

i'm upset.  i slept maybe 2 hours.  i watched classical essentrics dvd and then 'the year dolly parton was my mom'.  i saw it maybe 10 years ago when it was at the library.  the quest i'm on finding my place living my purpose.  what attracted me and placed it in my heart was discovering dolly parton wrote 'love is like a butterfly'.  it was the theme song to a britcom i watched religiously 1984 maybe trying to make sense of my 'marriage'.

the thing with my tooth i'm surviving.  teeth represent sustenance.  i've always taken immaculate care of my teeth.  1995 or 6 when dad had his medication overdose resulting in heart failure i ground my teeth in my sleep and lost 2 molars the remaining crowns.  (my 4 wisdom teeth were impacted and removed by age 21.)  therefore more anxiety. 

i looked up geoffrey palmer and found the series was called 'butterflies.'

i changed my mind.  i planned to redeem 4 reward offers at lucky's.  pampering myself is more important.  this is new.  i'm still uncertain.  i'm resting and napping.

6;30 am i was watching classical stretch fell asleep met eric on the beach where i gave and received a big hug.  so real.  tygje.  i was feeling so sad remembering before june 13 2017.

my paranoia kicked in and i started thinking the tooth cement might be poisoning me.  another loop up the spiral.  old emotions stored in the body during dangerous times.

i've been reading dec-jan blogs.  i'm growing.  when i see where we were and where we are now it's like another planet.

happy

i used to want to be married but i forgot to specify happily.  everything is better shared.  good or bad. 

i'm watching 'the bad seed' 1956 patty mccormack.  mom convinced alien she was the bad seed and alien claimed to be the devil 2001 after mom died.  so sad.  i wonder if mom remembered. 

i spent a peaceful afternoon.  6 my Dr. john woo steel crown came off.  cement failed.  i rinsed it in mouthwash and put it in container.  chewing gum probably stressed it too.  lasted 35 years.  i wonder if they can glue it back or make a new one.  i called liberty dental emergency and it was an answering service only.  a call back monday.  5-5 p s t.  no online appointments. so i'll make a list of possible offices.  or not.  i can trust in God.  i feel calm.  only tomorrow and monday. 

new old hurts

they keep stealing from me.  i noticed some of my juice bottles were missing.  and my big bag of big tees.  alien move.  oh, well.  it hurts that they do it.  dr david says another opportunity to heal.  another opportunity to forgive.

reading about feelings is easier than feeling. 

9;46 #6 seniors i planned grocery went to scu safeway for inari sushi and gorton's fish my free tp and flour tortillas.  lucky's has double points. 

i dropped off cantaloupe slice and milk at toki's and forgot to call.  she thanked me 4;48 and we chatted 41 minutes.  i don't know how she does life.  if i didn't have my many searches and books and movies i'd be lost. 

i ate lunch and my sushi for dessert.  i cleaned the cabbage and made ginger juice.  i lay down for 2 hours. 

odd overcast day

lovely cool.  i must have gotten overly excited yesterday.  it's like i have 2 brothers in art and walter.  since interaction is limited they seem perfect.  'from a distance' the world looks blue and green and the snow capped mountains white.  bette midler sang it as a ballad.  the first time i heard it was on the car radio pulling into the winchester gym i won a year membership in a mall drawing.  played by a rock band i instantly loved it.  i thought i waited months but it was 1990 years later.

i had done a 3 month vision quest and ended with the worst flu.  i prayed for answers and the free gym membership showed up in the mail the next morning.  i was living radio ave in willow glen.  also where i started karaoke.  hmm...

i fell asleep and missed 4;15 bell ringing remembrance for cupertino sister city toyokawa 75 year atomic bombings.

cheerios

pork and onions for breakfast.  just remembered to take supplements.  i woke 3 am.  fell asleep 10 and i feel more refreshed if i sleep before midnight.  counts double.  5 hours for now is ok with naps later.  or movies and rest.

happy childhood.

watching judy renee zellweger.  so good i cried.  she never had a childhood.  never had a mother just people who used her to make themselves more money, power.

covid the great equalizer

watching 'blossom' mayim bialek i missed the nineties.  my clothes reflect the style of that time.  so much of my wardrobe.  i moved home 1989 to care for mom and dad.  all their parents died of cancer.  dad's dad hung himself in the front yard when diagnosed.  i gave up my life to care for two people who never loved, were co dependent.  no wonder they hated me.  the only people who will love me can love.  many people are basically animals living by herd instincts.  they will distrust hate anyone everyone unlike themselves.  alien and nit.  mom and dad.

my right side which represents the present is tight and weak.  my throat, neck, allergies are crying for attention.  still haven't smoked.  haven't dreamed of smoking.  91-92 when 'blossom' was on tv i quit smoking going to nicotine anon.  i was working at unity palo alto community church as the receptionist.  6 1/2 years of college bachelors in business.  i put myself and ex spouse through sjsu.  there were lots of great experiences during this time and i dated men i learned i didn't want, learning who i did want.  i met john bradshaw, deepak choprah, james dillet freeman etc.

i noticed driving around everyone is equal no matter money, cars, jobs, age.  everyone is equal.

i decided to try to respond to the social security letter i received yesterday tried to apply online for retirement and went round and round.  i checked 2015 and called helpline.  kim helped me.  i have an equifax block probably from discover blocking online account.  kim set up phone appointment with campbell office thursday.  everything still closed to public.

i'm so proud of me.

infant

i woke in flashback.  flashbacks all night.  i'm still hurting.  mom would sit me on rattan couch knowing i wouldn't move.  the rattan will bite my infant flesh.  i'd get so pain filled sitting in one position afraid to move i'd cry.  eventually someone would come get me.  that's what i know; to wait until i can no longer tolerate the pain.  there's no one for me.  crying for help is punished.

going back to the beginning my anxiety depression is less.  my stomach hips are relaxing.  i can breathe.  no tobacco smoke.

i don't want to do anything.  today i don't have to do anything.  i'm not hungry thirsty.  i'm feeling stunned.  exhausted.

i thank god i have a routine.  i went seniors 9;46 #5 car.  mailed pch entry, main library drop off sonic pick up judy, chase withdrawal cu deposit, noon ate lunch cupertino drop off sonic 1776 harriet pick up murder he says trolls lucy and home 1;46 everything put away.

how perfect is that.

i'm ok

with getting what i want.  feels weird and good.  i deserve good.  i deserve fun.

watching cesar 911 reminded me of my exhaustion, worry, unending stress for 12 years taking care of dad because mom never let him learn how to care for himself.  she was the perfectly lethal co- dependent.  two dependent half people do not make a whole anything just two crippled half people.  i'm so habituated to doing.  being feels foreign.

the unrelenting worry and stress for 12 years straight then worrying about mom committing suicide again.  until mom finally did by not taking her meds mothers day 2001.  then alien and nit threatening illegal eviction and insane harassment for another 7 years..  and nit still lying to me and herself for the last 13 years.  such a crazy family and world.  i never thought it would result in covid.  the underlying alcoholic rot.

cd player is malfunctioning and headset quit.  good thing i have so many ear buds.  i tried portable dvd player works fine but i worry about burning viewing screen.  i'll check target for player.

i toasted 2 sandwiches for lunch and dinner with my home made pickled onions so good.

getting what i want

i watched split second 7;30-830 didn't remember it was just on.  i wanted noodles for breakfast with lettuce veggies.  lettuce is machine cut.  threw out old.  it was delicious.  added sheer curtain to front window.  i'm waiting for pch cross necklaces by ups.  it's going on 3 weeks since i ordered.  i'm excited.

i went to luckys 8;30 for free.cold brew nitro starbucks.  walked half of store and realized i forgot mask in car.  it's still so weird.  4 months covid.  i had picked up wipes at front and used those.  i went out to car donned mask.  bought clearance pork chop $2.24 found coffee. 

lunch was cottage pie=hamburger, peas, mash.  i added my pickled onions so good. 

browsed just 4 u loaded free roll kleenex or petalo tp exp 9/30.  makes me wonder what i've missed.