with getting what i want. feels weird and good. i deserve good. i deserve fun.
watching cesar 911 reminded me of my exhaustion, worry, unending stress for 12 years taking care of dad because mom never let him learn how to care for himself. she was the perfectly lethal co- dependent. two dependent half people do not make a whole anything just two crippled half people. i'm so habituated to doing. being feels foreign.
the unrelenting worry and stress for 12 years straight then worrying about mom committing suicide again. until mom finally did by not taking her meds mothers day 2001. then alien and nit threatening illegal eviction and insane harassment for another 7 years.. and nit still lying to me and herself for the last 13 years. such a crazy family and world. i never thought it would result in covid. the underlying alcoholic rot.
cd player is malfunctioning and headset quit. good thing i have so many ear buds. i tried portable dvd player works fine but i worry about burning viewing screen. i'll check target for player.
i toasted 2 sandwiches for lunch and dinner with my home made pickled onions so good.
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