freebies

i have safe way $5 , egg bites and at lucky's teddy's ginger ale or root beer.  i'm feeling so calm and quiet i don't want to move or maybe moderate air quality lack of oxygen.  

9;55 i'm suddenly motivated.  dressed and out the door to lucky's i got the last root beer and clearance pork.  supposed to get delivery later today but who knows.  drove back way iris to wolf to maria safe way. i walked all over store looking for 3 bridges egg bites meat dept, egg section, finally in deli section.  decided on 2 seafood green salads.  checked clearance nothing.  $2.98.  good day.

came home to find bag of oatmeal raisin cookies from toke.  she left last eve i didn't notice hyper focused on store mission.  i called to thank her talked half hour.  then noon cathy called thanks for perfect cat socks and her only halloween card.  so i know auntie got her goofy face socks.  she had a stroke last week tests this week.  she had mini stroke before in beauty char she was out 15 seconds.  this time she slept and went doctor next day.  she gets results next week she said she'd call i'll see.  

i'm igor

i've been the monster everyone used because they don't have to respect a monster.  people create by labeling monsters to dehumanize the used.  call them slaves, servants, different, odd, crazy, stupid.  no guilt because they're not considered equals.  eva makes the sun come out as annie singing 'tomorrow' like the song.  scamper learns to respect brain/brian.  jaclyn/heidi jekyll/ hyde reverts to her hunchback reality.  igor realizes it's better to be a good nobody than an evil somebody.  

4 pm i still haven't put away weekend sandwiches.  i stuck the bag in the cold store room.  

i went dentist 10 dr weihle very fast.   i explained my back and neck and she took half hour to cement #13 tooth and prep #15.  i paid $350 half cost.  second half in two weeks.  

huh

 it disappeared.  i thought i had it figured out.  

i spent the day taking care.  i went $tore for chips, mouthwash, clearance water. no h202.  i want need glucosamine too.  

lunch was weird cottage pie, roll, broccoli.  hamburger was mexican with mash.  

i'm stressing about meeting dentist, daniell weihle tomorrow.  my aspergers dread of change.  even good change is stress.     

it's back.

barren

this house is empty of happiness.  i'm clearing the energy, neutralizing the depression.  that's what i've done everywhere i've lived.

i woke at 5 so uncomfortable i stretched, wiggled, wriggled on my stomach for half an hour to get up.  i had flashbacks of first house haunted by previous tenants depression and violence.  left over energy dictated our behavior.  makes me nauseous thinking about it.  i'll think of something else.  

scary.  

earth should have been named denial.  deniers are the most materially successful unhampered by reality allowed to create from imagination.  

jiggling the cursor triggers saving post.

i wish i wish i wish for world peace so i will live in peace all around me.  

i wore my white ethnic dress.  it still fits.  eh, labor day.

i arrived senior lunch drive up 9;36 #2 car after chips, clearance water and mouthwash $tore run.  no h202.  can't use rubbing alcohol with the oil.  went main dropped off mae west, good place, islands of wonder, and burnt orange heresy, picked up wonder boy fannie flagg.  hurrah!! 

ate weird cottage pie.  mexican ground beef topped with mash.   

relaxed all day.  still haven't found broken cd player.  don't know what i did with it.  

made rice noodle mushroom packet added chicken i cooked slivered almonds green olives.  so good.

living life happier

lying in bed eating my veg cream cheese omelet burrito i'm basking in the literal warmth of my safe nest after waking from my dreams of being loved.  about to leave for work he pops his head in door to apologize for disagreement saying his fault when i'd already let it go.  i give him warm hug.  

when i asked momma to read my future she said i would get my own answers and i'd always be warm.  

i want love that reflects warmth safety acceptance peace calm commitment caring compassion support, everything i lacked growing up.   

my family kept me out in the cold.  they excluded objectified me.  i never saw it until tom.  his family did the same to him to ridicule and objectify him to make them feel better about themselves.  they don't know they're doing it.  it's just what animal nature does in the pecking order world.  inequality in animals.  

equality is man's greatest discovery.  everyone deserves happiness.  i want love and happiness.  

pretty good-mudita

i woke 4 something stayed in warm comfy bed as long as i could 5.  turned on player watched 'good place' end.  better than i anticipated.  my philosophy of life and death.  and the idea of love after death for eternity is very sweet.  so many adjectives relate to food.  life is sweet, sour, bitter.  didn't get up 'til 9.  9.  i haven't stayed in bed that late without being sick ever.

as i get to know myself better i'm enjoying me more.  i'm terrific.  breakfast was crunchy honey oats and homemade yogurt because i wanted it.

i spent the last two days looking for schadenfreude opposite and couldn't figure how to navigate new set up so i read through the long directions and finally found it.  so much stuff.

i arrived seniors 10;07 #6 car.  i considered walking to the post office to mail auntie and cathy's halloween cards with spooky socks but i wore clogs so no.  half a mile.  flip clerk charged $8.40 to mail as 2 packages instead of as cards.  never before.  

came home and ate ok fatty chewy pork, greasy noodles, watery vegs.  decided to lie down and watch dvd burnt orange heresy.  realized i have back up portable player.  rested 'til 4;30.  the more i rest the better i sleep.  must be my back.  yesterday i wore 2 braces all day.  today 1 just for lunch.  

i used one homemade yogurt to microwave pineapple cobbler with cinnamon.  for dinner i used some of the vegs with potatoes and squash omelet to make burritos with cream cheese.  

4;30 no babysitter dvd player to return me to sleep

i got up, removed non loading dvd player, replaced bedroom with living room player.  maybe vhs in living room who knows.  i don't.  it was effortless and relaxing.  

i'm considering getting av cord at batteries plus and looking in rite-aid for dvd player where i got last one.  or goodwill.  or target.  so many options.  

i checked 24 hour gym status.  open by appointment 5 am-9;30 pm.  no spa.  oh, well.

this program is inconsistent.  sometimes it automatically saves sometimes not.  and so many pop ups.  

my middle back is hurting.  the way it travels.  and now my butt.  i'm vibrating.  my atoms.  

it's so lovely cool 63 o.  9;57 #4 car senior lunch line.  very sunny bright crisp winter day.  time to walk.  brisk 20 minutes in fresh air.

rinsed red pepper sauce off fish.  ate with greens brown rice.  watched f troop.  i love all this time to myself.  

i just thought of thomas malthus' predictions regarding population and war, famine, and plague.  1798.  explains covid.  if they hadn't cut down the forests displacing bats carrying covid, forcing them into populated areas there'd be no pandemic.  spread by people flying all over the world.

my life is full on the other side.

i have a community.  a loving family.  i've needed the quiet to experience my being.  doing is a distraction from being.  sleep is a doorway to the other side.  

happiness is unobstructed being.  i'm just doing the best i know how, the best i can.

i looked up glendale and palm springs, cousin amy lived in and loved.  i was watching cesar 911.  he went to valley village, ca north east of l a i checked map quest.  i miss her.  after mom died she'd call to check on me.  she was like mom's little sister.  alien was so mean to her too.

my body has been hurting vibrating, sending out waves of love.  my shoulders back feel like i'm sprouting wings.  i feel like i'm jumping out of my skin.  

i ate a toasted senior sandwich for breakfast, cleaned some celery and 2 eggs for lunch.  pealed an apple.  pain is ebbing.  change the body chemistry change the energy.

pain

woke at 4;30 reliving my birth.  horrible.  babies' crying helps breathing.  i hurt inside and out.  i'm cold and hungry.  

mom made a point telling me over and over what a disappointment i was not being frank jr and how auntie nancy had to name me.  how i was a blue baby lacking oxygen made her milk dry up.  my fault.  everything was always my fault.  i wish she'd given me up to be adopted by auntie k like the family wanted.  in every way i might have been better off.  but mom and dad needed a scapegoat sacrificial lamb.

a miracle i survived the alcoholic suicide legacy my mom and dad pushed on me.  blaming me like always.  dad tried to blame me for his cancer.  mom blamed me for her unhappiness.  

listening to cd is dissolving the entrenched calcified programming.

i've got the sad mads

i'm fluctuating between sad and mad.  just like little kids.  muscle release or chemicals.  

mathew maconaughy book 'green lights' reminding me of the first day i met momma.  all green lights on the expressway from santa clara to san jose cambrian.

10;02 seniors #8 63 o.  and i don't know.  i brought the extra groceries to the park.  someone can use them.  i'm just trying to follow spirit.  when it's right it's effortless.  like yesterday the free disc man.  

wearing one brace is disconcerting after being used to 2.  temple grandin designed and constructed a hugging device for calm and security.  maybe straight jackets reassure everything's gonna be ok.  

we need more healing hugs.  i visualize the planet being hugged.  idea; pillows of the planet and classes of hugging to brainstorm healing the damage man's done.

kit called dr. alex left.  my appointment dr. weilhe wanted to change.  no thanks.  

 

who i am

i used to be obsessive.  i've never been loved.  my relationships have all been the same one.  i've been used.

ouch i touched my right temple.  the truth hurts and heals.  hurts down my right jaw.

i spent the night tossing turning.  my prayers are with my niece and nephews.  their mothers had children to protect themselves from loneliness.  trying to keep their husbands from leaving.  they've abused the children to ensure their captivity.  i couldn't do that.  i couldn't in good conscience raise more damaged human beings.  i couldn't add to the pain of the planet.  

going to senior lunch line gives me purpose.  i walked around the park.  i stretched.  checking the library i picked up movies.  i walked around the corner to neighborhood freebie and found a sony disc man works 2 batteries.  has ac outlet hurrah!  i have to find other cord or buy another $20.  might be better to buy since i know nothing electric.

i stopped at st j since they've been closed chris gave me 3 huge bags eggs, celery, squash, potatoes, bread, rice, creamer, coffee cake, yogurt raisins, tuna, frozen chicken, edamame, kiwi, cucumbers. 

fear?

 i don't know what i'm feeling.  maybe pge due.  remembered finally 2 days.  all caught up bills.  i don't want to do anything.  like dad.  he never had nicotine replacement.  maybe part of his self torture.   i'm so tired of feeling like this.  my self torture?  i stop.

said hi to one arm rodney lives 3 houses down.  he must have taken care of his mom said she passed 10 years, he's lived there as long as me here.  

lots of road repairs i detoured affirming arriving perfect time and i did.  customer leaving service counter as i walked up.  found box cold cereal $1.  

9;58 park empty.  around it no one in it.  walked park stretched.  feeling so depressed.  definitely.   fell asleep after eating.  depression sleep exhausting.  tailbone throbbing.  i'm feeling guilty for feeling depressed.  1985 nora monaco told me i carried the family guilt for them.  i'm feeling guilty for not making doc appointments and cooking burgers.

i cooked 2 burgers in oven.  so good i cooked 2 more.  delicious.  i added ginger to my season blend.  i feel calmer.  i opened bach rescue pastilles.  and nicotine helps.  i wonder why dad didn't take supplements.

navigation

to manage any website requires thinking like the author.  i finally figured out publish once, update ad infinitum.  to republish use back big b arrow.  so many arrows icons things to click on.  as long as saved it remains.

taking my time in the morning feels wrong.  or new.  i wasn't hungry so i toasted a sandwich i can eat for snack or dinner.  i cleaned lettuce.  i used to prep everything as soon as i got it home.  i don't know why or when i stopped.  tortillas, cookies, bread keep in a dark cool place not the fridge.  the middle room is perfect for storage.  the back room is perfect for sewing work room.  

i mailed my request for ballot and bought christmas stamps.  55 cents.  i squeezed 4 oranges.  i have it set up beautifully to do by hand.  when i wait for them to ripen non acidic juice.  i checked my finished voting booklet and relaxed watching madagascar islands of wonder dvd.    

last night i dreamed sitting in bubble bath with hub talking over day.  night before 4 men in love with me which do i love.  

i decided after debating a couple hours searching the safe way website 6;30 i went to 785 and got my freebie.  i had to change store location for annie's shells white cheddar the flavor i wanted and couldn't find to load.  i got my flour tortillas.  they don't get moldy in the middle storage room.  

wow cupertino 75 o

 12;36 pm i've been to senior lunch line, walked park, harvested shepherd's purse, drop/pick up main saw justin, toke avocado cantaloupe, home for forgotten wet towels and here.  i'm not hungry yet.  i ate rice beans pork for breakfast.  still feel full.  and i can blog without internet.  county internet notification.

tygj i'm counting my blessings.  9;30 am $tore i got halloween cards for auntie and cat.  and 3 chips.  since the men took over store is dirty and they stand around while long lines form.  oh, well.  i guess they don't like work.

fear in the pit of my stomach

 my back is very unstable.  i'm having to sleep very consciously to alleviate back pain.  

so much tv news rhetoric playing over and over adding to my internal pressure.  or maybe highlighting what lies within.  i'm exhausted.  no relief from the political pressure.  

dad loved to argue politics.  when i was 21 i registered and voted i learned he'd never voted because he was dodging jury duty.  i refused to discuss politics with him after that.

i wore my back brace and nuked the pork ribs smothered in onions.  for breakfast i toasted a senior sandwich added pickled onions and lettuce delicious.  lunch was chips and blueberry cobbler nuked in brownie and pasta cookers.  dinner rice beans ribs.  food heaven.  

2 hours no internet

 there's that 2 again.  terrible 2's a child realizes existence.  being alive.  i felt trapped.  without the internet connection i felt trapped and alone like a child again.  

i planned going to mountain view community rengstorff central if it got too hot.  so far 85 o.  i don't know what i want to do.  i thought of pick up drop off libraries but i can go next week.  

i have senior sandwiches, free omelet, tortillas, lettuce.  i found packs of dried rice and noodles in back drawers.  i organized spices.  

i heated rice and beans while prepping tortillas with swiss cream cheese, shredded lettuce.  so delicious.  except for the rock from the manischewitz 4 beans.  wasn't presorted.  no wonder on clearance not convenient.  i can make my own 4 bean mix.   the combination of flavors doesn't need seasoning.  

no no no no no

 i've been having flashbacks from 2.   terrifying to a two year old.  everything is 2.  nightmares cringing crying i feel terrible horrible.  i'm screaming inside.  my body aches.  i don't know if i was beaten or i watched a beating.  the same effect on the spirit.   i feel like something terrible is about to happen.  doom doom doom.  dread filled.

i don't want to do anything.  keep still, the monsters go away.  shh....  my stomach is churning.  i'm afraid to exist.  my back is throbbing.    

my toddler hell colored my entire life so far.  "this far and no farther."  

i looked for friday freebies early and bought pork and picked up lucky's free '3 bridges' omelet before 9 am.  i anticipated they'd be gone soon.  i picked up senior lunch and weekend sandwiches.  1 pm i had one tooth crowned not 2.  neck and back immobilized too long.  weird my temple and left scapula sharp pains.  tooth 13 hurt after.  perfect getting to cooling 2;15 i still had to move barrier not pinching my finger.  why they can't do it i don't know.  4 bottles water.  6 pm 88 o starting to cool.

my free $5 safe way sushi and bottle water from college safe way.  yum..  fried onion cal roll and inari, 1 burrito, pbj tortilla for dessert.  i considered  what i wanted over being sensible.

disappeared

 arrived cooling station 2;30.  2-8 pm.  

i picked up yucky pasta lunch, ate it nothing on tv i lay down with relaxation yoga fell asleep 'til 2.  i had to move parking lot barricade not pinching my finger. like 2 weeks ago.  stayed 'til 6;30.  

oh, i want to smoke

 my faithful friend.  my non judgmental confidante.  i miss the rush, the dizzy neutral pain free feeling.

igor is on tv.  reassuring.  part of my reprogramming.  eva sings the sun'll come out tomorrow and it does.  jaclyn and heidi = jekyll and hyde.  'everyone has an evil bone but we don't have to use it.'  'we don't have to be evil to succeed.'

peggy cappy relaxation yoga is amazing.  i need more relaxation.  and now i know why i bought so many blankets besides they were so cheap.  i can fold them for bolsters.  i'm using some already folded in pillow cases for firm support.  

i dug out a karaoke machine for the living room to listen to secret cd.  after the lifetime of negativity it's going to take a lot to reprogram.  

i finally cooked the package of bean soup and i have the brown rice and can dice tomatoes.  

tcb

 i'm hanging on.  i went and picked up lunch and walked the park.  i decided not to go safe way.  i'm feeling tired from stretches i did 'how to sing' is holistic.  head neck, breathing, posture exercises.  wow.

as i continue to stretch muscles the stored childhood traumas are released.  post traumatic stress is stored as a survival device.  during the emergency attention must be placed on the crisis.  body reactions are stored and ignored.  when it's safe the muscles release the chemicals.  body memory like not having to think of walking, driving, brushing teeth.  my entire childhood was a series of violent scenes that i survived by being invisible and silent.  attention=target.

doing what i want

i've been watching what i usually miss going to seniors.  i ate cheerios milk chocolate for breakfast, freebie chicken snack i cooked and forgot last night.  

i thought about going to safe way freebies and $v dollar store.   

spare the air called good quality next 2 days but my are eyes stinging.  

i finally figured saving then using back arrow to publish.

trump uses emotions to get what he wants.  emotions trump intellect.  emotions are hardwired as a survival mechanism intellect develops later.  emotions are primal.  trump goads his victims into an emotional state bypassing reason.  he's so crazy he may drive people sane.

cbs twilight zone

 happier outcomes.  does my spirit good to know a better world is shared.  the original became darker and darker over time.  looks like this one too.

being bored by the darkness which i can get anytime everywhere i decided to check halford for freebie and water.  in car i remembered to fill up gas.   no water plenty of freebie.  bought chicken breast no card went to saratoga 3 waters used $4 rewards and back to halford for freebie.  home i felt hungry heated ate 2 servings kababs $5.69 reg price.  2 cookies dessert.  drank oxygen right down.  

less

 this format is not nearly as good.  just another example of ego needing something to do.  pointless doing.

i went to citibank due today. 1 pm  halford closed and 2 atms out.  i called the out of service number and went round and round the computer.  i hung up and drove to saratoga paid bill and stopped at lucky's, has water, no freebie.  i bought lettuce.  i came home loaded expiring rewards points and tomorrow i can check lawrence for water and freebie.  i can always go back.  

i have tomorrow and monday.  hurrah!!

i'm feeling sad

this format is too open.  strange icons.  today must be some kind of new beginning.  

'family affair' is showing it's pilot on cozi-tv.  9/12/1966 first broadcast.  back in time machine.  

the pale orange tab color looks weak.  i need a break. 

9;47 car #4 senior lunch line walk in park squirrel avocados.  they added one box of cheerios for monday holiday.  the juice box was crushed and leaked.  

evil=live

backward living.  living backward.  racist pandemic, viral pandemic is the result of the mental health pandemic that's existed because of the human resistance to change.  being human we resist change.  being autistic i'm very conscious, self aware of my alarm bells when anything changes no matter how tiny.  being conscious i know to check the validity of the alarm.  is there any real danger or is it knee jerk.

mental health is imperative to physical and socioeconomic health.  the only evil is to live backwards.  people insist on living not where it's safe but what looks impressive.  i watch people on tv crying they were burned out 3 years ago and they expect to rebuild today.  to be burned out again.  there is no sense in rebuilding in an historic burn area to be burned out again in the future is only a matter of time.  they are in denial.

this country was founded by dysfunctional free men pretending slavery was ok.  freedom is impossible where any are enslaved or indentured.  the hypocrisy of the partial democracy is obviously racially motivated by frightened little minds using the easiest line of demarcation; appearance.  american history is riddled with racial injustices.  until honesty is the standard there will be no justice.   trump knows he's a crook and is fine with the fact.  he feels entitled and superior.  i've experienced the same attitude from my family.  being inferior survival requires a superiority stance.  equality is the only peace.  anything else requires constant vigilance and posturing.

little by little

i forgot to close page and it must have stayed connected.  waited patiently for me.

i dreamed of my sisters all night resolving my emotions, accepting them as they are.  i slept to igor reprogramming my past creating my future. 

i watched canterville ghost.  having so much time feels odd.  lovely cool overcast. 

got here seniors 10 am car #3 little bev comes over to my open window starts rattling about everyone late through window no mask.  so inconsiderate.  i told her it's dark overcast don't you have a mask.  so stupid makes me feel angry she's so dumb.  i can understand kids being that stupid i even expect it but a senior should have learned better by now.  she never talks to me and i prefer it that way.  she's rude and condescending. 

i got out to throw the fruit, grabbed the wrong bag retrieved 5 avocado picked up this morning.  ooh, i'm incensed.  on fire.

i checked lucky's for water none found $2 carnitas.  cupertino library then grocery outlet no grapefruit or water.  central library long line hot sweaty and i'm ok.  came home cooked pork in garage oven.  mixed garlic salt, heated rice added 2 eggs and cream cheese half power 10 minutes.  delicious. 

i watched vp debate harris strong calm brilliant.  then i watched 'the medallion', cheers and taxi.  heavenly.

not day

i'm feeling a little blue and rattled.  i was always the historian remembering, reminding others to honor each other.  i've decided to honor my imaginary sisters today.  the ones i believed i had who would miraculously realize how i had looked after them for so many years.  not.  i deserve a loving supporting family instead of the predators i'm horrifically biologically related to.  oh, so charming.  i'm still having new flashback memories of infant abuse.  i'm a miracle considering my history.  i was groomed to be the scapegoat sacrificial lamb destined for drugs, alcoholism and suicide.

trump is using covid to his advantage as the big strong hero.  i have to laugh he's so consistent.  i wonder what all the extra drugs are doing to his system.  maybe make him, sane i can hope.

senior lunch 9;46 arrival car #2.  i got distracted at home by traffic in front.  constant stream of cars.  i came straight here sticking to reassuring schedule. 

i read through the market ads came yesterday.  and planned city returns.  i forgot county at home.  tomorrow and thy 3-7.  maybe both tomorrow.

i was going to walk and got caught up in blog.  10;43 66 o feels very hot.  maybe from direct sun, not parked in shade.

trying to play word finder won't load.  typical.  i looked for karaoke to use in living room 2 in back too big.  maybe i want a small boom box.  i looked for peroxide in side room zero.  i used them.

change

i called miss alex and changed my dental appointment for friday.  it gives me the weekend to recover.  my neck and shoulders feel ok not good yet.  phone cut out 4 times.  frustrating.

dollar store listerine and fruit c's.  i went to walmart looking for the grapefruit mix and peroxide.  found 2 boxes in different clearance maybe i can find more online.  the peroxide is different brand swan not equate.  i'll have to buy online.  i have $42 still available.  lunch was ok. 

trump is a super spreader.  dozens of his staff are virus infected.  the trump show moved back to the white house.  probably too distracting with him around.  he's demanding and has to be the center of attention.  i imagine it's hard getting anything else done.

so much residual negative energy in this house.  i rested 2 hours after lunch.  i need to do this every day.

boo!!

all october movies channel spooky movies.  '13 ghosts' original 'ghostbusters'.  house looks like addams family. 

i watched 'canterville ghost'  i saw as a child.  great.  i'm feeling safe and calm.  so good.  weekends were quiet with everyone gone.  then i started working retail and spent every weekend working and preparing for the week.  i'm overly relaxed and loving it. 

trumps covid positive

i guess all their posturing didn't keep the virus away.  the stock markets are falling. 

i'm having flashbacks when lawrence station road was two lanes surrounded by fields.  green, peaceful and beautiful.  we lived on the corner monroe.  killarney farms stabled a donkey and baby to advertise.  mom took mt in a stroller.  i fed them lupine weeds.  mom rolled the stroller up to the fence and the donkey reached over the fence and bit mt.  we were wearing heavy clothes sweats because of the cold she wasn't hurt. 

in the spring mom just got her license driving on lawrence hit a chicken poof feathers.

leave it to beaver-some people when they are bad they expect to be punished and resent not being punished.  my problem is i don't punish i expect better.  perpetrators resent me.

go igor

so many good points.  such a thought filled film.  the country of malaria is constant rain the 'sun will come out tomorrow' is perfect.  eva monster = 'annie' a plucky orphan is every disenfranchised child disappointed or betrayed.  no one has a perfect childhood.  even the villains are political.

jaclyn/heidi=jekyll/hyde.

i did all my banking.  i am proud of myself.  i went to bevmo bought h204, dropped off avocados toke, found house+car keys run over in road, at home ate lunch, rested then at cooling center i wrote auntie, mailed it 4;30, bought seafood salad and p'nut butter cup cookies safe way, ate in car at seniors, watched movies.  saw woman walking by road where i found keys gave them to her to find owner came home 6;30.

very good day.