fear?

 i don't know what i'm feeling.  maybe pge due.  remembered finally 2 days.  all caught up bills.  i don't want to do anything.  like dad.  he never had nicotine replacement.  maybe part of his self torture.   i'm so tired of feeling like this.  my self torture?  i stop.

said hi to one arm rodney lives 3 houses down.  he must have taken care of his mom said she passed 10 years, he's lived there as long as me here.  

lots of road repairs i detoured affirming arriving perfect time and i did.  customer leaving service counter as i walked up.  found box cold cereal $1.  

9;58 park empty.  around it no one in it.  walked park stretched.  feeling so depressed.  definitely.   fell asleep after eating.  depression sleep exhausting.  tailbone throbbing.  i'm feeling guilty for feeling depressed.  1985 nora monaco told me i carried the family guilt for them.  i'm feeling guilty for not making doc appointments and cooking burgers.

i cooked 2 burgers in oven.  so good i cooked 2 more.  delicious.  i added ginger to my season blend.  i feel calmer.  i opened bach rescue pastilles.  and nicotine helps.  i wonder why dad didn't take supplements.