pain

woke at 4;30 reliving my birth.  horrible.  babies' crying helps breathing.  i hurt inside and out.  i'm cold and hungry.  

mom made a point telling me over and over what a disappointment i was not being frank jr and how auntie nancy had to name me.  how i was a blue baby lacking oxygen made her milk dry up.  my fault.  everything was always my fault.  i wish she'd given me up to be adopted by auntie k like the family wanted.  in every way i might have been better off.  but mom and dad needed a scapegoat sacrificial lamb.

a miracle i survived the alcoholic suicide legacy my mom and dad pushed on me.  blaming me like always.  dad tried to blame me for his cancer.  mom blamed me for her unhappiness.  

listening to cd is dissolving the entrenched calcified programming.